Should we stand up for ourselves? Family feud

I would tell daughter in law to either block the other sons fiancee on social media or stop using social media and she might then be a lot happier as she'd be oblivious to the other young womans 'blatherings'!- also its probably how the other one is getting her 'jealousy fodder' as the better off couple have probably posted on there about their nice bigger new house & car etc. Or holidays, new stuff for new house etc and what the lovely posh wedding was like etc?- all shown on there and feeding the seething jealousy of the other one.Albeit unintentionally. If that doesnt help then elder son should have a word with his brother- Lets face it they are drifting apart anyway so its not a big risk.If none of that works then you may have a choice of speaking up yourself or just let the 2 brothers & families drift apart while you stay friendly with both and are careful NOT to give the others any news etc about the other ones.-'speaking from experience'? Yes.

Your post is entitled “should we stand up for ourselves”. IMO there is a vast difference between someone making a few snide remarks about another person “privately” say, at a family dinner, and that individual posting outright lies publicly on social media.
I appreciate why you don't feel able to stand up for your DiL & you've explained that your husband has tried to explain to her why this is. Your DiL is understandably hurt but hopefully she’ll still feel able to have a relationship with you and your DH.
As others have already said, you are between a rock and a hard place. But if I were you, I absolutely would stand up for myself & my DH and would not stand by and let someone tell lies about me as I abhor false accusations being made. Whilst ultimately you risk losing contact with your DGCs, can you really see a happy future for you and your DH if the current situation is allowed to continue?

After careful thought I would send both sons and daughters in law the same message. “Dear all, We wanted to make sure you all know how much we love and appreciate you all and are so proud of each of you and our grandchildren. We understand there was some message on social media recently suggesting otherwise but hope you all know that we only have love for you all and our gorgeous grandchildren of course. See you soon xxx” I hope that would deal with the whole thing . Hope this helps

Your son is just as complicit and both need to be told that the lies about your relationship with your d.i.l. must stop. I'm sorry, but I don't agree your son and his fiance need reassurance, they need to be told that this treatment of your d.i.l. wont be tolerated and neither will their threats to stop you from seeing your GC unless you do what they want, when they want.
Exactly.
Why would you do nothing when she is telling lies about you, how hurtful for both you and your oldest daughter in law. No wonder she is upset regardless how mature she is, she is also human. You are putting your grandchildren before the wellbeing of your oldest son and DIL, so you are definitely taking sides. I would be very upset too. Tell her and your youngest son is has to stop now and tell them to grow up. I'm sure they will not want to do without your services for long, and anyway why let them threaten you like that ? totally unacceptable, you are doing THEM a favour not the other way around.

You are right to keep out of this one, or as you say, you will end up as piggy in the middle, and possibly end up alienating both couples. It really is up to both of them as adults to sort it out for themselves. Even if they can't, just accept the situation and move on. Don't be tempted to put your oar in. I'd make it clear to both parties that you're not going to get involved, and that you won't even comment on their relationship. Even well meant words can sometimes be misinterpreted and used against you by those who want to do so.

I think you should say something to the younger one.
If she is lying and getting away with it this will just escalate until your son and his wife walk away from you completely because of the lack of support.
Many people use the threat of not seeing the GC to get what they want but when they need a babysitter or other favours they soon change their tune.
I would never let someone tell lies about me especially when they would upset someone related to me so much.

I'd tread carefully, your older son may in fact not be childless by choice, they may just say that because they are private reserved people. If so (unlikely I know from what you've said) they, as a couple, may be very hurt and feel very misunderstood as the other couple have lovely children yet still snipe at them and you prioritize the grandchildren. As others say, you're between a rock and a hard place X

You cannot step in..
How can you undo what is on social media? And her husband can't undo it either. The only way is to stay utterly neutral and for the brothers/wives to sort it out between them. Less is more and you'll end up upsetting everyone e if you intervene.
The only alternative would be a family meeting with a counsellor to act as an arbitrator!

I am in a similar situation, my 2 oldest sons in their 40s have worked hard, one has worked abroad for the past 6 years and has now come home and bought a beautiful 6 bedroomed home, the oldest one has a lovely home as well and they all have new cars, my youngest son has recently married a lovely young girl somewhat younger than him, they have a nice little house (he is only in his early 30s) but at a family dinner last week I noticed some fairly snide comments from her about the lifestyles of my older sons and their families, I assured her that one day they will be the same as they both have good jobs but it made me uncomfortable and I hope it stops there as I won’t want any tension and certainly won’t get involved. Families eh!

This is a really painful place to be. I think if it were me, I'd seek help - starting with advice. I found this on the internet which looks a good starting point.
www.family-action.org.uk/what-we-do/children-families/familyline/#:~:text=Telephone%3A%200808%20802%206666,family%2Daction.org.uk
Also as pascal30 suggests - find a good family therapist and talk to her/him on your own to get some perspective and maybe find a way forward. I do wish everyone involved well. Blaming doesn't help - maybe understanding will, and you sound ready to understand.

If it reaches the point where there is no chance of a reconciliation I would consider family therapy. The therapist would be completely neutral and unjudgemental and allow all parties to express how and why they feel the way they do. You might reach a resolution that is acceptable to all..

It would appear that the OP's son is complicit in this Katie so unlikely to remonstrate with his fiance.

The trouble is it works doesn't it Ihonestlydontcare. What decent parent would use their children in this way?

Stop looking at social media is a good idea there is so much inappropriate content causing problems

As for asking sons to intervene, that’s a difficult one, their first priority is to maintain the relationship in their family, it’s a brave man that tries to tell his wife to behave. In a situation like this most would just shrug their shoulders and say “women bitching”

I would stay out of it, in that talking to the fiance will have little effect. And your son must know she is lying much of the time.

But I would be having heart to hearts with the other daughter in law. Looking after her wellbeing behind the scenes. And that of your other son also.

I don't have grandchildren but from all the threads I read I can see how everything changes once grandchildren are present. It is so sad the SILs & DILs can't have the respect for the older generation that was once everyday. I often wonder though if sometimes the grandparents don't try to call the shots too much. There must be a way around these difficult situations. I only wish I knew the answer.

If I was your older daughter in law, I would just walk away from the whole situation, and that would include walking away from you, if you found yourself unable to dispute the lies the younger girl was spreading. I would also stop looking at social media.

I see your point with your grandchildren, but you can’t live your life giving into this troublemaker because she holds all the cards. Insecure she may be, and probably feeling unsupported and jealous, but that’s hardly the fault of the other girl.

I suspect that in time the older couple will realise they don’t need any of you, and distance themselves from all of you.

I am the older DIL in a similar scenario. My husbands parents know that we are not the cause of the problem but refuse to call out the behaviour of the other couple because they fear it would lead to reduced contact with grandchildren.

We have already completely cut off contact with the other couple (which my in-laws are very upset about, but it’s absolutely not reasonable to expect us tolerate such poor treatment just so they can play happy families) and we’re also reducing contact with PIL because they’ve repeatedly shown that we’re not as valuable or important because we don’t have kids.

My husbands brother and SIL will hold the grandchildren over their parents heads forever and my PIL are letting them behave atrociously to everyone.

By all means “stay out of it” but don’t be surprised if your older son and DIL decide that they don’t want to be subject to such treatment, or people that don’t support them.

I noticed your comment about how you have to struggle to get your son to support his partner, the mother of his children. Am wondering if that is financial, or emotional or any other way. This might cause some of her resentment.
If you are providing a lot of care to the grandchildren it’s unlikely they will want to lose that benefit.
Ideally you should keep out of things between the two couples if you can.

Lots of commonsense replies on here Margie. I would also advise older DIL to come off social media then she won’t have to read hurtful lies.

This is a horrible position to be in margie and if it were me, I wouldn't allow this to continue unchallenged.

Of course you don't want to be stopped from seeing your GC but do you want to live with the threat of this happening for years? Where and when will it end? What other unacceptable behaviour will you be forced to endure because you're being emotionally blackmailed? You're already placating them because of this horrible threat.

Your son is just as complicit and both need to be told that the lies about your relationship with your d.i.l. must stop. I'm sorry, but I don't agree your son and his fiance need reassurance, they need to be told that this treatment of your d.i.l. wont be tolerated and neither will their threats to stop you from seeing your GC unless you do what they want, when they want.

I am in a similar situation with an in-law telling lies about me which another family member bought into.
It has had a very negative effect.
Your son's fiancée need to be called out in this and told to stop causing trouble. As a previous poster has said, she is weaponising your grandchildren. Unfortunately some people do this. Get screenshots of the social media posts in question if you can and tell her to stop lying!!!

Since your daughter-in-law seems to know that what your younger son's fiancée is saying about you isn't true, why doesn't she say that to the fiancée?

Also, why doesn't she mute (or even delete) any social media connections with said fiancée? Why would anyone want to listen to or read what they know to be claptrap?

If fiancée's lies are ignored – not even noticed – she might stop. worth a try, I think.

It's a horrible situation for the grandparents to be in.

I have huge sympathy for this difficult situation as have experienced it myself but I do disagree with some of the comments about taking sides & that’s it’s between the DILs.

If I’ve understood correctly, your eldest DIL has done nothing wrong, behaved well but it’s being bullied by your younger DIL who is also lying on your behalf ie saying you agree with her?

Younger DIL is also weaponising the grandchildren by implying/saying if you don’t go along with this, you’ll lose contact with the grandchildren?

I do think you need to calmly and quietly call out the lies & emphasis you love all of them as otherwise you are condoning this behaviour & do unintentionally supporting it.

It’ll probably only get worse if you don’t. I say this as this is exactly how my SIL behaved & the response from PIL was the same for the same reasons.

Whilst we sort of understood, it got worse, we then began to wonder if PIL were really agreeing with some of the things she said that she’d named then in.

In the end we distanced ourselves from all, didn’t cut off contact with PIL but the relationship was never the same.

Plus the other thing is grandchildren grow up & whilst many still have close relationships with grandparents, others not so as their lives get busy, they move away to uni etc. Plus you never know what the future holds, unexpected separations do happen which would mean she’d probably behave in an even more many way.

I don’t see why you can’t say something to younger son and fiancée. Just very simply that you love both sons and their partners very much and you are upset that they should think or say otherwise. Younger son and fiancée sound like they need reassurance but although older son and wife decided not to have children they could now feel a bit jealous. Best thing is to make it clear to all parties that you don’t want to be involved in arguments between them but you love them all. Maybe it’s how King Charles feels?