Rude grandson

M0nica

Oddone Please stop misunderstanding me. I am not referring to autism as one shade of grey, I am using the phrase in the generally accepted meaning that something does not have a cut off point as it goes from black to white but fades from one to the other through shades of grey

I am sorry to move so quickly to dictionary definitions, but here it is

^This phrase actually originated from a popular saying which “things are not black or white”. When something is said to be in black and white, it is distinctly referring to a clear choice such as yes or no, left or right. When this is not clearly defined, then it is said to be in a grey area just because the color grey is between black of white. So when a situation is not clear as black and white, it was then said to be various shades of grey.
www.theidioms.com/shades-of-grey/ and other sites.

I do understand what that idiom means. I do understand idioms, as a general rule, unlike many on the spectrum. But thank you for the "lesson".

It’s possible your grandson may remain distant and uncommunicative, or he may improve as he becomes an adult. However if you behave as you feel tempted to, taking offence, wanting to make a point back to him, you are just making the situation worse aren’t you?
Of course you shouldn’t spend more than you can afford but why wouldn’t you continue your efforts to keep communication open and continue to show you are a gran who thinks of him and sends gifts etc on birthdays etc and wishes him well?

Welbeck A useful hint, but I am not someone who needs or wants to be constantly texting people. Most of the time I do not know where my phone is and do not hear it when it rings. I have a computer and communicate by emails from there and our landline ring can be heard all round the house.

sorry, hope i won't be deleted for being an advert.
just copied something about the function.

The Tensor processor that powers the Google Pixel 6 and Pixel 6 Pro opens up a world of new features to anyone using Google's latest phones. But perhaps none is more impressive than Assistant Voice Typing, which lets you dictate messages and emails instead of painstakingly tapping them out via an on-screen keyboard.8 Nov 2021.

some phones, you can speak what you want and it turns it into a text message.
might be easier. maybe.

I have found that knowing that I have ADHD and dyspraxia means I have a greater understanding of myself and that makes it easier for me to find ways of managing the problem. It also enabled me to be at peace with myself to know why I have specific problems.

It is trivial things like knowing why I struggle to use a mobile phone. It is not the technology, nor am I unused to using electronic equipment but mobile phones require you to have fine motor control over how you touch small keys. Fine motor control is my problem. I hit the wrong keys, use the wrong pressure and because I am bad at sequencing. My mind says enter '123'. My fingers enter 213. This is one area where understanding the problem has helped me deal with it, but texting takes me hours because I have to do it much more slowly than other people - with constant correction.

I watch other peopls fingers dancing round the keypad with awe, but I now no longer try to do the same myself because I know why I will never be able to do it.

Oldnproud

Hithere

We are not doctors to diagnose anything to anybody or explain why people act that way

What jumps out to me that of there's a diagnosis, the OP is not aware of it at all.

Have you trued getting a medical diagnosis in recent times? It can literally take years, and even then it can depend on a child's cooperation in less severe cases.

I was not diagnosed, I knew, the nuns knew. I've done well, perhaps not to others standards but I'm well pleased with my life.

One daughter was not diagnosed (albeit 50 yrs ago). Twenty years later her sister was diagnosed. I'm not sure it made any difference to their education or lives. We weren't going the prescribed drug route that others use for studying.

Hithere

We are not doctors to diagnose anything to anybody or explain why people act that way

What jumps out to me that of there's a diagnosis, the OP is not aware of it at all.

Have you trued getting a medical diagnosis in recent times? It can literally take years, and even then it can depend on a child's cooperation in less severe cases.

No one has diagnosed this child with anything Hithere, but one or two people have suggested it as a possible reason for his behaviour.

We all of us automatically try to make sense of the behaviour of people around us, if someone is crying we may think they may be sad, or been peeling onions and adapt our approach and language accordingly.

If we did not have this skill we would never have learnt how to recognise when an animal is eyeing us up for tea, or is resting after eating and is safe to walk by!

M0nica, I tend to agree there are shades of colors or shades of grey - what have you. Must be true, people react differently.

I've ADD (not autism), but as I'm elderly there was no diagnosis when I was a child. Didn't matter one bit, I knew. Sweet nuns knew, they told me to 'pay attention, concentrate' (whilst not warning other children).

We are not doctors to diagnose anything to anybody or explain why people act that way

What jumps out to me that of there's a diagnosis, the OP is not aware of it at all.

Oddone Please stop misunderstanding me. I am not referring to autism as one shade of grey, I am using the phrase in the generally accepted meaning that something does not have a cut off point as it goes from black to white but fades from one to the other through shades of grey

I am sorry to move so quickly to dictionary definitions, but here it is

^This phrase actually originated from a popular saying which “things are not black or white”. When something is said to be in black and white, it is distinctly referring to a clear choice such as yes or no, left or right. When this is not clearly defined, then it is said to be in a grey area just because the color grey is between black of white. So when a situation is not clear as black and white, it was then said to be various shades of grey.
www.theidioms.com/shades-of-grey/ and other sites.

M0nica

Oddone Autism and its characteristics, or indeed any personality characteristics are not a black and white line. They are a long shade of grey, from those who are not neurally diverse but show traits of character that are associated with a specific neural diversity lke autism, to those who have problems sufficiently severe to be diagnosed as having a specific neural diversity.

Neural diversity runs strongly in our family, autism, dyspraxia and ADHD, but we have had several members of the family, whose problems with social interactions, while not severe enough for them to be classified as having autism, are sufficient to be recognisable as associated with that problem.

Assessment systems have to have black and white lines, but life is not like that, it is all grey areas. These grey areas are the borderlines.

Oh, and the autistic spectrum isn't like a "long shade of grey". Most autism professionals now believe it's far more like a colour wheel. So a person may be less affected in one area, but far more affected in another area. So, rather than just "mildly affected", as the linear model might suggest, if they were categorised as level 1, for instance.

If he's been like this since he was a toddler why the concern now?

Just give him the usual gifts and accept that we're not all made the same.

My 14 year old GS has turned a bit surly etc etc. We just leave him to it.
Best not to get too upset

M0nica

Oddone Autism and its characteristics, or indeed any personality characteristics are not a black and white line. They are a long shade of grey, from those who are not neurally diverse but show traits of character that are associated with a specific neural diversity lke autism, to those who have problems sufficiently severe to be diagnosed as having a specific neural diversity.

Neural diversity runs strongly in our family, autism, dyspraxia and ADHD, but we have had several members of the family, whose problems with social interactions, while not severe enough for them to be classified as having autism, are sufficient to be recognisable as associated with that problem.

Assessment systems have to have black and white lines, but life is not like that, it is all grey areas. These grey areas are the borderlines.

I understand all that. I'm autistic, as is my GD (and, I suspect, my DD), I'm also being assessed for ADHD, and my son, and my partner both have ADHD. But again, one cannot be borderline autistic. That is neither a diagnosis, nor even possible. One is either autistic (and these days, that's is one of three levels), or not. Level one, which most would say (I believe, incorrectly) is the least impactful, but borderline, it's not. One can have autistic traits, and many people do, but that does not mean that they're borderline autistic.

lemsip

the fact he's been like it since a toddler just confirms it's his personality, dour!

I strongly disagree. It confirms nothing whatsoever.

Farmor15

Another one here whose first reaction was some element of autism.

Me too.
There are elements of that behaviour, present since he was very young, that strongly suggest autism and/or ADHD, and maybe Oppositional Defiant Disorder or something similar thrown in too.

Hmmm. Privately educated? Is his sister privately educated, too, and at the same school? Could it be that his private education is something to do with something like autism or aspergers or something?
Have you ever asked his parents about his/their school/s?
I'd definitely have mentioned something to the parents, if i was you, at least to your son, regarding his child's behaviour!
I wonder what he's like with his mother's family? Do they just let him hide away and play on games or whatever?
Definitely broach the subject about why your GS doesn't show his face and spend at least a little bit of time with you? If you don't, then you'll always be judging him for this behaviour when you could be made a bit more understanding and be having a better relationship with him!!!

Oddone Autism and its characteristics, or indeed any personality characteristics are not a black and white line. They are a long shade of grey, from those who are not neurally diverse but show traits of character that are associated with a specific neural diversity lke autism, to those who have problems sufficiently severe to be diagnosed as having a specific neural diversity.

Neural diversity runs strongly in our family, autism, dyspraxia and ADHD, but we have had several members of the family, whose problems with social interactions, while not severe enough for them to be classified as having autism, are sufficient to be recognisable as associated with that problem.

Assessment systems have to have black and white lines, but life is not like that, it is all grey areas. These grey areas are the borderlines.

*M0nica

Is he borderline autistic?*

There's no such thing as "borderline" autistic. He either is, or he isn't. He may be (and I hate the term), "high functioning", but that doesn't mean borderline.

Suddenly, after years of being ignored, it has become a problem and we are all wondering why.
I would try this. Give a wee card to each and all of them saying,
'Dear (or Hi) ....,
To make things easy for me, I will be getting you gift tokens from now on, instead of actual gifts. Tell me, next time I visit, which shop you prefer. Love, Gran'
See what happens. Then take it from there. Gives you a talking point, to address any issue with the Parents.
Good luck.

Friend’s son was like this, but he was just painfully shy and scared of social interaction. His parents enrolled him into martial arts. Transformed him. Perhaps feeling physically strong and secure enabled him socially. He’s now a lovely, confident young man. Worth a thought!

I have a 16 yr old grandson - privately educated too- not that that makes any difference- he’s a teenager- spends ages on devices- is pretty monosyllabic - his father (my son) was just the same when he was 16 - although didn’t have any devices of course- forgive the boy- I think it was Mark Twain who said something like ‘ it was quite remarkable how much my parents had learned by the time I was 25’ - in other words you might find a very different guy, when he reaches that great age! It will pass - also please give your grandchildren exactly the same - whatever you can afford. It’s the thought isn’t it?

Is it worth talking to his sister about him
"I find it a bit hurtful that X never speaks to me.'
'Have I done something to irritate him?' Or ' Is he like this with everyone?'