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Convincing my Dd she's not unreasonable

(19 Posts)
Narnia Thu 16-Feb-23 19:09:09

Trying to convince my dd that she's not being unreasonable!
Her relationship with her partners family has never been great, but civil mostly.
Since they had children the in laws plus aunty look after the eldest one day a week.
Never do as asked regarding eating, sleeping or behaviour management. Have been caught out lying a few times about their care of the child.
Latest issue is the aunty openly admitting that she showed the 2yr old child her boobs, at least twice that we know of.
Not in a changing room situation, but at home for no reason. Plus she's said a few odd and inappropriate things.
She lives at home, 30yrs old, no job, friends etc. No she's not got any special needs etc just to clarify
So if the child goes to the grandparents she's there too
So my dd and partner stopped the visits there, unless the are there too.
Recently they completely spoiled his bd, caused a huge row in front of him. Shouting mostly at my dd that she's stopping them seeing him (she's not, just not on their own)
Now she's feeling guilty as they stormed off telling the child they will see him when his parents allow. No contact since, except sly messages on social media aimed at dd.
She's contemplating getting in touch.
I've said leave them to sort themselves out and come to them as the parents. If she backs down I feel her life will be made even worse by the in laws.
We are very close, I care for the child when she's in work, more days than them, but have done since he was born.
I hate how they have treated her over the years and this is just the straw that broke the back. I've kept silent, never contacted them even tho I've been desperate to.
I agree he needs to see his grandparents but they constantly overstep boundaries and are downright wrong in some circumstances.
I don't think it's unreasonable to be concerned about the behaviour and then to shout and belittle my dd and their own son in their home, especially on a special day

I completely get that child should see grandparents but I'm not sure what the answer is here.

ginny Thu 16-Feb-23 19:17:20

Firstly, where is the child’s father. Is he supporting your daughter or taking the easy way out by ignoring bit ?

VioletSky Thu 16-Feb-23 19:25:11

It sounds like mum and dad have done the right thing here honestly.

If auntie has said and done inappropriate things, they should be protecting their grandchild too and they haven't.

They have been asked to respect the parents wishes in child raising and they have ignored it and done their own thing.

Despite being offered regular visits they have thrown an adult tantrum because its not on their terms. That is solely their choice. They won't respect the parent boundaries.

These are not healthy people to be around a child unless they change. Good for your daughter standing up to them.

I'd advise her to ignore them, but keep a record of any messages or Facebook posts in case they begin any sort of other harassment and she needs protection legally.

Fleur20 Thu 16-Feb-23 19:26:33

Actually the child does not NEED to see the grandparents... that is completely the choice of his parents. If they are not happy with the relationship or behaviour they have every right to step away.
Keep well out of it... your intervention will only cause even more problems.
The parents need to be absolutely united in this... but Dad needs to step up and emphasise that fact.

Palmtree Thu 16-Feb-23 19:32:08

Sounds like the parents are being sensible and child protected by their rules. Safety of the child more important than anything else.

lyleLyle Thu 16-Feb-23 19:34:57

I have a friend in a similar dilemma. She has a daughter who has monster in laws. The MIL is one of those boundary stomping, women-hating mother of only sons who thinks her darling boy was stolen away by the DIL. My advice to her is the same to you: keep out of it. You are her mother so of course you support her by listening and being there but do not actively intervene. Her partner needs to be the one to lead the charge here. No matter how wrong her in laws are, your direct involvement will only lead to a family feud. I wouldn’t say anything further than “ speak to your partner and do what you feel is best for your child”. Let her know you have her back.

Madgran77 Thu 16-Feb-23 19:46:44

They don't sound like healthy people to be around. A child does not NEED to see grandparents who behave in this way. But what is her partner, their son, doing. This is a shared problem for them as a partnership. You can support them in their decisions, but let them make the decisions flowers

Wyllow3 Thu 16-Feb-23 19:47:35


Its very upsetting, but your DD and partner have already made sensible decisions, and you see your grandchild, its not up to you to make a move.

Are there some issues going on with DD's partner fully backing the decision that cause you concern? Are his family putting pressure on him that gives rise to concern?

62Granny Thu 16-Feb-23 20:12:49

Would she feel guilty if it was an uncle and he had flashed his manhood at the child? I don't think so. Child abuse comes in many forms and this is definitely a form of child abuse, if this is something the grandparents feel is normal or acceptable I would withdraw all contact.

Hithere Thu 16-Feb-23 20:13:44

So auntie is sexually grooming the child and her parents seem to be ok with her behavior

Your daughter needs to read "the gift of fear" and run to therapy if she wants to get back in touch with them and enable them to sexually abuse her child

Children do not need grandparents- that could be why your daughter is misled in her actions

If you have first hand proof of the allegations, call social services to protect your gc

This is cut off - the bd incident is nothing compared to what auntie may have done and is not willing to say yet

Narnia Thu 16-Feb-23 21:31:17

We have discussed this as she has a brother. 100% from all sides this would not be tolerated

Narnia Thu 16-Feb-23 21:34:20


Firstly, where is the child’s father. Is he supporting your daughter or taking the easy way out by ignoring bit ?

Yes, he's supportive this time
In the past he hasn't been.
He's happy to just leave the situation lie at the moment as his family are in the wrong

Chardy Fri 17-Feb-23 08:33:09

Having left my young child with other people and having had my baby (then toddler) DGD left with me, the first rule has to be their physical and mental safety.

Narnia Fri 17-Feb-23 08:49:52

Her issue is that she feels guilty. The child is asking about the grandma and auntie, just in passing type comments. He's not of an age to understand the issue.
She feels bad for him. However can't see a way forward that will suit all parties
nb, this has been very recent so still very raw.

Shelflife Fri 17-Feb-23 11:09:34

Your DD is absolute correct in keeping her child away from auntie! She must not ever feel guilty. Auntie showing her boobs to this child is totally inappropriate and inyour DD s position I would see this as a red flag!!
As you say this was not something that happened in the swimming pool changing rooms!! Auntie also coming out with odd and inappropriate comments - wow 😲 ! Your daughter is clearly suspicious and is acting on her instinct, she should be applauded for that. The child will not see the whole picture and may not understand why he doesn't see this woman any more, he will get over that. Your daughters priority is to follow her instincts and protect her child. I am sure you will support her in this decision.

Madgran77 Fri 17-Feb-23 12:31:11

He's happy to just leave the situation lie at the moment as his family are in the wrong

This is more than just in the wrong. Deliberately showing her breasts to a young child is not "in the wrong", it's wierd, suspicious, a big red flag and is the headline main issue. Her parents being unable to see the problem with her, and just focusing on year own "needs" is also a red flag!! Support your daughter with her anxiety about this, help her accept her child's questions without feeling guilty [ flowers]

Madgran77 Fri 17-Feb-23 12:32:03

"...their own needs"

Blossoming Fri 17-Feb-23 12:46:40

I wouldn’t allow the creepy Aunty anywhere near a child!

Norah Fri 17-Feb-23 14:14:46

Children don't need GP or other relatives in their lives. Abusive extra people are not at all necessary to children becoming happy adults. Support your daughter in cutting these horrid people from GC life.