Forced mingling at an event.

Thank you for your update. So often we never hear the end of a story. I am glad it went so well and was not as daunting as you expected.
You have made me feel more confident to go to the function I mentioned in my earlier response to your original post.

Don't go. If its bothering you they much. I wouldn't go. I don't do things I don't want to do these days

You did really well. 👏👏That would have been my idea of hell all that organised stuff, art room, plays, having to turn and speak to the person next to you. Shudder.

Well done Frankie for attending ! It did seem to be a daunting prospect. However you went and I am pleased it went better than you anticipated.
Thank you for letting us know.

No, you are not unreasonable. Tell your husband to go on his own - the deceased was his friend after all, at at our ages, our spouses know, or ought to, or likes and dislikes.

Tell him to trot out your sincere regrets, but you are indisposed if anyone ask where you are.

Thank you for the update - always welcome! and being asked to talk to the person sitting next to you isn't as bad as 'forced mingling'.
Glad it went OK

I’ve just seen your update - well done!

@frankie51 do what you want.
The dead man will never know, and frankly he sounded like a control freak himself!

You do what’s comfortable for you- and if that means looking for someone else who couldn’t be bothered to obey the instructions and hanging out with them complaining about mingling, so be it!!

Ironically you may have made a friend for life!!

Just an update for all you lovely people who were so supportive . I did go to the event yesterday .
We were asked to sit in a room with a theatre type of arrangement for talks and videos . We then had to turn to the person next to us and chat about how we knew the deceased . I found myself talking to someone who had been at Cambridge with our friend . He was a friendly sort and I felt comfortable with him.
We had a presentation about plays our friend had directed and his life in the theatre . He had been a theatre director after retiring from performing and the theatre put on performances in a tribute to him. A choir he had formed started community singing . There were tributes from his family , close friends (including my husband). We had dinner and a ceilidh . I talked to his family members which was easy as I knew them already. So it wasn't as bad as I thought after all

I would hate this too.
My best piece of advice is to ask other people about themselves. Most people can talk about themselves forever. Just smile and nod as they chat on.......

Sorry Aldom my apologises

Follow your husband around. I'm sure the poor wife of the deceased man would understand, if she even notices!
Your husband might find someone who has things in common with you, that you could chat to easily.
Tbh, I'd hate something like this. I would have to stay with my partner or whoever I went with of I'd have a meltdown. If the deceased man knew you at all I'm sure he would have understood that you would be freaking out about it, and I'd hope he would understand.
It's not that you'd have to stop your husband mingling, just that you need to mingle with him. At least until you feel that you might like to chat with someone else or can wander off into a quiet place!

It's more comfortable to talk next to someone.
The art idea may work in your favour.

Frankie, I'm glad you had a change of heart, or at least have put on a brave face. I'm not the best at mingling, either, but if the crowd has many theatre lovers, they will be out-going and find a way to draw people out.

Being their as emotional support for your DH, and your friends family is important enough to sacrifice an amount of comfort.

Although this all sounds rather daunting to me as well, I do like the 'art room' idea.
At the funeral of one of my son's friends, who died way too young, we had something similar.
I found it quite therapeutic, although I wrote just a few words, but some loved drawing and so on.

Frankie51, can you take 2 cars so that, if needs be, you can head off home? (If you drive, that is). Good luck with whatever you decide. I can see you want to support others and remember your friend, but people shouldn’t be putting pressure on others in these situations. X

BlueBelle

ALDOM I think your husband is wrong he should mingle with you by his side then you can leave the talking to him and just smile sweetly or if you feel you can, ask a few questions, theatre people usually love talking about themselves
But do it together
Your friend wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable
I m pretty talkative but I d be shy when you’re put into a forced situation

Tell your husband you’re going to mingle together

Wrong person BLUEBELLE

Theexwife

Well, I wouldn’t go, but if you feel you have to then find a comfy chair and let people come to you if they want to.

I see it as emotional blackmail when someone has died and they make requests they want everyone to follow, knowing it is difficult for some to refuse, I still would they will never know.

I see it as emotional blackmail when someone has died and they make requests they want everyone to follow, knowing it is difficult for some to refuse, I still would they will never know.

I imagine the deceased had no idea that for some, 'mingling' to order can be quite daunting. And, if you are the partner of the person who was close to the departed, your 'role' is more of a support perhaps, where the close friend will be familiar with many of those present.

I hope it all goes well anyway, for all of them - as well as Frankie.

There is going to be a art room for people to draw pictures, write poems , to go in a scrapbook . I love drawing .

... and those extensive grounds.

I see two immediate escape routes!

Good luck!

Well, I wouldn’t go, but if you feel you have to then find a comfy chair and let people come to you if they want to.

I see it as emotional blackmail when someone has died and they make requests they want everyone to follow, knowing it is difficult for some to refuse, I still would they will never know.

the extensive grounds sound good; you could pop out, wander around, find somewhere to sit outside.
if anyone approaches you, just say,
i've stepped out to have an imaginary cigarette.
look after yourself.

Remember everyone has been told to mingle so you can safely walk up to anyone and say 'I am Frankie, who are you? and once they tell you plie them with questions aout them and their work. All of them will love having a willing audience.

However, I have a sneaking suspicion that after about half an hour, people will be drifting back to those they know and you can drift back and tuck yourself under your husband's wing, and I mean that in a really nice sense.

Funerals are becoming increasingly more elaborate aren't they ? I'm sure it helps people through their grieving process especially when the person died too early. The celebration of someone's life is a lovely idea. I hope it helps our friend's partner who is so devastated by the loss still .

Thank you all so much. I feel much better about going. There are a lot of wise words and great suggestions here!. I like the empty chair one too.
I sat my husband down today and we talked about it properly. Yes he is grieving . He was very emotional . They had been close friends for nearly 40 years and spoke weekly. We used to see him every Christmas and several times during the summer and always went to his theatrical productions . My DH says he is feeling rather daunted too but has been invited as one of the 5 speakers . You are all quite right , people will end up forming groups with their friends and family. I can always seek out our friend's mum. We get on very well. I do know one or two other people . I could always offer to help his partner who is probably overwhelmed . We have been keeping in touch since the funeral. There is going to be a art room for people to draw pictures, write poems , to go in a scrapbook . I love drawing . The ceilidh should be fun . There's also a gallery of our friend's artwork , and photographs .

If they are all theatre folk they will love talking about themselves any way, have a few stock questions , how did they meet your friend, you can tell them how you met, what he was like when you met him. I am sure you won't be the only one with issues as everyone is getting older , find a chair plonk yourself down and leave them come to you. If you feel restless after an hour or so go for a little bit of fresh air , come back and start again. If Dame Judi Dench is there she has eyesight problems too, you don't need to recognise everyone, if someone looks familiar but you don't recall their name it is quite acceptable to ask.