Elderly Mother in Law

JULY 2022

If it was me I would go with him, then after about two weeks I would also take along a carer and let her help. Following week let the carer do the work while you and husband spend quality time with mil. She probably doesn’t want a carer because she then won’t see so much of her son.

Your husband and Ma-in-law are unreasonable, you need to have a life of your own Clearly, you will need to discuss this otherwise the bitterness will explode. I am 83 , have three sons, I ask very little of them,live in a three-bedroomwidw home with large gardens which I look after myself.

Sounds very much to me that she's lonely at the weekends and needs him for company.
It's a sad situation when an elderly person to totally control their adult child's free time. Perhaps the husband is afraid of losing her and wants to spend as much time as possible there.
OP sit down with your husband and make a firm plan of times and days he will go there that suits you both. If he won't agree perhaps marriage counselling will help.

What makes anybody think that Piperly is still with us on GN or indeed that the elderly MIL is still with us at all?
(My apologies if anybody knows otherwise)

Piperly, an idea may be that you ring up the other sons and invite them to visit the old lady at the same time then have a family reunion at her place.
You would have to make sure it was all restful enough for her, supply the sandwiches and drinks etc. And wash up, and do any outstanding chores as were needful.

If the old lady is unaware of your husband's being
over -worked she deserves to be gently informed, and at least given the chance to be more cooperative in future.

I speak as a 93 year old whose sons, and occasionally one daughter in law, are her only carers and whose welfare is of great concern to me. I frequently ring to say just checking in, am fine so please feel free not to come today.

American finance expert Alvin Hall says that: "the best inheritance that parents can leave to their kids, is not to be a burden".
(So true, IMO. ) Piperly, I think you need to have a long, hard, truthful talk with your DH. (If it was me, my marriage would be looking very shaky indeed....) Perhaps a weekend away, so you're on "neutral ground" for a real discussion. Good luck.

Why did you marry him if you are unwilling to share in his care for his mother? Few individuals have no social baggage .

We have this situation with a very nasty FiL who is demanding, angry and tight fisted with his money. My partner pays for lots of things for him and never gets his money back. FiL pretends to forget it's owed. My partner is fed up with his dad but is dutiful and responsive. We know this won't go on forever so put up with it. If he was more appreciative, it would be more palatable but there us resentment at his demands. Partner and I support/console each other at the situation and that's how we cope.

Ali08

This was from 2022.
But, are things OK now, Piperly?

I thought this sounded familiar then spotted too that the thread is TWO years old
I wonder if OP is still around and whether the situation resolved itself?

By the way, I would not change a thing. We had a wonderful life together.

When we first married in the 1960's, my husband's parents had died so my husband was looking after his grandma, doing jobs for her but I was always with him, going to see her with my husband after work, going at weekends to do the shopping and gardening, we were joined at the hip and he was so grateful that he didn't have to do it alone.

After she died my dad died so we were then looking after my mum, we were a team right up until she died, it seems as if my husband and I spent most of our married life looking after someone as well as raising children. Sadly he died a few years ago.

Poor you . Reading this makes me feel I never end up needing so much help but sadly often there is not a choice . Must go and declutter more stuff while I can .

She might not want him as much if you go Every time,worth a try & make you look really good,I think it might work.

I’m sorry all work has landed on your DH shoulders. That’s a common problem one member of the family will be left to be the carer, I know it was in my family when gran and my aunt needed looking after, I was the only granddaughter , the youngest with no children so everything was left to me to take care off. The same thing happened when my DMiL was diagnosed with cancer, my DH immediately went on compassionate leave to care for her whilst his brother made about 3 short visits before she died, he then left it to my DH and DS’s to deal with empty the house and keeping the house and garden looked after until it was sold. He wasn’t slow to take money mind you. It’s hard to keep quiet, and your DH needs to speak to his siblings and get them involved.

This was from 2022.
But, are things OK now, Piperly?

This too will pass. If it were me, I’d share the chores with him and make it a joint venture. The idea of having a nice meal out together afterwards is a good one too. Shame the other brothers aren’t taking part in the situation though

I think your DH deserves a medal for looking after his mum but I also think he's being manipulated by mil to do so. Tell him quietly how much you miss your life together and how alone you feel and how worried you are about his health. Take the advice of others and go with him to MIL and hopefully you will see exactly what needs doing and how often. Then you need another conversation with DH and MIL and suggest a hired help of some kind so that your DH has free weekends and if MIL is adamant she will not allow that then tell her your DH needs some breaks and his siblings will have to come over when he doesn't. Present it as a fait accompli ( having discussed with DH and siblings first of course) and leave it at that. Good luck.

I am an elderly parent with mobile issues and have an adult son. I can see both sides of the coin as I fear my daughter in law and son are the selfish ones. I brought him up singlehandedly and have helped out as much as I can as most parents do, having often sacrificed my own own needs for his benefit. To date, I have seen them for one day this year, while they were on their way to somewhere else to visit friends 🙄! I am in my late 70s now and have learned to live with it.

Two year old thread and a poster who never had the courtesy to reply. I would be interested to know what happened but I suspect mother-in-law maintained her iron grip.

Insist she has the carers you have suggested, or that she does without some of the help you give. My mum was like this, insisted she didn't want carers and that we could look after her, which we could not do full time. You need to draw some boundaries for all of you, before everyone ends up exhausted

How well do you get on with your brothers-in-law?

I would be inclined to start there, by getting in touch and telling them that you are seriously concerned that your husband will crack up long before his mother dies because of the demands she is making and that you can get neither him, nor her to realise how bad things are.

They may not care, or they may feel that their brother is happy to help and doing fine.

Like others, I too would suggest going with your husband, whether his mother wants you or not and doing some of the work. This will only lighten the load if you and your husband agree to spend x hours at MIL¨s - not all weekend.

Point out to your husband when you discuss all this with him, preferably without arguing about it that if this goes on either he will kill himself through overwork, or destroy your marriage.
Are his children helping care for their grandmother? And if not, why not? Enlist them!

Oh this thread is 2 years old lol let’s hope things have been sorted out

I feel for you op you are not being selfish at all. He’s not the only sibling your MIL is being selfish putting so many demands onto her son. Not thinking about how tired he may be, of course he could help her and he sounds as if he does a lot for his mother, he’s a good man you got there. But he also has a wife. She could have a carer going in at certain times. You say she has a sharp mind,so well aware of what she’s expecting of him. You tried to help her by asking if she would like to go to daycare so she wouldn’t be so lonely and was told no. Yes you could go with your husband to help with cleaning but it sounds as if she wants him and only him. I actually agree with casdon post. I hope if I ever get to needing help i don’t expect my ac to be at my beck and call. I think you hit the mail on the head she liked his ex wife more. I don’t think you are needy at all but you need to think of a different way of dealing with this situation so that your DH dosent burn himself out

I have three sons, one of them lives 5 minutes walk away. On three occasions this year I have asked him to do simple jobs for me which I cannot do myself like standing on a step ladder, I am 83 years of age. He did not come to help, one of my other sons who lives 30 mile away helped me out. I might add that I had paid for new windows for the son who lives close y. I am aware that one doesn't do something for repayment, however........