I need to vent!

Thank you all for your comments. Slight development today. (Maddyone, we are in our mid to late 60s) Husband had high BP readings. ECG done on Friday. Results back as abnormal today. Echocardiogram tomorrow. May be blockage. Hopefully something that can be sorted.

It can be complicated when overnight stays are involved too.
A bit like you Norah I have 3 daughters with 6 children between them ranging from 12 - 1, then there’s the 3 SILs, DH’s 2 sisters (unmarried) known as “the Aunties” one nephew now in his early 30’s (single) , DH’s brother (divorced) his daughter in her 20’s often with a lovelorn swain in tow, and this year the Ukrainian lady and her 2 year old son.
The Aunties (perhaps because single) have never volunteered to “do”Christmas but after FIL died, would come to us along with MIL
After DH died, eldest D took on the responsibility as they have by far the biggest house and 3 children.
BIL lived in Singapore until 6 or so years ago and would no more think of hosting than fly !
There are those who “do” Christmas and those who seem to expect to be invited! !

MawtheMerrier

Oh the emotional baggage of Christmas!
My “solution” to take some of the heat out of things this year is to host a whole family “do “ here the Sunday before Christmas and hope that takes some of the pressure off the day itself. D1 has a Ukrainian single mum and little boy living with them and no way would she leave them alone over Christmas but if everybody went to hers we’d be at least 22 and even with us all mucking in I know she would find it stressful- plus, with the distances involved, I think it is wrong for anybody to feel they have to drive across the country at Christmas!
I’m sort of central (Kent, London, Norfolk, Birmingham) but could not seat 20+ (or accommodate half a dozen young GC) so I am hoping my lower-key pre-Christmas do will meet the brief of everybody seeing each other and if we are then in different locations on the 24/25 nobody will feel left out!

Yours is a nice way to solve the crowd issues of family meals.

We have 4 daughters, they each have 2 children, many of them have children - too many for one meal.

Our daughter chat at each other and each select a separate date in December to come to us. Advent Sundays, each having a Christ virtue, are a nice part of selecting, imo. Last I heard they'd about decided who would be here and when.

Yummy biscuit! Perfect for breakfast, thanks

Entitled 98 year old? Honestly Hithere, you take the biscuit.

OP hope your dh gets something sorted out with his siblings. It’s really his problem to manage.
If not consider going to your family if that’s what you want to do. No doubt siblings will be quick enough to claim any inheritance, but at least you know you have done your best.

Forsythia

Do your own thing. Let your husband be with his mother and you go to your family. I bet if you suggest to him you’re doing that he will find a way round it.

This is what I would do and have done in the past. Pass the buck let him sort it out.
I once had Christmas with my parents and my 6-month-old baby. DH had his with his parents but had to stay sober as I didn't drive and his mother insisted on seeing the baby on Christmas day.
We were staying with my parents and were careful to take turns where we stayed. He got it sorted the next year so he could have a drink.

Why is everybody blaming the siblings?

This 98 yo entitled person chose not to go to a care home as she wants to slave her family to take care of her - and dh and OP chose to do so

Only op and dh have the power to stop this arrangement

The siblings made different choices for themselves - also valid

An old woman of 98 absolutely does not have the right to service from others. Respect yes, but not service. I’m wondering how old Sunflower and her husband are themselves? If mother is 98 they could be well on in years themselves, but I’ll guess in their seventies. How many people in their seventies can take on the full care of a very elderly woman themselves, who selfishly refuses carers or a care home? They may have health issues themselves, but even if not, they not spring chickens. Mother needs to move into a care home or accept carers in her own home. Sunflower and her husband need to be relieved of some of her care in order that they can begin to enjoy their own retirement.
The Christmas issue is tricky. Perhaps Sunflower should explain to mil that they will be away and then go. They cannot be held to ransom to a very selfish old woman.

Sunflower2 - I'm only suggesting this as my own adult children have stepped up to help when we had to go away to a sick son in America. They covered for us totally regarding my husband's mother (98). One even moved in with her for a few days. Is it worth asking?
Alternatively, would your children do (say) a day each over the holidays so you can have a break?...

I do know it shouldn't be like this. I would also be spitting feathers on it. You totally have the right to be angry.
💐

You're right Caleo it is actually a bit silly, the fuss that people make about getting together for xmas.

I absolutely agree that you should not feel guilty for wanting to spend at least one Christmas with your family and celebrate the way you want to. Yes, she may be old and not long for this world, but you also only have a limited time on this earth and one Christmas is definitely your right. Unfortunately, you probably will feel guilty and I know the feeling of being torn between your husband's guilt from his mother and doing what the two of you want. I am afraid that in the end it always comes down to can you do what you want for just this one Christmas and live with it, because absolutely you are entitled to do it the way you want for once.

I'm with luluaugust.
MiL won't be getting a family, if it's only you and DH.
Tell SiL she's the one neglecting her mother if she won't come for xmas.
Tell MiL & SiL that you will be sticking to your family arrangements. MiL is not the only one who has to be considered ad DH can stay with her if he likes, along with his sister - both of them are MiL's family, not you.

A woman of 98 has a traditional and moral right to respect and service from others. You and your husband are fortunate to be able to help her. I should think her bad manners might be forgivable in view of her natural fears she could be abandoned. Please frequently reassure her she will not be abandoned as that may be all she needs to stop her pathetic threats.

Both you and the old lady are a bit daft about the importance of Xmas. I suppose many people see it as a sign or even proof that they are loved. I imagine at her age she has some excuse for reverting to infantile glorification of Xmas.

The other siblings are the worst of your problem. It's unlikely they lack consciences. It's more likely that they feel incompetent. Why not explain in great detail(and politely) what you two with your years of experience know to be the old mother's needs and try to persuade them they can do it as adequately as you and your husband do it?

By the way, has anyone actually asked the old mother which of her children she wants with her to look after her?

As an only child I had my mother for Christmas every single year until she died which was 25 Christmases. When my husbands mother was widowed we had her every Christmas too, which was 15 Christmases. They were our mothers and we never thought anything of it.

Sunflower you sound a lovely caring person but I do think you need to stand up to the other two siblings. You obviously thought your SIL would do her bit on this occasion and you need to tell her in no uncertain terms that she should step up for this one day of the year so you can see your family. You could say that your family are going to be extremely upset if they don't have you with them. It was MIL's choice not to go into a home and if this means she is alone perhaps this should be gently explained to her. Good luck and I hope you get the Christmas you would like.

Oh the emotional baggage of Christmas!
My “solution” to take some of the heat out of things this year is to host a whole family “do “ here the Sunday before Christmas and hope that takes some of the pressure off the day itself. D1 has a Ukrainian single mum and little boy living with them and no way would she leave them alone over Christmas but if everybody went to hers we’d be at least 22 and even with us all mucking in I know she would find it stressful- plus, with the distances involved, I think it is wrong for anybody to feel they have to drive across the country at Christmas!
I’m sort of central (Kent, London, Norfolk, Birmingham) but could not seat 20+ (or accommodate half a dozen young GC) so I am hoping my lower-key pre-Christmas do will meet the brief of everybody seeing each other and if we are then in different locations on the 24/25 nobody will feel left out!

Norah: It’s getting to that point! But, she’s still a 98 year old and we have a conscience. We don’t want to see her left on her own at Christmas.

DillytheGardener: it is a difficult one. She isn’t always that nasty, but has become more so as she’s aged. She must feel frightened and vulnerable. It can’t be easy for her, but as I keep pointing out to my DH, it was her choice not to go into a care home. I don’t know, or rather, I have a good idea, who she thought was going to care for her. Because of geography it has fallen to us. It’s now expected.
The other family members say having Christmas with a family is what she wants, as though if she wants it she must have it. I have pointed out EVERYONE must be taken into consideration, not just her. She may not get what she wants. Sadly as I posted previously, we’re still hearing about the Christmas we ABANDONED her, even though we’ve hosted her since! It keeps being thrown back in our faces! It is just so wearing, sad and dispiriting. Depressing. No matter what we do, it’s not enough. Not good enough, not done right, the wrong day, not prioritised her, you name it!

Your Christmases sound just as horrendous. Wishing you strength in standing up for what you want!

Maybe let her withdraw her inheritance, do you really care?

It’s a difficult one. Your mother in law sounds manipulative and nasty. Using one ac for care then threatening to with draw inheritance is awful behaviour, my mother in law is a piece of work but not that bad.

Unfortunately people who are genuinely difficult and nasty, reap their reward in that relatives avoid them. It doesn’t make the relatives bad, just that they won’t put up with it. Your DH sounds like he has been trained to dance to his DM’s tune and she can be nasty to him, because she knows he will always be there.

For posters saying she’s not long for this world abs they should include her, no it’s unfair she has had plenty of Christmas with op and it’s ops family turn this time.

Say no. If she has a strop maybe she will learn she can’t always get what she wants and may catch more flys with honey rather than vinegar.

Have the Christmas you want op. Having had a LIFETIME with my ghastly mil who must be fettered and indulged I would love a Christmas without her, but have had 30 something years of marriage with her haunting every Christmas and taking over. Now my sons both live abroad I’d wished I’d had at least one without her to do a Christmas my own way and without constant criticism.

NotSpaghetti: They WOULD come if their parents were coming, ie BIL and his wife, but as BIL can’t travel due to ill health, it’s unlikely they would offer, plus MIL’s care should really fall to one of her children, not grandchildren, although it would be a welcome gesture. They would be perfectly capable of cooking a Christmas dinner and our house would be available if they needed it.
My beef is just the principle of the thing. The lack of help when we need it. A fair and equitable sharing of responsibility. I can’t understand why, whether out of duty, guilt, gratitude or desire, the others see no reason to play their part. If it were reversed and THEY had responsibility for her, in their part of the country, I couldn’t, for shame, not feel we had to help out at times.

Presumably they could stay at your house?

Hello, you say BIL’s adult children would come... Maybe ask them if they would please consider going to her this year if you bought a Christmas dinner they could just pop in the oven?

Something like this:

www.cookfood.net/menu/christmas/christmas-day

Allsorts: SIL has said she can no longer have her mother at her house as she finds it too hard to look after her. MIL could also not travel 300 miles to her daughter’s.

What’s wrong with sil having both mothers for one day. I think you need to have a talk.If you have to have mil make it C day and your family boxing day. I do hope I don’t get selfish and make demands on my son, I want him to have Christmas with his family if he becomes a grandad as I have been lucky and always had my family but only one day. . I only have one day with my sons family the rest of the time I’m on my own so they can see dil family.