I need to vent!

Ali08: Sadly, the other two siblings can do no wrong in her eyes. She accepts her daughter’s reason of ‘it would be boring’ for her not coming. Her other son, in truth, does have a condition that would make it difficult for him to come, but, as ever, this is a long standing thing, having gone on for years and years, and I think we just reached the end of our tether.
She also will not go in a home. She has seen friends go in and they’ve hated it. I have suggested she give it a try just for a week, to see if she might feel more entertained, but she has refused.

Threatening your DH with disinheritance? What about the rest of them that, truthfully, just can't be bothered? Are they to be disinherited, too? I'd bring this up to her!!
She could go to a home for Christmas, making it a little holiday for her, that way she wouldn't have to travel far but she'd be looked after 24/7 & have people her own age to chat with, possibly even meet some old friends in there!!
I think.it is disgraceful of your DHs siblings to be like that!!!

Hi Sunflower 2
I appreciate that I guess I mean that distance in a day. It’s a long old way. Of course they should take their turn, but they don’t live close and that’s the reality. I spent my whole adult life travelling to be with family and not spending Xmas etc at home with the children (we were always in someone else’s as we were the ones that lived away). At some point we stopped it as it wasn’t fair to our own children. It’s a tough one and you do deserve a break from it all.

OP

You dont know what kind of a mother she was to sil and bil, how it may influenced them in their lives

Maybe sil and bil are indeed selfish

Yoir MIL's behaviour is true very unpleasant, manipulative and selfish - that truly plays a huge factor here

Just because they are her AC it does not mean they signed a contract from birth to take care of her when she requested it so

Bottom line: forget about your sil and bil sharing their mother's care of xmas- they have shown you they are not interested and they do not want to do it

You are hurting yourself keeping that alive in your mind

NotSpaghetti: ‘ Sometimes we just feel let down and need to say so.’. That sums it up exactly!

I’m so glad I’m finished with all of this. My dear mil had no money but lots of persuasive power and the times she had commanded her Christmas wishes well let’s just say it was massive. I now don’t care who comes in my family I just smile and nod and enjoy the day the way I want it. Me and hubby could have fish fingers and chips and would be happy now!

Wyllow3

Sunflower if he is poorly nearer c mas time that changes everything. Then you have to say no sorry DH is very ill, much as you's like to, etc etc..

Yes, I agree.

Hithere

Sunflower2

Do you realize that sil and bill dont have to do anything they don'want to do?

If sil doesnt want to waste her Xmas with her mother, she is in her right to do so

They are her children and they knew her before you did - good and bad

Please accept sil and bil have different boundaries regarding their mother than you and your dh have

Crazy thought…….I just thought everyone tried to help each other. Tried to be fair. Support each other. Maybe even WANTED to spend some time with their elderly mother.

Mumofmadboys: That’s sort of what we did two years ago. She still refers to it as having been ‘abandoned’.

NotSpaghetti: ‘ I do know it shouldn't be like this. I would also be spitting feathers on it. You totally have the right to be angry.’

It’s just the sharing, or lack thereof, that angers me.

Sunflower2

Do you realize that sil and bill dont have to do anything they don'want to do?

If sil doesnt want to waste her Xmas with her mother, she is in her right to do so

They are her children and they knew her before you did - good and bad

Please accept sil and bil have different boundaries regarding their mother than you and your dh have

Caleo: No, they really aren’t incompetent. MIL want to have Christmas with us. She always does. However, she also wants a lot of things. We are in our late 60s and simply can’t care for her and fulfil all her other requests. All I want is for SIL and BIL to take a turn. That is all I have ever suggested.

Luluaugust: Believe me, we’ve tried and tried discussing it with SIL to no avail. She has said it would be boring having Christmas with her mother. Go figure!

DillytheGardener: Spot on. Thank you.

NotSpaghetti: Thank you. You are spot on. I don’t begrudge MIL anything. I just want the others to take a turn. That’s all! We ARE on call 24/7. Even the carers call us if they are concerned. We have answered that ‘call’ so many times, for so many things, both major and minor, but each time we don’t know what we’ll find when we get there.

Nanatoone: Travelling 300 miles would not be for a day! Of course SIL would stay for a while.

Speaking as the child who lived away I would have struggled to travel 300 miles and back at Xmas for a day. These days I can’t do even 100 miles. My parent’s care fell to one sibling in particular, despite having others live locally I thank heaven my sister did the lion’s share, she was lovely to our mum and dad and had the necessary caring nature. I don’t really have that and felt like a fish out of water. After such a long journey you feel exhausted too. My husband took on the care of his parents but we lived away from them too. It totally disrupted our family life as he went twice a week (long journey too and fro). I learnt that I could not do that to my kids and have decided that I will take all care that is available to me to prevent my kids being so burdened. I don’t know the answer to this problem unless it’s possible to see mil on the day and then go off to see your family. It’s so hard I know.

Forsythia

She’s 98. Realistically, how many more Christmases has she got? The siblings are unfair but could she not join your family for Christmas?

Just what I thought, poor women.

Sorry to break step, but

1. I plan to be unreasonable when I'm 98.

2. You seem to have conspired somewhat to create this situation. It seems a bit much, to expect her to be adaptable at such a great age.

3. How would you feel if this turned out to be her last Christmas?

Sorry, but that's how I feel, having driven a long way with my own mother's christmas dinner for years, before finally persuading her to move closer.

grannygranby I don't know if you read the title of the thread and Sunflower2's subsequent comments?
It seems to me that maybe you have never lived close by an elderly person who needs your regular attention?
Even if someone else is doing the "getting up" and "toilet" routines you are still on a 24 hour call.
It can be extremely wearing over the years.
The OP is resigned to the situation but has been let down. She gave her husband's siblings a year to sort it out so she could have "time off". She has had a Christmas "off" a few years ago and has never heard the end of it.

If Christmas Day is not for giving your husbands mother company for one day I don’t know what it’s for. She must be desperate to blurt out about inheritance,
- the assumptions you make about the OP and her mother-in-law here is breathtaking. Just because someone else is coming 3 times a day to help the mother in law doesn't mean that the OP's life doesn't revolve around the 98 year old. Neither does talking about inheritance mean that the mother-in-law blurted it out - or was desperate. Plenty of people, young and old are manipulative and determined to have everything their own way.

In the OP's own words:
How can we leave a 98 year old on her own - she obviously can't. Please don't assume the worst of her.

Sometimes we just feel let down and need to say so.

Sounds to me like you’re stuck with it!
How ludicrous is Christmas!

What about Sunflowers feeling and those of her parents who also are not getting any younger, it won’t hurt mil to have just one Christmas Day on her own, her choice to not go into care and expect everything to fall on her son and dil. There seems little thought of mil for others, yes she’s old now but she’s been like it for years.If husband is adamant his mother comes first he can be her company, Sunflower goes to her family. Nothing will change until you change it.

Isn't it sad how many people DON'T want their parents to join them Christmas day. After hearing a brother and sister arguing about not having Mother visiting for Christmas day I vowed, when I had children, I would not put pressure on them to spend Christmas with us. Now they are grown up they thank me for allowing them to make their own memories. This year my son and family are joining us for Christmas but at least it is their choice.

Everyone has had 11 month's notice carry out your plans Your DHneeds to stand up to his mother and siblings His mother needs to be told you will not be blackmailed

Every Christmas there are posts about relatives at Christmas. I can remember when I was a child my mother grumbling because she had to entertain my father’s large family every year and only once did we go to her brothers house.
It is only one day of the year and nowadays has lost its religious meaning.