Sorry for the long post
I’m a 57yo widow with 3 adult children all in their late 20’s/early 30’s, all of them have children.
My DH died 3.5 years ago, just before lockdown, from a heart attack. He was 55 and up until then, healthy - it was a huge shock for us all.
Digressing a bit - our marriage wasn’t easy when the kids were little. We both worked, but he did absolutely none of the raising of the kids. I did everything - cooking, bedtimes, cleaning, story time, school run, nativities etc. He would play dinosaurs or some fun game for 30 minutes of an evening and they thought he was the best thing ever while boring mummy was always cleaning. I used to beg him to chip in more but he refused - he was a bit of a chauvinist and I never left because, well, frankly I didn’t want the kids to be from a broken home. This is probably the story of so many women my age. I really hid, and still do hide, just how awful, lazy and unkind he could be. He was rubbish at parenting - the 30 minutes of being a dinosaur on an eveNing was usually too much for him. I did it all - the emotional and physical labour. He was tight with money, always treated himself and never me (my wages went into the many thing he didn’t realise kids cost such as sports clubs, shoes, school uniform etc). Even after I had major surgery I was still expected to pack lunches and do laundry - even when my stitches burst as a result. He just found it all very annoying that I wasn’t doing better at ‘Mumming’ even when on death’s door. He had some truly horrible moments. Anyway, it got better after the kids left home and we really found our spark again. But I would never, ever want my kids to be treated the way I was and in hindsight genre was too much I put up with.
This is relevant because they have always, but especially since his death put him - and our marriage - on a pedestal. They always talk to their partners about how me and DH were ‘couple goals’. My DD2 tells her boyfriend (who she met after DH died) that we were the perfect couple. I can only say I must have hidden our problems well for them to think that.
Anyway, I haven’t dated since his death. I’ve thrown myself into looking after my 5 grandchildren (I work PT 2 days a week and the other 3 days I have the 3 nursery aged one so my DC can save on childcare fees) which I absolutely love. I also do a lot of sleepovers so my kids can have date night. I am close to my DC and their partners, they all moved back home with me for the 1st lockdown as we’d just lost DH and we all really needed that time together. After they moved out I did feel lonelier than I thought, and have relied on friendships for company. As well as doing childcare, I help all the DC financially in various ways, including paying nursery fees for 2 DGC on days I work, DD1 gets money every month as something of an early inheritance and they’ve all had deposits/weddings etc paid for. Which I really don’t mind doing, especially as they always make the effort to see me.
Anyway, 6 months ago I ran into a man I haven’t seen in two decades. We were colleagues and really good friends. It was platonic as we were both married. We naturally drifted apart after he left the company. But running into him, there was a real spark and he has somehow got even better looking than he was. he’s been divorced a few years now and so we met up for a drink….and the rest is history.
Honestly, even for DH, I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way. DP is kind, attentive, generous and we have a really good laugh - and fantastic sex, something I was worried I’d never find again. I’ve been happier in these last six months than I have for a very, very long time. We have said we love each other and we both want a future. I never want to be married again but I would like to live with him at some point. He has an adult DD, who I’ve met and she is really lovely and supportive of us. I feel so lucky to find this happiness after a huge loss. I feel like I’m 20 again!
I hadn’t told my DC - which isn’t ideal. But I wanted to just enjoy my new relationship for what it was without worrying about upsetting other people or without other people’s opinions. My friends have met DP and think he’s amazing. I feel no guilt at all - had I been the one to die 3.5 years ago, DH would probably have had a new girlfriend and moved her in within six months! I also think my marriage was so, so hard and hate-filled at times that I deserve to have an easy and loving relationship.
Anyway, DP was staying over one night last week. I WFH, so does he, so on the night before my working days (ie when I don’t have the GC the next day) he will stay the night and work in my spare room the next day.
So it was 8am and we were both in our nightwear (me in an oversized shirt thing and him in boxers) having coffee in the kitchen. In walks DD1 with DGC. She’d tried to contact me to say DGC was ill and couldn’t go to nursery and would I have her. My phone was upstairs so she just brought her round (she has a key) and saw me and DP.
I knew the kids wouldn’t take it well but to say that what followed was total pandemonium would be an understatement. You’d think I’d been caught cheating. DD1 hit the roof. DP left (at my request) and DD1 called DS and DD2. Before I knew it they both came over (you’d think they’d have bloody work to do!). DS was actually crying at one point. I explained what had been happening and why I didn’t tell them. They saw it as cheating on their dad. Which is ridiculous. DD2 was completely repulsed that I was sexually active at ‘my age’. They couldn’t understand how I could do this when I’d had such a good marriage. Probably because I was being defensive and I felt they were ganging up on me, but I told them that our marriage wasn’t perfect and he could be really unpleasant actually and the only reason they don’t know that is because I protected them from it. Not a very wise move, but I just got sick of the same old ‘perfect marriage’ shite
I have no expectations of them meeting DP anytime soon, I told them that, but I was clear: this is MY life and I will love whomever I choose and what I do in the privacy of my own home is my business. I explained they all had their partners, their lives and little families but they forget that I have been lonely and could spend another 40 years on this Earth and I don’t want to do that alone.
They absolutely cannot see reason. They have thrown back in my face the fact they lived here during COVID to support me. They said it felt like I was cheating on DH. They said they can’t, and never will, accept I have a DP. They’ve said I’ve ‘suddenly decided DH was horrible’ and that my new DP must be planting this idea in my head because they’d never heard me badmouth their dad before. DS even messaged me yesterday to say he’s so against me having a new DP that he ‘doesn’t want to make me choose’ but he ‘feels it’s getting that way’ and his sisters agree. Mind you - it didn’t stop all of them dropping their kids off here for childcare this week. When they do drop them off, they barely look at me let alone speak to me. DS’s lovely wife has been great and thinks he’s being a dick (and has told him as much) but sadly it’s not enough to help him see how awful he’s being to me. I have no idea what my SIL’s think but according to DD’s they’re in agreement with them.
I do get they’re still grieving - I really do. But this is nothing to do with their dad. They have no right to make me choose or make me feel bad.
DP has been amazing through all this - he is happy to take it as slow as I want but at the same time he’s obviously feeling really disgusted with their behaviour and is defensive of me and he isn’t saying that but I can feel it.
Anyway - AIBU to refuse to give up my relationship if my DC give me an ultimatum? I feel bullied. Their dad used to bully me with manipulation sometimes and it makes me physically sick that they take after him that way. I would of course (hypothetically) be heartbroken to lose them and DGC - but I really feel like this ultimatum is calling my bluff. I really can’t see them following through for more than a couple of days - then they will need childcare/money/a favour/a lift. It seems THEIR love is conditional except all the conditions fall on me and not them. And the conditions are that they get everything from me and I forgo my right to a private life of my own.
I’m utterly heartbroken. what the hell do I do?
Dickens
Madgran77
but we are ALL entitled to choose how we share our information about ourselves and our lives. That includes AC to parents AND parents to AC!!!
Perhaps the most profound observation on this so far. Well said.
Thankuou \Dickens!
Wishing you all happiness with your new love, EHM.
Your AC ought to be delighted for you.
But... think carefully about marriage and the financial implications.
I think it was probably a shock for your children to realise you had a life they didn’t know about, and a gorgeous man to share it with. I hope they come to realise that you deserve to be happy and a happy mum makes for happier children. Good luck with the relationship and I hope you have lots of very happy years together.
You’ve spent your adult life doing your absolute best for your children. Now they must complete their growing-up and accept that you, their mother, are a real-life woman with many years ahead of you, and as entitled as they are to enjoy life. It takes absolutely nothing away from them.
Things often don’t go the way you would ideally like them to go, and that’s another lesson for them to learn - to get over life’s knocks and shocks and move on. It’s time they all grew up.
Enjoy life and don’t waste it feeling guilty.
Hi Maureen. I Just want to support most of what has already been said and wish you and your DP well, you deserve it.
Hope the family meeting goes well, hold your ground, it’s your life and your children have to accept you have choices as do they.
Madgran77
but we are ALL entitled to choose how we share our information about ourselves and our lives. That includes AC to parents AND parents to AC!!!
Perhaps the most profound observation on this so far. Well said.
EverybodyHatesMauree
n Thank you everyone.
I think calling a family meeting might be a good idea. I will say if they want to ditch me that’s their prerogative but I am continuing my relationship, of which I have no expectations from them other than ‘don’t give me a hard time’, and I will always be there for them and the GC but I’m reclaiming a lot of my weekends.
... you can do no more than that 'Maureen'. It's a sensible and logical thing to do.
How they handle it is up to them - as adults. It might have come as a shock - a shock that you had a private life - but they should be able to get over it and understand that you are more than the sum total of mother and grandmother.
I wish you all the happiness in your new relationship. Life is hard enough as you get older, so it's good to have an understanding and reliable partner to share the ups and downs.
* Dickens Remember all the advice given to grandparents when their adult children have children of their own?.. their life, their rules? Well the same principle her home her life. She doesn't have to get their permission to live it how she sees fit.*
Spot on!! Adukts are adults whether in the context of AC or gge context of parents of AC!
Hithere
Adults will struggle- whether you like it or not
You cannot save your kids from that and you should let them handle that
They chose to have kids - they have to handle all aspects, financial included.
They will cope and handle it very well
Let them fly
Helping them financially is NOT stopping them flying if all are truly happy with the arrangement. We can all choose to spend our money as we wish.
Callistemon21
Maureen if I were you I'd ignore the remarks about unhealthy behaviours
It was uncalled for and very unkind.
Yes it was!!
Hithere
Why financing childcare for their AC, financially and babysitting?
Why hiding she met a new partner?
I don't see that as healthy behaviours
1. Presumably financing to help out if they cant afford it. IF she imposed entitled expectations as a result of the financing, THAT would be unhealthy. But the OP has said nothing that suggests she has entitled expectations as a result of paying!
2. She has explained why she did not tell them immediately! Her reasons were not unhealthy! The choice MIGHT have been the wrong one as it turns out but we are ALL entitled to choose how we share our information about ourselves and our lives. That includes AC to parents AND parents to AC!!!
Hithere
Why financing childcare for their AC, financially and babysitting?
Why hiding she met a new partner?
I don't see that as healthy behaviours
Why hiding she met a new partner?
Perhaps she wanted to tell them when she was ready to talk about it?
Meeting and getting to know a new partner takes time - he's not a purchase you suddenly bring home.
I don't see that as healthy behaviours
She is an adult with agency over her own life. Once children become adults themselves and leave home, they lead their own lives, as do their parents.
Remember all the advice given to grandparents when their adult children have children of their own?.. their life, their rules? Well the same principle applies... her home, her life. She doesn't have to get their permission to live it how she sees fit.
NotSpaghetti
I don't consider it cheating- but adult children probably would. That's what I meant.
Sorry just seen your explanation ...please ignore my question above! 😏
Smileless2012
What an awful situation to be in EHM, I'm so sorry and am also sending you a virtual hug.
Your AC are being unbelievably selfish and immature and rather than resenting this new chapter in your life, should be pleased that you have found happiness and a new love.
IMO this isn't about their grief, it's about their desire to keep everything the same because it suits them to do so. Perhaps they worry that you wont be so available to provide all the support your currently give to them and your GC.
TBH, if my son had told me he didn't want to make me choose, I'd advise him to think very carefully before issuing that ultimatum because he may not like the choice I make.
It is perhaps unfortunate that you hadn't told them about your DP before the relationship was discovered, but I suspect you anticipated a negative reaction, although not one as bad as it's turned out.
You're 57 and have many years ahead in which to enjoy your life which you are entitled to do. I hope when your AC have calmed down they'll see how childish and OTT their reaction has been.
If you give this man up and were to meet someone else in the future, I suspect the reaction from your AC would be the same. You've raised your family, lost your H their father and now it's your time to make a new life for yourself.
I wish you all the luck in the world.
I agree with every word above! Wise comment Smileless
The truth is, you have been caught cheating.
Why is this cheating?
The jaw dropping nerve of these grown up offspring is unbelievable. I assume they get EHMs approval for everything they are planning on doing before they do It! If not then they have to if they expect their mother to get their approval of what she is doing. Otherwise it is called hypocrisy! And to read there are some on here actually agreeing that these adults are entitled to castigate their mother beggars belief. You’ve served your time as a mother and wife and now it’s your turn so grab happiness with your new friend and see where it goes! I’m beyond envious and know if I were in your position my kids would say go for it mum because that’s how they’ve been brought up. They live their lives and we live ours.
I think it’s worth mentioning that for all his faults my DH would not have wanted me to be lonely. He did talk about these things and we both know people who’ve been widowed and martyred themselves to loneliness and we both said we wouldn’t want the other to do that
Maureen, I’m a widow too and if I wanted a partner I’d have one, regardless of what AC said. You have one life and you need to live it. My kids are always saying to me to get on with life and do things for myself. That’s what you need to do, they will get over themselves eventually when they realise they are being unrealistic.
Maureen my husband made me promise to live my life to the full. I couldn't do that until I moved here . And now I do. I love this new and improved me.
You must live your life to the full your way. Your children live theirs.
If you do call a family meeting and they gang up on you then tell them to leave . You are their mom and not a punching bag.
I hope you have a long and happy relationship with your partner. And do things that you want to do together. Time to put yourself first and if it's true love then be happy you have the chance. And enjoy every minute as none of us know how long we will live. No what ifs grab life with both hands and have a ball.
Maureen, I suggest you give your AC this thread to read, especially your first post which, under the circumstances, was very honest and very measured. I hope for their sakes they decide to grow up and see sense. You have every right to a full and happy life and are so, so lucky to have been given a wonderful second chance at happiness, your DP sounds like a saint but could well lose patience in the end which would be a tragedy for both of you. Revel in being happy, you have done your bit for your children and now it is your time. If they can’t see that and be happy for you then that is their problem, don’t make it yours. Make some lovely weekend plans with your fella and let your AC sort themselves, their finances and their child care out. Have fun, you deserve it.
Thank you everyone.
I think calling a family meeting might be a good idea. I will say if they want to ditch me that’s their prerogative but I am continuing my relationship, of which I have no expectations from them other than ‘don’t give me a hard time’, and I will always be there for them and the GC but I’m reclaiming a lot of my weekends.
I wish you well OP, enjoy life with your new man, and do something together every other weekend.
Your Adult children have more to lose than you if they decide to dig their heels in, and interfere with your relationship in a negative way.
Your children overreacted and perhaps it didn’t help that you suddenly told them they hadn’t had the perfect father and you the perfect husband. Give them time to give their heads a wobble but carry on as you are. GoMaureen and have a great life with your DP!
Adults will struggle- whether you like it or not
You cannot save your kids from that and you should let them handle that
They chose to have kids - they have to handle all aspects, financial included.
They will cope and handle it very well
Let them fly
So many supportive posts. Most sincerely wishing you well with DP = and hoping your children gradually realise that you are allowed to make your own decisions.
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