Car share

I don't think anyone is being unkind or judgmental. We are trying to point out how it might look to people who aren't aware of your anxiety around giving lifts.

If someone posted on here that their elderly husband, who doesn't drive much anymore, was at his historical society/Bridge club. He asked someone who was going his way if he could have a lift home and they said no, they don't like driving other people. AIBU to find this unkind? They would get lots of posters agreeing with them.
If she explained that her husband had approached someone who had a real fear or anxiety about having passengers in the car because of incidents in their past, the response would be very different.
Obviously you're not obliged to explain yourself, but I can see why some people might have jumped to the wrong conclusion about it.

Thanks everyone for the ongoing helpful advice, some very kind comments but surprised to see some very judgmental and hurtful comments. I can assure everyone who has responded that I am a very caring, warm and friendly person who will put herself out to help anybody. I stop whilst others walk by. The lady in question is older than me but chooses not to drive when it suits her. I don't know how she got to the event and I didn't ask when it became clear she expected me to take her back. She is extremely abrasive and demanding but seems to be liked by the group for this very personality! I thought I had left bullying back in school and thrworkplace but it seems it continues into old age. I now feel unable to continue socialising with this group of ladies after the frosty reception I received on Monday. I have explained in the past to some ladies in the group why I don't feel comfortable car sharing and it was accepted. Ah well, their loss! Mental health issues of depression and anxiety remain stigmatised for my generation. It is so good to see how it is so openly discussed these days.

Explain to the group that you do not feel confident driving with other people in your car and you don't like travelling in other peoples vehicles. You do not have to go into a lot of personal details. If they are genuine friends they will understand, if not then the friendship isn't with the hassle.

I was expected to car share some time ago. Twenty or so people were going to a Garden Centre. One of the passengers was a smoker; the journey was to take around 20 to. 30 minutes.

We met up at the rendezvous point and my passengers had to wait for several minutes for this particular person to finish her cigarette before she got into the car. You can imagine the smell. Then to add insult to injury she spotted a road side mobile cafe parked up in a lay-by and demanded that I pull over for her to "have a fag". as she put it.

I refused as there was far too much traffic behind me and it was too late for me to safely pull over as we were too close to the lay-by . She created holy war and when we arrived at the destination and met up with the others, she was vile to me, calling me all manner of names. She didn't get a lift home in my car! I never car shared again.

I know my circumstances are different to yours but you should not feel pressured into dancing to anyones tune.

I’ve just read through this post.

How did the other lady get to the stately home in the first place? If she had a lift with another member of the group, I would have assumed that was how she would go home. Because you live closer, she probably thought you could take her home and save the other person doing so.

The issue of lifts is difficult. I belong to a group of ladies, nearly all older than me. I can drive, and if ever ( fortunately not often) we have to go out of town, I am obviously earmarked for driving. But I am not keen on driving in unfamiliar places, so an outing is often a bit of a worry for me, especially with others in the car.

As others have said, I can only suggest you explain your reasons for not being willing to give lifts to others. Just because you’re a car owner and driver doesn’t mean you should be a taxi service to those who can’t(or won’t) drive.

Is this social group a formal organisation or just a group of women you are friendly with?
They don't sound a particularly nice lot.
You shouldn't need to explain yourself in my view. I hope you can get out and about, enjoy yourself and get to make some genuine friends.

From the outside it does look as if you were being unkind and unhelpful towards an elderly woman. I would probably not be feeling too kindly towards you either.
You really need to find some way of explaining your issue to somebody within the group so that they realise you genuinely weren't being unfriendly.

You have joined a group where lift-sharing is generally accepted. One person was unpleasant about this, not acceptable in principle BUT folk will be more forgiving to someone they have known for a long time.
Be as clear as you have with us "Following a bad experience, I don't give or accept lifts; but I am happy to......". If need be "No, I just don't like to talk about it, but as you see, it was quite serious".

I help out with a local festival. Others offer their homes for meetings, and help set up /take down. I say "I can do neither of these. This is what I can do........"

My DH is in a walking group, and found offering lifts awkward for various reasons. Folk wouldn't accept money towards fuel, so he pays for parking.

I think it's one thing if within a group of people you share the driving, I think if people dont or wont drive it's really rude to expect lifts.

I am involved in several social groups and giving each other lifts is the norm. If someone never gave lifts it would get noticed and if they did not understand why they would think that person was just being mean. Make sure everyone in the group knows and understands the problem. It would probably help if you always make sure you are the first to volunteer to do other things that will help people in the group as this will also be noticed.

When my sister first passed her test and began driving herself she could not cope if anyone with her tried to hold a conversation. She could only concentrate on driving, and not on taking as well. So passengers had to be content to remain silent for most of the journey.

Humans are not hard wired to concentrate on many things at once and driving is a complex task. I would simply tell your friends that you feel anxious when you have someone you dont know well in the car and therefore you do not offer lifts.

Thanks to all for advice and opinions/insight. After reading another thread on Granset about feeling bad about saying No to others it summed me up perfectly .. a people pleaser all my life and only now able to say No.

Eazybee ... only from immediate family.

Do you ever accept lifts from other people?

Thistledubh it is your right to decide what is best for you. The lady in question drives but is not confident driving to places she is unfamiliar with. Tell her and the other Ladies that you feel exactly the same and in addition because you suffer from anxiety it places even more pressure on you. Ask if perhaps next time one of them could give you a lift and see what they say.

If you have a group chat ... could you not put the reason(s) down , although not going fully into it ... even if you put something like ... not confident or whatever ... or write a letter , photo copy it sign your name personally give it to them when you see the person , even put it through their door ... then upto them , try not to let it get to you at all ... things will blow over

Is there one member of the group you would feel more comfortable discussing the situation with? Maybe if you told her what you told us she might be sympathetic and also filter the information through to the others.
Don't give up. You've done very well in a new area and meeting new friends.

Yes, giving a more detailed explanation might make the situation clearer for them. You don't have to tell them everything, but you could say that you are a nervous driver, more so with someone else in the car. Don't make an announcement, just mention it at a convenient point and let the information filter round.

I wonder if the lady you refused a lift to would be happy to drive to places if she had someone with her - like you, perhaps!

Hi why not simply explain that you sometimes suffer from anxiety ( lots of people do) that is sometimes triggered by giving people lifts and so you prefer not to. You don't need to go into any more detail. If they don't accept your perfectly reasonable explanation then either remain with the group and see if it eases in time, or find something else.
The person was rude to be expecting a lift without checking with you first, you didn't do anything wrong. Maybe she came across more aggressively than she anticipated, being surprised to see you there? Although if she was concerned about you then she could have asked you earlier how you were getting there.

Its easy to say " move on" but I think you might try to stick with this group for a wee while longer as it might be ok.

I am sure they will understand if you explain properly, I don't think your explanation was detailed enough and maybe sounded like you did not like driving other people because it put you out or you were just unfriendly.