Is it too little to just ask…..

My father never even made a cup of tea in his life and would be shocked if he was asked to clear the table.

Surely even an academic can understand the clue in the directive - “CLEAR the table” ??!!!!

Well my DH is an academic and hates getting his hands dirty but he is responsible for setting the table and clearing it and loading the dishwasher and emptying it. He does this happily and always has.

What are you all old with me !? We train ours early …. Asked my 7 year old grandson to clear the table for me ….he cleared everything of it …. plates….condiments….table mats.,,, glasses…. Put the pot plant back on the centre , then, when I found him he was polishing table with a duster! When I congratulated him on a job well-done he said ….. “ I’ve done it at mummies since I was 4”. Well done my daughter!

Thank goodness I live alone and only do everything myself.

He is 67 so I assume he has recently retired and you now ask him to help with things he has never helped with before.

If this is so, you, not he, are being unreasonable.

Both my grandmothers insisted that salt, pepper and other condiments be removed from the table before dessert was served, and if dinner had consisted of soup followed by a meat course, that they were removed and placed on the sideboard after the meal.

My parents left the salt and pepper on the table after meals, as do my husband and I, so it is reasonable enough if your husband is confused about what you want done if he is new to the job.

I was forced to accept years ago that my MIL's way of hanging up the toilet roll was the right way (I still think it wrong) as if I hung it up as I want it, DH changes it round, saying he can't get the paper off when it is hung as I learned a toilet roll should hang.

Frankly, it is not worth making issues of these tiny details, even although they can be annoying like DH's habit of hanging his outdoor clothes on the back of a chair at the table, having just walked past the coat hooks where they should be!

My husband is exactly the same! (Also an academic). He will do jobs around the house/garden willingly and happily, but I have to point out what needs doing. He notices nothing! He stacks the dishwasher and/or does the washing up after every meal, but if I leave unwashed items on a work surface or cooker top that isn’t to the immediate left of the sink they will still be there after he’s finished. And after almost 49 years of marriage I’ve given up hoping that the worktops might get a wipe.

Often times men feign ignorance as a way to get out of doing something, repeatedly asking questions in order to irritate you. Unless they’re really stupid.

I don’t adhere to the “older generational” standards (that’s not my job, it’s woman’s work) instead have found partners, gentlemen who are willing to cook or cleanup afterwards. Those are my guys.
Cheers!
USA Gundy

I can empathise, I too am married to an academic. Clever bloke but no common sense.

It's definitely a man thing. We have a dishwasher for most of washing up. But there are always a few things that need hand washing. Usually couple of things in sink. But also a few more fragile things by draining board. DH will wash dishes in sink but regularly leaves the ones by draining board. Says he didn't see them! But surely all he has to do is glance in that direction.

That sounds very much like my son. He is gifted, but has no common sense. 6 months ago he was diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 29 years old. Through his diagnosis I’ve also realised I have ADHD too. I’m 52.

I’m not saying I think your husband has autism, but in the last few months, whilst discovering answers to questions about my own life, I’ve found there are very many people, who are much older than me, discovering they are neurodivergent because younger family members have had a diagnosis. Also because people are generally talking about their mental health and wellbeing a lot more these days.

alig99 there is another angle. When my son left home, having badly done the washing up most evenings, he shared with me that he did it on purpose, hoping he wouldn’t be asked to continue to it. He said also that it was a ‘thing’ discussed among his peers at school.
I have several high functioning academics in my wider family. I would challenge them as to the above idea, and maybe ask them if they consider adult household tasks beneath them.

NB When my DS did the washing up badly, I would quietly rinse my own cup discretely. He says now that doing the washing up he enjoys because he can put his favourite ,music up loud and clean the kitchen and does the washing up happily.

Deedaa

When I was a child I lived next door to the deputy headmaster of St Paul's School. A very clever man, if he asked you a question and you were too slow answering, he was liable to ask it again in Latin. He was completely incapable of doing anything practical. Couldn't drive a car, couldn't change a plug or a light bulb, couldn't cook a meal, or lay a table. His wife did everything.

That is not couldn’t it is wouldn’t.

If someone is intelligent then they can easily learn to cook, change a plug, lay or clear a table.

Some people act as though intelligence means they are above doing menial tasks.

Yes it does appear to go hand in hand with some kind of ASD issue also.One of my sons says i need to be 'specific' when i give instructions on things for example not just "put the bin out please"- if i want him to put a new bag in i need to say do that too! But you get the idea- i can only expect half a job if im not very specific with my instructions on what EXACTLY is required🙄

Yes i have AC like this- and i find that the ones who are acedemically bright have no common sense at all! The 2 who are more 'hands on' people have so much more actual common sense.🤷‍♀️

I think it’s a man thing

You can't generalise - it would be quite like my Dad to ask this & that would be because he was absent minded & waited on hand & foot & genuinely bemused. On the other hand if my husband asked this it would be a silent protest - he can do all the housework very well but doesn't like being asked to & will be "incompetent on purpose" every time.

When I was a child I lived next door to the deputy headmaster of St Paul's School. A very clever man, if he asked you a question and you were too slow answering, he was liable to ask it again in Latin. He was completely incapable of doing anything practical. Couldn't drive a car, couldn't change a plug or a light bulb, couldn't cook a meal, or lay a table. His wife did everything.

Maybe he just doesn't want to do it and it is a silent protest you ae not picking up on.I would ask him where he would suggest everything should go and see if he sticks to his planning.

I’m less sympathetic. I see this as an effective way of avoiding being expected to behave like an adult human

www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSj_MVUsBzg&list=RDCMUCSpVHeDGr9UbREhRca0qwsA

so he can practice

Our GC have ADHD or ADD (me too) - lack of executive skills makes tasks like table clearing difficult. Nothing to do with academics.

I lack many executive skills (adaptable thinking, planning, self-monitoring, self-control, working memory, time management, organization). Some tasks are just hard for me/ easy for others.

You’re all being had! My Darling Dad, sadly now passed, was able to clear the table to an acceptable standard but when asked to accompany my mother to help do the supermarket shop would be so irritating or get the wrong things that she stopped asking him.

humptydumpty

we avoid this by never sitting at a table to eat!

Exactly.

I would tell him, just leave the table bare, if you use a cover say just leave the cloth.