Developing a thick skin

Another group I joined (retired teachers, every other Thursday for lunch) was just ruined by a really enthusiastic, annoying member, who'd corner me and go on (and on) about her life, leaving no time for me to reply. I couldn't stand it and left.

I only have two long-term friends. They've met but don't really know each other. Most of the time, I'm happy being a loner. Any 'groups' I've belonged to at work, through activities or study haven't lasted outside that situation - probably because I don't make enough effort to keep in touch. Everyone is so busy that it's almost impossible to arrange anything.

I wish there were more 'drop in' events, though. Here, we have a local riverside picnic on the first Sunday in August (or second if it's raining). A neighbour has an open house Sunday brunch - we're welcome all morning and just take something along. I just love it as we eat well and get the chance to have a good chat - or can easily miss it if we don't feel like it. When I move, I plan to start doing it.

The crowing is nasty, but it depends how small the wedding is?

It is a minefield. - my sibs have all had limited weddings as have some offspring so personally am not upset

but my DiL couldn't understand it at all she was cross at being excluded on one occasion ie not reciprocated from her wedding

when it was perfectly normal for my side of the family.

Sheian62. Should you have started a new thread?

AIBU to be very upset with my brother, who is hosting my niece’s wedding in Greece tomorrow and I am the only one not to be invited. They messaged me to say she was pregnant but not about the wedding. My sister is going and has been crowing about it. I am so hurt and upset, as I insisted my daughter invited my brother and SIL to her wedding several years ago as they are family. However it hasn’t been reciprocated. I feel hurt and rejected, like I don’t matter. I have now blocked them on social media and my phone. I just want to cut them out of my life once and for all. I feel deeply offended. I know GN people will advise on how I cope with this. I know it could have been my niece who decided to keep the list of those invited low, but I wasn’t even told about it. I am so upset

I have a handful of very close friends. I’m in several large groups of friends, some of which include the very close friends. In the large groups there are a couple of people I wouldn’t choose to keep up with individually but get on well enough with in the group.

Quite often friendship groups are based on a common interest, rather than deep friendship.

When I had my children I lived on a new estate and we used to joke about the Baby of the Month club, a group of us, all living in the same cul-de-sac became good friends. Helped each other with babysitting, ran a common maternity clothing wardrobe, had coffee and tea parties for adult company and talk. But once we started moving out and on, we really had very little in common apart from our joint maternity and living in that cul-de-sac. I still swap Christmas cards and a letter with 2 of them, but we haven't met in years.

At another group involved with my children, I did meet someone who became a close and very dear friend, and I was devastated when she died suddenly.

I think, as with most things in life friendship is a line, not a point and friends can be both loosely held and almost a sdeep and committed as a good marriage.

No one knows all my secrets. Not even my closest friends.

We are a group of 6 who have been close friends for 50 years. We have a girls weekend 2X per year and rotate breakfast, lunch or dinner at each others homes quarterly. We vacationed together with husbands and kids and now the kids are grown with their own families and are friends, and we still all get together (40+ with families) once a year for a long weekend. We truly enjoy each other and no one ever speaks poorly of the others. I know we are an unusual bunch.

Additionally, I have one other close friend who I met at work 43 years ago. This is the one who knows all my secrets.

I’m a very friendly person but I have few friends. Those that I do have I treasure but I don’t necessarily see them much. My husband was poorly for nine years before he died and I think that made me very insular despite my outwardly gregarious personality. I tried the WI (joined the committee, asked to become the president), decided not to and stopped going almost right away. I don’t miss it and realise that groups are not for me anymore. I spend my time with my family these days and I feel that’s enough for me. My dearest friend is my sounding board for matters I can’t share with the family, she’s 20 years younger so hopefully I won’t lose her anytime soon. I’d miss her very much. I don’t think I will make more friends now as I don’t have the capacity for it now sadly. I am still very friendly and chatty though.

I don't have a close friend at all just a few acquaintances who I see from time to time. Have moved around 30 times during married life different towns, counties, countries and always perfectly content getting to know a few people and then moving on. Since retirement to rural UK DH and I have kept to ourselves and now he's passed away I'm finding it very difficult to make any friends. Everybody seems to have their own lille groups and don't welcome incomers.

There are different definitions of what a friend is.

For me it is someone that you can call at 2 in the morning for help, they can drop in unannounced and you don't mind, you know each other's innermost secrets, and they tell you what you need to hear not what you want to hear, you know that if you fall out it doesn't matter as you will be fine the next day.

I would not consider those in weekly group meetings friends, to me they are acquaintances. This is not a criticism of those that do consider them as friends, just pointing out that we have a different meaning of friend.

I have two friends and that is all I need or want.

My oldest friend I’ve known since 1958, she lives in Australia, we chat a couple of times a year, see each other every three or four years and just continue where we left off.
I have a few friends from my Aussie days but sadly we seem to be drifting apart purely because of distance. Other friends I’ve known for thirty or forty years, a big local group, our children have grown up together, we have partied together, we lunch together more recently as none like to drive at night these days. Some of us have holidayed together, some closer than others but all friends that I know I could call on if I needed them.
We also have a small group of more recent friends from our time spent living in France.
I have made some good friends on gransnet but haven’t met up with any, this doesn’t mean that I don’t count some as close friends and in fact have found it easier to confide in one or two because I don’t see them.
I’ve only ever been disappointed in one ‘friend’ who turned out to be a bit needy and had an exaggerated sense of her own importance. I don’t like the idea of ‘falling out’ with people so I just backed away. Does that make me a coward?
I do think friendship is important and good friends should be nurtured.

From an early age I discovered that although you might like someone very much, if introduced to someone else that you like, often they don't seem to get on with each other. One old friend, and a work colleague that I struck up a friendship with, appeared to dislike each other intensely. I think I'm with 'biglouis' there - one friend at a time, and no parties or group events.

I don’t know if these things fly over my head or what but fallings-out isn’t something that figures in my life. I suppose it depends on what’s meant by a group of friends. I’d say my previous book group of about ten people was a group of friends but I only saw two or three of them outside book group. Others in the group did likewise and one or two only ever met at the meetings themselves. No one ever fell out, though.

My mother was always falling out with people. She always blamed the other party but given that she was the common factor, I suspect it was her, not them. 🤔

I'm involved with several lunching groups over many years but never had this problem. Maybe I'm too insensitive to notice any rifts (if there are any). Don't think I've ever encountered this problem, thank goodness.

GrannyGravy13

Blimey VioletSky I find myself agreeing with another of your posts 🙀😹

Don't make it a habit now

Notspaghett I have known one group of friends through a special interest group for 30 plus years. Most of us have been involved with its activities or running it for most of that time.

There is a certain movement of other people coming on and off the committee and the group has eveolved and changed over the years. . I have now decided to stand down from the committee, but I will still turn up to meet for lunch before our meetings. We exchange Christmas cards and will continue to do so, even when I am less active.

I recently met f2f with a friend I hadn't seen for 47 years. Turns out we're still friends and have vowed not to leave it another 47 years till we meet again...

As a young woman I used to organise a lot of group nights out and such in work. I stopped in the final year of my employment when I was "coasting" towards leaving to go to uni. There seemed no point in continuing to build up relationships with people I was probably never goig to see again. A few years later I spoke to one of my former colleagues and he said "You took a lot of fun with you when you left" which I considered to be flattering.

Once I reached my 40s I began to step back from "group" activities and leave them to others. Even in work I have never been a team person, more an individualist. Now I would prefer to poke my eye out with a sharp stick than do something in a group.

Yes I'm lucky to have them. I don't know what I'd do without them. We've been through so much together.

I am close to my two sisters so thats enough for me.

So you do have friends. Your sisters. Lucky you. I always wanted a sister.

Depends on who you consider a friend really - I don't necessarily consider people I am in a group with as a friend, just someone I have a common interest with. My few close friends don't even know each other. We all live quite a way from each other these days and have a catch-up now and then.

People come and go, group dynamics change over the years. It's unlikely that everyone in the group will always get on. I just ignore all the drama and carry on being friendly to everyone. If people drift away I may keep in touch if we had become friendly. If things get too toxic I just drift away and find something else to do but may meet up with some of the group at other times.

Blimey VioletSky I find myself agreeing with another of your posts 🙀😹