Elderly Mother in Law

What would your MIL do if your husband lived a long way away? She'd have to get a cleaner, have a grocery delivery and possibly have some sort of carer (depending on her health).

My children live hours away. I have chronic osteoarthritis and there's many things I can no longer do. So I have a cleaner, a gardener, my groceries are delivered and I reluctantly have to resort to ready meals a few times a week.

I really think you have to sit down with your husband and talk this through calmly.

Most people - however much they do for their parents - still feel guilty they're not doing enough (or didn't do enough). It comes with the territory I'm afraid. But your husband has to understand that he is sacrificing his marriage and his own wellbeing when there's other solutions. He can still visit his Mum and do a few bits and bobs but not to the extent he's doing now.

What a sad distribution of responsibility. My husband shares I. The washing and the keeping d our home and always as done so. When our children wer young he shared in that too. Ops husband absolutely should be taking on his share of their household duties. What rubbish is this

2 year old thread.

Hope things are easier now.

I have experienced similar to this. Your husband needs to get a routine going and stick to it. It needs to be that he does certain times and then carers come in and do certain times. My late Mum didn't want carers but we arranged for them to come anyway despite her protests and it ended up that she loved one or two of them and couldn't wait for them to arrive. Also you will be surprised how much someone young can get done in half an hour. This is expensive obviously but hugely helpful. Once your MIL knows who is coming and on what day she will soon settle I'm sure. Initially, when carers come, your husband or perhaps you should be there to ensure they know exactly what they are expected to do. Some are better than others in my experience. Your husband is very kind but nobody can be expected to look after another person all the time whoever they are. He must be firm.

Don't do his washing, cooking, ironing or anything else. In fact I would be tempted to spend a few days treating yourself to go out to eat and leave no food in the house. It's negatively impacting your relationship and he doesn't get to have you taking care of his needs while he's completely neglecting yours. If his mother can't take care of herself, she may HAVE to accept help of a carer or look at moving into assisted living because if she's incapable then she can't pick and choose. He needs to organise a plan where his other siblings take a turn so he has more free time OR she needs outside help

I hope by now things are better.

I don’t expect my children to run around after me and am grateful I have a cleaner and gardener and excellent local tradespeople and hope to run my own life for as many more years as I have.

There is some very good advice delivered upthread.

Older people can be very stubborn and selfish about refusing outside help and expecting their children to run around after them. Children should not be guilted into ruining their own lives to care for elderly parents who have the financial means to pay for their own help.

I dont have any children to run around after me So I employ a cleaner, gardner and handyperson (when needed).

Sometimes the answer is to step back and wait for a crisis to happen. Its called tough love.

Thistle2016

Omg if no one has posted life is fing hard, get the most help you can ( lots of family disappear ) don't know what else to say but you are not allown if this helps in any small way I feel your helplessness

This thread is over 2 years old
I’d take a guess that the problem is solved.

I feel that the reason your DH doesn't mind looking after his elderly mum as much as his brothers is probs because he was her favourite, if often happens in families, he must have had a special bond with her, now he feels he has to repay all the years she favoured him, and he probs still likes to be around her, it must bring back happy memories. But this isn't helping your situation.
Would sit down with your DH without getting stressed or starting with any animosity, and tell him exactly how you have been feeling, explain it as you have on here, and insist he asks his other brothers for help.
Is the only way I can see you will rectify this problem.

Omg if no one has posted life is fing hard, get the most help you can ( lots of family disappear ) don't know what else to say but you are not allown if this helps in any small way I feel your helplessness

This is very much an individual people thing. Could you set aside time for a date night or afternoon outing and explain why you are doing this? I looked after both my parents and father in law over a ten year period and had to literally force time with my husband and children or else I would have become exhausted.

I just feel really sorry for Piperly
and i didn't see why she should have to join in cleaning the flat for a woman that didn't really want her there. She is already doing everything in their own home.

I never get this idea that because parents looked after their children then children should return the favour to the detriment of their own lives and relationships. Decent caring parents would not want that, in my opinion.

My husband showed a wonderful caring side when his parents got too old to manage. He was one of 6 but the most loyal. They placed their confidence in him and I was proud that he did it. After his father died he sat with his mum every night and they watched tv. She too died but he had done his best and after all our parents looked after us. I can understand how it’s hard when you haven’t been married very long but before you know it the situation will change. Be proud of your very caring husband.

The husband does not need to spend all weekend caring for his mother; he is choosing to do it. Every suggestion for help, support, care has been rejected, apparently by the mother, and I doubt very much that the other two brothers will step in and share care. They can see how their brother is being used, or is possibly using, his mother.
My father cared for his mother for 44 years until she died aged 94. His father had died when he was 21, and he lived with his mother until he married aged 38; as far as his mother was concerned her life wasn't going to change because her son had married. He continued to support her practically and financially until she died, and it caused endless trouble between my parents and spoiled their marriage. His brother, the golden boy, refused to help because he thought my father was a fool for doing all he did, and stayed well away.

I am sorry for Piperly, but the situation does not look promising. Her husband should not be so exhausted by helping his mother maintain her flat every weekend that he falls asleep every evening; my father used to spend every Friday night and Saturday morning with his mother, and that was to maintain a three bedroomed house and large garden. I suspect there are other forces at play here. Piperly needs to go with her husband and see exactly what he is doing, or expected to do.
And sometimes dear little old ladies can have a will of iron.

Can't the grandchildren be more involved with visiting her?

If you DH was the favoured son of three then sometimes that turns around to bite you in the ass!

My sister was the golden child when we were growing up. She often got me punished with her whining and snitching. Later when my father had died and my mother became very clingy and dependent my sister found herself neglecting her own family and being called round every day. Sometimes she would just get home and mum would call her in tears for some minor happenstance or just because she felt miserable.

By then I lived in another city, had a full time job which involved frequest trips abroad and did not drive. So of course I was conveniently "not available". When my sister complained I told her that she was paying it back now for being the golden princess.

In a similar situation I got involved with accompanying my husband to his mother's to help clean.
Its not a good idea. Your resentment grows and grows when you see the old lady exploiting her son and manipulating him.
We eventually got her a carer but we called her the 'district nurse'. She wasn't from an agency and cost a lot of money but she understood the situation. She only came once a week for 2hrs on Thursdays and helped her to shower and checked her many pills and tablets. Then she'd sit and chat over a cup of tea.
Husband still went over on Saturdays, but phoned her every morning to make sure she was OK.
But I rather think, from the sound of your letter, that your husband wants to go, likes to go, and is unlikely to stop going.

The four brothers could visit her on one Sunday a month each and still have three Sundays each for their own families. Surely that isn't too much to ask, when one of them visits her several times a week?

Typo - " without putting so much on to HER" should be "onto HIM"

Ease her into it gradually.

Perhaps you need to have some event to go to together one Sunday, so that your husband will have to miss his visit to his mother that day. You could join him on the Saturday, to double up the companionship and help do the chores and shopping, and arrange for someone to visit on the Sunday - one of your husband's brothers is a good candidate!

While you are there, you could compile a list of what your husband does for her, and work on how it could be done without putting so much on to her. Involve outsiders in one aspect after another.

Plus, while enjoying the event, you would be able to tell him how much it means to you to be spending time with him, instead of on your own. Then keep organising more things to do together on a Sunday, while MiL is cared for by others. She will probably enjoy their company once she gets to know them.

I'm the mother of sons and I will be 85 next month. I would never expect any degree of caring from them, no matter what. I've told them to put me in a home when it becomes necessary.
Your MIL is being selfish, and your husband is in a difficult position but he really should put you first.
As others above have said, there are ways of improving the situation, especially at weekends.

I know the OP said she would leave the thread but in case she pops back to take a look this is my suggestion.

That one part of the weekend is sacrosanct couples time. For me this would be Sunday morning -a long lie-in (!) follow by brunch somewhere nice. I would then probably accompany him to his mums, have a bit of a chat, do a bit of cleaning or whatever and then take her out somewhere. But on,y if it suited me.

Saturday can be his day with her. Mine to do whatever I want. He can go there Sunday afternoon too but Sunday morning would be ours.

If he or she won’t agree to this, I’m afraid I would question how important the relationship was to him. Every relationship needs to be nurtured and cared for.

A friend married an only child who loved 200 miles away from widowed mum. As Mil approached her 90s and infirmity, they spent many weekends dominated by her needs, and many hours in the car up and down motorways.
She was a nice old lady, but not the easiest to spend a lot of time with.
I'm full of admiration for what they did.

piperly, go and help him, stop nagging him. He is doing a lovely kind thing, by looking after his mum, while he can. He is probably seeing a side to you that is not nice and which is not going to help your marriage going forward