AIBU with elderly parent

Curiousdan

Thanks all. I've mentioned getting a cleaner but he goes mad! He doesn't want to pay (he gets an allowance, which would cover it) and he doesn't want a stranger in the house. In a certain way I think it might hurt his dignity. Same as above for getting a gardener

Tell him clearly that you're getting older too and you can't keep doing it all - so if he won't pay, a lot of stuff won't get done because it's getting too much for you.
Tell him exactly what you are prepared to do and stick to it.

When he locked you out, was he walking the dog then?

Thanks for all your replies.

Last year my father and I had an argument. He blocked my phone number and kept his house locked (I don't hav a key). I went on holiday at that time and while I was away he realised what he could and couldn't do on his own. So by the time I came back he'd decided to speak to me again.
Out of me and my brother I'm probably the 'lesser of two evils'. I get the feeling that he tolerates us. That sounds awful and may not be the case. I thought we were getting closer but the arguement showed me that he hadn't changed from when I was younger.
I'm the only one who can get away with touching anything in his house - my brother feels most akward there but still calls in every day with a newspaper and does small maintainance jobs (we're not allowed to get the big stuff done).
Think I have to resign myself that this is how my father is.

Please don't worry about the dog, I love him and will always look after him. He may have an allergy and I'm taking him to the vet on Monday.

Curiousdan what you are saying is that your father is not leading a life that you find acceptable. or enjoyable, but you must remember that he iis not you and the life he has now is perfectly acceptable to him and is not a lot different to the life helived when his wife was alive.

I think there is also an element of you feeling that you will be judged and found wanting if you let your father descend into the state, he would descend into if you allowed him to. I really understand that feeling, but you must let go and let him live the life he wants. he doesn't want to join things, meet people.

He is the kind of man, who if in a care home, would spend the whole time in his room, emerging only for meals, and not joining in any activities or socialising. You have to accept him as he is and leave him to it.

I agree with Allsorts.

Curiousdan, Can I just say what a very kind person you are. He sounds as if he’s given up yet he cooks and has his meals, does his own washing and if he thinks that’s all he wants to do, well he is 86 it’s his decision. If you don’t mind walking the dog and grooming him, I would continue to do that or the dog must go. Perhaps if you just left the house to crumble if he’s happier like that and stop worrying, , you say he and your mom didn’t matter with other things anyway, so it’s what he wants. I know several old people like your dad but their family gave up on them, you never will, just be there when he needs you, he’s got all his marbles. It’s so nice to hear how much you care but look after yourself and stop beating yourself up, you’ve done a good job.

What would he do if you weren't available ? Thinking holidays or illness- does he step up then ? If he does then I would definitely step back a little and let him get on. If he doesn't then I would take the dog home or arrange to have it re-homed. Then get some social care assessment and see what transpires.

You will end up running yourself into the ground if you carry on like this. Please take care not to let that happen

Sorry just read your updates so dont want my reply above to come over too harsh. I do still think you need to step back and small steps are important. But if he refuses then he refuses...so consequences for that refusal might be needed? Good luck ..I do actually know what you are dealing with, been there myself

Curiousdan

They're not in squalor because I clean the house. I walk the dog, bathe him and get him groomed. It's almost as if I run two homes! I used to tend the garden as well but that got too much to handle. We've bought him all sorts of hobby-type things but he's not interested, just lies in the chair and falls asleep in front of the TV all day. (And I feel so bad writing all of this.)

You are inadvertently de-skilling him and I suspect have been for a long time. He needs breaking out of that pattern at a level he can manage but it will take time patience and you keeping your "I'll do it" mentality very tightly under control!! He needs a reason to do nice things as well as just keep himself going too.

Agree with M0nica.

Three recommendations:

1. Encourage him to see a GP, if you can. (I realize that you have said he is not willing. I wonder if he would go if you phrased it this way: "Dad, I know that going to see your doctor isn't something you've been willing to do. However, I am worried about you because you seem to have minimal energy and I don't think you are eating properly. I'm concerned there is something causing this that the GP could help with. If you go to the GP, they may be able to do something that would help you feel better.")

2. If you're worried about the dog you need to contact the RSPCA.

3. If he's cognitively intact, the reality is that it is his right to live at risk. I recognize that this is not how you want him to live and that it is far from an ideal situation. However, it's his life.

If running his household and doing his life maintenance is too much for you, I'd recommend stepping back. You're not obligated to do for him what he won't do for himself. That's a reasonable boundary. If he wants to have a clean house, etc., there are people he can hire to do that. If he's not willing, as you say he isn't, to hire those people, it is his choice to live in a tip. That's not your problem.

If he's falling asleep all the time it could be that he's not eating properly and isn't getting the rights nutrients. Is he cooking or living on junk food?

Has he had a general medical checkup lately? Does he have prostate problems which could lead to him having to go to the loo several times a night and not getting a good night's sleep?

He does sound as if he's given up but the dog needs some care and attention.
If he really loves the dog he must make an effort to go with you to the vets and make sure he's well cared for.

At 81, fairly recently widowed, I understand the lack of get up and go exhibited by Curiousdan’s father but think the less he has to do, the less he will do, and he is being allowed to withdraw from life. He needs to go to perdition in his own way - you really shouldn’t be running two homes because he is too mean and stuck in his ways to employ some help, and I share Monica’s sentiments about the dog. He is really taking advantage of you.

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

Loving an elderly parent doesn’t mean playing it all their way. You have to look after you in order to be there for him, and I would say that being crabby is a sure sign that you are being asked to do too much.

Curiousdan

You are enabling his behavior

All the time he has you to pick up after him he won't do anything to help himself

You need to bit by bit start dropping some of your responsibilities to him and instead focus on having some quality time with him instead, visit for tea, bring cake

Give him some tools to help himself. Leave the number for a cleaner, leve some leaflets about depression etc but remember you can't make him pick them up. It has to come from him

Ultimately you are setting yourself on fire to keep him warm. This is not healthy for you

I want to be kind but the truth is I've been getting crabby lately - hence me calling out on this forum for advice.

Things my father won't do: see a GP, join a group or class, have a cleaner, go anywhere with any one for any thing, get the house sorted (crumbling plaster and broken furniture)... maybe he is happy living this way. It's me that has the problem! But I am trying to adjust my thinking.

The dog is the only thing that keeps my father going (even though he doesn't walk him etc). Think the most frustrating part is we've all been there for him since my mother died but he's waved us all away (and sometimes it has felt like a snub).

It does sound as if your father is feeling low Curiousdan would he agree to see his GP. As you are taking care of the dog it seems the rest is down to your father. You may not agree with his life choices but as you say they are his decisions to make. I can understand how frustrated you must feel.

He's 86, and doesn't feel like doing much. He coiks and does washing. Let's be kind. If he seems happy, I would let him continue as he is. Everyone ages differently.
But I would insist on getting help with the housework. And maybe organise food delivery.

Thanks for your concern but the dog is absolutely alright and I will always see that he is. I've been waking and looking after him for ten years and I love him. It's my father I'm worried about. Don't think he's happy but he doesn't seem to want to do anything that might help or interest him. And I often have to remind myself that yes he is an adult and makes his own choices.

Leave him alone. Call in socially once or twice a week, but do nothing else. Grit your teeth as the house goes to rack and ruin. It is his choice.

One of two things will happen. He will decide to do somethng for himself. Get a cleaner, get a gardener. Or he will decide he is quite content to live in growing squalor. In which case you leave him in it.

The only thing that matters, and I never thought I would ever say this, I am not an animal person, is the dog. If the dog is suffering call in the RSPCA to inspect the house and dog's routine. If they say the house is not fit for the dog then remove it and get it rehomed.

Having the dog taken may be the one thing to ginger your father up.

However, from what you say your parents were never sociable and he is quite happy on his own. It might not be your idea of an enjoyable life. It would drive me nuts, but your father is clearly content like that - so leave him to it.

The main thing to worry about is the dog (did Ireally say that)

Just stop behaving as if you’re his mother/paid carer. He’s an adult, with agency, who can live with the consequences of his actions.

Thanks all. I've mentioned getting a cleaner but he goes mad! He doesn't want to pay (he gets an allowance, which would cover it) and he doesn't want a stranger in the house. In a certain way I think it might hurt his dignity. Same as above for getting a gardener

He does sound rather down .Try and step back but get him to agree to cleaner as well as cleaning its another person to speak to .Made such a difference to my fil .A gardener for the garden
These take a load of you which will benefit you hugely.
A lot of older people don't do much it's like their world shrinks slowly .
The dog needs a walker even a few times a week so you have dad free days .That's so important you need to keep well to continue to support him .
Good luck

Mostly my parents went to the supermarket together and not much else. My father did most of the cooking and stuff. I've no doubt he's lonely but he won't even socialise with family. And tbh they didn't socialise with us prior to my mother passing. It's very sad really.

How much did he go out on his own before he lost his wife?
Maybe he depended on her to do things
Poor mobility and loneliness contribute to of his cussedness

Op

You ARE running two homes!

You can choose to stop it if it is too much for you

They're not in squalor because I clean the house. I walk the dog, bathe him and get him groomed. It's almost as if I run two homes! I used to tend the garden as well but that got too much to handle. We've bought him all sorts of hobby-type things but he's not interested, just lies in the chair and falls asleep in front of the TV all day. (And I feel so bad writing all of this.)