Hen parties

Yes I do think it’s ridiculous. What also worries me is how difficult people find it to be direct and honest in these situations. You should be able to say that you can’t afford something without feeling embarrassed.

Thankfully none of my children asked or organised hen dos or baby showers and hopefully none of the grandkids will get pulled into this daft mess either

It does seem to be getting out of control especial if a group of friends get married quite close together. One of the main issues re putting pressure on all “Hens” to participate is if one drops out it puts extra expense on the others to contribute a higher amount.

My poor daughter has a friend getting married in July, she is lovely girl and in the past been very supportive of my daughter. They wedding should have been in June 2020 and my daughter was sad she couldn’t go to either hen party or wedding as her baby due May 2020. Then Covid after many postponements its July. Her friend so excited my daughter can now go to both. The hen party is in a large villa in Spain for a weekend, lots of activities and a meal at a very expensive restaurant. Its costing a fortune, then the wedding is over 2 days with the wedding on a Saturday then a day of activities and bbq on the Sunday. It all seems very over the top. The only good thing is we get to have our granddaughter for a whole weekend!

It's up to your niece

Didn’t have hen parties in my day. 1940s. Or such elaborate weddings. The money went towards the. Deposit and furniture for the house. Didn’t feel less married.

I think a whole weekend at a spa with close friends sounds brilliant. However if it was my wedding I would have a pre-planning “meeting” to ask my friends what they thought was reasonable in both cost and length of time, give them options and plenty of notice to save

Never hav understood these over the top hens and stag nights.
Yes you may want to celebrate your last months/weeks/days as a single person (so many are held waaaaay in advance) But the organisers need to think of the guests and their financial situation and it's often not the bride or groom that are organising it, but the last single friend they have that ahve no idea of the cost of the actual wedding!
I think your niece needs to have a quiet word with the bride herself and explain the situation and if the bride is any kind of friend, she will either call for a cheaper version (maybe niece and bride could just go out for a meal or have a pamper day together) or perhaps not mind so much if she doesn't go.
I bet if she asks around the rest of the group, that there are others that will struggle with the cost.

My first hen do in the 80s was a pub followed by club where we met up with the stags (accidentally but I was thrilled to dance with my fiance).
My second hen do was a table in the VIP lounge, Ladies Day, at the races. I paid for my daughter, stepdaughter, niece and a friend who was brassic at the time. I also bought all the bubbly. It was quite expensive but most my friends could afford it. Interestingly, I was the only person who didn't win on any horse. Everyone else did. But I was a winner because I had a fab time before going on to marry my lovely husband.

I just wonder where they all get the money to pay for such extravagance. What is the point? It is, as my mother would have said, showing off and not in the best of taste. Sure enjoy yourselves but putting pressure on yourselves and guests just because that is what is thought to be necessary. It mystifies me but then I am ancient.
Weddings are also so over the top. My grandson’s wedding was abroad and in the middle of winter in a cold climate. I have health problems and travel insurance so expensive the cost became ridiculous, I did not go and my DIL still chastises me. My money, my mind, my decision

My daughter was pressured into a hen weekend few years ago. She only knew the bride to be know one else. Even though she does not drink and is rather quiet unlike her mother! She agreed to go and was constantly harassed for not drinking. The women were loud drunk and fighting like cats she said never again.

Not only the Hen do's but the weddings abroad or on a cruise liner. Its ridiculous the money your expected to cough up. Whats wrong with a night out. Cheap and cheerful I say.

Varian I also married in 1966. Instead of Hen/stag parties, we had the traditional Scottish "Show of Presents. Every one who had given a wedding present was invited. Hired the village hall, laid out the presents, bridesmaids and myself and Mum showed the guests around. Meanwhile my Dad took the menfolk to the nearby club and bought them a drink.

Next the presents were packed away and replaced by an extensive buffet (all home made and brought by Auntie, MIL etc. Then DH's Band set up, the men returned and we had music and dancing. Apart from the hall hire and a few drinks no expense was incurred by anyone and a great time was had by all.

I agree with others who have said that years ago, we managed without any of this rubbish, yet nowadays, when they have lived together, got a home and possessions, and probably children as well, they want these big, flashy, over-the-top hen parties, plus extravagant wedding to boot.

If Covid and Lockdowns have left us with any pointers for the future, scaled down weddings and hen/stag parties would be a good start.

You don’t need a big, flashy ‘do’ with the world and his wife in attendance to make it all official.

Beswitched

Redhead56

She could simply decline the invitation and say she needs the money for other things. There is no shame in wanting to spend hard earned money wisely.

She has said to the organisers that she can't really afford it, but is getting the 'Oh Carly will be so disappointed. She'll really want you there. Can you not borrow from your mum/do overtime' pressure.
Her mum has suggested that she contact 'Carly', explain she won't be able to afford to join a hen party but would like to take her out for a meal before the wedding.
They used to share a house with a few others but were never hugely close.

... emotional claptrap... "Carly" will not spend the whole excursion being "disappointed" and will probably make the most of it.

I really detest this kind of faux emotional blackmail. If people are upfront and tell you that they can't afford it, that should be the end of the matter.

We really do have to impress on some individuals that "no" means "no" and that it's not up for discussion.

I feel I should know about modern hen parties, but I don't! What an obscene waste of money. Have they all gone mad?
I didn't even have any sort of gathering after my wedding, although we did have coffee and biscuits on a train.

I'd never heard of hen parties when we got married in 1966. My husband did have a stag party which, as far as I know, just involved an evening in the pub with a few friends.

I would not consider anyone who had one of these extravagant dos to be a friend, just not my sort of person ! And anyone who was insensitive enough not to realise I couldn’t afford it or want it or be able to have the time off work etc would equally not be a good friend.
Why can’t women stick up for themselves and just say no ?

Redhead56

She could simply decline the invitation and say she needs the money for other things. There is no shame in wanting to spend hard earned money wisely.

She has said to the organisers that she can't really afford it, but is getting the 'Oh Carly will be so disappointed. She'll really want you there. Can you not borrow from your mum/do overtime' pressure.
Her mum has suggested that she contact 'Carly', explain she won't be able to afford to join a hen party but would like to take her out for a meal before the wedding.
They used to share a house with a few others but were never hugely close.

TerriBull

I have followed a few threads on MN on this subject, many of the invitees not wanting to go for one of the following, financial constraints, work commitments, juggling childcare., not enough annual leave to cover that outing and a family holiday. All valid reasons imo. for turning the invitation down, furthermore that should be accepted with grace by the person who has issued the invite. Sadly that is often not the case. On one thread, the imperious invitation issued by the bride's mother said something along the lines, bearing in mind I think the cost of a trip abroad for the hen do was going to cost something in the order of £1,000 "you all have a year to save up, no ifs no buts about the cost" Absolutely staggered at the expectations and front of some people none of their business as to what people can or cannot afford. The woman who started the thread and had the invite didn't really want to go due to the cost and having to take time off work, childminding etc. Then at some stage down the line, she had to do an extra shift, hospital worker I believe and missed some Zoom meeting to discuss all the prospective dross they were having to stump up for. Upshot, she was severely admonished for missing the meeting, ostracised by some which happily gave her the impetus to drop out. Unanimously the other posters spurred her on giving her the courage to stick with that decision. Then both she and her husband were ceremoniously dropped by both bride and groom and I think they had their wedding invitation withdrawn too.

Honestly, I feel sorry for many of these young women these days, it honestly wasn't a thing when I was young, maybe a meal out with some close friends but not these expensive week ends, a full week even. often abroad, for something, it seems many feel under immense pressure to go along with. The other thing many state, that they only often know the person getting married and are forced to be closeted with others who they later find the don't like.

All in all it's got sod all to do with marriage and a couple's life ahead. It's such a load of unnecessary bollocks extravagances.

You put it so much better than I could.

She could simply decline the invitation and say she needs the money for other things. There is no shame in wanting to spend hard earned money wisely.

I m afraid although in most things I m pretty forward thinking when it comes to gen dos stag dos and baby silly showers I can’t bear it it’s ridiculous I hope she has the balls to say no

The crazy thing is that most of these brides have been living with their partners for years and many already have children together. It's nice that they're getting married but it's not the momentous change in their life it used to be. Yet years ago people had much simpler weddings. The focus was on the marriage bit I suppose.

. . . she has no children and a good job but she is beginning to feel like she is getting the raw end of the deal.

And there we have it. As I said upthread, it's not just about feeling obliged to the bride, it's about getting your turn when you have spent £££ on going to your friends' lavish celebrations.

One of my nieces has never married and doesn't seem to want to get married. She has been on six hen weekends over the last 5 years or so, probably costing thousands - she's planning a not-a-hen party for one day in the future so all her friends can treat her for a change! She doesn't mind the cost, they were all close friends or relatives and she has no children and a good job but she is beginning to feel like she is getting the raw end of the deal.