Feeling frustrated with my husband

Thanks so much Pascal.
I think what I was trying to say that the time wan't very long - only a couple of years really and interspersed with hospital appointments and all that. We had over 50 wonderful years together.

Grammaretto

My DH began going to lunch with his parents regularly every Wednesday about 5 years ago. It began as just a visit to see how they were. I sometimes went too but it was obvious they wanted him on his own
He cooked them a meaty meal - I'm a vegetarian so for them difficult and I never begrudged that time he had with them.
Sadly in 2020 first DH died of cancer swiftly followed by his dad who succumbed to covid.

I still see his DM and we console eachother.
Her other DC look after her now.

As we get older our needs change, sometimes dramatically. I know that his DP appreciated the special time they spent together.

Please don't begrudge your DH time alone with his DM.

I'm so sorry to hear that Grammaretto, you sound such a lovely caring person. You have a very lucky DM

I don't think he's taking his mother's side. It's difficult for him, because he loves both you and his mum.
You can't make someone like you, and would you want to spend time with her? Your daughter told her what she thinks.

I would leave it at that and enjoy the evening alone.

My DH began going to lunch with his parents regularly every Wednesday about 5 years ago. It began as just a visit to see how they were. I sometimes went too but it was obvious they wanted him on his own
He cooked them a meaty meal - I'm a vegetarian so for them difficult and I never begrudged that time he had with them.
Sadly in 2020 first DH died of cancer swiftly followed by his dad who succumbed to covid.

I still see his DM and we console eachother.
Her other DC look after her now.

As we get older our needs change, sometimes dramatically. I know that his DP appreciated the special time they spent together.

Please don't begrudge your DH time alone with his DM.

You say that you don't know why they have fallen out with you and then that it started when your daughter called them out, I would assume that is why they have fallen out with you.

You cannot control another adult so if your husband wants to spend time with his mother then it is up to him, whether he agrees with you or not.

I think you have been very supportive of your MIL by suggesting that your OH stays over.. and that you are very hurt by her behaviour towards you.. after all these years it must be very painful for you.. But it does seem like you have a lovely caring OH who is trying his best to please both sides of the family.. I would cherish him and treat yourself one that one night and not think that he is being disloyal to you. It will not last forever and you will still have a loving partner, he will not forget your kindness.

Good post, franbern.

Your post seems excessively anxious to me. I think YABU, frufru. If you've been married for 36 years you should know your husband well enough to understand why he wants to spend one night a week at his mum's. His answer to your complaints that "it's his mum" is his way of politely telling you to calm down and accept that he wants to spend time with her.

It isn't a competition between you, your daughter and his mum. He loves you all and doesn't want any part in whatever caused his mum's attitude to you. That isn't his responsibility.

It's not as if he's staying over with another lover but your post suggests to me that you are jealous.

At least if he visits his mum alone you don’t have to go! Ignore the fact they don’t like you. Try not to think about them. Enjoy the time on your own as others have said.

I think it is lovely that an Adult son actually has aweekly viit and stay over with his elderly Mum. Sounds a lovely man.

you have him all the other six days and nights, why begrudge his Mum having his company the other day and night. After all, she has known him a lot longer than you have.

How dreadful to load on him that this is some sort of competion as to his loyalties. Surely, he has the absolute right to wish to keep happy relationships with his Mum and sister as well as at his home.

We hear far too many people on these threads complaining that their Adult children do not keep in touch. Yet, when one does (this man), we find his wife moaning.

So, he has not 'confronted' his Mum and Sister about non-attendance at a wedding. Such 'confrontation' would do no good, but could lead to arguements, enstrangement and lots of sadness - what on earth would be the point of that?

Perhaps the OP could spend sometime, trying to approach her Mother-in-Law to mend fences and re-build a good relationship.

I can only have praise for her lovely hubbie.

Your husband is taking the easy way out and so by avoiding conflict with his family is causing problems in your marriage. It shows lack of respect for your feelings. Unfortunately he has a foot in both camps but should really back you and your family. It’s probably too late for him to change his behaviour.

Maybe he should go and stay with her for 7 days a week, given his lack of appreciation of you.

In my experience men avoid conflict no matter what the price! I don’t think they have the ability to deal with it so avoid it at all costs. I’ve seen that happen many times and to many of my friends. They do not realise they are just adding to problems but I think it’s bury your head in sand syndrome. Not all men but it is a common feature of many of them I’ve found.

I did think of that too, but it's all about context, isn't it? If Frufru felt part of a loving family then it might feel different?

It sounds as if DH is taking what to him seems the easy way out as regards his family, avoiding conflict generally as its not just about his mum.

We don't know what Mum is like, but not coming to the wedding is a pretty strong indication.

Perhaps Frufru feels his mum says what she wants about her and the family generally and DH doesn't stick up for her with his mum either. Frufru you have to tell him how much it hurts.

Sounds a bit weird Frufru but I would look on it as a night on my own, nice easy meal from M&S or a good takeaway, feet up in front of tv and complete control of the remote.

I don't know about the staying over, Frufru because it depends on how frail and elderly she is, how in need of it she really is, and whether it has to be weekly as opposed to say monthly, which might be more palatable...

But I would except my husband to back me up and I would feel as hurt as you by him not doing that.