visiting a neighbour in hospital

If your neighbour has had a stroke and is in rehab, the social worker will arrange the package of care based on his needs. They also oversee the financial assessment for this. A neighbour would never be expected to become involved. An access visit should be arranged to ensure the suitability of the house and that there is space for equipment such as standing equipment, commodes and a hospital bed. Often adjustments and compromises will have to be considered such as downstairs living and using ready meals for the carers to heat up..

Ive read many threads on both GN and MN where someone has begun by doing a kindly act for a neighbour (as I did) and thereafter being gradually sucked into a situation from which its difficult to extract themselves.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I would certainly want to visit a neighbour in hospital. While it is true that it commits you to nothing, you don’t know what conversations will take place regarding a care package. He may not fancy the idea of ‘strangers’ coming into his home, so could be telling staff he doesn’t need a package, as he has a partner,family, and good neighbours. Then when they fail to show up, it’s left to the neighbour to deal with any crises.
I know my aunt would have been telling hospital staff that I would look after her, so I made sure they were aware this wasn’t the case. She was discharged to a care home, which she was well able to afford.

@Biglouis
Oh I read it including the bit where you said

Obviously you have never suffered the experience of a neighbour taking advantage of you because their own family failed to step up
And I believe I answered that.

@Foxgloves: if you had read my post a little more carefully you would see that I had already been trapped and guilted into running about after a neighbour (who had an able bodied son living with her) to the extent that I neglected myself and my work. I have also had the experience of having a relative accuse me of "interfearing" with their mother because I was kind enough to chat with her during the lockdown.

Ive now learned that its better to keep to myself and not become involved, as ones efforts can very easily be abused or misunderstood.

Surely he with his wife will be involved and consulted on any help with care needs. Visit in hospital yes, but you shouldn't be expected by anyone to be a support in any way when your neighbour is home. What is a favour one day is an obligation the next.

Being in hospital recently myself, I welcomed texts more than visits when I was very tired and recovering from serious illness. It was lovely to know that friends and family were thinking about me. When he comes home you could leave him the odd treat but don't start shopping. Anyway nowadays it is easy for his family to order a Tesco shop to be delivered.

If you would really like to visit him do.
As others have advised just say no to any requests from his family.

I consider myself a very good neighbour and I am happy to say I have good neighbours all around me. We offered to get shopping for each other or add bits to our own online shop during the pandemic.
But clearing their weeds?
I don’t think so!

I think there is some truth in what your family warn against - setting up a routine of clearing weeds, etc., might create an expectation and make you feel obligated. However, I think visiting now and again is just being a good neighbour.

Still visit him but make it very clear to him, his family and his absent OH that you are not taking on the role of a Carer.
It is one thing picking up some shopping when your in the supermarket for yourself and keeping the drive tidy but it is a totally different matter administering Care, leave that to the professionals.

I have today, just been ‘released’ from this kind of scenario. Offered to get my neighbour a load of bread after her husband passed away…

Thirteen years later I’m now her next of kin, (no family left in the world) power of attorney (along with her solicitor) and have been her full time carer at times. She’s now 83.

After her legs stopped working a few weeks ago, and she had a ‘soft’ fall (managed to catch her and put her on the floor gently) she has decided to go into a nursing home.

It has been a tough road as she got older and her health deteriorated. She’s been in hospital for almost 3 weeks and still no one knows why she can’t weight bear.

She told all of her friends she wanted to go into a nursing home last week, but a Social Worker visited her on Tuesday and persuaded her to change her mind and go home, with carers from an agency.

She got very muddled, confused, tearful, and just didn’t know what to do.

Thankfully her solicitor stepped in, asked her what her wishes were, and has acted on putting them into place. She will now be going into a nursing home.

It’s a huge relief for me, and after caring for her for all this time, I can now have my life back. No more being at her beck and call, no shopping for her, picking up meds from the chemist, getting her to hospital appts, arranging home visits, cleaning up after her (yes she is incontinent) and taking midnight phone calls as she’s feeling lonely and upset, along with the 30 calls a day I’ve had from her.

Yes, I chose to help her originally. I just didn’t know it would turn into me being a full time carer.

I’d say stay friends, but that’s it. It’s very easy to get involved, especially if you feel sympathy for someone who is struggling.
Stop the shopping - it becomes a chore. And see if he can do online shopping where they deliver. It’s much easier. But let the family step up for him. It’s not down to you now.

Don’t let yourself be emotionally roller-coasted into helping. I was told the more I helped her, the less help she’d get from anywhere else. And that’s proven to be true. I also couldn’t say ‘no’ when she asked for help. I felt sorry for her that she had no one else in the world to help her.

My neighbour will say she has ‘lovely friends and neighbours all around her.’ The reality is they all stepped away from her as soon as they could once I’d started helping her. They weren’t so great after all. They don’t even stay in touch with her now - not even a call, and they live literally in the same block of flats!

But now I can go back to being her friend again, which is how it all started out. I know she’ll be safe and cared for, she’ll be fed and watered and she’ll have people around her after almost 6 years of isolation at home, and not going out. Hopefully she’ll make new friends, and be able to enjoy her bingo and quizzes and sitting in the garden again.

And yes, I’ll visit her in the nursing home. I’m sure your friend would be happy to see you, and if asked for help say what others have suggested.. ‘I can’t step on families toes, it’s down to them to sort things out.’

Wishing you good luck

A truly compassionate person would make a short visit. That might be some welcome elixir for the patient. Let him know what you are doing to help out in his yard, plus words of encouragement. He needs to hear these things.

After working in a hospital the only time you don’t visit is if there is a “no visit” request by either the patient or the spokesperson/family.
USA Gundy

Rude not to.

It can be pretty lonely in hospital and I have always welcomed visits from neighbours, who also happen to be friends.

Those neighbours are the people, who supported me and helped my sanity through two years of sheilding and I have also willingly and gladly supported them, without any qualms.
I certainly don't expect them to be my carers.

Whata sour outlook on life, some have.

biglouis

*I sometimes despair at the negativity I come across on GN - don’t do this or xxx will become dependent, LTB, cut all ties*

Obviously you have never suffered the experience of a neighbour taking advantage of you because their own family failed to step up. Try to step back and the (crocodile) tears start. Its easy to get guilted into becoming someone's unpaid PA to the extent that it impacts your job, your family and your own self care.

Done it, been there, got the t-shirt. Never again.

Actually biglouis I haven’t.
Following the principles of “do as you would be done by” I have also enjoyed the most amazing help and support - way beyond even good neighbourliness- especially in the last weeks of DH’s life and after his death.
I have been grateful, thankful and humbled by the kindness of others and if I now offer help with shopping, lifts, an occasional casserole or just a listening ear, I am doing no more than others have done for me and like to think I am , in my small way, contributing to a better life.
You only get out of life what you put in and given some of the bitter and intolerant posts I have come across on GN, I would rather be responsible for being assertive but kind, than be suspicious of those around me and their motives.
You and others here are too keen to tell us how you are not prepared to put yourself out for your neighbours.
Well, what goes around, comes around.

I would certainly go and visit. I wouldn’t push myself forward with anything else though, he has partner and family!

echt

I would say visit, it would be the kind and neighbourly thing to do. However if the man's OH is capable, then there's no reason for you to be gardening/shopping at all.
The only potential difficulty I see is the the visiting family already perceive you as having a greater role than you intend, so worth popping round to introduce yourself and say what you've been doing and its limits. They may need have conversation with the man in rehab to refer all his requests to his OH.

This.

I share your hesitation, not quite sure why...

maybe its simply that after a visit he may assume more closeness than there is now - or you want - how close are you actually its quite intimate - would it change the relationship you have with him after he comes out....

he may ask you to do this or that when you are there which perhaps is the role of his partner....can you fetch me this or that in - then it's really hard to say no -

maybe I'm over cautious because time starved nurses and SSD in hospital can tend to assume a visitor has closer connections than are actually there....but of course it is a kind thing to do.

I agree with GNs here, who advise being wary about offering help: these things can escalate easily, with a lot of undue pressure being put on the person who helps. We know of someone ( "X"; herself a pensioner, already giving support to the school-age children of a sadly bereaved relative) who, during Covid, offered shopping help to an older neighbour. Said neighbour took advantage of X for months well after Covid restrictions were limited: she was driving herself about locally, but still expecting X to bring her shopping. (To add insult to injury, she complained if X couldn't get an exact product.) Be very careful!

Hithere

Your AC and siblings are right

A visit is more than kind

Ask yourself - why do you need to rescue him?

Are you kidding?
It’s kind not more than kind, and what a good neighbour would do, visit him, and take a bottle of squash and a get well card too.
That’s all that’s needed at this stage, and maybe at any stage as he has a wife he worships.

I sometimes despair at the negativity I come across on GN - don’t do this or xxx will become dependent, LTB, cut all ties

Obviously you have never suffered the experience of a neighbour taking advantage of you because their own family failed to step up. Try to step back and the (crocodile) tears start. Its easy to get guilted into becoming someone's unpaid PA to the extent that it impacts your job, your family and your own self care.

Done it, been there, got the t-shirt. Never again.

You don't want him to leech on you + inability to say no = recipe for disaster

Good grief - this is harsh.
He is a neighbour, a hospital visit is not an undertaking to become his carer, he has a wife and family too.
Is it too much to show a little kindness while at the same time pleasantly, but firmly, declining any further commitment?
I sometimes despair at the negativity I come across on GN - don’t do this or xxx will become dependent, LTB, cut all ties
Not my world.

As our 25 block of flats have a voluntary self managed Management Committee, we try to care for each other. We encourage all flats to put up a key safe at their front doors, but do have front door key for every flat in our office for emergency use. We also keep a list of each occupants emergency number (family) to contact.

We do try to visit if anyone is in hospital,- so nice seeing a friendly face. No one minds for a week or so, if someone is unwell getting them a loaf of bread or some milk, but nothing more. Will sit with someone awaiting an emergency ambulance if their relatives are too far away to get her.
However, We do make it very clear that we are not a Care Home, and have no one with either the training, knowledge or wish to take on any such involvement.

Do not think we have any problems with any blurring of these lines.

Given he is assuming you will do things for him, i would rethink the visit at the hospital

If he can communicate and mentally clear, it is up to him to participate on coordinating his support network

Given the claims that the oh and daughter are not helping, i would wonder why

You don't want him to leech on you + inability to say no = recipe for disaster

Sorry, that should be might already perceive you, etc.