MIL won’t offer any petrol money

A relative who does nor live with their mother was claiming a 'carer's allowance' based on doing so many hours with the person. Yes keep a record and put in claim against the estate in the fullness of time.

A 98 year old is unlikely to be able to manage a hospital appointment going by herself in a taxi. It's not just the travel, it's negotiating the building and finding the way to the right clinic that I imagine she'd need help with.

My Dad (92) needed an emergency dentist appointment recently. I would normally take him but couldn't at such short notice, so one of his carers agreed to come in early and accompany him, in the taxi which I booked.
I told the practice the carer was there on my behalf. She reported the outcome back to me as Dad wouldn't have remembered what the dentist said!
Dad paid for the taxi with his bank card and the carer's extra hours will be on his monthly bill.

He's financially secure and doesn't need me to subsidise him.
Never allowing adults to pay their way infantilises them and is another way they lose their independence. It's not always in their best interests.

My own training! Grrr!

I'm a volunteer instructor at our karate club. I travel four times a week, two round trips of thirty miles and two of fifty miles, to teach the juniors and I really enjoy the teaching part. It's true I get my own trading for nothing, but, when the price of petrol went up so high, I told our instructor I would have to drop one of the longer round trips to save fuel. Suddenly, petrol money was forthcoming. People can be thoughtless and take for granted the help you offer with no strings. Sunflower2 maybe you should suggest that if financial help isn't possible, you will have to cut back on the frequency of your visits. I know she's 98 but fair's fair.

Think we have all helped our parents. It never crossed my mind to ask my mum for money for anything, let alone petrol. I think if your MIL is 98, at this late stage l'd let it go. You don't know how much longer you have her for.

I have claimed DLA for years after having to take Medical retirement. My local authority has told me that the Care I need just to help wash my hair as I have reduced mobility in my hands & arms too now has to be paid by me as I receive DLA. A neighbour has Attendance Allowance & her Care is paid for by our local authority. We cannot work out why & I do give money to my DS when he runs me anywhere where my neighbour expects her daughter to do this for free! Funny old world!

It is not unreasonable to find it hard with the price of petrol being what it is, to expect those you drive anywhere to contribute to the price of petrol.

However, it is perhaps rather unrealistic of your husband and you to expect his 98 year old mother to understand the necessity of this, when you have been providing free car trips for the past 20 years.

Explaining things to your SIL might help if either you or your husband find her reasonable to talk to about it, but won't persuade your MIL to pay your petrol.

Being unavailable and ordering a taxi for her next time she is only going a short distance, might serve to show her what today's prices really are, but I would not depend too much upon it.

I am afraid there is nothing much you can do here, but you could try going into the filling station on your way home with her next time you take her anywhere and saying, "I need £X to fill up otherwise we will run out of petrol before we get home:" and see what happens - just do so, before there is any danger of running out of petrol.

I gave up work to care for my mum, and she always offered to pay for petrol, bless her, or when I took her shopping she'd offer to pay for mine at the same time. If I refused she'd be very hurt and so I was very lucky

She is not going to last for much longer and presumably you can recoup your expenses from her estate when she dies. If you can cover the costs at the moment then I would let it lie - just keep a record of your expenditure if your sister is likely to quibble it.

She may not understand or express appreciation at this stage.

I would suggest keeping a record of your journeys to help and discussing with your other relatives - not your MIL - that you may expect to recoup some of those costs from her estate.

The poster upthread who referred to PIP is correct. This (and other disability payments such as DLA) are intended to help defray the fact that disabled people may incur extra expenses in order to enjoy an ordinary life. In my case I claim DLA mobility which helps with the cost of taxis as I do not drive.

Expecting to be reimbursed for these services/petrol money is not unreasonable. The problem is that your MIL (not even your own mother) has had a free ride for so many years that its difficult for you now to initiate a payment schedule. Putting in place any kind of process (where someone provides a service and another receives it) its best to be business like and to get the money part settled up front. People say I am rather cold and calculating in this respect but I just naturally have my business head on when doing anything for anyone.

My advice would be to begin to step back from this relationship and fource the other relations to take more responsibility. The fact that we are in a cost of living crisis and you and your partner are now on a pension means that you have to take a new and harder look at your finances.

pce612

Say you can't make it for appointments and suggest she gets a taxi, that is what her allowance is for, surely.

This is probably what you should do.

Sunflower2

I appreciate everyone’s comments. It’s really given me food for thought! I was at my tether end when I posted. It just seemed like one more thing we were getting wrong. (Can I just point out that although I called it Independent Living Allowance, I’m aware it may not be called that. It’s an allowance she receives to pay for services that will keep her in her own home. It is not a hand out to squirrel away.)
For those who asked if it was really about petrol and money……..no, probably not! It’s a build up of resentment, leading to anger on my part. In contrast to the way I was brought up, my mother would never have seen any of us out of pocket. She offered! Insisted! She didn’t need to be asked. MIL has never offered, which is why we felt forced several years ago to point it out. She has been giving us the odd £10 when it was an appointment etc., but my resentment is from having to point it out rather than it coming from her all those years ago. Now for her to suddenly decide she’s given us enough seems strange as her appointments are no less. (As I said, I’m pretty sure I know where this is coming from.). Yesterday my husband went over to take her for a hearing check at the hospital. Today he’s going over to take her to a different hospital for a Covid booster. For those who said at her age she’s too elderly to be aware of petrol costs, she’s not too elderly to decide she doesn’t want to give us petrol money any more! Being grateful and demonstrating it makes all the difference. We would gladly do all these things for her, but when it is expected, demanded, when threats are made, when genuine courtesy is not forthcoming, even the best of us have our limits! I’m so grateful for the opportunity to air my thoughts on this site when I needed to offload and to all those who responded so generously.

That sounds like Attendance Allowance Sunflower although there is a Legacy allowance some people are on which confuses things. I asked because it can be a gateway to further help. It is also for your mother-in-law to use as she sees fit. "Attendance" doesn't mean it has to be a person. It can be used for "things" that help her or, as I suggested, the cost of a delivery. Better, in some ways, that it is the cost of the delivery than the cost of your petrol.

I really do think you should move these jobs away from you and the admitted resentment you feel. Mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships can be very tricky but even mother's carer/mother's daughter is not easy. If you can put this back to managing those who care (if necessary) and being a family member I think it will help.

My sister once made a snide comment because my mother asked me to charge my petrol to her when I was visiting. I didn't (and still don't) see anything wrong with taking it.
I doubt that your mother will ever see your point of view, and your sister (who presumably rarely visits) is not likely to either.
Perhaps you could suggest that your sister takes over the day to day trips?!

Sunflower2

I appreciate everyone’s comments. It’s really given me food for thought! I was at my tether end when I posted. It just seemed like one more thing we were getting wrong. (Can I just point out that although I called it Independent Living Allowance, I’m aware it may not be called that. It’s an allowance she receives to pay for services that will keep her in her own home. It is not a hand out to squirrel away.)
For those who asked if it was really about petrol and money……..no, probably not! It’s a build up of resentment, leading to anger on my part. In contrast to the way I was brought up, my mother would never have seen any of us out of pocket. She offered! Insisted! She didn’t need to be asked. MIL has never offered, which is why we felt forced several years ago to point it out. She has been giving us the odd £10 when it was an appointment etc., but my resentment is from having to point it out rather than it coming from her all those years ago. Now for her to suddenly decide she’s given us enough seems strange as her appointments are no less. (As I said, I’m pretty sure I know where this is coming from.). Yesterday my husband went over to take her for a hearing check at the hospital. Today he’s going over to take her to a different hospital for a Covid booster. For those who said at her age she’s too elderly to be aware of petrol costs, she’s not too elderly to decide she doesn’t want to give us petrol money any more! Being grateful and demonstrating it makes all the difference. We would gladly do all these things for her, but when it is expected, demanded, when threats are made, when genuine courtesy is not forthcoming, even the best of us have our limits! I’m so grateful for the opportunity to air my thoughts on this site when I needed to offload and to all those who responded so generously.

It is worth asking you mil’s gp surgery if they will give her covid vaccinations in her home, some do. Also there are companies which visit to do sight and hearing tests.

I supported my parents for 15 years taking them shopping and when my father was terminally ill. Once a week I as on secondment to a company close to their home and I went to visit Dad in my liunch hour while my mother was out. After Dad died I was forced by finances to take a full time job so could not take my mother shopping each week. Where were my brother and sister? Somewhere in the ether! Latterly after losing my job due to disability and my OH being made redundant we had, again for financial reasons, to move to a cheaper area, over 200 miles away. At the time my mother was fitter than me. As her health began to fail, I was unable to visit physically or financially, but I offered her a home with me and OH. She refused. The result was for about three years my brother and sister ‘helped’ one would visit weekly taking shopping from a shop she did not like, but did nothing else. They both stopprd talking to me and have refused to give the money she left to me in her will.

Say you can't make it for appointments and suggest she gets a taxi, that is what her allowance is for, surely.

Next time she wants you to sort out a trivial matter, say she can ask her carer, for hearing aid etc. or you’ll see to it when you deliver her shopping. Perhaps remind her that if you were unable to support her, her care home fees will be much more expensive than an odd tank of petrol.
Route planners give average costs for journeys - make a list and show her how much she is costing you. Since the daughter is not lifting a finger and interfering , suggest that she should be contributing to the welfare of her mother.

My late Mom always insisted on giving me petrol money and despite me protesting and always trying to refuse - she then starting to give 10 pound notes to my daughter..(initially not known to me but discovered them in a pretty box in her room also supplied by Nana.. ..so we decided on a compromise and the 10 pound notes went into a building society fund for my daughter as she was only 6 at the time...its hard oneOP

My mother is 91 and we have the opposite problem. She insists on paying for even quite minor expenses. We are a large family and we are able to pay for whatever she wants day to day. We want to gift her with these things as thanks for all her kindness, support and love over the years. I think there is more going on with the OP and the family dynamic. It’s sad that the faraway daughter feels the need to interfere. The ILA is supposed to cover extra costs involved in keeping someone out of hospital or residential care. I would remind sister in law of that.

Perhaps she is unaware of the costs of running a car these days.
We often acted as a taxi service to own mother (85) who lived 60 miles away. She would offer us money ‘towards the petrol’, usually £5 towards a trip that might have cost us £40 or more.

My husband works a demanding full time job, we aren't well off. I cannot work and don't recieve help. My Mum is 84 and has incurable lung cancer. My husband makes himself available for every hospital appointment she has to attend and drives her there. He also has to drive me to hospital as I too have cancer. The monthly petrol costs a fortune but my husband refuses to take a penny from my Mum, he said he'd rather have to go without something himself. I love him for that attitude alone

There is no way we can stop our children worrying about us and feeling concerned about us and fussing round us.

We are coming up to 80 and live a long way from our children and were determined to stay self sufficient, including living far enough away for them not to be able to look after us.

However after seeing how difficult it was for them to visit, and how insistent they were on frequent visits when DH had a heart attack, we began to rethink and, as both DC live off the same motorway - but 150 miles apart, we thought we would consider moving somewhere between the two, so neither was overburdened and we were essentially independent. A move is not imminent, but we were just mulling future options.

As soon as we mentioned to our children what we were considering, both of them were adamant. If we moved, it should be the town one or other of them lived in, so that one of them were close at hand and could give us all the help we needed if we needed it.

So much for not intending to be a burden. they want us near enough to be a burden!

Hetty58

Calendargirl:

'Our own children will not be expected to care for us, if we get so we can’t manage, it will be a nursing home unfortunately.'

Exactly - I'll never allow my kids (or grandkids) to be so involved in looking after me (or feel that resentment). We're all living longer and can't expect the elderly to care for their (very elderly) parents.

I totally agree, Hetty, but we may not be in control. A friend's parent was in a retirement home - it was costing more than I was earning. Now I'm retired, I'm obviously on a much smaller income.

Op

Why don't you take a break and let your DH take care of his mother fully?

Let's see how long it takes him to push back when all the work is on his shoulders

No you are not being unreasonable! What a mean old biddy! I would make myself less available. She would have to pay for taxies and would soon realise what a godsend you and your husband are. Being 98 is no excuse for being mean spirited.