Sandwich generation feeling resentful

I understand all of this. I felt guilty too. I used to visit my elderly mother every day, take her to all her appointments, do her washing, you all know how it is, my husband and I did everything and managed everything for her. My sister lived many miles away and wouldn’t have helped if she lived next door. Also we did a massive amount of childcare for my daughter’s children and some childcare for our son’s child. Now my mum has died, my daughter and children are in New Zealand, and my son’s child is ten and we only do childcare for him on odd days in school holidays.
Please Yvette try to look after yourself. It is so draining when you’re doing it all. You need time off and time to yourself. Perhaps your mother could have carers in to help with her care.

Another one who is still there and has the t shirt. I have a mum and a mil both in their 90s and I do feel resentful, as well as exhausted. My mum is in a wheelchair now and it is so difficult getting her anywhere for her various appointments. My husband is in his 70s and I am a few years younger but it has nearly killed us this week getting the wheelchair in and out of the car and mum in it. We have carers for them both but we still seem to end up chasing up and down. I wish my mum could get to grips with netflix etc but she can't. She phones because she can't remember how to change the TV channels. Mil has dementia and constantly loses the remote control, her teeth, her glasses etc. My husband and I have siblings but we are the closest in distance to both our mums. It is not the way I wanted our retirement to be and I worry how long my husband and I have left in decent health. I am probably being mean here but I didn't always have the best relationship with my mum and none at all with my mil, who never helped us in any way and showed little interest in my children. I couldn't see either of them in need but it does lead to resentment on my part. I was in bed at 9 pm last night in tears because I was so tired and fed up. My husband is completely fed up too but we both feel we just have to get on with it.

My Mum once started crying and said she'd never expected me to have to bath her and care for her, it was her job to look after me and help with my children. 😥
I was in my 40s then.

GG, I wish I could have not felt resentful. I was so ashamed of how I felt.

I don't remember my mother ever telling me she loved me or appreciated what I did, nothing pleased her. Yet my brother, who did absolutely zilch was the golden boy,
It eventually took its toll on my mental health, My GP , who was also my mother's GP, advised me to take a step back, I lasted a couple of days. I just couldn't stay away.

OP, if you don't take care of yourself, you are no use to anyone.

Having been there and got the proverbial ’T’shirt, I never felt resentful, I always felt exhausted.

Like others I know exactly how you feel and you are definitely not an awful person. Just look at what you are doing and the level of responsibility you have! I was in a very similar situation with my elderly mother who after a stroke lost the ability to swallow and was PEG fed through the day. She also had a stoma and early dementia. We had carers 3 times a day, but they were barely there for 15mins, and district nurses for dressings etc. That left most of the day when she was on her own, not at all safe on her feet, especially when trailing the PEG pump behind her. Left to her own devices she would disconnect, or cut, the feeding tube, take off the stoma bag and attempt to leave the house. She was admitted to hospital 13 times in the 15 months after she was discharged following her stroke. I spent as much time with her as I could but I too had granddaughters so I did school runs and after school care. I lost count of the number of times I was called out in the night when Mum activated her alarm because she felt unwell or had fallen, the stoma bag had leaked all over the bed, or she just needed company. My daily routine was frantic: take girls to school on the other side of town, drive to Mum’s in the opposite direction, stay there until it was time to collect the girls, take them to my house, feed them and when their father picked them up, rush back to Mum’s to disconnect the feeding machine and wait until the carers came to put her to bed. Weekends I spent all day with her. I very nearly had a nervous breakdown and that is no exaggeration. The family finally agreed it would be best if we found a decent nursing home for her. We were lucky and found a lovely place where mum settled happily and was well cared for for almost 3 years until Covid got her in Feb 22. Had I had to continue caring for her I don’t think she would have lived as long as she did - the care in the nursing home was excellent, and she didn’t need the repeated hospital visits any longer - and I would have become ill. The advice others have given is absolutely right. Look after yourself first. You certainly need a way to take the pressure off. Elderly people can be selfish, stubborn and demanding without realising it and sometimes you simply have to put your foot down. You don’t say if your Mum has dementia or physical issues, if so regular carers might help and your social services dept would be the place to start the process. If your Mum refuses to do anything for social stimulation, that is her choice and you do not need to fill the gap. Sky, or similar, maybe Netflix certainly helped my mum, as did her iPad and all the games she played on it, even in her nineties. It also had the advantage of allowing FaceTime calls, a great way to chat without actually being there. I do hope you find a way to get some of your life back soon.

Callistemon is right you need to sit down and work out what you can realistically cope with. You must factor in some time for yourself as well Yvettehartland
Your family is expecting too much from you and maybe there are ways they can help you instead of vice versa. Take care of yourself.

MerylStreep

Just remember: don’t rescue to the point where you have to be rescued. Then everyone’s in trouble.

Put on your own oxygen mask first!

I do know how you feel.
I had older parents needing care, a young family and a job.

As a friend said, you feel like a piece of elastic.
Sit down, work out what you can cope with and suggest alternatives if possible.

I have the same problems Yvette, without the uncle. Is your mum still independent? Does she help with your uncle. Of course you feel resentful, we wait a long time to get our own children into adulthood, and retire. there should be time for you now. You need to make plans just for you, certain days your definitely unavailable. Tell your mum to leave a message then you can get back to her.
My own mum is very needy and often says I need to visit everyday. I don’t because otherwise I’d be putting her before my DH my DGC and myself and that’s not right or fair. She of course thinks she should come first, but so does everyone else.
It’s a very tight rope, but if you don’t take charge you’ll fall off, then you won’t be any good to anyone. Learning how to cope with the guilt though, that’s another story.

MerylStreep

Just remember: don’t rescue to the point where you have to be rescued. Then everyone’s in trouble.

Very wise words!

Just remember: don’t rescue to the point where you have to be rescued. Then everyone’s in trouble.

No but you are failing to realise that you need to look after yourself as well. Look at what you are doing and decide what is absolutely essential and no one else can do. Try to find others who can help- your children for example should visit their grandmother and give you a break sometimes, Then think of what you have always wanted to do, this might be singing, or writing or painting or some sort of exercise. Find out about classes or groups in your area and tell everyone you are going to try some. You might find there is something you really love. Making time for yourself isn't awful it's essential to keep you going. Explain this to all your family and tell them how you feel. No wonder you feel awful you are probably worn out.

I understand exactly how you feel!

I was studying, working full time, bringing up a family and looking after a mother with Alzheimer's, who phoned me constantly, even at school. Nothing I ever did was good enough.
I became so angry, resentful and extremely guilty that I felt that way.

In the end I became very unwell, so you must look after yourself. Something has to give.
Eventually I had to give up on studying for my second degree, which made me even more resentful.

I can't even provide any advice, but couldn't pass by, with showing empathy.