AIBU to think this friendship has run its course?

‘Should I Just drop her ‘ not a very pleasant comment.
However it is probably best if you do as it seems to me that you will both feel relieved if you just ‘let it go .

Maybe she didn’t like being in a group of three with you and your DH? Perhaps lockdown allowed her to exit gracefully but she didn’t want to break all contact.

Just think of her at Christmas but forget joint holidays. It sounds too one sided.

I lost practically all my new friends when I moved house. It was only 12 miles away and people promised to visit but barely anyone did. I didn't go back to be fair

I had to make new friends PDQ.
I still have a few old friends from way back but no-one to go on holiday with or even to the theatre or a restaurant with now that I'm a widow.

You have to work at friendships and I am too lazy.

Violet Sky wrote:

"To be fair, I'm known for giving people too many chances in life"

That is what Christians and post-Christians are urged to do. See St Paul in Corinthians I (I think). However nobody is JC and we all need to protect our own interests to some extent.

I do sympathise with JaneR's being dissatisfied with "inconsequential chat" ! My guess is the friend has come under the influence of some new people and actually I doubt if that new influence will do her any good and may be harmful for her.

True, but she had moved away. She only told me she was having relationship problems with her partner after she'd left the area. She knew my mother did the same to me, so it made it worse. I feel her lack of communication was the problem, but didnt feel I could hold her to ransom over it seeing it wasnt personal (she'd been falling out with friends and distancing since before covid)

She had gotten involved with the JW's as well, which I don't think was helping. I think they wanted her to cut ties with "outsiders". I was the friend that stood with her the longest, but it meant nothing to her in the end.

To be fair, I'm known for giving people too many chances in life

But after a 30 year friendship, this seems a bit of a drastic change

Violet Sky 's response (which I agree with) is like "you don't know what is going on with your friend and if you knew what is going on with her you would not feel offended"

Sometimes people go through things and they can't even recognise it themselves. Depression can lead to behaviour changes as one example.

I'd be straight with her, tell her what hurt you and why. Tell her that you value her and want to put this behind you so it doesn't impact things in future.

A real friendship can survive this but you have to be strong, patient and kind because sometimes people's short term reaction isn't the same as the long term reaction

LRavenscroft do you feel you could say this to a friend that talked too much?

People do change.

My friend's personality changed after she started a new medication and she cut off from all her friends as a result. I was one of the last to go.

No offense to anyone on here but I have a friend who never stops talking. I used to find it charming and colourful but as I am getting older I just find I don't have the capacity to listen to her anymore. She is a lovely person with a heart of gold but I've just had enough and turned into a miserable old woman. People change and sometimes they can't help it. Whereas she has become more sociable I have become more reclusive and there is no longer middle ground.

Thirty years of friendship is too much to abandon. Give her the benefit of the doubt until one of you dies.

I had a friendship with a neighbour for 20 years who I used to be really good friends with, we used to have coffee and lots to chat about. But, during covid she stopped communicating , split with her partner, moved away without telling me and only told me afterwards.

I was pretty hurt that she'd not asked for help as I would have given it- and also felt like she wanted to cut ties in a polite way as she would go for two months without communicating and then apologize. This went on for a year and didn't improve. The apology was not convincing because we talk to who we want to talk to, every day- and because we had once talked every day. I felt she didn't want to talk to me and was just being fake so she wasn't the bad guy. Life's too short for fake friends.

I'd cut her some slack and show some sympathy - as we've been through some challenging times with the pandemic - and still are. Applying the usual 'normal' logic or rules just doesn't fit. You don't know what she's been through and she doesn't want to tell you - yet.

I’d say something was going on in her life that she doesn’t want to share. She must still like you or she wouldn’t have sent flowers. It is hard but a fact of life that friends are not family and I don’t think you can ever be that close with them like you can be with a blood relative. That’s what I have experienced anyway. Just play it cool,maybe just keep up a loose friendship that is mutually beneficial.

I think if anyone reads seadragons post they ll see clearly what could be
seadragon that’s an awful catalogue I thought my last few years had been a bit difficult but that’s been an awful catalogue I do hope things improve for you and your family in 2023 ❤️

I wouldn’t personally give up at this stage as it sounds out of character with what you ve said about the friendship in the past so maybe something has knocked her off kilter

You say she deflected when you asked if everything was ok which makes it sound as if everything isn’t ok perhaps the holiday with the relative was for a reason there is all sort of ifs

Perhaps you need to be more honest and tell her you feel hurt and sidelined instead of all these hints and hurt, 30 years is a long time to walk out on unless you are sure of a reason

Agree, Wyllow. Personally I can't summon up the energy to be polite and keep in contact with people.
Only those really close.

So sorry Washerwoman yes the end of a friendship is painful. I lost a few after covid. It seems like everyone changed. I suppose it's impossible to go through hard things and stay the same. Maybe if those people lost touch in that time, they were in touch with other people who they feel closer to.

I felt particularly disappointed with a friend who just stopped replying to messages and never said why. I just felt frozen out. Another friend split with her partner and only told me after she had moved away. She had gotten less communicative in messages too and it dwindled to nothing.

I think Covid damaged a lot of people's mental health, so they shut off more.

I don’t think this lady would have sent you an expensive Christmas gift and flowers if she no longer saw you as a good friend, would she? I agree with sodapop - it’s odd behaviour from her and you need to investigate (gently) what’s been going on to bring it about. Don’t just give up on her. The past 3 years have been a life-changer for many people, as others have said, and there is a saying that might fit here - circumstances alter cases.

I hope you and your family have better times ahead, seadragon.

I'd do what was suggested above, wait to see if she contacts you, since you contacted her last.

Its possible things have been happening her life which she doesn't want to reveal but have messed up her being able to maintain what she used to - or wanting to maintain what she used to. We don't know if she is ashamed or indifferent.

but emotionally, I'd work on accepting she isn't in your life and try not to ruminate on "why" too much, tho its hard.

This happened to me after 12 years of friendship that developed with someone who initially was a regular customer of my business.I've not heard from her in 2 years now.We last spoke on the first lockdown and it was me who reached out.Previous to that her behaviour had become increasingly odd and I knew she had major issues around losing her parents and reconciling herself to never having had children.So for a long time tried to keep in touch and be supportive. You can only do so much though.And DH eventually felt we'd been used somewhat as for years she accepted our hospitality in our home yet never reciprocated.Plus I gave her ' mates rates ' from my business.So it fies make me feel I was only useful for so long.I understand how you feel though Jane.The end of a friendship can be very painful especially if it leaves unexplained questions as to why.

So sorry. Covid seems to have knocked many friendships on the head. It happened to me as well.

It depends if you feel you can talk to her further or want to talk about it. She might be a fairweather friend? Maybe DH's health problems put her off and if so, I would drop her.

Although no-one died we have, like so many others, had a terrible 3+ years. Both our AC's live in the South of England and were seriously ill. One had to go private to get a diagnosis and treatment of thyroid deficiency despite having worked for the NHS herself for over 20 years and had symptoms for 8 of those . The other was so seriously ill and could get no effective treatment for a serious family illness had to leave job, house and teenage son to move back to Scotland to get effective treatment and support. My sister and her husband, a senior front-line NHS medic had to return to work from retirement to set up the Covid response, had Covid several times this year and then DH was seriously ill with it. The teenage DGS attempted suicide twice having found himself with no qualifications because his parents and stepfather were all seriously ill necessitating a school move during his GCSE,s and then a move to Scotland. All this has been going on since mid 2019 and these are just the edited highlights the actual experiences have been truly horrific. I have been overwhelmed with worry and become a recluse trying to cope with it all. I have not wanted to trouble my many close friends with it all as they may well have their own problems. Things seem to be improving a bit for my family now apart from the threat of war, the cost of living crisis and Climate Change..... I would be devastated if I was dispensed with by friends I've not been able to see. as a result of not being able to be as sociable as I had been previously.... Some know some of it but none know all of it just as I am probably in the dark about any difficulties they may have had... I think we all need to be kind to each other in these troubled times....

1 vote for M0nica

She sounds flaky to me. Why not just let her sail on by and see if she ever contacts you again? Like that you don't have to do any work, focus on your own life, and let her behaviour decide.

I wouldn't contact her again but wait and see if she gets in touch Jane. It is upsetting to feel as if you've lost a friend you've had for so long .