Moved over 100 miles, AIBU

Daftbag - your daughter has a chance of happiness, let her take it without your suggestion that she won't make anything of the new relationship because she's on the rebound. You have no evidence to support that thought. If she's had a difficult life so far and you seem to be acknowledging that, she doesn't need to be thinking about having to take on the role of providing support for her parents as they age. So for all your sakes either make the decision to be proactive and form a new network of friends in your new neighbourhood, or move back to your old neighbourhood where you have a support system you can reinvigorate. As you grow older and need more help, look to the social care system, make yourself known through your GP to social services and take what help is available, i.e., maybe a carer to help you shower twice a week, or to help with your shopping - all these things are possible. Of course, they are means-tested and you may have to contribute towards them but this will make you independent of your daughter and she of you. Is there a reason why you can't plan to visit your daughter and she you? I do accept that your plans for the future have been scuppered and you are feeling bewildered but it is unreasonable to expect your daughter who has been living in a hell that she has been covering up possibly for fear of upsetting you, to take on the role of your carer and ditch her chance of a new relationship.

Feel for you and your daughter too as she wants a new start.hope you dont fall out with her though. Lots of good advice here from good people. I don't know what to say other than what has been offered.which is good advice in my opinion. But good luck and hope it works out for all of you.

Gwyneth

What does Yabu mean please? Not on list of acronyms.

It means "Yes you are being unreasonable" . Just answering the question not giving my opinion. Happy new year

I know this is really difficult but maybe you can look at this from your daughter's point of view. She is an abused woman who doesn't want to face her abuser on a regular basis. It may be that she feels that she needs to put space between her old life and her new start. Abused women can easily be persuaded back by an old partner, especially when they have children, so she may be protecting herself against this too. It is also quite common that abused women need someone to lean on to make their escape...they have had their confidence literally knocked out of them. She probably didn't discuss her situation before you moved because she was ashamed. Maybe she thought with you being close by, the abuse would lessen.
I would encourage your daughter to talk through her plans with a counsellor who will understand her situation and help her explore whether she is jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. Sadly, it happens so often as we tend to find ourselves attracted to the same sort of people. A rescuer is often someone who is attracted to vulnerable, easily manipulated women.

Some years ago I considered moving nearer my son and family. It meant that I would have to buy a smaller property because he lived in an expensive area. I love my bungalow, garden and friendly village. Good thing I didn’t move because he had to move to California because of his job.

I've heard this scenario, through home care work, so many times when elderly relatives move closer to AC. Some have been left homeless when they have moved into converted garages as granny flats and ended up in council bedsits.
Your DD has finally left an abusive relationship. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors so you were not to know. I didn't know with my DD for several years. All caring parents will support their AC in times of crisis. Its not being used. Its a normal thing to do.
Your DD wants a new start, well away from the area she was in.
I don't think you should be upset by this. You need to develop your own circle of friends now or move back to your old area.

It is what it is , please don't feel your daughter has used you. I can understand why you didn't know how unhappy your daughter was , you say you were not surprised when you
learnt the extent of abuse, you may well have had doubts about your SIL and never really liked him but out of respect for your daughter you tolerated him - I get that !! We all like to think we have close relationships with AC but many parents are suprised when they discover that is not the case. Our AC have their own lives and we are only aware of a proportion of that. Your DD was probably protecting you and hoping things would improve. Please let her fly with your blessing, make the most of where you are or take steps to return to your previous area . I eush you and your DH good luck .

We act on what we think we know. You thought your daughter's relationship was stable. She is trying to find her way out of it. Neither of you know all about what could happen in the future. Make your own new life as good as you can but still be kind to your daughter. As ever, 'one day at a time'. In the end we are all muddling through.

Whilst I would love to live closer to our children we would find it hard to lose the friendships we have here and the familiarity of everything close by. So for now we will stay put but if ever we did move it would not be with the expectation that our childrens life choices could never take them where ever they like and we would accept the challenge of making new friendships and exploring new places. We could always visit friends and reconnect with all our familiar places and then maybe have the best of both worlds ..Hmm food for thought.

I get your point Vanecam, as I am aware that men too can be victims of spousal abuse, but we were talking about a woman here.

Yes, sadly women are abused by their spouses as are men irrespective of whether the abusive spouse, or the victim, is male or female.

I just get so tired of this "politically correct" trend where we barely can write an intelligible sentence any more as we have to hedge it around with he/she or idiotic pronouncements such as "people giving birth"!

I was not saying that all abusive spouses are men and all who suffer abuse women, I was discussing the case in point.

Must be upsetting but I wonder if your move and added support may perhaps have lent her the extra bit of strength she needed to remove herself from this abusive relationship. Don't forget people in the grip of abusive and controlling relationships don't always think clearly and rationally and she may not have had the capacity to process all the potential issues before you moved. She may also need to make a clean break with him for safety reasons. I'd also be concerned about her new relationship in case she's walking into something before having a chance to take a breath and think about what's best for her. You're on the internet so maybe you can find a local neighbourhood group to join like 'Nextdoor', I've made lovely friends like this, just starting with a meeting for a walk, or possibly coffee in a local café, or possibly some volunteering - hopefully covid will become less restriction soon and there may be a good life to have in your village if you are open to the possibility. Hope you find some peace of mind in your new home.

Firstly, you’re relatively young and in spite of your medical issues, have every possibility of settling down happily in your new location if you give it a try.
You did say you weren’t totally surprised at the outcome of your daughter’s marriage. Do you think you had a need to be wanted by her and didn’t think about the possibility that if things went wrong she might relocate? At least you have one another. I feel for all parents whose offspring have moved to the other side of the world. It doesn’t sound as though she’s gone too far. Anne 701951 says it all.
Stay positive and hope that she finds happiness wherever she goes.

Could echo so much of what others have said especially grandtanteJE65. In addition - Bungalow are as rare as hen's teeth in the UK today so I'm sure you would have no problem in moving again. It's always a risk moving nearer to adult children - I've seen so many such moves go wrong (one friend was in the middle of a house purchase when her SIL suddenly announced he had been offered a job 200 miles away and had decided to take it!) Far better to stay put and develop support networks locally. I would say to think about where YOU want to live, regardless of where your daughter ends up. (And BTW, it may be a rebound relationship or not, but the fact that she knew him from school is a good first step; it's not a totally new relationship). This has obviously come as a terrible shock. I'm sorry.

Unfortunately your daughter is so wrapped up in this new found happiness and relived to be away from the abusive marriage, little thought has gone into thinking long term. To up sticks so quickly as she has done I just hope it works out for her.
Yes it is a shame you moved suppose you have a few choices 1.stay put and get to know new people, no doubt there is a local support network the local village hall or GP’s is a good starting place.
2 Try and swop and move back to where you where.
3. Is there somewhere you always wanted to live, why not a totally fresh start?
I think to expect to burden yourself on your children personally isn’t fair especially when they’ve their own difficulties. Recently I moved to a new area to get away from an abusive partner, knowing no one but I’ve found people to be welcoming when joining local groups like U3A, WI . There is no way I’d want my children to run around after me.
Hope things work out for you

grandtanteJE65

Like many women with abusive husbands, your daughter has concealed how bad her marriage really was for 17 years.

Either she is a very good actress, or you and she were never very close for this to be at all possible.

Can you truly say you never once suspected something was badly wrong in her life?

You and your husband moved nearer your daughter and her husband for two reasons, one because you wanted to be nearer them, and the second because you hoped she would provide help and support with your health issues.

I am very much afraid that none of you thought all this through before you moved.

Your daughter finally found the courage to tell you what was going on in her life and to divorce her husband.

You helped and supported her, but you cannot and should not expect her to live the rest of her life, or rather of yours, tailored to your needs.

I could be afraid that she has started a new relationship far too soon, but moving away from the place where she lived formerly and WHERE HER ABUSIVE FORMER HUSBAND KNOWS HE CAN FIND HER is the most sensible thing she could possibly do,

He has obviously been very violent if the police were "willing to take things further" as you put it. Be happy that your daughter is removing herself from the vicinity and promise me that if your former SIL turns up, you will not tell him where she is.

I don't think she has used you - anymore than I was hinting that you were using, or intending to use her.

There has been an unfortunate lack of openess between you and her, which as I said to start with is usual on the behalf of those living with abusive spouses. I find it harder to understand that you and her father did not realise years ago that something was badly wrong in your daughter's life, but these things happen.

Could you afford to move back to where you came from?

If not, start making a life for the pair of you that is not centred on your daughter. Sorry if this last sentence sounds harsh - it wasn't meant so, but I frankly cannot find a nicer way of putting it.

This is perfect.

I hope you don’t have the same mindset as red1
you have the chance to make a life in your home that you say you have spent time on, as the others have said, time to take new opportunities in your neighbourhood and stop thinking of what might have been.
It doesn’t matter how you got where you are, what matters now is moving forward, you also say that your DD hasn’t moved yet, maybe it will take some time for her to sort herself out, so you have time to get involved in your local area.
Please don’t make your DD feel guilty for getting herself and her children to a safer place.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but I do think you’ve not looked or thought of things through her perspective. Perhaps she felt she needed to put distance physically between her old life and new. Personally I’d be more worried about her and a new relationship so soon after a long and abusive marriage. I wish you all the best

Oh, that’s so sad, but you can never make any decisions based on someone else’s lifestyle. Things happen, and you can never predict that.

You’ve made your lovely bungalow into a little home...now you have to do the same with your lives, and let your daughter live hers.

You moved for all the right reasons and really had no idea of how it would pan out shortly after you started to settle.
We can't comment on the speed that your daughter has formed a new relationship after the breakdown of her marriage - she may well have been in a very unhappy situation for some time, without your knowledge and perhaps meeting up with the old flame gave her the impetus to end the situation.
Whatever happened, you surely have to be happy that her life will hopefully be a lot better in the future, and you must understand that moving away from somewhere that holds bad memories may help her and the GC.
I can only suggest that you can either stay where you are and make a new life for yourselves , or go back to the council and explain the situation and either request a move back to your previous area or where your daughter makes a new home but just to warn you, they may not be too sympathetic!
You need to wait and see what your daughter finally does - her move may not happen when she has had time to think about her future and she will need you for your continued support.

Just be pleased that hopefully she is making a new start somewhere else for her happiness.
When you visit her in the new area, it will be a different place for you to explore.
Now will be a good time to start making connections to your own village.
Twists and turns happen in life, you never know what is around the corner.....
(speaking as someone who moved nearer to son, then he found a new love of his life and moved somewhere else!)

This is the reason I won't move to be 'permanently' nearer any of my adult children. I would know no one but them in a new area and, if their circumstances changed and they moved away, I'd be high and dry and seriously out of pocket, too. My friends and regular activities are here and here I'll stay. Needless to say, I visit as often as I can and it's always a wrench to leave but my life is here.

No help to OP unfortunately but I agree with those who say the daughter has to make her own way.

I can understand how you feel. I would feel the same I think.
But she hasn't done this on purpose, it's just that her life has changed. It's always a risk if we move to be near our children.
Understandable but risky.
So just support her, wish her all the best, and then get on with making your own life happy and fulfilling.
Sending you good wishes for the new year.

I'm so sorry this hasn't worked out as you had hoped Daftbag. Very disappointing for you. I've known people who moved to be near their children and it never seems to have worked out too well. The children are younger and not totally settled and as has happened to you their lives can change.

It does seem soon to be moving in with a new partner elsewhere but as someone else pointed out it may be the only way your daughter can feel safe if her husband was abusive. And also it is someone she's known for a long time which is a nice thing for her. Who knows he may have had lots of feelings for her over the years and she, him. She will be in a difficult place herself after having been in an abusive situation.

Here is a new opportunity to get to know people in your new environment. Why not invite your neighbour(s) to show you any nice walks in the local area, offer to meet up for a coffee, etc? And I'm sure you could get some support by sharing your situation with people there. People are generally willing to be of help, especially in small communities. Can you phone your friends where you used to live and share with them? I don't think your daughter will be in a situation to offer you support right now, she has too much to deal with ,within herself.

If there is no going back, how things turn out now will be about how you approach things. And compared to your daughter you are in a good and safe situation. I think she might need your love and concern right now but if you yourself don't feel you have support, its difficult to offer it. How about speaking with the local doctor and see if they could find some counselling support for you? I wish you well. Not an easy time.

you were not to know your daughter was going to split.So being near them made sense.In an ideal world the years we spent raising them is returned in some way.Sadly life seldom works out as we planned.For your daughter to go straight to someone so soo, is not rational, people need time to adjust/grieve for what has gone. Your story highlights the almost knee jerk reaction we have when family move away.One of my sons moved to northern ireland without an ounce of concern for my wellbeing,the other son i feel may emigrate to canada at some point. i often wonder we should have the mentality of animals-off they go! i would move back to where your support was.

This is sad, of course, but underlines the need to improve your own life, and not rely on adult children and grandchildren to fill the empty spaces. Your daughter has had to deal with a dreadful situation, and she may or may not be wise in her proposed move, but she is an adult and she has to get on with it. Surely you didn't offer help just because you were expecting payback? Try and make the best of your life where you are: join a local community choir; join the WI; join a church if you are religious etc.etc. You call yourself a stroke 'victim'. You are no more a victim than anyone is of any medical condition. My work involved rehabilitation of people who'd had strokes. As clinicians, we were always struck by how well our patients did if they were determined and stoical. I've had experience of this in the family too. Concentrate on what you can do, what you can contribute to your community and wish your daughter well in her new life away from her abuser.