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(14 Posts)
Nanatuesday2 Fri 24-Mar-23 08:54:44

Is anyone else fed up with always being the one contacting a friend ?
It may seem unkind in the circumstances once I explain but is it unreasonable of me to feel this way ?
Friend 1 We have known each other for 30 plus years used to be neighbours ,saw each other through divorces/relationships 2nd marriages etc etc know mostly everything there is to know about each other - Bad health ,life changing surgery has meant that this friend is going through a tough time . This has been over the last 2 years & i have been nothing but understanding & kind .Giving her space & time to recover -visiting only when she has said it is fine ,sending cards, flowers & little gifts to cheer her & inviting both her & her DH over to our home .
sh seems to of dropped off the radar . Though her normal form of contact (like a lot of people now a days sadly) is messenger ,not even texting or whattsapp . She never picks up. the phone & often cancels arrangements which was often the case before any health issues ,so I am used to that ,its just her way .
Friend 2
We have also known each other for a long time 20 plus years having a friend ship in a work place & remained so . Sadly her DH passed away during lockdown in you can only imagine this was an awful time for her & we remained in contact throughout . I invited her to come & volunteer at my place of work in a Charity to help her ,which she did . But here is the thing despite being in contact it is always me who is doing the inviting ,=Theatre ,Dinner ,Cinema . yes she unlike Friend 1, friend 2 does take up the offers but it is always on my invitation .
I retired last year albeit it was a pt role & am keen to keep up my friendships & although I have other friends these two especially friend 1 are perturbing . I guess I am just getting this off my chest .Thanks for listening .
I guess also just turning 70 has made me aware of this fact more so & these two friends also deemed it ok to just send texts as way of a birthday message , yes I know that sounds like I am being mean but really is that what it has come to now ??? 2 other friends also only sent texts one being late like friend 2 . Do I expect too much as I always send cards & yes I realise postage costs a lot but really !!!!!

Humbertbear Fri 24-Mar-23 09:11:30

One of my qualities that friends value - they have told me - is that I am the one who initiates contact and sets up meetings. Maybe your friends value this in you too.
As regards texts, it’s time to go with the flow. Carry on sending cards if you want but you have to accept that texts are quick and convenient and the modern way. Why is it so different to sending a card?

Baggs Fri 24-Mar-23 09:21:12

Perhaps they are dealing with other life issues and don't want to talk/meet because these other things are a bit overwhelming?

Theexwife Fri 24-Mar-23 09:25:44

Maybe for them, the friendship has run its course. It is sad for you however you cannot make someone want to spend time with you.

Stop making arrangements or making the first contact and if they drift away then you will know their position.

Kate1949 Fri 24-Mar-23 09:44:38

I'm an odd bod. I've never understood the need for friends as an adult. I have acquired some over the years but it's usually them who contact me. It sounds awful but it wouldn't bother me if they didn't. Maybe it's because I have sisters.

Juliet27 Fri 24-Mar-23 09:50:46

Or maybe Kate it’s because you’re a bit of an introvert like me and we’re fairly happy just in our company at times.

Kate1949 Fri 24-Mar-23 09:52:14

Yes Juliet I certainly am. I find mixing quite difficult.

Wyllow3 Fri 24-Mar-23 09:52:36

this famous "anon" poem is something that I have found helpful:

Reason, Season, Lifetime Poem

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

I'd keep up low contact to see what happens, and seek new situations, new friends: for it seems to me that both your friends have had life changing times and we cannot know - they may not know - what has changed.

Kim19 Fri 24-Mar-23 11:43:23

Get over them. They seem to be over you. Sad but usually true.

Nanatuesday2 Fri 24-Mar-23 12:55:44

I certainly would not say "I need friends " I can count on one hand my true/good friends & in this scenario Friend 1 was a true friend .Interestingly & by strange coincidence this friend contacted me last night .I did not see the message on messenger until this morning.
I have never surrounded myself with a plethora of friends & can maintain friendships over the years ,having two particular friends that I met aged 11 & 13 .

Nanatuesday2 Fri 24-Mar-23 12:57:47


Harsh 🥲

IrishDancing Fri 24-Mar-23 13:46:07

I supported a friend with constant messaging when her husband was dying and she told mutual friends how grateful she was etc. I was not invited to the funeral and she has only contacted me very occasionally ever since. When I had long covid she simply ignored the fact. I have accepted that this is how she is but I’ll wait for her to contact me. Like others on here I’m happy to have a few very supportive friends but equally happy to let go some others. You’re not alone Nantuesday2 so I hope you can come to terms with this and be content. flowers

LRavenscroft Fri 24-Mar-23 14:03:30

Under no circumstances is this directed at the OP but in my circumstances the following happened:

Friend 1 - Expected me to fall in with her diary and tried to fix me by being over kind and not respecting my opinions.
Friend 2 - Talks about herself and her outings all the time. If I mention what I am doing she changes the subject.
Friend 3 - Has become incredibly religious in an evangelical group and not a sentence is uttered without her mentioning her faith, which I respect, but do not want it suggested that I should gain strength from her beliefs.

So, before they were all fine and fun and empathic but on reaching late 60s/early 70s they have all become self obsessed and are no longer a pleasure to spend time with. Also, I have hobbies and groups which I enjoy and if any of these friends contact me, an internal groan rises. Times change, things change, people change.

Nanatuesday2 Sun 26-Mar-23 16:56:48

L.Ravenscroft 😌
Thank You for that ,Yes I have found this exact thing happening with Friend 1 though tbh she has always done this. It used to be her DDS OR DDS then changed to GC whereby she constantly boasts about them . As a good friend I just chose to ignore it as I knew thats her way .