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Feel a bit used

(20 Posts)
Vintagejazz Sun 17-Jul-22 10:50:44

My aunt, who helped bring me up and was like my 2nd mother, died last year and left her house to me and my 2 siblings. I am genuinely devastated by her death and an old friend who I have kept in intermittent touch withwas very sympathetic in the weeks after the death, assured me she would be there for me etc but then only seemed to text me to find out about the house, when it was going on the market etc as her daughter was looking for that type of house in that area.

I told her when we hoped to be in a position to sell but made it clear we needed to put it on the market as one of my siblings in particular needed the money due to various issues. I was apologetic and said I really wished we could offer to her daughter at a low price. I did, however, say her daughter could have a look around the house before it went up, just with her husband, no family or estate agent hanging around.

Friend seemed to understand, but her texts stopped completely, and v
when I made contact felt I got a polite brush off.

We are now about to put the house up for sale and I texted the friend to let her know. She replied that her daughter has gone sale agreed on another house. It was a polite text but no suggestion we meet up or anything.

That's fair enough. No reason why the daughter should wait, or not look at other houses. Just as we were under no obligation to offer her the house at a bargain.

However I feel a bit sad that my friend seemed to just see me as an opportunity for her daughter, and to lose any interest in keeping in touch once she knew that wasn't going to happen.


Calendargirl Sun 17-Jul-22 10:56:22

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to feel a bit sad and ‘used’, but no real harm done is there? You haven’t fallen out over it, the daughter has got another property, the way the market is you should soon get a sale.

Probably for the best she didn’t buy the house. If any issues or problems came up in the future, you would be blamed, so better it sells to outsiders really.

grandtanteJE65 Sun 17-Jul-22 12:15:43

No, you are not being unreasonable.

I would be sad if someone I considered a friend had behaved in this way. Obviously, your so-called friend has taken offence quite unreasonably, as you explained the situation to her.

Let her sulk. If nothing else it will give you a chance to decide whether you want to try and coax her out of her sulk, or prefer to say that the friendship is over.

Kate1949 Sun 17-Jul-22 12:27:29

She was looking for a bargain. She put you in a difficult position. She was out of order.

Prentice Sun 17-Jul-22 12:38:19

You are right Kate1949 this is what was happening.
The friend may be now feeling put out, but this is not your fault Vintagejazz it is her problem.Her daughter has now found a house to buy so your friend will soon forget about it.
Stay similarly neutral about it and wait for her to be friendly again.

mumofmadboys Sun 17-Jul-22 12:39:13

You behaved perfectly acceptably. Why not text her in a week or two and suggest meeting for a coffee? If you get a cold reception leave future contact up to her.

Shinamae Sun 17-Jul-22 12:44:07


She was looking for a bargain. She put you in a difficult position. She was out of order.

Absolutely this

Harris27 Sun 17-Jul-22 12:46:18

People use other people all the time and the recipients do get hurt. I’m a sensitive person and have been hurt by immediate family though it has taught me a valuable lesson. She’s not a real friend I’m afraid.

SunshineSally Sun 17-Jul-22 12:50:50

Vintagejazz - you were upfront and honest and have done nothing wrong. I think she was definitely looking for a bargain buy.

As someone else suggested - leave in a while and depending on how YOU feel, text her for a coffee catch up. You’ll know by her response whether she is worth bothering with.

Hugs - it’s not a nice feeling when this happens. Been there, got the T-shirt! ?

Vintagejazz Sun 17-Jul-22 12:59:35

Thank you for the replies flowers

FarNorth Sun 17-Jul-22 13:05:14

I wouldn't give that person another thought.
Text in a week or two? No chance.

You were distressed and this person knew it and promised to be a real friend to you, and wasn't. Instead she acted selfishly.

YANBU - forget her.

Mine Sun 17-Jul-22 13:16:05

So wrong of your friend to put you in that position...Maybe be better as an ex friend if she is snubbing you...You sound so caring VINTAGEJAZZ so it will be her loss

Redhead56 Sun 17-Jul-22 13:45:12

You sound a genuine person you deserve genuine friends.

H1954 Sun 17-Jul-22 15:41:23

The 'friend' obviously felt that her daughter was entitled to buy the house at a knockdown price and seemed unable to acknowledge that you inherited it along with your siblings.

You've done everything by the book which clearly hasn't suited......not much of a friend after all.....more of a're better off without her.

Move on and enjoy the memories of your late aunt.

biglouis Mon 18-Jul-22 15:41:22

As the house was left between you and your siblings (one of whom you say needed the money) you had a duty to get the best possible market price for it, rather than selling it at "mates rates" to your friend. Surely she must have realised that the property was not yours alone to sell.

M0nica Mon 18-Jul-22 16:18:05

You did the right thing. Even if you had been in a situation to offer it at a lower price to your friend's daughter, why should you? Less estate agents fees, possibly, but nothng more.

The proceeds of selling the house had to be shared by three, so even thinking that you could offer it at a special rate is presumptuous.

Why should you effectively give your friend's daughter, how much? £10,000? £20,000 or more. What has she done to justify that.

A friend whose friendship is based on cupboard love does not deserve your friendship.

Esmay Fri 19-Aug-22 09:24:59

Hi Vintagejazz ,

How horrible !
So your so called friend has shown her true colours .
If she does that to you then she does similar things to other friends.
She'll end up on her own .
Make a new friend and move on .
She'll be in contact when she's desperately lonely .

Witzend Fri 19-Aug-22 09:47:13

I’m sure I’d be a bit miffed/upset, too, Vintagejazz. I don’t think it’s reasonable for anyone to expect a friend to let them have a house at even a bit below market value, perhaps especially not when it’s a probate sale, and the executor is duty bound to get the best price for the legatees (is that the word?)

Depending on how ‘sort after’ the area is (as EAs often put it!) on the open market there might be offers over asking.

rafichagran Fri 19-Aug-22 10:07:40

You did the right, and only thing, you also have two siblings, and they should not get a lower inheritsnce.
I would also not contact your friend, and if she made contact with me I would have to discuss her behaviour and see if we can move on.

CornflowerBlue Sat 20-Aug-22 06:37:36

I've learnt the hard way in situations like this! Now I feel that if a so-called friend showed that sort of a selfish attitude, they are no friend.
Would I contact them to continue the friendship? Absolutely not, not any more.
Would I wait to see if they contact me and try to get the friendship back? Same answer. Why would I want a friend who uses me when it suits them and 'sulks' if they can't get what they want?
Life is too short.
If they get no come-back for their treatment of others, they'll continue to treat people like it.
Don't let it be you!