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Sister troubles

(21 Posts)
Rosemarysage Thu 23-Mar-23 12:32:43

I’ll try to keep this short.
Firstly I am v lucky I have a nice husband adult fully functional children and ok financially and as far as I know health wise.
I have one sister slightly younger than me.
She has always been considered the pretty and appealing sister . I am not exactly a looker and never was.
She has had a very successful career and is very well off big house etc.
Her relationships have not been so successful but she does have two adult children. One is very functional the other is extremely difficult to cope with. Very disorganised always a drama, multiple terrible boyfriends who she quickly moves in.
My sister met a man about 5 years ago very on off to begin with as she said he was dull and a lot older than her. But one way or another he has managed to insert himself into her life. Mainly because he really acts like a housekeeper gardener . He has his own children from a divorce when they were young but now they are adults and have their own children.
We used to see my sister all the time we looked after her kids while she travelled extensively for work. We moved house to support her. I would speak to her or see her every day.
Gradually this has all stopped . I no longer feel welcome in her house . We are only ever invited if his family and grandchildren are invited first , even this has stopped now and I have not been in her house since September last year.
We have made. Multiple attempts to remain close inviting them to things arranging trips away etc. Now I realise that we have been very thick skinned and this man actually intensely dislikes me and my husband.
That is OK I really do not like him either and he has done some mean things which I will not detail here.
Now we have a sad scenario at my house and my sister has texted to ask if she can come round. I really wanted to say no but my husband has insisted that I rise above the whole feeling pushed aside and allow her to visit.
Am I being unreasonable to think that she should have some insight into how hurtful I am finding all this?
When I have tried to talk to her about it she just says things change and move on and it seems that all she is interested in his children grandchildren and the one wild child.
I need to learn to count my blessings and stop thinking about 5hem but it’s honestly all I think about even during the night.
How do I get over this or am I being unreasonable in expecting the same kind of relationship we had before?

sodapop Thu 23-Mar-23 12:46:21

I think your husband is right to some extent Rosemarysage you need to meet with your sister and have an honest conversation with her about your relationship. I would think things will not go back to how they were but hopefully you will both find a way of accommodating each other.

Wyllow3 Thu 23-Mar-23 13:03:11

Rosemarysage he may have turned out to be an abusive husband. That could explain why she has been "difficult" for some time. I'm just getting these vibes about it because you have dropped hints about his mean ness etc. One thing an emotional abuser will do its isolate his wife from her family, paint them in a bad light etc etc to keep control..

Your feelings are not unreasonable but it may be a good idea to find out what situation she is in.

However, if it turns out he is abusive her support needs are going to be very great. You may have to set boundaries....

..becuase she is not necessarily as "emotionally aware" as you and not able to consider other's feelings as well as you - especially if its a crisis.

Lizbethann55 Thu 23-Mar-23 13:03:30

It sounds as if your sister may have been the victim of nasty coercive control. She may not even have been aware that it was happening if it has been a gradual process. I think you should welcome her back with open arms and a gentleness she may well need. If she does realise what has been happening she will need somewhere safe and someone loving to escape to.

Lizbethann55 Thu 23-Mar-23 13:04:30

Ps. I hope the sad scenario you mention is not too dreadful and can have a happy conclusion.

Rosemarysage Thu 23-Mar-23 13:19:40

hmm i don’t think she would be controlled as she often posts lots of pics with her out with friends but they may be non threatening friends.
She actually talks about him as if he’s some kind of god rather than a fat bald old man

Norah Thu 23-Mar-23 13:35:46

How do I get over this or am I being unreasonable in expecting the same kind of relationship we had before?

Likely unreasonable. People move along and grow up, life and priorities change. You, too, have changed and moved along.

She actually talks about him as if he’s some kind of god rather than a fat bald old man

Of course she does, he's her husband. "Fat old man" is not nice at all. Perhaps she knows how you feel about her husband?

Rosemarysage Thu 23-Mar-23 13:45:24

yes i’m sure you are right she must know i dislike him.
are you her?

Hetty58 Thu 23-Mar-23 13:53:23


'am I being unreasonable in expecting the same kind of relationship we had before?'

Well - yes YABU - relationships change over time and it almost sounds like you expect some payback for all those past deeds. Her life has changed and she now has other family members that she sees more often. Get over it but keep in touch.

I had a close friend for nearly 40 years and we saw each other often, about twice a week, and phoned every day.

She divorced her husband (I didn't like him, though) and my husband died (she really did get along well with him). Our children grew up and left home, of course.

We both changed, had careers, new friends and partners - and new interests. I moved further away and our friendship just faded and died. We're people with new identities and nothing in common now.

Shelflife Thu 23-Mar-23 14:09:05

If your sister has asked to see you I think you should give her a positive response. There is no telling, she may have decided she needs to confide in you. Her relationship may not healthy! Whatever the reason she has reached out to you. In your situation I would not allow the dislike of my sisters partner to damage my sibling relationship. Try and be there for her.

Rosemarysage Thu 23-Mar-23 16:38:39

thankyou for all your different points of view. Certainly things to think about
I don’t think i have really accepted that she has moved on and i think i have been quite reliant on her for company.
i’m not really good at making friends.
No she won’t be coming here to confide she’s coming so she can play a part in the sad occasion as she likes a lot of attention and will present herself as being caring.

Germanshepherdsmum Thu 23-Mar-23 16:43:30

Blood is thicker than water as they say.

Theexwife Thu 23-Mar-23 16:47:53

In your posts, you have been critical of her partner, one of her children and of her so I am finding it hard to understand why you want a relationship with her. If she has picked up on your negativity I can see why the relationship between you has deteriorated.

choughdancer Thu 23-Mar-23 16:50:45

No she won’t be coming here to confide she’s coming so she can play a part in the sad occasion as she likes a lot of attention and will present herself as being caring.

What makes you think this Rosemarysage?

welbeck Thu 23-Mar-23 16:52:48

you sound as if you look down on your sister and as if she should be grateful to you for associating with her.
perhaps her husband has pointed this out, and said why bother with that.
but now she wants to come, why not draw a line under your negative view of her, and just be neutral, pleasant and open as you would be to anyone else.
life is brief, and family of origin family members are few, so make the most of things.
your husband gives good advice.

CanadianGran Thu 23-Mar-23 17:19:24

I would accept her visit with as much grace as you can. Like Welbeck said, life is brief, make the most of having your family while they are here. Whatever the sad situation is, your sister is feeling the same feelings that you are, and she is coming to family for support.

Sometimes when there is one family member more outgoing the other siblings can get a bit of lower self esteem while growing up, and unfortunately carry it into adulthood. Perhaps you need to reassess your view of your sister, reassess your self to see the happy and successful person you are.

Rosemarysage Fri 24-Mar-23 15:47:50

thank-you all fir your time lots of food for thought here.
Yes I can be very grumpy and passive aggressive. so I need to work on that might be a bit late now.
i’ve also realised from what one of you wise women said that the main issue is that her partner really dislikes my husband and me.
I know i’ve been very blind to this but it does shed a whole new light on things.
And I suppose as someone said she has to put him first .
Anyway i’m going to consider how best to deal with this going forward and bear that strongly in mind

Joyfulnanna Fri 24-Mar-23 19:29:31

She's your sister, of course you're upset at this change in her circumstances where she has effectively ostracised you. It hurts but you can forgive her, she will really appreciate that and you must make it a happy and relaxed visit. Good luck

Plumblady Sun 26-Mar-23 08:23:22

It sounds like you have been a very supportive sister, almost the "wind beneath her wings" over the years. You also refer to her attractive looks as compared to your own, as if she were the princess.....
You even moved your own family to support her.
Perhaps you now feel some deep seated resentment towards her because she hasn't fully appreciated your own sacrifices for her?
Maybe it's time for you to put yourself first a bit more? In your husband's eyes, you are obviously the princess!
Maybe find a new interest and make some new friends?
She will always be your beloved sister but she does not have to be the main focus of your life.
Good luck, and I hope happier times are to come x x

TillyTrotter Sun 26-Mar-23 08:37:52

I agree with your balanced post Plumblady.
If you love your sister, open your doors and your arms wide to her. Good Luck 🌻

Katie59 Sun 26-Mar-23 09:29:41

Things change and move, on your sister obviously values her new man, it obviously does not fit in with your values and lifestyle, it’s their life you can only accept that.

Keep in touch but don’t push get togethers, concentrate on your life let them live theirs.