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Friends for 30 years, not sure what I've done wrong....

(24 Posts)
Rockchick61 Mon 02-May-22 15:46:30

Hi all, I know it's tricky when people don't know the ins and outs of a situation but my question is more about what I do next, if anything.
I've known my friend for 30 years, we met when our sons were aged 1 and 3, we've seen each other through bereavements, divorce, breakups, child illnesses, some of them extremely serious. Through a house swap we ended up living in the same street, almost opposite each other twelve years ago.

3 years ago, she reconnected with an old flame, I've met him, we get on really well and there is no envy or jealous feelings on my part. I have however noticed the communication between us dwindling to the point where it was me making the moves first. I wasn't invited to her birthday evening out last year, first time ever probably.

My question is this...... should I make one more attempt to bridge the divide or just accept is as the way things are from now on. I came out of my house yesterday and just made me really sad as she was out the front so I just quickly got in car and drove off, I felt so awkward!!

I just feel too old for all of this at 60. Thanks in advance for advice and replies.

AGAA4 Mon 02-May-22 15:54:04

It is sad when friendships dwindle but maybe try one more time and ask her if there is a problem.
If she carries on being distant then you will have to accept that the friendship has fizzled out.

Forlornhope Mon 02-May-22 15:55:51

The envy and jealousy may well be on the part of the old flame. Three years of drip, drip, dripping poison in your friend’s ear with a long term goal of easing you out of her life.

Vintagejazz Mon 02-May-22 17:11:12

It does sound as if it could be the new partner. Has she list contact with other friends that you know of?

Nannagarra Mon 02-May-22 17:14:40

Who went on the birthday evening out? That might be a clue.

Shandy57 Mon 02-May-22 17:18:16

I agree it could be the partner being possessive over her time. Could you invite them both for a barbecue or similar when the weather is warmer?

It is foolish to allow friendships to drift when you meet someone, people often learn that too late. My best friend met someone at 20 and he didn't want her to see friends anymore, she stayed in 'saving for the wedding' for years. He then jilted her at the altar, and she returned to our social circle.

Shandy57 Mon 02-May-22 17:19:53

Sorry I meant to add keep making the effort. Having history together is something special, keep it going if you can.

Redhead56 Mon 02-May-22 17:19:56

Sometimes it's new partners who interfere with friendships. Other times people just deliberately stop speaking. I have known this to happen even though there is no reason for it. Just go about your business as usual there is nothing to be awkward about you have done nothing.

SachaMac Mon 02-May-22 17:24:41

It’s sad that such a good and long friendship has ended up this way. I agree with others, it sounds like the new partner could be controlling who she sees, maybe he is clingy & wants her all to himself or she could be so loved up with him that she is just happy to be in his company & has forgotten about her friends. It is is concerning that she started to behave so differently towards you since meeting up with him. I’d give it one more try, maybe invite her out for a coffee or over to your house for a glass or two of wine, if she doesn’t respond there’s not much else you can do.

NotSpaghetti Mon 02-May-22 17:26:16

I would probably call/wave if I was close and she was in the garden.
I wouldn't want her to feel I was snubbing her in some way.

NotSpaghetti Mon 02-May-22 17:26:37

Oh, and yes, I'd probably ask them over.

TillyTrotter Mon 02-May-22 17:45:12

I would ask her if she still wants me as a friend in her life or has the friendship run it’s course? They often do when new partners come into someone’s life.
Rockchick I think I would put my energy into other friendships, which will be reciprocated. Good Luck ?

Pepper59 Mon 02-May-22 20:04:19

Oh yes, the arrival of the new man..... Make your own life and don't give them another thought, believe me the heartache when a long term friend dumps you when they have bigger fish to fry, is extremely painful. The worst thing for me was when invitations stopped coming, but other ' friends' always seemed to be socialising with them. Oh, and they were always busy.I ended the friendship and was heartbroken. In my friend's case he also was very, very wealthy and I don't think I was their sort of person. I will never put myself through that again, for anyone. Move on because they will.

TheodoraP Mon 02-May-22 20:09:53

From what you have said there is an issue with her new old flame

Perhaps she feels he likes you a bit too much and she is worried of loosing him to you

Just a hunch

Vintagejazz Mon 02-May-22 20:57:13

Whatever it is, I would go out gor a drink with your friend and v explain how you feel. You have nothing to lose.

jeanie99 Wed 04-May-22 01:19:38

Just carry on with your own life without this old friend.
Clearly there is something wrong whatever it is she doesn't want to share it with you.
I think you need to accept this as part of life and the changes that we sometimes need go along with.
It could be the new partner who knows.
If you see her just be your normal self but I think you need to move on and get on with your life without her. Life is too short to keep worrying about this.

biglouis Wed 04-May-22 13:02:04

I would invite her around for coffee when you know he is not around and then tell her how you feel. Then the ball is in her court if she wants to continue the friendship.

No need to feel akward if you see her. Just a cheery wave as you are driving off or coming back is enough to acknowledge her. Not every meeting had to be a heartfelt exchange.

Devorgilla Wed 04-May-22 18:06:52

I really would not stress about this. I have a friend of 57 years who has just started a serious relationship with a man she has known, on and off, for 35 years. Since she made the decision to live with him, albeit on a part time schedule, I hear from her a lot less often. She has a new focus in her life. I think your friend is probably in the same mood. Perhaps the 'old flame' is a bit embarrassed when meeting you, or they just want time to adjust to one another. I'd do as biglouis and others have suggested and wave when you see her. Your friend will begin to feel more relaxed about her new situation and rekindle her friendship with you.

nandad Wed 04-May-22 18:55:37

How about asking your friend over “haven’t caught up with you for ages, come over for a coffee, new man can come if he wants, but sure he doesn’t want to sit through the gossip. He can come later, or another day”. Then when she’s on her own at yours tell her you feel that you’ve drifted apart and don’t want to lose her as a friend. Keep it light, No blame and see how it goes.

GagaJo Wed 04-May-22 18:56:14

Very sadly, about 5 years ago, a friend of my mothers cut off contact with my mum. They had been friends for years. She was my daughters godmother. The friendship was never rekindled. They saw each other in a coffee shop one day and said hello to each other, but that was it.

My mother died recently, never having regained contact with her friend. After my mothers death, I reseached her friend a bit online. She died in 2018. So sad.

Rockchick61 Wed 04-May-22 23:50:13

Thank you for all your replies. I never really had any thoughts about it being the new man so food for thought there. It just so happens to be her birthday in a few weeks time (3 years on from when she rekindled with her guy on her 60th). I'm going to get a card and possibly a small gift like her fave chocolate and post it while she's at work. I'll include a brief, carefully written note and see what response I get. It was my 60th last year and I received no card or text but decided I will still wish her well. If there's no good response then I will know to leave things. It's so hard isn't it. I'm used to it from my ex - friends one minute, ignoring me the next - but never expected it from a close friend. We'll see, thanks again everyone xxxx

Rockchick61 Thu 05-May-22 00:01:02

She has fallen out with a lot of people over the years, quite a few I would call long time friendships. She likes a good gossip and I used to think maybe I was different but I guess I may be getting the same treatment now ??

DiscoDancer1975 Thu 05-May-22 17:40:14

I think when love interests come on the scene, friends can very easily be pushed to the bottom of the list, whether you’re 16 or 60.

If it were me, I would have to say something to her, to give her a chance. After that, I would consider the ball to be in her court, and find other interests.

Shelflife Thu 12-May-22 19:26:51

A birthday gift is a nice gesture. I would also ask her over for coffee , or perhaps a lunch out somewhere. Ask her a few times , if she declines your suggestions then you will know she feels the friendship has run its course. If that happens it does make me think that perhaps her new man is the reason for this. He may be a possessive man ! Very sad and I do feel for you. However in your position I would not give up too easily, keep asking her for coffee . She may surprise you ! If that happens to our might find an appropriate opportunity to broach the subject with her. However , if she consistently turns your invitations down you may have to accept the inevitable. God luck ?