Family who don’t bother

Another one saying just leave it be. The partner may be just overwhelmed - or bored - by a large and close family. Your brother may be no longer interested in it, especially if family get togethers are more about the family than the individual, which can be oppressive.

My husband’s brother rarely answers emails and we meet every 10-15 years if we are lucky. The last time we met we said it was probably our last visit to the uk. He didn’t even invite us to his home but met us in a cafe for an hour. They have never had a fight , he is just uninterested in us and totally apathetic. I don’t care but it hurts my husband that he is like this. If we ask after our nephews he doesn’t answer though we have found that they are both successful Oxford graduates and one is married - through internet connections. We have just come to accept it over the years, they obviously have no family feelings whatsoever .

Just because they don’t want to socialise with the family that doesn’t mean that your brother or his family are unhappy. Lots of people like to keep theirselves to theirselves, nothing wrong with that , sometimes it’s better to be independent as they are .
Leave them alone , how they conduct their lives is really none of your business. Just accept that your brother obviously thinks differently to yourself.

They are not married, only engaged, have a child together. Will you be upset if you or your mother are not invited to the wedding? That will give you a huge insight into your brother's view of his relationship with your family. He doesn't make any effort to keep contact, yes, he may have a controlling fiancé but he can leave, no marriage to undo if he wasn't prepared to put up with the situation. Seems the old adage of you can pick your friends but not your relations applies. Leave him to his life.

Some families for whatever reason don't have a need to be in the family fold your brother and partner may be one of those. It's probably not anything to do with you and I wouldn't concern my self about it.
My husbands sister and family are like that but from time to time they will ring and have a chat and nothings changed.
Just get on with your life and don't worry.

Families are odd thngs.
My daughter - I'm lucky to see once or twice a year
My son, calls in, or texts practically every day, even when I tell him not to worry as I know he and his partner are busy people.
She's equally caring and very kind. A lovely couple.

Seems a shame the you g cousins don’t connect, maybe they’re too young.
What about hand written letter from your youngsters to theirs may encourage cousins to connect.

I don’t see my sons and grandchildren a lot. I had shoulder surgery and one son only came to me once in 3 months, he never asked if I needed anything at all. What is wrong with them.

Just keep in touch periodically,so he knows you care as he is not actually married maybe it won’t last for ever or they may just be very busy & happy doing their own thing——-if they work full time & have hobbies at the weekends time flies by,also usually women make the social arrangements & if she has decided to avoid family due to her experiences that’s what’s happening.

I was saddened to hear your story. It tugged at my heart strings. It reminded me of a similar even more serious situation I too have, living here in Toronto (I am English, from Yorkshire). I am Nana to 2 lovely granddaughters, who get along with me and my eldest daughter (who lives with me) extremely well. We have not seen our 'girls' in a year now. It started a few years back, even before pandemic. My youngest daughter, their mum, is just 'so busy.' We used to spend every Christmas together - the past 4 never! Being "too busy", I have to tell you is not an excuse or a polite answer. My daughter never returns calls, and now she never calls. I believe their household environment is just disorganized. It was always like 'chaos' at their house whenever we did get to visit or attend functions. What really hurts about this neglect, is that my daughter was always on the phone, keeping us up to date on what is happening. She would call and talk for hours. Then, we realized it was always when hubby was not home. One day I came to realize this and it was whenever she had a problem and needed to talk to me. When we were all living together, the 3 of us, this daughter was always in my pocket and always did things with me. I believe some people just cannot be loyal to more than one person at a time, but there is more to it I am sure. They obviously do not do family life so well. Theirs is always a chaotic household and noisy. She never grew up this way. They need to think about the children, my grandchildren. I have only seen Zoe once since she was 10 and she will be 13 on October 20th. My son-in-law is a systems engineer. He earns more money than some physicians. He is mostly working from home but does get to travel. The 2 of them have travelled the world since they met. Too many of the young people have more money than sense now. We used to living in a kind of pecking order, a cycle of life experience before, where the next generation would profit from the hard work of their elders, their ancestors and they needed to work their way up. That's all gone, in this materialistic world. Sorry, I get quite emotional on this topic. Btw, I still work and have been a mover and shaker myself. But I always remember family. I am very patient and perhaps even too tolerant sometimes. This is a sad situation when your family is are influenced deeply by their home environment and cannot take time to remember their kith and kind. We don't have another family here now, or other relatives to back up on the problem. If we did, I would encourage them to all tackle this issue with us, together; go and meet with the ones who ignoring them. Kind regards to you all.

Your brother is a grown adult doing as he wishes. Leave him be.

If they are busy and do not realize, that is no excuse. They are plain rude, thoughtless and self-centred. We English used to pride ourselves on our good manners. Has that all gone the North American way, by the wayside now, I wonder?

i tried for around 5 years to 'connect' with a difficult family member,was it worth it? no, would i do it again ,no.It is not normal behaviour on their part, give up, if they want to come round let them if thy don't leave them alone.

My son got into a relationship with what seemed a lovely woman and she was when she was at my house and pregnant with my granddaughter. Then he moved in with with and that’s when it changed. He hardly visited if he did she was always on phone. Me and his brother had to book an appointment to visit. She would time him leaving work you get the picture. I noticed he was losing weight and he popped into work one day to see me and I said to him you will always have a bed at my house until my last breath. He said I’m fine but we knew he wasn’t few days later he came home with what he could carry. That’s when I saw bruises. Both my sons were taught not to lift your hands to women. We never expected to be the other way. She was a control freak. In the process of him leaving we lost contact with my granddaughter. That was 7yrs ago he’s getting married in July next year. She is definitely nothing like his ex. I’d say don’t lose touch with your brother if he replies or not he still knows you are there. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

You've done your best Beth.
It's not what you want but if it were me I would give up trying.
For whatever reason there might be for not wanting to be involved in family, I think you have to accept it.
Just send birthday and Christmas cards with a little note to say you think of them and hope they are all well and that they are welcome anytime.
Sometimes people keep problems to themselves.
People with anxiety and depression just want to be left alone.
Some have controlling partners.
Just keep it simple.

By constantly contacting them - and you know what the answer will be - you’re only making matters worse.

Give up on this. Your brother is an adult and has chosen this life. At least for now. You don’t know what the future holds.

Also tell mother that you will no longer pursue this. If you’re doing this to soothe her, you’ve tried. Now you’re done.

Send birthday, Christmas cards if you wish but do not write pleading sentiments. The more you do the further away you’re pushing him.

Sometimes silence is the answer - you don’t want to burn the very last bridge. He knows where to find you if his circumstances change.
USA Gundy

Wouldn't bother. Your brother may be happy but I guess he's sleepwalking to the tune of his fiancee. It happens frequently - many men surrender social responsibility, family ties and who know what else to the woman in their lives. This is probably because they think they are doing the 'right' thing. That's what my eldest son was thinking, apparently, when he sort of disappeared from me with his cold, manipulative, controlling wife. Now thankfully he's left her, and sees things very differently. Your brother may wake up, or he may be happy anyway. Very little can be done I feel, in these situations.

I think there is heartache in a lot of families. I had it from one of my children from age 14, then from one of my grandchildren from age 14 to 22.

Seems to me they don’t want to be involved or are interested
In keeping in touch
There choice! So why keep pushing them into a relationship they obviously don’t want ?

The old saying, ‘A son is a son till he takes a wife.’ is often very true.
My brother was difficult his entire life, with a chip on his shoulder, which was only made worse when he met his wife, who in spite of being welcomed into the family, and actually being quite spoiled in many ways, decided to use her power over my brother, to create a family split, which lasted until my parents’ deaths. What the two of them put our parents and us through, would fill a book with very unpleasant reading and I feel intensely bitter about it, even though my brother has now passed on himself. Sadly, my mum just gradually had to accept the situation and make the most of what she had with the rest of the family, but I know it broke her heart.
Sometimes keeping yourself right and considering your own life and feelings, is the only option and I’ve found letting go of the stress of it all, is by far the best way forward…you can only do so much giving, if others are not prepared to give a little back.

Your brother wants different things than you do, including what kind of relationship he has with extended family. That’s okay.

Work on accepting what is, rather than worrying about what you think it ought to be.

stop wasting time and emotion trying to make your brother have the relationship with his family that you think he ought to have and leave him to have the one he has clearly chosen

I wish I had the courage to say this to my parents (really my mother) when I was younger. I have never been a one for "family life" and "family occasions". My life has been filled with a demanding career/improving my qualifications and other priorities. My mother was never able to accept this. She pushed me away by making my sister the golden princess when we were little. Then she had to live with the consequences when I left home to become a fully fuctioning adult who did not need to run to momma.

There are people who find family life and relatives constantly hanging onto them to be suffocating. Cards/gifts/birthdays etc are all demands that they may not wish to become entangled in.

Our DS has had 2 long term relationships and had a son, now 18, with one of them. DGS lives with him. Neither of the two women ever introduced us to their families and the mother of DGS only invited me to her home once and briefly after they separated. We always engaged with them both and saw them out and about or at our daughter's when we went South to visit. The second one did not engage with DGS and never invited us to her home. DS is now in his third relationship with a very nice woman and we find we are the ones struggling to engage with her although she is very nice; largely, I think, because we were shielding during the Pandemic and then most of last year with Covid and for 3 months this year with a mystery virus. The house has silted up with hard to shift stuff as well and the garden is neglected as DH has been below par for 3 or 4 years now and I don't know where to start to get it sorted. We are both going through health assessments... me for a double hip replacement and DH is going for chest X-Ray next week. Everything just seems a bit too much for us these days..... Just content to be in each others' company.

I come from a large family - 6 siblings, all with children plus countless cousins living nearby. All in each other's lives. I moved away to have my own life and escape the criticism of everything I did because it wasn't what most people did. There are a number of people in my family who think that because they are related to someone they have the right to speak their mind i.e. criticise. Not that they are not nice people because they are, just a bit overpowering. It has always been difficult for people marrying into the family - they don't understand the family jokes, the constant mickey-taking, and the relationships. Anyone who likes a peaceful life (like me) would find it very hard indeed to be thrown into it. Anyone who already suffers anxiety may find it impossible.

I agree with Soozikinzi you need to accept the relationship as it is for the time being. Don't try and second guess how things are with them, they are obviously more comfortable with limited family contact.