AIBU to want to mind my grandson in my own home when his mum goes to work?

Have you asked if there is a reason?

As a young mother I would never have left my children in my parents home, my father smoked, there were two flights of stairs and one was steep, my mother wouldn’t move ornaments or put dangerous items on a high shelf.

I always have my grandsons (elder is 5, younger 14 months) at my house, not theirs. I’m sure they prefer it - much bigger garden, different toys and books from home. I’m 20 minutes away from one and two hours away from the other.

I think it’s much easier for them to understand my slightly different rules when they’re at my house, eg we eat at the table, not on the sofa in front of the TV or perched up at a kitchen island with an iPad propped in front of them. Not stricter, just different.

GrabdmaJosey, stick to your guns! I have taken care of GC one day a week for many years - always in my home , my territory! I would not have driven 20 minutes to their houses then 20 minutes home at 5.30 in heavy traffic!! You are perfectly entitled to insist on child care in your own home. I have always felt safer at home and in control! Don't feel guilty and good luck !

Speaking as a Grandma of 7 GC from 4 different households I would say that it’s best at least to start doing things the way your DIL wants. Your GS may find that the familiarity of his own home is helpful when his mum isn’t there. He’s only young still and there will be opportunities for lots of different sceyin the future. I realised very quickly who was in charge when my first GC was born and I followed my DDs instructions and routine to the letter and this reassured her. I once overheard a phone conversation between my DIL and her sister about how hesitant she was to leave her child with me. I made sure to tell her that I would do everything her way and eventually she was fine. I too sometimes wanted to have the GC in my home but the naps were usually hard work and it worked so much better to be in theirs despite any disadvantages.

YABU, not perhaps at asking the question but for being at all aggrieved at the reply to the negative.
It’s such a shame you didn’t include it being in your home with the initial request as it is now much more awkward for her and even though you probably weren’t being, it is the way a manipulative person corners people, get an easy gateway yes, then tack on what you really want.

Does your GS sleep through consistently? If not your son and DIL may well place a lot of importance on nap routines. Toddlers and puppies are horrendous when it goes awry.

Finally their house is familiar to them and their boy, it will have been recently toddler proofed and they feel more confident of his well-being in that environment. At 15 months they are almost certainly right. You have years ahead of you of grandma’s being a special place to be so don’t be impatient for it and get on your high horse now when your DIL’s preference is so reasonable.

sorry that should have read 'I'm sure given time you'll be able to have him at yours'.

When mine were very young I mostly went to them When they got a bit older they came to me or me to them
But as your daughter in law is maybe trying to get him into a routine it’s far better to go along with that I wouldn’t have dreamed of challenging arrangements just went along with what was asked of me I m sure when he’s a bit older he ll come to yours as well

You say you have a great relationship with your daughter in law, don’t spoil it

No I don't think you're being unreasonable GrandmaJosey and also think that the best thing you can do for now is to go along with your d.i.l.'s wishes.

Maybe there could some discussion of anything(s) she may like you to have or not have, in your own home that would make her feel more comfortable.

I don't think you've said how old he is, apologies if I've missed that but I was thinking that you are providing what amounts to free child care and if he was going to a childminder or day nursery, he wouldn't be looked after in his own home.

I'm sure given time you'll be able to have it your's.

GrandmaJosey, to me, it doesn't sound much like 'helping her out' - it's all about what you want, what you'd prefer. At 15 months, he really doesn't need his little sleep routine disrupted - or to be in a different home. If you want to look after him, it's his mother's wishes you should follow. Just drive there and help out at her house.

Maybe she hasn’t answered because she is busy, with friends, has a flat battery, or something else.

If she does say no then ask if there is anything at your house that she would like changed.

Thank you for your reply ? Yes I’m ok with stairs getting up and down but I see why you said that. He just wants to go upstairs all the time and as it’s not my home I feel uncomfortable being in either here’s of her mums bedrooms with him wanting to root in drawers and wardrobes etc. I do have him at his house a couple of nights a week I drive up after work and take him out for a walk or just play in the house, bathe him etc before I leave and I’ve had him there quite a lot in the past too. I’ve never pushed for him to come here all the time but him being here on a Sunday and him knowing where everything is now and enjoying being here as you say is special.

X posted ( think that’s the term?). Anyway great it’s something she wants, but I’d still wait a while and do it her way first before trying to change your arrangement.

It’s all about routine when they are small and causing as little disruption as possible for mum when she finishes work and has to take over.

My MIL provided childcare (I wasn’t given a choice I was pressured into it by her carping onto DH and DH giving in for an easier life. I would have far preferred the local daycare where their cousins were at, it had healthy food and regular naps and they would have been better socialised).

MIL used to send them back to me tired and cross as they hadn’t had naps, loaded up on rubbish food which they weren’t allowed at home, it really caused more trouble than the money it saved ,as when I was exhausted after a long day I then had to deal with over tired and hyped up children.

As you have offered the care and DIL didn’t request it, I’d go along with her wishes for now and then ask when you have some more skin in the game and she might be more receptive by then.

As other posters said, don’t offer something then over complicate it.

That's great! I am sure it will all work out

Yes she does want more work. She has also since he’s been born told me how she wished I didn’t work so much so I could have him more so she could work more. So me offering to have him over the holidays s something she wants too. She is not doing me a favour as I am not doing her a favour we are both gaining from the arrangements.

grandmajosey can I just check as you live in a ground floor flat if you are ok with stairs? It seems your grandson has access to the stairs in his home, just wondered it you are ok with trotting up and down with him.

To answer your questions, I don’t think you’re unreasonable to want to have your grandson in your home, there is something special about it. We used to mind one of ours when his Mum went back to work, usually a day a week, took him to places accessible from there. It has always been in their home, about an hour away, until very recently and he’s 7 now. It hasn’t stopped us having an excellent relationship which endures. Perhaps be patient a while longer, the time will come I’m sure.

Have I missed something here? I think your Dil is fortunate to have your offer.
What alternative childcare does she have in mind? Wouldn't that involve her taking him somewhere with minor changes to his routines?
He'd surely quickly get used to having his morning sleep at your house.
Seems to me that your dil needs to be more flexible.

It’s moms rules, but I don’t think you are being unreasonable, yet I wouldn’t rock the boat. Keep that relationship going.

All I can advise is that next time you offer to help out you add, ‘at my house’ then your DIL can choose what she wants you to do.

Personally I would prefer to babysit in my own home, but I have driven to London to babysit for a day, and a couple of times just for an evening. A neighbour of mine went up to London and back each week just for 1 day to babysit for nearly 3 years, so it isn’t unreasonable.

"It’s me wanting to build a bond with him in my home. Is that such a crime?"

Why is it not enough to bond with him, regardless where you are?

Why does it have to happen in your home?

No it's not but he's still tiny and will thrive on routine. There's a reason your DIL wants you to look after him at his home. She's not doing it to be mean but because its in her sons best interest. If its difficult to get him to sleep in his own home imagine how difficult it would be somewhere different.

3 years onwards is when making memories and having fun at the beach will mean something to him.

My clarification about "power"

What your dil seems to be doing now for her son is working for her, she does not need your babysitting, she didn't initiate the request

If I want somebody to do me a favour (see your gc during summer break), I am the one who has to be sure that the exchange is convenient for them and does not add unwanted complexity in their lives.

Yes, she can get more work if you babysit one day a week - does she want to more work?
Who says the additional work is located near your home?

Sorry, but I agree that you’re being a bit unreasonable here. For a full day, your DGC at 15 months will probably be happier going to his playgroup, having his own things around him, and sticking to his usual routines. As others have said, his parents might be happy for you to mind him at yours further down the line, when he’s used to you looking after him. But for now I wouldn’t push it.

If it helps, just to ring the changes I always take my capacious “Nanna bag” when I look after my lot - packed with some of the toys and books that live here for their visits. They always look forward to seeing what’s in it, and it comes home with me afterwards (much to their parents’ relief).

It sounds as though you will need to be at their house for the first few times at least. Can you take a toy with you in the car? A different one each time so there's something fresh?

We used to swap some toys around throughout our houses - both sets of g'parents and children's own homes - so G'chn found a new lease of life in them when they found them in an unexpected place!

15 months? Encourage him to go up the stairs a few times in the build up to nap time - good exercise and he'll be tired by it! Not being facetious here, it's exactly what I did with GS.

I hope it works out for you. The bottom line is that G'parents have to abide by parents' wishes, but there's always room for a bit of creativity.

Excuse me?!! Treating my grandchild as a toy? I know he has needs and I do as she says and put him down for a nap when she says to. I said I struggle sometimes-as she does at times too. They don’t always want to sleep when you need them to but as a very knowledgeable person on the subject you will already know that won’t you? My grandson is certainly not a toy and all his best interests are at the heart of my post. Thinking we could have nice times together here where he is also very happy is not me being cruel as you’re inferring. It’s me wanting to build a bond with him in my home. Is that such a crime?