To speak up or not?

I think it important that if you say anything at all you make it clear that you are speaking on your own behalf and do not even mention your DIL in the conversation.

Maybe the best approach might be to say he seems a bit on edge and you are wondering if there is any way you can be of help.

A difficult situation for you.

I would say something, as it is between you and SIL, but wouldn't say anything to him about how he speaks to your daughter. I would, however, mention it to my daughter and ask if she was ok, but we have that sort of relationship - I don't think that one size fits all here.

Just to add - I wouldn't bring it up as a topic of conversation, but would respond if he spoke to me snappily.

I’d be guided by your DD tbh. Talk to her.

If you don’t speak up you are tacitly agreeing to be spoken to in this way. I’d speak to him on your own, in private. Say you’ve let him say things and haven’t pulled him up before because you did wondered if he was under pressure in these trying times - but that it has to stop now as it’s not acceptable behaviour. Good luck.

A huge thank you everyone for your very good advice. I really do appreciate your input and feel better now shared. Sleep well!

Depends what he is actually saying and whether that is rude or not.

If it isn't rude, maybe he has just become comfortable around you enough to not mask his ADHD. Which us actually a compliment.

My daughter is ASD and will vent her frustrations and sensory overloads at me. I feel happy she can do that as masking not only takes energy but causes a lot of stress.

It can be very normal for neurodivergent people to mask all day and vent as soon as they are safe tobe themselves

Sorry OCD, tired brain

You have the right to set your own boundaries

I agree Urmstongran and I think, if done with kindness, respect and concern it will be positive.

He soundlike my husband. A wonderful man who has OCD. In my case I finally told him to get treatment or get divorced, but that won't work for ypu.

What I do when people are talking to me in a manner that is not pleasant, I very calmly say "please do not talk to me like that". I do not raise my voice and remain calm.

When they calm down I resume conversation like normal and not judgemental.

You are setting a boundary but not holding a grudge.

I’d definitely say something to him. He needs to know you don’t appreciate being spoken to like that. As Urmstongran has already said, accepting his behaviour is tacitly approving of it.

My grandmother used to say that people treat you in the way that you teach them to treat you. She would never have allowed someone so speak to her rudely or disrespectfully without pulling them up quite sharply. Of course she belonged to the "children should be seen and not heard" generation but she did not hesitate to put an adult in their place either. Im proud to say that I take after her in that.

biglouis:

..She would never have allowed someone so speak to her rudely or disrespectfully without pulling them up quite sharply

... no need to be sharp about it.
Be gentle but firm. I think that has more positive results.

Good luck OP.

You are this man's mother-in-law, older than him, and right to be expect to be spoken to with courtesy. You need to make it clear, gently but firmly, that sharp responses when ' what you say does not resonate with him' are not acceptable.

Raised eyebrows, a quizzical stare, an 'I am sorry?' will indicate he is out of order. It sounds more as though he is addressing his family as he addresses work colleagues, but you have no reason to tolerate rude behaviour because he thinks he is having a hard time.
How your daughter deals with it is up to her; I wouldn't mention the matter unless she raises it.

I’m going to probably sound very naive saying this but what has him having OCD got to do with how he’s speaking to you op,

VioletSky

Depends what he is actually saying and whether that is rude or not.

If it isn't rude, maybe he has just become comfortable around you enough to not mask his ADHD. Which us actually a compliment.

My daughter is ASD and will vent her frustrations and sensory overloads at me. I feel happy she can do that as masking not only takes energy but causes a lot of stress.

It can be very normal for neurodivergent people to mask all day and vent as soon as they are safe tobe themselves

This is what would be called here "a cossy sant an' a hoose de'il" - a causeway (pavement) saint and a house devil - who is as nice as pie to outsiders and verbally abuses his nearest and dearest.

His ADHD has nothing to do with how he speaks to people. They are not responsible for his annoyance at what is less than perfect or his stress at situations, and he has the intelligence and maturity to understand that and not take out his stress on them.

He should treat his family as politely as he treats anyone else. Anything else opens the door to domestic abuse and violence. Your daughter can make her own choices, but by putting up with this you are encouraging it. Be gentle but firm - you don't like being spoken to so sharply and he needs to be told that.

To me it would depend on what "quite sharply" means. If it is really upsetting you I would just say something gentle when it next happens, but otherwise if it is just a tone of voice I wouldn't say anything

I would say something. He may not realise he is doing it and you should not have to put up with it!
If you keep silent, it will become normal for him and will never stop!!

“please don’t speak to me like that again.” is a perfectly reasonable boundary to have with anyone.

I would certainly say something to him about the way he speaks to you, i wouldnt bring anyone else into it.

As someone has already said, he may not even realise he is speaking that way, it seems things are manifesting into this manner he talks to people !

I know it is slightly 'off topic'. but this brings to mind, my besties eldest son. I had known him, literally from the day he was born (that how his Mum and I met some fortyplus years previously ). He was pretty well-off being a trader and probably not the most ethical even of these!!! My friend had told me of the language he used to her (the same as these people do at their work). I was quite horrified- no way would any of my children ever have sworn in any way in front of me, let alone directed at me.

One day he was at her house when i was visiting, and I actually heard this going on. Language was very, very insulting. Suddenly, he turned, and noticed me standing there and immediately said ' Oh, Sorry Aunt......'. I did point out that the person he should be apologising to was his Mum!!!