Holidays with in laws -need to say no

18 years is enough now, I think. Well done for that. None of you getting any younger. Sounds like you deserve a proper holiday with someone waiting on you. Perhaps a shorter break, max 3 nights, if you do need to spend time with them. That way, you will still love them as you do now.

Think you should have said something 17 yrs ago lol oh have you just come for a rant lol ok cya next year after number 19 ?

Hope you've put your foot down with a heavy hand I doubt I would have done this once never mind 18 times

After 3 days fish and guests stink... Too much, too long, not fun. They - AND your husband should be ashamed!!! IF you can face them at all, you MUST put a practical, enforceable limit on the time. (You can guess from my tone I have got the t-shirt on this). You need them all to know that these 'holidays' are not a break at all for you - they are harder work than your ordinary life. If you go with or host them again, it must be for a short time and you need a break afterwards.

There is no need for unpleasantness. If you feel ill just take to your bed. Husband and children can 'muck in' and keep the show on the road. Then after they have gone home have a talk with your family, not a martyred complaining one but a factual one saying that you cannot cope anymore and that a new plan is needed for next year. let them come up with a set of options and choose the one that works best for you all.

Saying no is always hard, but quite honestly you have more than done your duty by your husband's parents.

Unfortunately, you have not told us if your husband agrees with you that this has to stop now, or not.

If he does not see your point of view, you need to start there and get him to understand that it is not reasonable that your entire holiday every year should be given up to his parents, who sound a nightmare.

If you and he are in agreement, start by doing two things:

1 make arrangements to go way somewhere just you and your husband next year in your annual holiday and book the holiday now if you know the dates, or as soon as the holiday is planned at work.

2 phone your SIL and ask if it is correct that she has invited them for Christmas, and tell her nicely that your parents-in-law cannot stay with you at Christmas this year. No need to give a reason, but if she asks just say you are absolutely exhausted and need time to relax over Christmas and New Year. Don't budge on the impossiblity of them staying at your place and don't allow yourself to be shanghaied into fixing up accommodation for them.

3 you and your husband need to confront HIS parents together and tell them that you can no longer cope with holidays as they have been for the past 18 years. It is now too tiring.

Don't be led into any other explanations or citicism of their behaviour.

Tell them that all good things come to an end and that next holiday you and your husband will be going away together.

All this will probably come better from him than from you, but I doubt you will get him to tackle his parents about this.

Obviously, this awkward talk needs to happen when your in-laws are sober, or what passes for sober with them.

While you are discussing all this alone with your husband point out that it upsets you when he sounds like his parents if things annoy or upset him and ask him to try to stop this.

Sounds horrendous but after 18 yrs it's really difficult to break the pattern that's been established especially due to their age and of course because they are DH's parents. I wish you luck and hope it doesn't cause problems between you and your DH.
Luckygirl13 I know just what you mean about not wanting family to think they are 'locked in' to inviting you on holiday or for Christmas etc. I only lost my DH in May but am already conscious of this and would hate family to feel obliged to invite me to join them for various activities.

If it was me, I might suggest to DH that you give him full permission to go alone on holiday with his parents.

You could suggest your house is becoming a dry house. Might stir some movement.

We only had one holiday with others apart from family. It was caravanning to Denmark sharing car but they had tent. The woman proved to have a B.O. problem and did not shower. Also she left all the food shopping and most of the cooking to me making the excuse that it was her first time abroad and didn’t know the language. I don’t speak much German or Danish but these countries speak English.

When I was engaged my inlaws used to be upset that their older son never took them on holiday. He went away with his wife's family every year though. It seemed sad .
So, when we were married and had 2 small children ( and just pregnant with number 3) I thought we could make it up to them by taking them on a nice holiday with us.
That single holiday finished me.
My parents in law were nice people who didn't drink etc.
Unfortunately, the minute we arrived at our cottage FIL sat and put telly on , MIL disappeared into kitchen, insisting on cooking full meals .....exactly like they did at home every single day. You wouldn't have thought they were on holiday.
Neither interacted with the children and trips out were a night mare of them being unable to make decisions but not liking our choices.
I suddenly understood why my BIL didn't take them. They were very hard work .
We never did take them again.... yet went with my parents and siblings every year.
Different people, I guess .

If you say nothing and carry on, your resentment will build and eventually there will be a big row, which will potentially split the family more than if you say you feel increasingly tired these days and can no longer enjoy the holidays as you used to.

Let your husband go on holiday with them and you go elsewhere. Relax, eat, drink what you want when you want. I go away by myself, it is very liberating.

Of course you may have Covid as a heavy cold is a good indicator so tell them that yoy can no longer entertain them & best that they go and stay in a hotel
Tell them straight that from now on 10 days is too long and that they can visit only 3 nights max
If your husband doesn't like then tell him that you are moving out & he can look after them

Maybe have a friend to stay over Christmas so “their” room isn’t available.

You and your husband are older now than when you first starting having holidays with his parents, and realistically it’s time for a change for many reasons. The escalating drinking and bickering are just two reasons!

You sound as though you would be ok to see them, for a short while, but not for extended stays in your own home or a villa or wherever. There are some very reasonably priced mid week breaks or weekend breaks in this country, and perhaps the day or two beforehand they stay at a nearby hotel.

A 4 star hotel near us does some marvellous breaks and sometimes has rooms at £60.00 per double room on a Sunday or Monday. On other days or at peak times, their prices can go up to £460.00 per room, so choose your dates carefully! And Travelodge or Premier Inn Hotels have some very good deals.

Your break from your in laws doesn’t need to be all or nothing but you definitely don’t want to go on as you are! Hope it goes well, am sure it will. ???

You’ve more than done your bit - just say NO!

When the OP hasn't come back why bother to waste your time responding?

If you can't say no, I would say I'd been invited on holidays next year by a group of friends and you are going with them instead. It's your holiday too so why should you run around after them. Put your foot down and say no, plus tell your SIL she's having them for Xmas not you.

welbeck

just.
say.
no.

What they said

My goodness...you are a saint. If you are unwell go to bed and leave your husband to deal with HIS parents. Tell him to tell them NO to Christmas. You don't have to make excuses...no should be enough.

What you haven't told us, as far as I can see, is how your husband reacted when you said you had had enough.

Did he understand that you really mean that you cannot manage these so-called holidays any more?

Will he be just as relieved as you, if you both put your foot down and tell his parents that you cannot continue to have them coming for the only ten days holiday you have?

Or will he be annoyed with you?

If you and he are in agreement that enough is enough and you have both done your duty by his parents for 18 years, then the matter is fairly plain sailing.

Start by checking with your SIL that she has invited them for Christmas, and whether she is expecting them to stay at your place? Say they cannot - you don't need to give a reason, but if she asks for one, say you are exhausted waiting on them hand and foot during your holiday, and that you really need a break at Christmas.

Why should your parents in law expect to stay with you, if they are spending Christmas with her?

Then sit down and work out where you and your husband want to go next year for your holiday, and book it NOW!

Then tell his parents that you are happy to hear that your SIL has invited them for Christmas, but that they cannot stay with you at Christmas.

If your SIL can't put them up, then she or they will need to find accomodation for them, but not at your place.

If on the other hand your husband thought you were only giving vent to a passing bad mood, you need to start by convincing him that his parents are the outside of enough and that you neither can nor will have them staying next holiday, or at Christmas.

This can be difficult and disagreeable if you are not in agreement regarding his parents.

Now is also the time to tell him frankly that you are afraid that you and he will end up talking to each other as his parents do, and that you just cannot bear the thought. And stop him every time his reactions resemble theirs.

He needs to know that you find it hard to cope with and that you will not put up with manners like these.

I am guessing you have put up with far too much from your parents-in-law over the years, so changing things will be hard, but there must be changes, as you can no longer cope, or should be expected to.

m.media-amazon.com/images/I/41KlRncp1nL._SL500_.jpg

Read a book, “ live like your cat” it will change your life for the better.

Gwiz5- you've taken a good step here in telling your OH that you've had enough and you're not doing holidays again. The next step is is to speak with the in-laws or get him to do that and explain that the constancy of the arrangement is tiring you out and that neither of you intend to continue with it. The truth should be told, their lifestyle causes you a lot of work and basically you end up being the skivvy and missing out on a holiday whether that be away from home or at home over the Christmas period. Their expectations of staying with you have to be managed and managed now - let them book in at a bnb and keep peace and calm in your house. I wouldn't tell them you're going away when you're not because that puts the 'blame' on your behaviour and in the future they may ask you not to go away. They need to know that it's their behaviour that's behind your need to safeguard your own sanity.

Gwiz5 you need a medal! ?