Reached the end of my piece of string

Thank you for your comments NotSpaghetti and Monica. it’s obvious that a great many people cannot look after their very elderly parents, who are usually in their nineties. It was pointed out upthread that these parents, usually mothers, loved and cared for their children when they were young and so the adult children owe it to their parents to look after them in their old age. Well firstly, a large number of elderly parents were not actually good parents to their young children, including my own mother, and so it could be argued that they owe them nothing. In my case I do the right thing, I always have done, but not without a certain sense of resentment, due to her treatment of me as a child and young woman. But secondly, however good a parent was, I don’t feel that a seventy year old should sacrifice their own retirement to care of their ninety something year old parent. Do the right thing, in other words what is necessary and actually doable. In my case now, it’s visit my mother. Sell her flat. Sort out the finances. It used to be do her laundry, shopping, sort out repairs, take her to medical appointments, and visit her and take her out. She went into the care home because she needed to, because she’s disabled (by her age) and needs constant care. I cannot look after her. I’ve spent the last five years seeing to her needs and to be honest, I’ll be happy the day it ends.

When my uncle went into care, he said it was the best thing he had ever done and wished he had done it sooner.

I have been going through agonies at putting my Mum in a care home 8 weeks ago. She suffered constant UTI's, was collapsing frequently and her partner was struggling to cope. Yesterday I visited her at the nursing home and they said she had attacked a member or staff. When I was talking to her it quickly became apparent that she thought I was her mother and she was very listless. So, at 2pm I drew this to the Nurse's attention. By 6.30pm I got a call to say they had tested her urine, grown the bug, rung the duty doctor who had prescribed the correct antibiotic and had just been given the first dose. If she had been under our care, that would have taken at least a week and she would have more than likely ended up far more ill than she needed to be.
So, thank you M0nica, your post has made me feel so much better.

maddyone i am with you all the way. Anyone who needs a lot of care, like your mother, people who cannot do anything without assistance, may be incontinent and need 24/7 supervision, is far better looked after in care where a home has the equipment, facilities and trained staff able to deal with these problems. It is the most loving thing a child can do.

Maddy - that is another case of not being 100% responsible.
Ours is (at least for now) a happy case. I'm sorry yours is for unhappy reasons Maddy. So sorry for you both.

Totally agree NotSpaghetti.
Of course many ninety plus people need a great deal of help and support. Many live in care homes. I fail to see how I am supposed to have total care for my ninety four year old mother when she can’t even stand up and needs a hoist to get her into and out of bed.

I'm another who thinks very differently to GrammyGrammy.

Some adult sons and daughters don't see that looking after a parent in their nineties is their sole overall responsibility because some 90 year old want to be as independent as possible and are perfectly capable and happy living in their own home.
My 98 year old mother-in-law is one such. She has moved 200+ miles to be closer to us but has chosen a house with large garden which in the last two years she's completely remodeled. She is making new friends still, has joined in with the U3A things she's interested in and in spite of having a TIA during lockdown (which stopped her from driving) she is often too busy for visits.

Not everyone wants or needs to be someone else's sole responsibility.
I think if it came to that it would be the death of my mother-in-law.

The OP is struggling with an overbearing and selfish mother. She needs a break. She doesn't need berating for being exhausted!

I cannot see how anyone in their 90's should be living alone uncared for 24/7.

What an agist remark and clearly shows that how few 90 year olds GrammyGrammy knows.

My father lived to be 92 and until his last brief illness was living independently, still thought nothing of driving 70 miles when he visited my sister or myself (we also visited him) and strongly objected to people classifying him by age alone. He was still a lynch pin of three local groups and during his final illness we issued bulletins to a contact in each group to pass around his friends. He had cleaners and some help with the gardening but he did most of the gardening himself and was an excellent cook.

He would not let my sister or myself do anything, from ringing more frequently to helping round the house if he thought we were doing it because we felt we should do it out of concern for his age.

His youngest sister is still alive, fit and living independently at 95.

Lots of 90 year old plusses are living alone and uncared for 24/7 because they are still fit, mentally and physically and enjoy living alone and do not need care.

They do not need people like GrammyGrammy forcing care and control on them based merely on chronological age without regard for what they want and when they are managing perfectly successfully on their own and know that if they do need help, they have a loving family to call on.

I have been making suggestions of assisted living to my 85 year old aunt, and I'm glad to report she has now befriended someone that lives in the one near her. She hopes to go to see her friend's 'apartment' soon. I am too far away to be of any practical help, and very lucky my aunt's neighbour is so fond of her.

What is narcissistic is the definition of honour, demanding to put others lives on hold for a person's benefit

God post icanhandyhemback.

GrammyGrammy

One asks oneself how we got to a place where adult sons and daughters don't see that looking after a parent in their nineties is their sole overall responsibility. We do not honour our parents and see that their welfare and care is down to us. We are so narcissistic and selfish that it has become optional whether we bother with them. On this thread the amount of suggestions of lying and telling untruths is noticeable. Lying to your family is a good thing in this day and age it seems. We lie without guilt or shame to get the result we want. It seems the parent has to pass a 'nice person' test - subjective in the extreme and easily skewed to suit our selfish wants- and this will decide if we grow old suffering living alone and in squalor or be brought into the bosom of family life and treasured as a precious family member. I cannot see how anyone in their 90's should be living alone uncared for 24/7. I think many of the gransnetters here have hearts of stone- groomed by our compartmentalising and elder rejecting and selfish culture.

We are so narcissistic and selfish that it has become optional whether we bother with them.

So having ruined your childhood with lasting damage that lasts through your adulthood, you thing that your parent should then trash your retirement. If you don't, you are selfish.

I cannot see how anyone in their 90's should be living alone uncared for 24/7.

Nor do I but they too have choices. The parent makes their choice, the child is entitled to make theirs. Why should your choices rely on a negative affect for your child?

^ On this thread the amount of suggestions of lying and telling untruths is noticeable. Lying to your family is a good thing in this day and age it seems. We lie without guilt or shame to get the result we want.^

Wow, you've obviously learned a bit about gaslighting!

Incidentally, I have been looking after my abusive mother (who didn't look after us after the age of 7 for most of the year) for the last 10 years. Before that I looked after my Grandad with his dementia in my own home until he died, when my mother refused to. There is such a thing called Karma. I have had to admit defeat and put my mother in a nursing home because it was starting to impact my role as a mother and grandmother to my disabled daughter and autistic grandson. When you bring a child into the world, your duty is to them because they had no choice in the matter.

At what point, GrammyGrammy, do you say enough is enough? Do I care for my 90 year old paedophile father when he comes out of prison even though he abandoned us as children (lucky escape actually) as a treasured family member or am I allowed to say, "You reap what you sew!"

Franbern Completely off topics, but, as a retired ward sister, I was horrified that a nurse would ring a relative and berate them for not visiting!

Are you describing my mother GrammyGrammy? Of course you understand if that is your situation but your post did appear to indicate a lack of understanding. Maybe not everyone has your ability to continue to care after they have been abused during their formative years. Also looking after a person in their nineties when you are in your seventies is impossible for many. I’ve done the right thing by my mother even though her behaviour in the past would indicate that she doesn’t deserve it. I do the right thing, but I resent it because of what she did to me years ago. I do the right thing because she’s my mother, that’s all. But I resent it.

maddyone

I can barely believe I’ve just read the post from GrammyGrammy. It shows a total lack of understanding of the situation between some elderly parents and their children, who are often in their late sixties or seventies themselves. The care of the enormous number of people in their nineties (who a few years ago would mainly have not even still been alive at that age) does not, and cannot fall exclusively on to the shoulders of people who are hardly young themselves. Add to that, that some of these old and frail people are not even pleasant, and in some cases were not good parents themselves when their children were young, and it is easy to see why many people in their late sixties/seventies simply can’t look after their old parents.

I am describing what should be the starting point- a true engagement with responsibility. of course gather help and services and support around the situation- but honouring and making sure your elderlies are alright is on you as the adult child of an old person. I understand fully. I live it. Try ten years living in with an autistic narcissist who gaslights daily and has no love and made life choices that harmed the adult children dreadfully. Yet doing the right thing is the thing.

I can barely believe I’ve just read the post from GrammyGrammy. It shows a total lack of understanding of the situation between some elderly parents and their children, who are often in their late sixties or seventies themselves. The care of the enormous number of people in their nineties (who a few years ago would mainly have not even still been alive at that age) does not, and cannot fall exclusively on to the shoulders of people who are hardly young themselves. Add to that, that some of these old and frail people are not even pleasant, and in some cases were not good parents themselves when their children were young, and it is easy to see why many people in their late sixties/seventies simply can’t look after their old parents.

GrammyGrammy
When those "children" are in their 70s and in poor health themselves how can they be expected to be carers.
The problem is often caused by the stubborn refusal of those in their 90s to accept a need for care from those outside their families.

One asks oneself how we got to a place where adult sons and daughters don't see that looking after a parent in their nineties is their sole overall responsibility. We do not honour our parents and see that their welfare and care is down to us. We are so narcissistic and selfish that it has become optional whether we bother with them. On this thread the amount of suggestions of lying and telling untruths is noticeable. Lying to your family is a good thing in this day and age it seems. We lie without guilt or shame to get the result we want. It seems the parent has to pass a 'nice person' test - subjective in the extreme and easily skewed to suit our selfish wants- and this will decide if we grow old suffering living alone and in squalor or be brought into the bosom of family life and treasured as a precious family member. I cannot see how anyone in their 90's should be living alone uncared for 24/7. I think many of the gransnetters here have hearts of stone- groomed by our compartmentalising and elder rejecting and selfish culture.

I wouldn't waste time on a parent who has always been abusive. If the abuse comes from some condition of age like dementia, I can understand a child continuing to visit.

As an adult, surely you can take a step back, view the situation dispassionately and then take control of the relationship and make it conditional on good behaviour.

I did not have abusive parents, but from childhood, I constantly tried to get my mother to understand why I did what I did. She constantly questioned me why i made the decisions I did and I kept trying to explain, because I wanted her to understand, but without making progress. At a certain point I realised that if I explained to the end of time, she would never understand, so I just accepted that we would never have the closeness to her I desired and just stopped trying to answer her questions with any belief they would get us anywhere and accepted the status quo.

GrammyGrammy

Alittlemadam

Get social services, local safeguarding team, her gp or local police to do a welfare check on her that way she will get the help she needs and give you a break in the meantime

Why? It is not their responsibility. The responsibility lies with her family.

Why is it the family's responsibility if she won't accept help or is abusive? I'd understand if the abuse was a new thing but this is a long standing issue.

Ethel

Why do you choose to be abused daily... only you can change your life and day enough

I meant the care manager just leaves it up to her as my mother is mentally able

I’m in a similar situation. My mother won’t have anyone in her house and the care worker just leaves it up to her. I take her twice a week to a craft club and visit twice a day every day nothing is ever right. I’m told how stupid, I am I’ve no standards, I’m useless etc etc. I don’t do housework as I can only just cope with mine but I seek shopping, carry bags compost, take recycling post letters etc.
I could write a book
good luck to anyone in my situation

Alittlemadam

Get social services, local safeguarding team, her gp or local police to do a welfare check on her that way she will get the help she needs and give you a break in the meantime

Why? It is not their responsibility. The responsibility lies with her family.

My thoughts go out to you, Katyj . The worry you go through and it just seems that you are totally unsupported in these situations. We had the argument so many times with the hospital but the last time, the SW intervened. We had already arranged for self funded Respite Care (as suggested by the SW) but still the hospital argued. I think the system borders on criminal.