Equal treatment at different ages.

What a wise woman your mother was, Cabbie, and what a lovely memory.

When I was about 10 and my sister was 12, we both entered a competition run by Cadbury’s. We both completed the comp successfully enough to get some chocolate, but the top prizewinners’ names were then drawn out of a hat. She won. She was not better than me, just luckier.
The prize was a tennis racket, press, cover, balls. I wasn’t bothered about them, she was delighted. The prizes were presented in Birmingham, in a posh department store, including a four course lunch. Free first class rail travel for my sister and my mum. My Dad was away working, so my mum bought an extra second class train ticket and my sister and I travelled together in first class just behind the driver. My mum bought her own meal in the same restaurant and I sat with my sister for the posh meal.
So in a way my mum found a way to treat us both fairly, but not equally, as she did not buy me a tennis racket. It was a lovely day, and I applaud her thoughtfulness and unselfishness.
What a lovely memory from a very long time ago.

Please come back Valeriekent and explain what your son and daughter-in-law have actually said about this.
Thank you.

Being treated equally doesn't mean being treated the same. If you gave 4 people a packet of nuts each in the interest of equality and treating everyone the same but one person was allergic it would not be appropriate. So you do need to make adjustments. In your case I would just send congratulations as an acknowledgement of the success to the 10 year old.

I agree don’t leave one out I used to treat my children for an achievement and do the same with my grandchildren.

There should be no question - the 10 yr old WON her prize for the extra, winning effort.

The 6 yr old should never expect free money for something he did not participate in. He will have his chance to be a champion in due time, and no one will be able to take that away from him. He has to learn this early. DIL is wrong to have them share equal praise if only one accomplished something.

I think you have to respect the parents' wishes but it is rather sad and potentially damaging that children are being brought up to think that life is always fair and that everyone is always treated equally. They are in for a shock fairly soon. It is also likely to cause jealousy, ironically, as the children are not encouraged to be pleased for the other person. I always felt that this was one of the benefits of my having three children (even more for families with more than three children) because it was simply not possible for each child to have the same as the others all the time but they knew that they would have their turn in due course. They knew that they would be treated fairly but not necessarily at the same time. Sharing was encouraged. It seems such a shame that the older child cannot have her moment of glory celebrated on her own.
As others have already said, the younger child, at the age of six, is perfectly old enough to understand that it is her sister's chance to shine on this occasion and to be pleased for her because she can be sure that when it is her turn the same will be true for her.

If the parents don't want you to do it, don't do it.
As for preparing kids for the world, yes ofc, but also each generation changes the world. Whether for the better or worse will always be a matter of opinion. Should those who win get all the rewards? Should those who struggle always be bottom of the heap? There are many ways to look at these things.

I was never given anything by my parents for winning prizes. I didn't expect it. What about children who never win anything even though they try? Presents or treats from your parents or your gran should be free just because they love you for yourself not something that depends on you achieving anything. And children should be treated equally so they know they are loved equally whatever their individual characters and qualities

I think you could buy a lovely card and say how proud you are of her...

Valeriekent
Could you perhaps 'collude' with the 6yr old and make a card then choose a little treat together for the 10yr old?

What's the harm in having a family celebration to celebrate the elder child's achievement? If you're not loaded, a tasty cake would be appreciated, if you can afford it then take everyone, or both children, out for a meal. The little one can see the sibling's achievement is being celebrated but it's a fun family affair. You could always toast the success with orange juice or something?

I don't treat my GCs equally but I do try to treat them appropriately. There are 6 children in my older daughter's family, they each get a present on their birthday and they get a present at Christmas. When they were little I bought them what their parents said they would like, not always of the same value. These days they prefer cash, so it's easy to give the same amount to each. However, when they have reached significant birthdays eg 17 (for driving lessons), 18 and 21 I have been a lot more generous. However, I wouldn't go against parents wishes, not worth the hassle!

With a 6 and 10 year old there are going to be things the younger one will have to wait their turn for over the next few years.
First mobile phone? Often a rite of passage on starting high school round here.
Driving lessons? A car?

The younger child is not being prepared for real life.
The older one could well get fed up with the younger one coasting along and getting the rewards they haven't earned themself.
The younger one isn't being taught anything about effort and reward. The outside world is going to come as a nasty shock 😥
In trying to be fair to both children, the parents are actually not being fair to either 😕

Valeriekent

So I think I am writing this as I would like opinions. My son and DIL are set on on treating the GC as equals, they are 6 and 10. I do respect this mostly. However the 10 year old has won a competition and I want to congratulate her and give her a small financial reward. I am pretty sure I will get into trouble and the younger one will complain. How best to handle this ?

So you say your son and DIL are set on treating the GC as equals, so do you not need to give a small financial reward to all four people?!

I have given up trying to make sure they get equality, it was tiresome, I now send a WhatsApp message with emojis and that's it.

Shelf life totally agree , my sons in laws buy present for all 4 grandchildren when it’s one of the children’s birthdays . I don’t agree a birthday should be special and children need to realise that sometimes they don’t be getting things

4allweknow

Surely if someone, even a child has done something well it isn't wrong to reward them. To treat both the same is wrong. Wonder how the parents will treat them if one is excellent at school and the other not such a high achiever. We are not all equal, tough life out there. A not too elaborate gift to acknowledge GDs achievement with a very small gift to the younger to include her in celebrating her sister is reasonable to me.

At school my parents rewarded the effort and not the outcome. After exams and similar, the whole family went out to celebrate the hard work that the exam taker had put in and the fact that the stress was now over. Of course good results got a "well done" but not gifts or rewards. We are all high achievers and remain close siblings.

Babyshark

I don’t agree with parents rule, but you need to follow it.

Yes, this. It's not your job to go against their wishes. Just a card maybe?

Surely if someone, even a child has done something well it isn't wrong to reward them. To treat both the same is wrong. Wonder how the parents will treat them if one is excellent at school and the other not such a high achiever. We are not all equal, tough life out there. A not too elaborate gift to acknowledge GDs achievement with a very small gift to the younger to include her in celebrating her sister is reasonable to me.

I agree you can find a way of celebrating the win in an inclusive way but I don't agree with the parent's rule.
There is only a 22 month difference in age between my children yet the older one got to stay up just a little later than the younger - I deliberately differentiated because their capabilities and understanding at different ages are different. In their late 30's. early 40's now, they are the best of friends so it did them no harm.
I hated it when the schools tried to make sports just about taking part, never winning. In academic subjects they could be "top of the class", but why would children try to excel at sport if they are never to know the glory of winning? I think differentiation is important so that children play to their individual strengths and achieve accordingly.
I learned to resent my brother because as the elder child I was expected to look out for my younger sibling yet we were treated the same otherwise. My china teaset was thrown in the bin once because I wouldn't share with him (he was 4 years younger and always throwing things about and even though I protested that he might break it, my opinion wasn't considered relevent). Also, everything I fought for (increased pocket money for example) he got automatically.
I grew up resenting rather than celebrating my brother - such a shame!

I have a similar problem in that the other grandparents always give both children a present on their birthdays. I don't agree with this as it is one day of the year which is special to each individual child.
They have to learn also that life isn't always fair. It is a hard lesson but an important one.
Having said that I agree you have to do what the parents want as it is their child.

I have 3 boys. If they complained it 'wasn't fair I'd tell them life wasn't fair, and they needed to get used to it. (But always tried to make sure everyone got an equal share over a period of time)

Goodness! As grandparents we are afraid to move, these days. What happened to the wisdom of age? At 6 we are not 'equal' to when we are 10. Why can't the 10 year old feel special? Why do so many individuals in so many spheres have to be considered to such a degree that they have to be shielded from reality? (I will not mention what 'spheres' I'm thinking about!) One day the 6 year old will be 10 and will have achievements of their own - they may well achieve something of their own quite soon. IMO we have to face a few challenges in life and times when we are not 'on top.' Having said this, I would run it by the parents, explain it to the little one and give them a little treat, too ('cos I'm a softy I guess!)

My grandmother treated my sister and I differently because she saw that my sister was treated as the golden princess by my parents Treating me as her special favourite was her attempt at compensation. One of her sayings was "There is no one up there handing out fairness!"