to be disheartened with people

MarilynneT33, (Happy 70th ) Birthdays mean a lot to some people - and the little gestures like phone calls, visits, gifts and cards have significant symbolic meaning (perhaps exaggerated beyond the emotion/thought behind them). Other people, including me, couldn't care less about them.

I think birthday fuss is for children, not adults, so find it quite embarrassing when people do it for me. I recognise that some elderly relatives appreciate a 'nice' card or phone call - maybe a small gift or visit - so I do it (reluctantly) just out of duty. Where is 'It's the thought that counts' in that, really?

To you, your sense of being valued by others is 'measured' by these gestures. Why is that? There's the crux of the matter. Your feelings of self-worth and belonging shouldn't rest on such trivial things.

You got a card and two phone calls. You took offence at the 'poky' word. Now, let it go - and buy yourself a lovely cake and present ( telling your husband that if he doesn't bother then you'll do it yourself).

Happy 70th Birthday Quote MarilynneT33 for yesterday. It was my birthday yesterday too. ?

Just catching up - so Happy Birthday from me too, albeit a late one, At this rate you'll be able to do what my OH does and celebrate a 'birthday month'!
Have a great time treating yourself and enjoy your sea view.

A big Happy Birthday wish to you, Marilynne! I feel for you because I know what it's like! And in general, I cannot bring myself down to their level in being as thoughtless and selfish as them! However, I had two friends who I always remembered at Christmas and birthdays. They might send me a card occasionally, but when the three of us went out for a meal a fortnight after my 60th (and they both knew that I would be 60 that year and hadn't bothered), I happened to mention what I'd done for my 60th (going to a spa with my husband) and neither said a thing - it wasn't through embarrassment of forgetting either, I realised they just didn't care! I haven't seen either of them since. I think I've got to the age where I'm not going to put up with thoughtlessness any more. It's not difficult to send a card, or even a text, is it? As for telling people what you expect of them, I'm afraid I just can't do that - it means nothing to me if I've had to ask for something, it should come from the heart. Just a little unexpected message or a card or something means the world to me, it's not like I want expensive presents or lots of fuss. Remember, you are not alone, there seems to be a lot of us on here who get treated this way, maybe our thoughtfulness does get taken for granted and we do seem to get 'walked over'. And your flat sounds lovely, but it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, so long as you love living there! We have a quirky house that both my mother and mother-in-law have said they don't like and can't imagine why we bought it! I cannot imagine ever saying something like that to someone, it's just not appropriate, and it's unkind .... and none of their business, we can't all like the same things! If it's a small flat, it obviously suits you as you chose it, and I bet your energy bills are smaller, and it takes less time to clean, and of course, who wouldn't love to live near the sea? Anyway, birthday flowers for you (flowers)

Happy 70th birthday Marilynne

Go ahead and spoil yourself!
??????

I'd love to live near the sea ?

do You feel (not so)

Happy 70th Birthday Marilynne champagne ? ?
I’m sorry your family have left you feeling disappointed - so you feel you can get them together and tell them how this has upset you?
You deserve to celebrate whether it be a big event or just spoiling yourself at the hairdresser’s, having a manicure, buying a new outfit (if you can) - anything that makes you happy. And promise yourself you will not let these miserable family members spoil another Birthday.
Your flat by the sea is envied by many on here (me included) so it is entirely possible your Aunt by marriage is jealous.
I wish you well. ?

Something for your camera sounds lovely Marilynne .

You're welcome PollyDolly I do think that stepping back and being less available sends a clear yet subtle message.

Belated happy birthday Marilynne. ??.

I agree with the others.....treat yourself. Make a big show of it.....tell your selfish family what you have bought for yourself. .rub their noses in it. Book yourself a nice day out with or without your husband, put your glad rags on and get out there and have some fun. You can have a good time without them.

Again let your children know what a fabulous time you had. Send them pictures. Say "such a shame you couldnt join in the fun".

Then sit back and wait.

If they don't change their tune, then perhaps reconsider whether or not you want to make a fuss of them on their birthdays if they can't be bothered to honour yours.

The sad fact is people treat us the way we allow them to treat us. If we act like doormats then we shouldn't be surprised if they walk all over us.

We rarely get what we deserve, sadly we often get what we tolerate.

As for the snotty remark about your flat. Probably sour grapes. Use your camera and start taking photos, posting pictures of that fabulous sea view in all it's glory. sunrises, sunsets, the moon reflecting on the water.

Celebrate your good fortune to have such a lovely home with such a wonderful view.

Actually I am quite envious. I would love a sea view. ?

A very happy birthday from me too! you do deserve a treat of course you do. I feel very disheartened if I don’t get a card it’s hardly much effort is it? However be reassured you are not on your own that’s for sure. I put myself out for people and it’s often not reciprocated but I can’t be like that I have a generous nature.
Regarding your family I am not going to make excuses for them but sometimes they are preoccupied with work family etc. Your other half not even getting a card has no excuse he lives with you. He would have sore ears now if he was mine that’s for sure. He wouldn’t forget next time ??? for you !

Happy 70th! I’d feel upset too. I think a lot of people would like your flat overlooking the sea – I certainly would. I guess you get some cooling sea breezes too.

I agree with nandad and M0nica that it could be a good idea to raise the issue well in advance.

Happy 70th MarilynneT33. Yes I’d just buy gifts/cards for those that gift cards/presents to you in the future. Might give them a kick in the pants.

My close friends dil had this problem too. She always buys her mum thoughtful gifts with handmade cards, but didn’t receive anything for a few years, not a card or anything, so she stopped bothering as her mum seemed capable to buy her brother presents (even though dil has to nudge him to even bother with a card.)

The mum noticed and complained, to which dil innocently said oh I thought we weren’t doing birthdays anymore as you stopped marking mine.

Just stop. It’s a o rude to forget your mothers birthday let alone a 70th. As for the pokey flat remark, your house sounds wonderful (I’d happy swap with temperatures going up), tell them to shove it up their jumper next time.

Belated happy 70th Marylynne. I hope you and your DH celebrate your special birthday.

Happy 70th birthday, Marilynne ????

I like nandad's suggestion, which could be adapted to whatever else you'd enjoy if a picnic's not your thing. I know it's not the same when you have to suggest your own celebration, but it might nudge the lot of them into realising that you would like to have something done for you.

Alternatively, you could suggest that instead of stopping bothering with marking one another's special days (as you assume was the plan) you could choose a date that suits everyone and celebrate them all together with a special dinner (at a restaurant - don't end up doing the cooking ) or a weekend away, or whatever your family enjoys.

FWIW, I'm another who envies your sea view.

Thank you for your birthday wishes. I have told my DH exactly what I have written here. He's also fed up with family and so not going to be so amenable to people in the future. He told me to choose something for my camera and not worry about the price. So that's a good start. xx

Happy birthday, even belatedly.

It sounds to me though you suffer in silence passively and do nothing to raise your profile. I always talk about birthday's well in advance and for something like my 70th, I would undoubtedly have raised the issue well in advance. 'How shall we celebrate my 70th birthday? How about a meal out/ visit somewhere. I doubt DH would do much left to himself, but once I raise the issue, he will enthusiastically join in and make suggestions.

I would be even more vociferous if family members get ansy if you forget theirs. perhaps they take your seeming lack of interest, for what it is, a lack of interest in celebrating your birthday. Speak up. Nobody can know how you feel if you do not tell them.

Congratulations on becoming 70. Wishing you many happy returns of your birthday.

I’m sorry and sad that your daughters and OH have ignored your 70th birthday. Just announce to them, “ to celebrate my 70th, I thought it would be great if we have a picnic on the beach. What shall we all take?”. Then enjoy what ever follows.
PollyDolly, I could have written your post!
Some family and friends only seem to contact me to remind me of birthdays. I made the decision that unless I see the person two weeks either side of their birthday, including children, that they would only get a card if they have sent one to my husband, child or myself.

Hi Smileless, we always gave cards and gifts, have always been available to help out during illness etc, although from now on we will be thinking twice before acting.

I am improving but still struggling with mobility and thank you for your kind words.

Belated birthday wishes Marilynne .

I wish some people wouldn't be so thoughtless. I wonder how your eldest would feel if there was no card, gift and 'phone call or text from mum on her next birthday.

I suggest you treat yourself, I know it's not the same. Have a good think about what you'd really like and if it's OK to think this way 'to hell with the cost'.

FWIW I also think your flat sounds lovely and wonder if your H's auntie is a little jealous of your glorious view.

Perhaps you should forget theirs PollhDolly. Let them know how it feels and it just might make them a little more considerate in the future.

Do you give gifts and cards? If it were me, it would just be cards from now on. Hope you're feeling better now .

MarilynnT33 your apartment sounds lovely and a day like today when it’s so hot overlooking the sea must be lovely. I wish you a belated Happy Birthday. Forget all those miserable souls who couldn’t be bothered and treat yourself to something really nice. And remember how special you are

I'm not surprised you feel disheartened. These people have been particularly thoughtless [maybe apart from your youngest daughter, I hope you have a nice time when you see her].

I don't get some people either, surely they can imagine how hurtful it is to forget the birthday of someone close? I'm also not impressed by your hubby, he has been particularly hurtful to you.

But now you have no obligations to those people from now on. It can free you up if you want to. Anyone saying something rude about my place never gets an invite back here - but that's just me.

I'm not that bothered about birthdays but at least it is acknowledged by people close to me. So I'm sorry this has happened to you. Enjoy your sea views, it sounds lovely to me. Happy Birthday for Sunday!

Happy belated birthday! I can relate to your feelings, my OH family never remember my birthday but lord help us if we forget theirs! It hurts doesn't it?

I have pledged to keep on forgetting now, I don't care anymore. People, and that's friends and family, do remember to keep in touch when they want something but when I was quite poorly recently and not very mobile we didn't see any of the for dust!

MarilynneT33 I envy you your lovely sounding flat! I think that quite often people even our closest friends and family can take us for granted just too much.

Can you treat yourself to something nice this week instead ?

Happy 70th for yesterday. How sad your that family couldn't be bothered. I would give birthdays and xmas a miss for them in future. Treat yourself to something nice or take yourself out for the day instead.