Elderly Mother in Law

Your husband needs to put some boundaries in place. Between work and his mom, he’s got two jobs! He can’t keep that pace up. Caregiver burnout is real, and far better that he puts his foot down and insists his mother accept help from others now, than he becomes ill from the stress and finding another caregiver becomes an emergency.

Preferences are lovely, but not when it’s detrimental to others. Your MIL is simply expecting too much from one person, especially since she has other sons, AND has been offered a caregiver.

annodomini

*Hithere*, you really should read the preceding posts before you spout nonsense. The MiL is unlikely to live for decades, as the OP has already mentioned that she is 85.

As I said, she's going to be famous as the world's oldest woman!
?

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

You need to have a family meeting and get the others involved. I think it’s admirable that your husband wants to look after his mum but he has to realise that it’s affecting your relationship. Perhaps if the whole family get together you could arrange a local authority assessment to see what’s needed, and make it clear to MIL that she needs to take some responsibility herself.

My dh is one of 3 brothers/sons and they are not helping out at all

You all need to get them to take their turn too.

Casdon

Good grief Hithere I’m glad I’m not your husband! Seriously I think you’ve added two and two together there and made five.

???

His mother can live for decades
Goodness, can we expect to see her on the news as the world's oldest woman?

I think the two of you together need to have a heart to heart with your mother-in-law.
Make her aware how much your husband is struggling trying to be the one that "has" to do everything. If his mum really loves him she won't want him to be suffering.

If it means she has to put up with her other two sons, or professionals, taking some of the load off his hands then that's what she'll have to do.

Surely his mum doesn't want her son making himself ill trying to do everything himself? It's a mistake to rely on just one person.
If he collapses where will that leave her? Reliant on other people anyway ?

I understand your husband wants to help his mum, but that doesn't mean he has to do everything personally and he needs to understand this.
Setting up a support network for her, preferably one that's future-proof, is very important too.

Lucca

Therapy ? For what ? So he can spend more time out of the home ?!

Quite, I find what Hithere said very odd.

Therapy ? For what ? So he can spend more time out of the home ?!

Good grief Hithere I’m glad I’m not your husband! Seriously I think you’ve added two and two together there and made five.

This is a dh problem - he puts his mother first

His mother can live for decades and the older she gets, the more dependent on your husband she will claim to be

I would drag my husband to therapy to save the marriage

I was the one who used the word 'needy' so that's me... Sorry, OP. As I've said, I've been in a similar position and appreciate the difficulties, but we're different people and we see things and experience things differently. I hope you all find a positive way through this.

Thanks for all your advice and suggestions. Some more helpful than others. For the record I'm not selfish or needy! I was looking for some advice not criticism. I've taken everything on board and will Tey my best as always. I'll leave this post now

The common thing about elderly parents is that they don’t want carers, they want their ‘children’ to do it
Actually, Oopsadaisy, I think they want company.

A day club would be a good idea but if she won't go then she can't expect to rely on her son for companionship.

He will feel guilty if he doesn't help but a compromise has to be reached.

LauraNorrder's suggestion is a good one.
And, as Lucca says, just how much cleaning does a flat need when just one person is living in it? Surely not much.
She can't have that much washing either - could you do that for her?

Can you organise a grocery delivery so that he doesn't have to go out shopping?

If she needs carers for personal care, or to pay a cleaner, then she will just have to accept that this is the way forward for some of us when we get older.

It would be nice if you could both visit socially just to make sure she is ok for a couple of hours at weekends.
In fact, I saw more of my MIL than DH did.
She will have to manage if you go on holiday and, if everything was set in place re groceries, cleaning etc then you could go off with a clear conscience.

It's lovely to be able to help elderly parents but for for it to dominate your DH's life.

You didn't mention the distance involved.

I had a three-hour journey each way to my parents when they needed help, so helping can easily take all day if this kind of distance is involved.

How you tackle this is hard to say - it depends on whether an almighty row with your husband would clear the air or lead to a divorce!

I would try going with him and helping first. If he or MIL don't want that, your next option is to sit your DH down and quietly explain that you are worried that working full time and helping his mum every weekend is affecting his health as well as your relationship.

We latterly did my father's shopping once a month, filling his freezer with meals I cooked while at his place and put in the freezer, but he did have a home-help doing some cleaning and his washing, and the district nurse in to help him take a bath.

I assume as you are both in your 50s the MIL is in her 70s, so this could go on for the next 20 years.

How does you DH get on with his brothers? If they are fond of each other, I would suggest they divide the tasks to be done for mum between them, and simply tell her that this is the way it is going to be, as none of the three of them can do it all on his own.

If your MIL is in the terminal phase of an illness then obviously that would change matters somewhat, but it does not sound as if this is the case.

However, if your husband will either not discuss matters after the row, or refuses to see your point of view, you really only have two options: put up with the situation because you love him and pick up the pieces when he cracks up (which is sadly likely to happen) or sit down and work out whether this is the end of your marriage.

Piperly

I just miss my dh! We used to have such fun together. Now it's work, sleep, MIL, arguing over outstanding chores and time. I like going out with him. I can go out with my girlfriends but then I'd never see him so what would be the point of being married? ??

Yes, I know that feeling too. I guess trying to turn something difficult into something positive by suggesting going along to his mum's and having a laugh while you clean the oven or the gutters or whatever. This won't last for ever and he'll have the satisfaction of knowing he did what he could, and will treasure you all the more for supporting him through it. (That's the theory, anyway)

This is the number and info for the Morrisons service I mentioned:

Morrisons are offering a dedicated telesales shopping service aimed specifically at helping to ensure vulnerable and elderly people can get the groceries they need. Customers who wish to place an order should phone 0345 611 6111 between 8am and 5:30pm, and select option five.

There is a small charge. The drivers are happy to carry the shopping in.

8pm seems very early to go to sleep, could he stay up later so that at least you could have evenings together. You say he visits over the weekend, is that both days?

"I so miss him" start by telling him that Piperly

This came through loud and clear to me too.
This is where you start. You must have a chat about it with him from this angle...

I also think you should go with him to your mother-in-law's (I do this with mine). She can do her own grocery shopping now too as she has got used to phoning the Morrisons shopping line (set up during Covid I think) which delivers whatever you order the following day from her local store.

Maybe your mother-in-law would like a bit more autonomy and phoning is easier. Now my mother-in-law is doing her "telephone shopping" she actually enjoys the little chat she gas with the terrificly patient call team - and we just buy the things she has run out of that Morrisons may not have (eg, odd size light bulbs or cuphooks or a particular cheese or whatever).

We go one day at the weekend now and sit and have coffee/tea and a chat and together we do any jobs that she can't. She has a cleaner come in one afternoon too which suits her - and my husband visits at least once more, usually mid-week (but only briefly) to just "check" on her - he "saves" the jobs up for the weekend when we are there together which is, he tells her, easier.

We have been finding that this works for us.

Good luck.

The cleaner and the Morrisons delivery are good for her as she feels in control.

Good luck.

I agree with Casdon. My DH is an only child and as his mother became more unwell he would be there every other day doing jobs, paperwork getting shopping, or just having a coffee. I generally didn’t mind as he was retired and I wasn’t. When we were due to go away DH told her that he would be getting a carer to go in everyday for half an hour to make sure she was ok and get her her lunch. She refused and made a huge fuss. So I went round there and told her she was selfish, that her son needed a break and couldn’t go away knowing that she wouldn’t have any one to look in on her during the day. I did eventually wear her down and yes there were tears but she ended up getting on really well with the carer that she was sad that she no longer visited.
Manage her expectations now. Your MiL has 3 children, if she has already started saying she only wants your DH to help her, her emotional blackmail will get worse. What will happen if she has hospital appointments, will he be expected to take time off work?

I've said the same myself, Piperly! I've even written an Advance Directive that says that if I develop dementia I'd like a DNR notice and, preferably, the right to be put quietly to sleep. If that's not a possibility I've had conversations with my husband about putting me in a home, because I know from my childhood experience how dreadful looking after someone with dementia can be. Even so, I suspect that when I'm old and frightened and lonely and confused I'll still want the people I care most about to be the ones looking after me. It's human nature.

Can you look to your children and grandchildren for a bit of attention and occupation to fill the gap while your husband's busy with his mum? In the kindest possible way (because I've been there and I know that feeling of being the one left to cope on my own) you sound a wee bit needy and dependent. Could you take off for a weekend with the grandchild/ children? Could you — I don't know — help with the childminding over the summer holidays? Just to take the pressure off of him. It's hard trying to cope with a needy elderly parent and a needy partner.

pink quartz, it's nice to encounter another woman who thinks that a man taking care of his mum is a positive thing, and one that makes him more lovable.

Calling someone selfish when they are expressing their needs is a very good way of shutting them down and not very fair. However, in order to reach an agreement, you both have to find a way forward.
Have you thought of making a visual to show how much time is left for you as a couple. I say a couple because this is not just about you, it is about your relationship and marriage being successful. If you could colour in the various times he and you are not together showing different colours for each of his ties, eg, work, Mum, sleep, etc, it might show him instantly where the imbalance lies. Then perhaps you could go through the times together and see how you could bring more balance to it.

I just miss my dh! We used to have such fun together. Now it's work, sleep, MIL, arguing over outstanding chores and time. I like going out with him. I can go out with my girlfriends but then I'd never see him so what would be the point of being married? ??

I am actually a Gran myself. I know I may probably get old and infirm! I also know that I will not expect or demand my sons come and care for me! I will ask them to source suitable carers for me if I can't do that myself. I have already requested that they organise a hairdresser for me too, as I'm anal about my hair lol!! ?