I need to vent!

Forsythia: He has said he wouldn’t leave her on her own even if I continue with the plans. He would be ok with me doing that. It’s just that I would feel awful!

Eazybee: Yes to feeling guilty whatever happens or immensely resentful.
Yes, threats of disinheritance are despicable, even if she wouldn’t carry it out.
I would be prepared to visit family on my own, but that would make me look so uncaring.
True, he’s not going to change now, although he has tried remonstrating with her, sadly she places more store on staying in favour with her daughter.

Theexwife: ‘….but surely she would be ok for one day with carers calling in.’ Ha! That made me laugh! We had exactly the same two years ago. We gave up our plans in order to make sure someone visited her on Christmas morning because no one would come down and be with her, even though they were given plenty of notice of our plans to go away. She is STILL talking about how she was ‘LEFT’ on Christmas Day. ‘ABANDONED’. Had to have a ‘CHARITY Christmas dinner’. Even though we hosted her last year, she STILL blames us for THAT Christmas WE abandoned her!!!!

Do your own thing. Let your husband be with his mother and you go to your family. I bet if you suggest to him you’re doing that he will find a way round it.

NotSpaghetti: They’re fluid in the sense that we’d have to cancel invitations to my brother’s, my son and my daughter’s houses.
Sadly SIL doesn’t drive so would be impossible to get mil to our house, plus the only suitable toilet facilities are upstairs.
Yes, she means adult children. Ours aren’t available so it would only be me and DH. SIL’s children all married with children and doing other things. None live near. BIL’s adult children would come, but sadly BIL unfit to travel.

Debbie58: Is there a high five emoji!!! I’m with you on that one. My family have said just carry on with your plans on your own, but I have a conscience and I couldn’t just walk away. But we have been manipulated, deceived, coerced, emotionally blackmailed for as long as I can remember. Trouble is, it’s the 98 year old that suffers, and who wants to see that?

It is unfair, but I assume they do not love her and therefor feel no guilt in not seeing her. You cannot make people care.

You obviously do care about her but surely she would be ok for one day with carers calling in.

Unfortunately, whatever happens you are going to be made to feel guilty. Threats of disinheritance are despicable, but the coercion of one child with the connivance of the other siblings is only too common.
Would you be prepared to spend Christmas with your family without your husband? He has clearly been bullied by his mother for most of his life, and is not going to stand up to her now, being more concerned about the disapproval of his family than your feelings. And have a real go at your selfish sister in law as well. They do sound an awful family.

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you , I think Christmas can be really stressful. I married my second husband 12 years ago. He's an only child and both parents are in their 90's now , they live 10 min drive from us and are fairly independent. However, every Christmas is the same , we make our plans. He then visits his parents and they decide what they want to do and my husband falls in with them. He's never stood up to them, preferring to upset me. I have a large extended family as well as grown daughters and 3 young grandchildren. It's just not possible to see everyone on Christmas day . My twin daughters are 30 this boxing day , I used to organise a family gathering for them. But not this year , as they have fallen out again !!! I can empathise with you , I hate being bullied into spending Christmas day with people I don't really want too. If hubbie pulls that stroke with me again this year, I'm going out , leave him here with his parents 😤 I've tried talking to him about how I feel etc and he agrees . Then still does it !! He just can't say no to them.

It is not about how many cmas she has left, how about you and your husband?

You have been coddling mil since she was 68 or younger -she can only play you if you let her

If your brother-in-law is unfit to travel why not suggest your Sister-in-law uses your house to host her mother?
I'm confused about the "family" your mother-in-law is wanting.
Does she mean your children?

Do your husband's siblings not have family?

Are your pans all "booked in" or do they still have some fluidity?

Lucca: No, I don’t suppose she would disinherit, but the sadness of a mother saying that to a son to get him to do what she wants reduces us to tears, especially as we are the ones caring for her.

Silverloning48: They wouldn’t share. Sil would say it was her mother’s wishes! Strange it doesn’t apply when her mother expresses a preference SIL DOESN’T agree with!!!

Jodie’s: No nursing home. She refused. She lives at home and has three carer visits a day.

Forsythia: We’ve hosted her for that reason for the last number of years. Our plans, which were known by DH’s siblings since January, involve travelling. So joining us is unlikely, as that is difficult for her.

It’s really just about the principle of the thing. How can we leave a 98 year old on her own? And yet if we don’t capitulate, cancel our plans, the other two seem to have no qualms about leaving her. I don’t understand.

She’s 98. Realistically, how many more Christmases has she got? The siblings are unfair but could she not join your family for Christmas?

Does she not live in a nursing home? You do have my sympathy. It's hard enough if they are old and sweet but when they are controlling, well, just don't let her or the Sil. Ignore the threats. You are entitled to your own life.
Hope things get sorted.

Your husband needs to stand up to his mother and his siblings Sunflower. His mum will only continue to behave in this way if she's enabled and his siblings aren't going to help out if your husband's going to do everything himself.

I certainly wouldn't be controlled by threats of being disinherited.

It is not unreasonable to expect the other son and daughter should take turns at Christmas given you have done the lions share for so many years.
If mil is threatening to cut your dh off then there’s nothing stopping his siblings sharing the inheritance when time comes equally between all 3 of them, but not sure I woukd risk it, they certainly don’t seem to be bothered that they leave you to do it all.
I understand as was in similar position, except my sibling lived 5 minutes walk and I was much further away but still they didnt do their share.

Reminder: Christmas is a season not just one day. You could celebrate with SOME of the family on Christmas Eve, Others on Christmas Day, Boxing day, Hogmanay or New Years Day (or even any day in between). This is what we do as we all have small houses, unable to accommodate the whole family at once.

It is time to reclaim your life back

You are only forced to do what you choose (generally speaking)

No you are not being unreasonable in my opinion. You can bet the siblings will be right there for any inheritance!
I think you should stick to your guns and be with your family for once. I guess it depends on whether MIL can or would disinherit