Grandkids stay exhausting

Before they come next time, make it very clear that children aged 12 to 16 are old enough to

make their own beds on arrival and during their stay, plus strip them before leaving

help with the washing up, cooking and cleaning

that you serve three meals a day at the times that suits you and their grand-dad

If they want /need more to eat they buy it themselves, paying for it out of their own money and clear up after eating.

That you go to bed at your normal hour and expect them to be quiet from then on until they go to bed.

Make it clear too that however short a fuse your eldest grand-son has, he will not display ill-temper to you.

And your son helps with anything his children "forget" to do.

If your rules are not respected, they will not be invited to stay again, but only for a meal then bye-bye.

Your son and daughter-in-law have quite obviously not been very successful in bringing up their children. This does not mean you need to turn into a door mat.

Can you explain why you are referring to their dad as “helping?” Isn’t he their father? Is he not the one primarily responsible for them when it’s his time to have them? If not, why? They aren’t young children. It would seem the responsibilities boil down to ensured they are fed, clothed and sheltered. Is he not doing that?

Thanks Pink Cosmos
A good idea as she was away for 3 of the days anyway and son goes in house quite a lot to help out when she’s at work.
A week was too much I think with me not being well and husband with anxiety.
Have a nice weekend

If your ex DIL wants to go away alone at half terms etc., could you son not stay at (what I assume was) the family home with the three boys.

They could then maybe come to see you for a couple of days rather than a whole week.

They have been taught and told to pull their weight, help with cooking, clearing up, dishwasher, etc. Hollow legs, but it is a joy as they eat more or less anything and appreciate it.

Sorry, insensitive comment, I had not taken time to read whole thread.

Ours are 16 and 13 and a total delight, I have to say. And they do entertain each other, play games, go out on bikes, etc.

Thanks for your comments V3ra and all that you say is food for thought.
Gs aged 16 I worry about him with the amount of food he puts away, I encourage my son to get help for him and definitely no cola when he’s with me. I also offer help with finding a job - he got a job in a local fish and chip shop but only lasted a few weeks. Not ideal with all that food about. I gave him English grammar lessons all last year and he was online every week and got a brilliant grade - he’s just started college on a music course and loves it, if only he wanted to cut the sugar.

From what you say the 16 year old is in urgent need of medical support.
His lifestyle is so bad for his future health, and as for demanding money from his younger brother... get out and earn your own!
Your son and daughter-in-law really need to act together on this for all their children's sakes.

What a dreadful experience this visit has been for you and your husband. Things have definitely got to change, your son and daughter-in-law can't just dump their problems on you like this again.

Thank you - so much support here - glad I joined - an outsiders view is so valuable right now

Pat You are making yourselves ill and have had good advice so will just say you really can’t carry on like this.
I wish you both well.

Wyllow3
How concise and yet wise your words are so thanks - I really take on board that it is in everyone’s interests for me and hubby to say how we feel, as you said it’s better to do so rather than being exhausted again and it all collapsing and stress before and after the visit.Also you point about T and Cs is interesting and saying what we can and can’t do.
What is happening is that all here I would really like to for example take my granddaughter aged 11 shopping but I’m up to my eyes in keeping the peace with the teenagers and trying to motivate my son to take them out.
One of the things I can do is having them all in the day for dinner etc then they early evening to go back to their caravan - I may be able to see each one individually what a luxury!
Right now we are sitting here - thinking there must be an answer and feeling guilty that I will have to explain about how drained we still feel - but we know you are right and it has to be done. My grandson aged 16 is obese and my son says he gets angry at his mum if he can’t have sugar and cola - last week I went with my son, gs aged 14 gd aged 11 swimming, my grandson 16 didn’t come as he has a self image issue due to his body size. When we got home hubby said he had asked him to come out of his den to make food but he played on games all day - we got back at 5pm and gs 16 was annoyed he hasn’t eaten all day and demanded food - I gave him money to go out for food with he did as he was going off on one when he returned full up he was ok. We’re concerned that soon they will all go drinking and then what…………we’re anxious and whilst we want to see them my illness PMR is flaring up again - thanks for reading it helps so much believe me and hubby too

I believe its in THEIR interests the truth comes out and boundaries are drawn. If you carried on then the arrangement collapsed it would be worse for them.

You are both now a lot older.
Your DH has been made ill by it.

Tell DS and DiL together you are now too old to carry on.

Not only that, but " this has sadly made us both so ill/exhausted we even had to consider having no further invitations or stays at all
but however we are able offer you....(spell it out")

(They might agree then try to nibble away at the T's and C's when things do happen - forestall that by saying in the agreement you have to stick to arrangements - and do so)

xxx

Thanks again, it’s been good to find out what you all think.
Shelf life your words ring true as that’s how I feel, even though I love my son and GC so dearly.
Problem is my ex daughter in law wants to go on holiday on her own and makes sure my son aged 43 has the children all week , I realise she needs freedom but a week may be too long.
They next intend to come in December although son hasn’t asked yet.
Right now hubby I’ll with chest infection since they left he’s been feeling so poorly. I know how have to get my act together and say I’m not well and can’t cope with all of it. I’m concerned that if I pay for a caravan as they don’t have funds that I will be expected to do so for ever more and we’re on pensions.
I so appreciate you’re comments - I’m still exhausted clearing up, washing etc
Another thing bugging me - grandson aged 14 earns a bit working on a Saturday on a golf course and grandson aged 16 asking him to give him money for food as happened when they were here but I didn’t hear about it until the day they left - think I should keep out of it or tell son cheers

I agree welbeck. I recognize the GC are having a tough time but Pat you are being put upon big time ! This is totally unreasonable, you are not in the best of health no wonder you are exhausted!! Your son should have more respect for you and your husband. The GC are old enough to do jobs around the house and tidy up after themselves. Put your foot down and put a stop to it !!

It's half-term, I think!

Pat23 - I do feel for you.
I presume they are in school during the day - so catch up with some sleep. I find that if I get a good sleep, I am able to cope better. You are good GPs and doing all you can for your family. Good luck!

there is if you think the place might be wrecked if you withdraw.
whatever the son's problems, i think to dump on his elderly mother who suffers the pain and restrictions of PMR, and invade her and her husband's home, and cause them both further stress and anxiety is unacceptable.
just say no.
i wish you well OP.

-^it’s the evenings that are so long until early hours- or should I just put up with the tiredness and feeling drained^?

There is no need for you to stay up with them.

What Glorianny says!
They are 12, 14 and 16, quite old enough to see to themselves and to help you too.

The 14 year olds in our family do chores and the 10 year old left her room tidy and bed made neatly last time she stayed.

I m glad you didn’t take my post as criticism Pat it really was looking at the problem from different unconnected eyes which I hope would be helpful I m also glad you ve had a think and realise your trying to save your husband from his own anxieties Well you can’t save everyone somethings got to give
I really think you, your husband and your son need to sit round a table and explain your man’s mental health and your own health problem and tell your son you need to set some rules to help you all as you want to see them but need his help

1 First go to bed and leave them to take themselves off to bed when they are all ready
2 don’t call them back if they are out with other family members take a break while they are gone
3) your husband might have house anxiety but presuming he is physically ok he can help you clean and tidy it
4) for crying out loud stop the 2 hour breakfasts either toast and cereal or they can cook theirs and yours (my grandson was cooking lovely meals from 10/11 usually missed out the washing up but was a good cook)

Where’s is his caravan is that what they are all living in 6 hours away ?
Write down positive changes you can make I find lists are very helpful Fors and Againsts help too
I m sure it ll settle down if you take the lead and put yourself first for once 💐

It sounds as if they need some rules and guidelines setting. Drop the complicated breakfast.Tell them to get their own, provide cereals, toast and choice of spreads. Give them a guided tour of the kitchen and leave them to it. Take yours back to bed on a tray. Explain clearing up rules. My 10 and 8 year old GCs know how to clear the table. Teach them to stack the dishwasher or wash up.
Research things which could get them out of the house for the day and book them on some.
Don't stay up with them, go to bed.
Explain to them that you are older and get tired and you need them to help out. You never know they might start looking after you.

PS, yes it is helping them a lot at this tough time but if offering less, means in the longer term being able to be consistent and see them every s often without so much fear and stress its a better compromise?

people who have been drinking do cause problems.
i quite understand your anxiety.
add to that the usual teenage impulsiveness/lack of consideration for others, plus a moody big boy with a possible eating disorder.
and you have PMR.
don't have them all to stay again.
your son needs to get his act together.

Forsythia

I think your idea about the caravan is a good one. They can look after and feed themselves. You can have a break when tiredness comes, your DH won’t have to be anxious about damage. If they drink and make a mess you won’t be clearing up after them. Explain to your son you are getting older and just can’t cope with it all anymore. I’m sure he will understand.

Best ideas together all round.

"Explain to your son you are getting older and just can’t cope with it all anymore."

whether your son likes it or not the point, its the truth, and explain its a limited option only.

You could make it clear what you CAN do -ie the caravan option. Or if YOU can afford it, treat them to a local air bnb out of season.

Look, my 10 year old grandson can make his own breakfast with the toaster, the older ones can.

16 year old must be having hard time with being a teenager and all that brings plus the uncertainly of mum and dad splitting up. They are probably all anxious. If your son sees them 5 times a week he should have a good idea what’s needed to keep them occupied. I can understand him being tired after the drive down but also him being ill too but under normal circumstances I would expect him to look after the children.
Not sure what your financial situation is but is there a local cafe who do cooked breakfasts where your son could take the kids in the morning. Anywhere local he could take them for a day to do something fun and get rid of some energy.
I agree with others you don’t need to stay up. Just tell them you’re going to bed and as their dad is there he can keep an eye on them.
I would try and find a way of coping if you can as I’m sure being with you will help them through this time. It will probably take you a few days to recover from all the busyness. She what your thinking is like then.