Sometimes it is more painful to see people and be treated like this than to be at a distance, when it is not in your face all the time.
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AIBU
Perhaps I expect too much?
(65 Posts)Just wanted to gauge opinion. Had a recent visit from husband's family over Easter - two nights/3 days. Son from husband's first marriage of two years, short-lived in late 1970's DIL and 2 teenage GC. We don't see them very often due to distance and lack of enthusiasm on our part, although we did have visits before the pandemic but after that rather let visits lapse. I've always felt guilty about this and its because I don't really feel anything, and don't feel any closeness with DIL who is quite cold. SIL is a bit more forthcoming. My husband feels the same as me. It's difficult because my husband didn't have a lot of contact with son since the divorce 45 years ago now, and his son made contact when he got married. Since then we have always sent gifts of cash, not huge amounts at Christmas and birthdays, but what we could afford, and contributed to savings accounts but never once have we received a thank you note, phone call, or even a text or email from parents or GC. They send us a joint gift at Christmas and cards on birthdays. We travelled down once to do a week's childcare (caravan) when GC were smaller, when we were both working full time, and we weren't once invited to their home, have never even been there. Anyway... I did a lot of cooking and hospitality for this visit, bought wine and other things. I thought they might have bought some flowers, wine or chocolates but they arrived with nothing. We were also expected to have arranged outings etc. We are retired and live on our pensions, a lot less income and this time I held my tongue as they like to go out and have drinks, cakes, chocolate snacks morning and afternoon, and previously I used to say "We'll get these" each time, but now it adds up to £30+ each time and then the GC won't eat lunch or dinner. I also had to do separate meals as one GC is very picky, well TBH both of them are! Oddly, they don't like vegetables and salad etc but do like sweets, chocolate, puddings and cake! I bought Easter eggs but no thanks for those either. Also, one has to sleep in the living room as they refuse to share a room which is quite inconvenient. I suppose the final straw was when the parents went to our local shop and purchased some alcoholic drinks which were drunk and rest put in the fridge. After they had left I saw that they had taken them with them! I feel guilty because the GC have some MH issues, but I really don't feel like doing this again and next time they suggest a visit want to say yes, but we can't put you up but welcome to come for meals. I would have to come up with a reason. When they visit the other side of the family, husband's ex, they rent somewhere, but because we have a 3 bedroom house I guess they expect us to offer full hospitality. A bit of a long post, it's my first one on this forum! So, in conclusion AIBU??
Life really is too short for all of this - just give it a miss (say you`re unwell) and get on and enjoy yourselves!
If you want to have another go at keeping in touch , perhaps meeting in a different way. When my husband was in poor health and I was doing all the driving etc etc., my son and family planned a trip to the Lake district for their holiday. That was nearer to where we lived than their home and so we went bed and breakfast for 3 days over there, and were able to meet up with the family, without anyone being responsible for all the catering etc. It worked very well. We were able to meet up and have a good time together but again , particularly when my husband was feeling weary we could go off and spend some quiet time. We do get on well together anyway, so I dont know if that would be a possibility for you. Being away from your own home could feel like a neutral area and you wouldnt feel obliged to do a great deal but share some time or an activity that you enjoy together. It might give you chance to separate out the hospitality part from the feeling part and maybe enjoy something together. If it works you can build on that and have that to talk about. If things dont improve at all you have tried your best and may accept that it just isnt going to work, which is a shame but will ensure that such a time as you have had is not repeated. The most charitable view of their last visit is perhaps that they do not realize that you are now older and it is more effort. I have always been a reasonable cook and done many meals for family and friends, but now with various physical problems I would not like to do a full roast etc for 5 or 6 people . I could do a casserole and jacket potatoes as they could be prepared in advance and would be happy sitting there if people were late. Not that I have gone off my family or friends but just have to accept it is too much for me these days. Friends of similar ages understand and I simply explained how I am these days to the family. I do hope that you work out what might be the best to do for the future. In particular I think it is important for you and your husband to decide what you hope for. In this situation it would be sad if you are doing what you think he wants you to do, and he is doing the same and neither of you are actually let each other know how you feel about things. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do.
Ungrateful entitled gits, my diary would be full for the foreseeable future
why did you not encourage your husband to have a relationship with his son 45 years ago? was there a reason for this? did he not want a relationship with him?
I come from a blended family and they aren't always easy but it is positive you have all managed to develop a relationship so I think as others have suggested, maybe y=just talk to them about it all. If others want to holiday in your house, the general rule is they respect your routine and you cook at your normal times and if they want to contribute you cook for them too, if they want to 'holiday' they fund that themselves
Teens eating crap and sweets over Easter isn;t a big deal
You’re definitely not being unreasonable! Just say no to them staying at yours in future. How ungrateful!
Cut these ‘toxic’ people out of your lives . They’re not needed . But I was amused by Debbi58 reaction saying that families don’t sit around tables for meals anymore. My lot come for Easter and Xmas and lots of Sundays in between! Sit at table or you don’t eat ….and mobiles are gathered up and put in box under coffee table….AFTER being turned off!! And I speak as a person who loves her mobile. Nans house…nans cooking….nans rules! OK!
I think if your husband had little contact when his son was growing up he would want to 'make up' for lost time . I would think its really difficult on both sides to build this relationship but feeling aggrieved isn't going to help things.
To me it sounds as if neither you, your husband, or his adult children really want to keep up the relationship, so why don't you just let it go?
We are unfortunately not all able to get on well with our relations by blood or by marriage.
If you decide to invite them again, you are fully justified in telling them that they are welcome, but as you are now both retired and living on your pensions, you will have to ask them to pay themselves for eating out, trips etc. but that you will be happy to still provide food in your home.
As like as not saying this will lead to them making excuses not to come.
OP and Primrose 53, i see this kind of thing all the time.
what i notice is that it is not the ACs who are genuinely struggling who behave like this. but a type of person who goes through life taking.
you don't have to put up with it.
don't try to reform or shame them.
it's not your place and pointless anyway.
just side-step them.
in the OP's case i think they reconnected when they had children in the hope of money from will.
Passive aggressive excuses etc will not solve the problem. As others have said I think there needs to be some honest communication about visits, financial constraints, expectations, health/tiredness, staying/not staying, meals and anything else appropriate.
Re gifts I would ask if the kids still have their little nest eggs and say you hope they find them useful. Say when you plan to stop financial gifts and why
Good luck
To use a rather old fashioned phrase, I think that you are being taken advantage of. If I were you, I'd cut my losses and stop all Christmas/birthday/Easter etc. expenditure on them. I think I'd also make the point that in future I'll be donating everything that otherwise have been spent on them to Charity, where at least it'll be appreciated. The Charity wins, you win, they lose.. and who knows, they may even learn something from it. Alternatively, spend the money on yourself. As for visits, life really is too short to voluntarily put up with company/guests who are unattractive. Just don't invite them, and if they try to invite themselves, either just say no thanks, or come up with an excuse. Who knows, they may even be grateful for the get-out from what they see as no more than a "duty" visit. . I suspect that the teenagers certainly will.
Could you not say, how about we come to you next time? That way, you would see their home for the first time, the teenagers would be in their own home doing what teenagers do. They could eat and drink themselves silly on their own food/drink.
You could just do a one night stay. Would that work? If you’ve not had much contact you won’t have built up a relationship over the years so you won’t feel much for them.
They sound very rude and ungrateful so definitely stop sending money.
They sound like my BIL’s adult daughters. Their Mum and Dad spoiled them both thoroughly and were forever bailing them out when they overspent, giving them huge deposits for houses etc. Their Mum died in 2021 and we expected them to support their Dad a bit. One lives about 45 mins away and the other an hour and a half.
He lives alone and is so lonely now. One hardly ever rings him and is totally wrapped up in her own life and kids and the other rings him to ask him to cut her grass, tidy the garden, fetch her kids from school, do her ironing etc which he does!! She doesn’t even make him a sandwich.
On rare occasions he manages for them all to get together at his house for lunch and he preps everything and they turn up late so he is starving and they don’t eat until very late when he had said come for lunch.
He has suggested going for a pub lunch but then he always has to pick up the tab for 9 of them! They are absolute skinflints who are not hard up because their Mum left them £50k each when she died.
I think my SIL must be turning in her grave.
I do think you mean well with misguided expectations - the visit went generally well, as you describe it
The issue I see is that it didn't go as you expected
Why would you have to get along well with dil? As long as she is civil and respectful, isn't that enough?
The key here is the lack of a close relationship with the son for many years while he was growing up
That is crucial for a good relationship as adults
Relationships are naturally nurtured over time, growing in closeness (or not) at their own pace
The two teens not wanting to share a room - was it known before hand of this sleeping arrangement?
As a teenager, I would not have enjoyed this visit very much, it would have been boring
Different phases in life
Was an agenda that both parties liked discussed before the trip?
Perhaps your above and beyond efforts was not something that they were looking for
Looks like you expected to eat at home more than out - was their idea too?
Looks like the DNA held a lot of expectations that did not materialize
Staying in hotel would be better so you can decompress at end of day and have their own space
luluaugust makes a really good point
They view their visit with you as a holiday whereas you are just being at home
Maybe if you view their visits as a holiday too and take that timeto just relax and enjoy their company it will help?
Surely the drinks, snacks and stuff are just part of a break away. It does sound a lot for you and perhaps let them go out either morning or afternoon on their own so you don’t feel so pushed.
I really think you need better communication about visits and expectations and to try and find some things you do like about them and some common ground
"We really have tried to keep the relationships active but every time they visit we hope there might be a change but there isn't."
What change are you referring to?
Could this be a case of different expectations for the visit? They wanted to do x and you had y in mind?
Thanks for the supportive responses. We really have tried to keep the relationships active but every time they visit we hope there might be a change but there isn't. We did stop the savings accounts in the financial crash as my husband was made redundant. They have a few thousand each still, although I expect it will be spent on rubbish when they are 18. Funny thing is their mother never even mentions the little nest eggs to us! I remember when I was young (60's) my nanas used to send me 50p now and then and I had to write thank you letters. I was one of the rare children whose parents were divorced so it was tough- my mother worked full time and I had a front door key around my neck aged 11 onwards. I was allowed one bar of chocolate a week. I do fear for these generations as they will never be able to stand on their own feet and seem to have little empathy or compassion. It's all me, me, me, nowadays which sadly they have inherited from their parents.
I think I will stop the cash gifts when they are 18. The parents moan about money but splash the cash on the teenagers be it drinks, snacks and stuff when we visited various places during their visit.
Almost all guests pall after 3 days. That's a long time especially with DC who can't share a room!
You are very accommodating!
I think you should put them all in the same room - after all that's what family rooms at hotels are like.
Don't you have anything in common?
If they are ungrateful UANBU.
Some people don't know how to be guests. These ones are perhaps like that.
They think as you are hosting, you do all the cooking and organising.
Another time, if there is, put a plan for each day in place before they arrive and get those DC helping..
Nice polite and understanding posts on here, on MN they would be described as CFers. 
YANB. Be guided by your husband.
I’ve seen one family member use the excuse of decorating.
😉
I’m with PaddyAnn
A rejected son find his dad and his step mum, they aren’t that interested in them or the kids. What a shame. Sorry, but for me it’s not unreasonable to expect better behaviour in your home but it sounds quite par for the course these days. The attitude you are giving off is negative. Do they have no redeeming qualities?
It could be that son having missed that relationship growing up is expecting an adult to child relationship now
I have a good relationship with my Dad but we don't see each other often due to distance and do find myself needing him to be "the parent" when I do see him because of how much we have missed..
Maybe understanding that would help and it would get better with better communication
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