Do you have a ‘helpful’ husband?

People complain if husbands don't help and they complain if they do. Just be thankful that you have a caring husband....count your blessings. Oh and maybe just gently explain how you want it done to him rather than complaining on here...

My DH has been WFH through all the lockdowns, and still is. If this is a dry run for retirement, it doesn’t bode very well! He makes me lunch every day, which is very civilised, but as his ‘turn’ at cooking the evening meal, he buys COOK ready meals which aren’t necessarily to my taste, and then silks if I say I don’t fancy what’s on offer. (Covid has played havoc with my sense of taste and my appetite). He does hoover, but not right up to the edges of the room, which drives me spare. I have some kind of chronic pain condition which means I have no spare energy at all, even to be tactful about anything I’m not happy with! He also will come into the kitchen while I’m cooking and follow me round, cleaning up after me, putting things I’ve just got out back into the fridge, etc.

Fortunately he’s very good at his job!

My husband is an absolute darling…he sometimes does things in a different way from the way I like, but if I gently explain it, he always remembers and alters his behaviour accordingly. I really couldn’t cope without him.

You are so so lucky to have a husband who attempts to help. I would love my husband to help but he has multiple sclerosis and dementia and unfortunately can't help anymore . I envy you x

We married late, which perhaps made it easier to decide who does what with regards to housework etc.

I made it clear from the start that I do not in any circumstances do any repairs that necessitate using power-tools, hammers or screws, nor do I repair or service bicycles.

I would happily continue doing the washing and do it for both of us, clean the flat properly once a week, but would appreciate help tidying up the things that have to be put away before cleaning, or when we know visitors are coming.

I would also gladly continue to cook, and as DH cooks as well, we could take it in turn, neither interfering when the other is cooking.

Cleaning the cat tray, decorating the Christmas tree and putting the decorations away are my jobs.

Carpentry, putting up shelves, repairing electric items, re-hanging doors are his jobs. I will help if asked to and told precisely what help is needed- making comments such as "just hold this will you" is no good. I want to know what "this" is, how heavy it is , and where I am to hold it before embarking on the project. I am not a mind-reader when it comes to household repairs!

I try to be just as explicit when I ask for help "will you help me fold this sheet lengthwise down the middle, please?" rather than "I need help folding this" - the kind of remark which tends automatically to make me say as my father would have done, "Well, you may, but what has that to do with me? If you need help, ask for it politely."

On the rare occasions DH has helped hang out washing, I didn't comment on how it was done, as I have known since I was a child of six that every woman in the world has her own system, based on that of whoever taught her to hang out washing.

Formerly, DH hoovered floors and I washed them - nowadays his back is too bad, so I do both and what I don't get round to doesn't get done.

What happens in these households with distinct roles for man and women if one of the partners is ill, or even dies? Surely both sexes need to be capable of looking after themselves, including cooking.

Who folds knickers? I do, what do you do scrumple them in to a creased up ball and shove them any how into a drawer? Mine are folded and put under the clean ones in a drawer. I have two piles one white and one for coloured. It takes no time and keeps everything neat.

Be grateful! My husband does nothing

Mine likes shopping and cooking. I take care of laundry because I quite like it. I would hate to have help with it! He mows the lawn, I do the weeding. We change the bed together.

you have not met my hubby frank spence/mr bean benny from crossroads and david from heartbeat rolled in one,he break everything its so annoying,simple tasks broken/dropped etc,i age daily by his hopelessness,i feel your pain 20 fold believe me

I think I’m thoroughly spoiled. My DH does the cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping etc. all without being asked! We have been married 53 very happy years. He always did shift work so he just got on with anything that needed doing whilst I was at work. My friends are always asking if he has any brothers . My 3 sons are all pretty good in the home too.

My husband is under strict instructions not to help with the laundry.
On the other hand I'm under orders to stay out of his kitchen.
It works for me!

I should add that, very occasionally, he goes to the supermarket with a detailed list. Obviously anything that can go wrong does go wrong and I end up with some unexpected items such as tinned rice pudding instead of basmati rice, or naan instead of corn wraps. A classic was vegetarian bacon which he did not enjoy...

dolphindaisy

Mine is adamant pushing the trolley round the supermarket is his job, problem is, he goes off to check the beer and I'm left with arms full of things I've picked off the shelves, trying to find him and swearing under my breath

Mine used to do this, I wasted so long trying to find him whilst holding armfuls of shopping. He also insisted on going down every single aisle.
Fortunately Covid put paid to that as he has a dodgy heart - now he sits in the car grumbling at LBC whilst I do a whizz around the store. He only gets out to fill the car with petrol and help me get the bags into the house.
If he needs anything from the supermarket he has to write it down and his choices are censored by the healthy eating police!

Everything is shared in this household. DH & I can both undertake all the basics of cleaning, washing, ironing, changing beds, cooking, washing-up, using "machines", & the general upkeep as required. Also the gardening. If anything DH probably does more....

I'm a bit uneasy about the whole premise of this thread. The implication is that the wife is responsible for all household tasks, whereas the OH deserves praise for 'helping her'. Surely, whether the couple are both working or both retired they should have equal responsibility for the necessary tasks while playing to their strengths i.e. what they do best, but doing 'fair shares' in terms of time and effort spent?

He "But cannot use the hoover or mop to clean floors, cannot clean kitchen surfaces or clean the fridge or oven."
For goodness sake, these things aren't difficult. Women aren't born knowing how to do these things so why can't he learn?

Grandma70s

I don’t understand why some of you let your husbands get away with doing so little. If mine had been like that, he wouldn’t have been for long!

I feel exactly the same! Anyone would think feminism hadn't happened yet.

My husband does nothing, and his excuse for this unfairness is that I don't need to do all that I do anyway. Oh, and I also still work (quite hard, as I'm a self-employed writer) while he has plenty of time for 'resting.' Yes, if I directly ask him to do a specific task he will do it, but usually there's a price to pay (get the washing in and it's all crumpled, boil an egg and he has to reorganise the kitchen). I know I should put more effort into training and encouraging, but I'm just too tired! All my sons, I might add, are really helpful to their wives and cook better than them, so I've not perpetuated this patriarchal attitude!

I do find it very depressing that in 2022 women are still talking about men 'helping' with household chores. Surely we are past this now? Household stuff needs doing - by all residents. It's no longer essentially women's work, is it?

I've put years of training into this! My DH does the filing, vacuuming, refuse and the dishwasher. (I come down to a clear kitchen most mornings!). However he takes great pleasure in making a mess of anything to do with washing as he doesn't want to do it.
He can't cook, unless you count burnt sausages, over-boiled transparent potatoes or hard boiled eggs. I'm happy to do the cooking as anything he cooks is mostly wasted.
His other virtue is finding things that I've lost, a not uncommon occurance.

We play to our strengths and that works most of the time.

It is just lovely to read how we all rub along in various ways! If we hadn't moved I think I'd still be doing it all (was a bit of a martyr and put him on a pedestal) - anyway seen the light over that. Now I just cannot do the whole house in one go - so I do any room with a tap in it, he does the rest (bar stairs and laundry). Shopping - I can't really cope with crowds and noise much - so we go together - he has a totally organised list and is brilliant - I buy the odd thing I really want to pick over, have a brief mooch and read in the car till he's finished. I garden more than he does - he does digital stuff - it all evens out.

My husband is in pain from kidney op ,can't help in anyway ,think yourself very lucky

My first late husband was very impractical and so laid back , he was horizontal. I did everything. Now my second DH does everything - the shopping, the cleaning, the garden, washing the cars, the washing and has now learned to cook. He even buys my clothes. I water the plants and sort of organise the cooking. At first I thought it was great but now I am feeling like I have no role! There is no pleasing us is there!