Absolutely miserable after yet another social gathering...

I too don't think you are at fault here.

Basically, your partner is feeling his age and bolstering himself up by silly remarks, jokes about his sexual attraction etc. Most men do this when they feel old and have a chip on their shoulder about it.

If you can; ignore it, It will pass.

You could stop going to these things with him, but this is really only an option if you are quite, quite sure that he is only talking and won't get off with another woman if you are not there.

The advice to get him to tell you beforehand about the people who are his particular friends is good. If this doesn't work for him or you, you could try a gambit such as, "Are you the lady who is so good at xwy?" or something similar. Or ask more forthrightly, "What do you do when you are not at the gym?" signally that you, not being a member find other things more exhilerating.

I said I don't think you are doing anything wrong, but was it perhaps not a little unrealistic to expect a conversation at a do of this kind to last for more than ten minutes? I don't think I have ever spoken to a total stranger for more than a couple of minutes at such an event, unless we suddenly discovered a mutual interest.

It takes a bit of courage, but if you feel no-one has noticed you are there, walk over to someone, patently also on their own and introduce yourself along the lines of "I'm Jane, Roger's partner, are you a member or are you like me, brought along for the occasion?"

I agree with pascal30. Find your own tribe. Join a book club or University of the Third Age or similar and give the gym bunnies a miss.

You sound very like me Teaandcakes. It took me many years to recognise and admit that I am an introvert. I dislike social gatherings, particularly when it’s all small talk. I now do not attend anything like that. My husband is a complete opposite. He is highly social and loves people interaction, which simply drains me. I do love people but in small doses and with my choice of company. I wish someone had advised me years ago that it’s ok to be who I am. Not everyone wants to party with strangers. If he haven’t already, you could read a book called Quiet by Susan Cain. Life changing. Good luck x

Hi Teaandcakes ,
I don't think that you are the only one who finds socialising disappointing . I used to be a happy go lucky social butterfly .

I look forward to going out , get dressed up and then find myself being interrogated and lectured about my father's care .

I absolutely hate it .

Now when I do my routine shop - I deliberately avoid certain people .

I like to talk about other things and forget .

In your case , your husband is causing you stress .

Either completely ignore him or do it to him and see
how he likes a taste of his own medicine .

If you love doing something -watercolours , flower arranging , swimming cake decorating -whatever indulge in your own hobby and let the silly man carry on with his crisis .

Some of my friends are going through this with their husbands .

They are tired of hearing about past sexual exploits or hearing about some attractive lady that they are plainly having erotic thoughts about .

Their husbands are poor company indoors and out .

I'm sorry to write this , but let's be frank - if he's talking like this it sounds as though he's having sexual problems - lack of arousal -failure to have an erection , maintain an erection and /or ejaculate .
And he needs to get medical advice .

Take a deep breath and develop your own interests .

Don't let him undermine you .

I too find social events extremely stressful and actually avoid as many as I politely can. After years of not understanding why, I undertook a psychology degree with the Open University. During this time and the amount of personality testing it became apparent that I am a true introvert. I'm feeling that you maybe on that spectrum too. I would recommend a book 'the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking' by Susan Cain. I found your husband's behaviour abhorrent but then his insecurities are his problem, not yours. Continue being you a good, thoughtful human being

Oooolohhhh. A walk along the beach - any day over a social. Sit down, read a book on the beach, take a coffee/ something a little stronger, walk back as the sun sets watching the waves run along the sand and disappear back into the sea.
Heavenly.

Where can I sign up?

I'm the same nw - if you're happy with a book, a walk on the beach and a glass of wine, then do it!

Sadly, I can no longer hold a book, walk further than my car nor drink alcohol, and as \I don't actually manage to 'do' anything much, neither do I have much to talk about other than my health, which is boring after the first 2 minutes!

Just enjoy doing those, while you can is my advice xx

From my experience most people love to talk about themselves and unless they are socially adept they are not particularly with you or your life! We went to a wedding recently and the man sitting next to my husband sat looking at his phone throughout the meal. My husband laughed about it and said he initially asked the general polite questions eg how do you know bride/groom, where do you live/isn’t the hall lovely etc etc and then he gave up as the man couldn’t be bothered.
You are not alone. Don’t go if you don’t know anybody there apart from your husband - he should go there by himself.

I think your partner sounds insecure and out of his depth, and probably people were trying to avoid him.

You could be right there Sara1954.

(So many posters saying 'husband' although the OP said 'partner')

Several posters have mentioned the OPs lack of confidence.
The OP said that when her husband went to look for something she scooted across to join another group of women This doesn’t sound like someone with lack of confidence.
I think your husband is rather sad and pathetic if he boasted about the non- fact that an attractive woman waved at him.

I dont think there was anything wrong with the way you interacted with the people at the gathering. Did your share of listening, made a contribution, stayed an hour and thanked the host. Job done.

Ive never struggled with social occasions or felt shy. However the older I got the more I disliked them. Ive forgotten how many I went to just for the sake of showing my face. Now that Im in my 70s I no longer make excuses about not going out. Mobility issues is its own excuse and I do what I want. I have never learned to drive so if I want to go anywhere its a taxi there and back. Another great excuse.

Nothing to do with covid. Just had my life working in customer and client facing roles and now I am just choosy who I socialise with.

We used to do quite a bit of socialising with work, including trips abroad, I stopped doing it years ago, my husband hasn’t done much since covid, we leave it all to our daughters, our son has always hated it.
Life really is too short to spend time doing stuff you don’t want to do.
I think your partner sounds insecure and out of his depth, and probably people were trying to avoid him.

It sounds like your husband has a real problem with his ageing self image which doesn't allow him to look after you socially. Poor chap, hankering after memories
If you don't have anything in common with those people just do something you do like.. It's simply not worth wasting your time if you aren't enjoying yourself, our time is limited and precious

This reminds me of golf club then late husband’s private club (when they eventually allowed women in). My solution was alcohol, which I don’t recommend if used as Dutch courage.
Crumbs, I spent so many boring evenings at his private club, and elsewhere, stuck next to bores all night at dinners.
I can do small talk and don’t mind occasions when I can float around and talk to others if not getting on with someone, but I think getting older lessens our patience and we can’t be bothered making the effort. Some people are just bl**dy hard work! Covid effects too.
Don’t bother with them, let your husband go and please yourself.

Oh gosh, I think you have a husband problem too

He is putting you in uncomfortable situations and then undermining your confidence because it sounds like he is insecure in his own aging

I can't see anything you did wrong

You don't have to answer this but is it possible he was trying to put you off a social group so that he can enjoy it alone looking for an ego boost from other women?

I don't like that kind of socialising either, but then I never have.
You seem to have lost your confidence, whereas you previously enjoyed such things, so can you identify what caused that? Your partner certainly doesn't help, does he. (sorry to be critical of him). As others have said above, you need to talk to him.
Don't put yourself through an experience like that any more.
You deserve better.

I think you need to have a chat with your husband about how insecure he makes you feel

If I were you I wouldn’t put myself through that misery.

It wasn't you. A lot of us don't want to go to big social gatherings anymore. I do think the long lockdowns have played their part. lots of us have lost the ability to small talk and we are just learning again.
I also think getting dressed for such occasions is much more difficult for women than for men.
If your husband boasts about past experiences, I would tell him about yours and tell him how he makes you feel.
Next time say no you would prefer to stay at home and see what he suggests, if he goes on his own then you, unfortunately, have a lot of heart-searching to do.
Best of Luck.

Were the others much younger than you & your partner ?

I agree with those saying your partner is a problem. His remark about being X age again wasn't sweet; he was thinking about chatting up the gorgeous women there.

Consider whether your partner is really someone you want in your life.

I think your husband wasn't actually comfortable there either!
The difference between you is that he seems to feel he should be comfortable there and I think that's part of the "going on about the past" when he assumes he would have been much more "in demand".

"Sports socials" are not for everyone. I am a gym member - I go there only to swim and am by no means fit and shapely - but I have made several acquaintances there who I'm happy to chat to (and three members I now consider to be friends). Nevertheless I would never go to the social events which would (I imagine) be rather grim.

Does the gym have a pool? Have you thought about joining for the gentle exercise in the water - which suits me fine - and you might enjoy it too.
Not at all implying you should join him there - but you may be pleasantly surprised if you gave it a go. The nice thing about swimming is the ease you can chat to regulars a bit as you swim, take a break and sit in the jacuzzi or if energetic plow up and down.

I never thought I'd say this but I am pleased I go swimming.

Going back to your husband - he can see his body doesn't match up to the body he used to have.
Poor him.
Realisation comes to us all eventually!

You are not the problem your DH clearly is you at least mingled with people you are not familiar with. Your DH dwelled on the past and talked about regrets how entertaining for you!
Tell him to go on his own when invited in future I am sure you can entertain yourself anywhere else. Even sitting reading a book with a glass of wine in hand would be better than listening to his selfish whining. Do not blame yourself it’s obvious you realised how boring he actually is and wanted conversation elsewhere. It’s just a pity the rest of the company you were in had little in common that’s not your fault either.

Two things stand out - you didn't really want to be there anyway
And your partner behaved atrociously.

Its absolutely fine, however you have been in the past, to only go to events where you absolutely feel comfy. Your are not weird nor alone in this.

Not sure what to do about your partner, as it depends on your relationship generally, but from what you say it sounded like older male trying to hang onto a self image.....

I was so glad to read this thread. I have always suspected I was a complete social misfit but now I see that others feel them same same. I too dread social occasions unless they are within my extended family or with my two close friends. Only then can I relax and either chat or simply listen to others without feeling excluded or awkward. Otherwise give me a good book any day.

I don’t want to do these things anymore, and so I don’t.
We used to have a very busy social life, lots of friends, out every weekend, but I suppose I just stopped enjoying it.
Now, when something crops up, if my husband wants to go, he’ll go on his own.
I’m still more than happy to go out with friends for supper, and we do a lot of family stuff, but the big events where you have to make an effort to meet, and be interested in people hold no interest for me.
If it’s not your thing, don’t do it, sounds like your partner didn’t make it particularly comfortable for you, so let him go on his own.