Disaster on holiday

I still think, however upset they are, and I’m not belittling their feelings, that they are being unkind to their mum, and maybe they need to consider how she’s feeling.
As I said previously, they can’t have massive issues if they are all holidaying together in a villa.

Grandma French is absolutely right. Describing your DH's episode as 'delirium' is clinically quite accurate. It's not the kind of delirium you can have in a fever, but is almost like a temporary psychotic episode. Your daughters need to know that this was not their father talking. Maybe his subconscious was dredging up forgotten episodes from a distant past which he had long ago put behind him. Together with heat and dehydration, he was probably suffering from heat exhaustion in which - as I know from past experience - you can come out with things you'd not normally dream of saying. Take alcohol into account, and the effect is potentially frightening. You are showing great understanding and I hope your daughters will ultimately come to terms with what was - in all probability - a situation that will never be repeated.

You mentioned he left you for a period in the past?

Have there been other past issues?

It could be that the things he said have triggered some past memories and perhaps your children feel these are things he actually thinks bit hasn't said before.

This will take some time to sort out and you need to let your children go at their own pace.

They must have been frightened to see that said of him and they have lost trust.

So sorry you have experienced this it is far more likely that the combination of dehydration and the wine caused the experience especially if your husband does not normally drink much.
My husband is on the same medication as yours plus another one for high blood pressure he has never had a reaction like this and he can drink a fair amount.
It seems a very unfair reaction from your children for a one off event as dehydration can cause very alarming effects on the human body and mind

Grandmafrench
Very well put, I agree.

You say you weren't going to throw away 30 (?) years of marriage because of one awful evening. I think that's a very good call because if it's correct that this incident was a one-off and a huge shock to you all, then I'd like to say that you shouldn't be overreacting a moment longer to the behaviour of your Daughters or their boyfriends. Your DH has apologised, he's filled with shame and remorse, he's tried to get a medical assessment of what happened, he's making promises about future behaviour. And you are filled with shame and sadness and desperate for some sort of forgiveness from your children.

But, do you seriously think that your Daughters' reaction is fair? I don't think it is and they seem hell bent on wringing the most out of this situation and making it all about them. Why? How does this help their Mum or resolve the fallout from an unpleasant incident on holiday? It should be concerning for all of you that you can say, when she's now in her 30's, that your eldest Daughter has always resented your DH because he left you when she was 2?!! Two? And. you have been happily back together and had another child since then, but she is always sparring with him and is so 'headstrong' that however hard he tries to help her always, she just doesn't have an easy relationship with him. Well, set your DH's outburst aside because she's clearly a very angry person and, wherever this has come from, is determined to make him feel bad about the past - a past which she would hardly remember and which should have been resolved when you re-married and were all together again.Him trying to 'make up for' a bad decision he made a long time ago and when she was tiny, is surely going to be exploited for all it's worth if she feels she can manipulate him now.

They were suggesting that you leave him when this happened? And how does his threatening you when he is clearly suffering some sort of reaction to wine, pills, heat, dehydration, compare with her then actually punching him in the eye? It appears that she owes apologies for her own behaviour and is hardly in a place in which she can sit and judge the behaviour of her own parent.

I would strongly advise that you leave things as they are. You won't want to admit that you have been treated badly but both of you have - irrespective of what happened, some understanding and maturity is well overdue and both of them should be reassuring you about what happened, not ignoring or further distressing you, or telling you how to live your lives. They're not small children, they sound rather spoilt and entitled and now need to step up and not try to make both yourself and their Father feel any worse. If they have anger issues - and the eldest does sound as if she has a problem - she needs to consider getting some help for herself.

I hope that you'll stop trying so hard and give things time to settle. You have nothing to punish yourselves for and I'm sorry if this post sounds a bit harsh but you sound like good people, so please don't allow your family to make this into something it's not.

Oh I really feel for you.
Obviously we don’t know everything, but for all of you to holiday together, you must have gotten on fairly well.
It must have been a frightening and confusing experience for you too, I think your daughters, however much they are hurting are being unkind in not at least talking to you.
Really hope you sort it

You're probably all in a state of shock, I would think.

I'm sure your girls will come round in their own time.

Thank you so much for your kindness all of you. Feels so comforting to have advice from others. Xxx

GP thought it was probably a combination of bp meds ( lisinopril 5mg) dehydration alcohol heat and lack of sleep over a long period of time that all came together in one hideous avalanche. Dh now has some sleeping meds to help break the pattern. Says he will not drink alcohol again. But the damage to our family has been done.

Thanks for your experiences with medication and alcohol - how different it is here

Oh how awful to be caught up in the middle of all this, AlfieFreddy.
I do hope your girls will forgive your husband, although what a drama!

Hithere - it is not true that alcohol must be avoided when on tablets for blood pressure. There are all sorts of different medications - my husband and I are on 2 different ones. I checked the package inserts with both and neither mentioned avoiding alcohol. One mentioned avoiding grapefruit juice - even an extra note on outside of box. There are some meds which should not be combined with alcohol, but if so, there will be warnings on box as well as from doctor and pharmacist.

He was delirious ( of course hindsight is wonderful). He threatened to punch me if I didn’t give him the car keys which of course I wouldn’t do. At this point my eldest dd punched him in the eye and he was so unbalanced he fell backwards- it was awful and he has never ever behaved like that and he’s 65. Dd felt awful but o told her she was defending me and she was so upset and angry by his behaviour. We also have a son who is 35 and suffers from severe cerebral palsy and lives in a care home. One never fully recovers from the heartache. My husband more than me. He left me when our son was 4 and our daughter was 2. This is the undercurrent of our lives. Dh and I got back together after 4years apart got remarried and had a little girl now the 25 year old. Eldest daughter has always resented dh - we’ve had happy times - we’ve been back together for 26 years but dd has often verbally gone into battle with dh. She’s always been head strong. Dh mends over backwards to help her and always has but I think she will never forgive this lapse in his behaviour. But I will try not to msg her as giving both dd is probably the best thing for now.

My DH had also been on BP meds for many years. Never been told not to drink alcohol either. Has wine ( red) that’s good for you - with no ill effects either.

Btw Hithere our doctors have not told us not to drink with blood pressure tablets. My DH drinks wine with no ill effects!

I rather think that it depends on what he actually said. Were they things he had bottled up for years and to some extent rang true or was it just general abuse.
If the remarks were personal I suspect it will take some time to come to terms with them.

The issue is not so much the mistake, it also has to do with how it was dealt with afterwards - what was said that night, what your email said to your daughters, etc.

What a shame it all went so wrong then.
I was wondering if perhaps there had been other incidents like this, and if this time had really been too much to take for your girls.
A lot of drinkers do have partners who enable or excuse their drinking and behaviour.

I'm not saying that is the case here, so I expect it was just a shock for all of you.

Thank you for your help everyone. It’s good to share. I will give the dds time to heal. I miss them so much it hurts. I’m devastated for them but worried they won’t forgive. I wish I had a time machine. Dh was not aware of risks re drinking and no tabs. A mistake.

If he is on those pills, alcohol is a no no
No odd one at all.

What did he say when he went on a rant?

He’s been under a lot of stress lately and hasn’t been sleeping well and I think he became very dehydrated. Not a big drinker just the odd one.

Im sorry you are so upset.
The best way forward is to give your daughters time. Youve said what you needed to, and now they need to process. Im sure they will get in touch when they are ready

Doctors highly recommend NOT to drink alcohol with high blood tablets. Was your dh aware of that?

Your daughters need time to heal from this incident - please let them heal

Is there further background that could make this the straw that broke the camel's back?
I feel there is more info that make colour this post

Disaster on holiday1
Today 14:31 Alfiefreddy1

During a recent family holiday with dh dd x2 and their boyfriends ( dd are 25 and 33) my dh had a terrible reaction to a combination of wine/heat/ dehydration/ blood pressure tablets. He became abusive and delirium took over - at the time we thought he was just drunk. He said terrible things over and over again. The girls and I were horrified. Following day dh had no recollection of anything that had happened. When told of the events he felt ashamed and utterly devastated and apologised immediately to the bfs. He was not spoken to for several hours and the atmosphere was dreadful. Dds urged me to leave him. I said I wasn’t going to throw 37 years of marriage away bc of one awful evening. Eventually I felt it would be best if dh and myself left them in the villa and moved into a local hotel until we could find a flight home. We flew the following night. I msg the dds to tell them. No reply from anyone. I msged them after we arrived home to say how sorry I was that our longed for holiday had been ruined and I felt awful for them. I also said I didn’t expect a reply. I got a reply from the youngest dd to say she was heartbroken and would probably need therapy and time to come to terms with events. In the meantime I have had my dh crying and full of remorse. He has seen a GP and is starting therapy and isn’t going to drink alcohol again ( dd insisted). He has sent all 4 of them an email apologising again and offering the medical reason for his behaviour. Nothing. No response. He’s tried calling . Nothing. We are both heartbroken and so upset ashamed and don’t know the best way forward. Advice welcome.


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