Returning to shift work after retirement

My Dad retired about 3 or 4 times and went back to work. Used to working all his adult life, I guess he just couldnt not work. Maybe your husband feels the same.
Ultimately it is his decision - its hard because on the one hand you want to do things together and on the other hand you want him to be happy with his choices.
As some have said.. maybe try to be more independant and do things for you.

Could it be the cost of living crisis we're all hearing about?
No one want to scrimp

I totally agree with Casdon. You must get your own life that's not so dependent on him 24/7. Work on your fear of loneliness when he's not there, as one day he might not be !

He's probably just forgotten you had a problem with it, he could have done with being reminded when he first mentioned going back to work. Would have saved him the embarrassment of chucking it in when he's just started. However if you're not comfortable with him being out overnight then it could end up causing problems in the way you get on together which would be sad at this stage of your marriage.

Saturday and Sunday should be the same as any other day once you're retired but that's just not the case, the wknds still seem to be special and so many events, visits etc are made on a wknd when more people are available.
With hindsight perhaps this should have been discussed more before DH accepted the job but that's beside the point now. You are obviously upset by this and imo that's reasonable. Is there no chance DH could change his days to weekdays? Maybe after establishing himself as a good employee for a few months this might be investigated? Maybe you could broach this idea with him and just say how much better it would make you feel?

My DH not only worked shifts but for 6 years he was away for weeks at a time with very little notice, police force too. Once retired he found jobs very easily not involving shift work. Had he taken shifts I would have been livid having felt I had done my stint of managing on my own. Are your Saturdays and Sundays usually busy or are they pretty stay at home mostly? If busy then you will be missing out. I certainly would be saying something. If usually spent at home then not quite so bad but for me it is a definite he is being selfish. Tell him to search elsewhere for something to occupy himself.

Have you thought about the health implications of doing shift work? Given the choice I would not chose to work shifts in later life.

After 30 years of being alone when he was doing shift work you must have been looking forward to seeing more of him. I don't think that working both nights at the weekend is reasonable, as others have said, what happens if you would like go away at the weekend or go and see friends?

whatamIdoinghere Rtired people are not restricted to going away at weekends, but family will probably still be working, grandchildren will be at school during the week, not to mention that many big events you may want to visit are weekends only.

It’s the choice of words used Nansnet. ‘Annoyed and told him so’ would be the case for a lot of people I think. ‘Miserable and lonely’ seems an over reaction to me, when after all they are presumably together for the whole of the rest of the week, including Friday evening and Saturday during the day. It’s all down to our own interpretation, and it would be good if OP came back on the thread and clarified the circumstances in more detail.

NotSpaghetti, I know she said it makes her feel miserable and lonely, which is quite understandable, as her DH has accepted a P/T job working night shifts every weekend. I feel the same way on the odd occasions when my DH needs to work overtime at weekends, when we could be enjoying ourselves. It doesn't mean that the OP has a fear of loneliness, which is the comment I was referring to. I think there is a huge difference between feeling miserable and lonely because you're sat at home on your own every weekend, and actually fearing loneliness. That is just my take on the OPs current situation. Others, of course, are free to interpret it however they wish.

25Avalon

This means you can’t go anywhere at weekends so it just isn’t any old only two shifts, so no I don’t think URBU.

I think he should have discussed it with you before he accepted the job, but in terms of going away - if you are retired you're not restricted to going away at weekends, and surely he'll be entitled to some holiday. It obviously means a lot to him to be able to work, and after retirement age it can be difficult to find a job, so maybe he could do this but on the basis that he looks for something else that's not night shifts? You don't say what the work is, but if a more attractive shift came up, he might be well-placed to get it if he's already working for the company.

Sorry you feel sad about this OP. Have you had a conversation about why he wants to do this? I retired 2 years ago as a shift working nurse. It only took me me a couple of months to realise how much I missed it. I love the job I do but also enjoy the social side and the people I work with - many of them I no longer see unless I go to work. It took me a couple of months longer to realise I also needed extra money - so I now do bank shifts. I don’t like night shifts/weekend but they pay more so that’s what I tend to do. Is your husband worried about money? Does he miss the camaraderie? Does he feel he needs a purpose in life? I would tick every box for me. My husband does miss me when I’m at work and it sometimes disrupts family events, but he understands my reasons and appreciates the extra cash. I hope it all works out for you.

Now I'm retired a w/e isn't really any different to a weekday. I would look at this positively and start planning all the mini breaks you can do together mid week with the extra money!!

Harris27 - it obviously was at least talked about as Nanny2859 said she should have spoken up:

I know I should have said I didn't want him working those shifts before he applied

And yes, she says she is lonely Nansnet - she says:

it is making me feel so miserable and lonely.

This is tricky. Has he gone back to work as a sense of worth or is it purely financial? I would wonder why he’s decided to go back are you feeling hurt that he’s decided this without really discussing this with you and the reason why? I think you need to sit him down and ask these questions.

notquitethereyet said, 'why don’t you think of things you would like to do on your own or with friends at the weekends?'

And Casdon said, 'I think you must work on your fears of loneliness when he isn’t with you though because you must have your own life that isn’t dependent on his support 24/7...'

Whilst I do agree that non of us should be totally dependent on our partners, and we should have our own friends to do things with, isn't it often the case that, particularly at weekends, most friends are spending family time together, or doing things with their own partners. When one half of a couple is left alone, it's not always so easy to find someone to do things with, without feeling you're encroaching on someone else's precious weekend time together. I realise that some people are single, and aren't in relationships, so they do need to find hobbies, and like minded people to spend time with. But when you are in a relationship one tends to expect to do things together, particularly at weekends. Or, at least, that's my experience amongst my friendship circle.

I don't think the OP sounds like she has a 'fear of loneliness', she's spent 30 years with her DH working shifts, so she's obviously used to it. To me, it sounds like she's rather disappointed that her DH has taken on a weekend shift job, when they should be enjoying retirement together. The traditional weekend of Sat/Sun is obviously important to the OP, and the prospect of going through the rest of retirement, or for as long as her DH decides to stay in this job, without being able to spend the weekends together, must be quite upsetting/annoying.

OP wrote, 'We always said if he did go back to work it would have to be something that didn't involve working nights and weekends'. Her DH went against what they had discussed and decided together, before he applied for a job, so I think he is in the wrong for considering to take on the job in question, and she needs to speak up now, before it festers away and becomes a bigger issue between them.

My late husband played in dance bands during all of our married life, while working full time at his day job. Most of the Band work was on Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. so these were the evenings when I visited my parents and later when the children arrived DM & DF would visit me on these evenings. or babysit if I wanted to go out. I had a neighbour who also had 2 children the same age as mine and as her husband always wanted to watch football on TV she would join me for OUR favourite weekend TV.

Later on I was available to Baby sit for My 2 DD (3 DGC) so that they could socialise at the weekends. and we took some Monday to Thursday short breaks just the 2 of us.

"Where there is a need there is a way"

Any other night but Saturday ro Sunday and I would say, accept it, he clearly needs the occupation and stimulation.

But Saturday and Sunday nights....................... they write off the whole weekend, I know weekends matter less when you retire, but one still has children and grandchildren who are only availableaat weekends, not to mention younger still-working friends plus special events are always at weekends.
NO, YANBU

I agree with Katyj weekends are not so important when you are older and the family all grown up. If you have an active social life which revolves round weekends that may be different. I worked shifts for most of my career and quite enjoyed having time off when others were working. I think you should go with the flow for now as ronib said.

I guess it’s easier for your husband to find weekend night shifts as they are harder to fill. Also these shifts should be paying more than standard day rates. Also having been out of the labour market for awhile and an older worker, your husband might have struggled to find work at more normal hours?
Personally I would go with the flow and see what happens next.

I do think you should have addressed the issue when he was applying (as you said).
Was he really deliberately "going against a promise" or was it just that the job popped up and he was excited? Did he know the depths of your dislike of the overnights or was it something that was less discussed as life went on?

It seems to me that ge was too excited at the prospect of part time work and you were too surprised to speak up.

Are you still working? If not, why be bothered about it being the weekend? I really don't understand this.

And I haven't got a solution, I agree it's tough - but personally I'd just suck it up now as I would think he wouldn't have applied if you'd spoken up beforehand. I'd ask him (now he's "back in") to look seriously at part time day jobs if they come up - I'm sure they will.
Meanwhile you might suggest he tries it for a few months and then asks if he can transfer to days?

Don't stamp your feet now, it's a bit late in my opinion.

I’m with ‘Casdon’ in most ways. As someone who’s DH was away 4 nights a week for years, I just had to get used to it. No choice.
I’m wondering if the OP still works, because as retired, it really doesn’t matter at all (to me) that the weekend has to be Saturday and Sunday. DD1’s weekend was Monday and Tuesday, which was great to take DGS1 to places that would’ve been too busy for him on Sat/Sun.
Maybe it’s weekend nights to start off with and he might be offered different shifts as and when they’re available.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all.

My husband worked permanent nights for the last twenty years before he retired.He had one Saturday in three off.It was just our way of life at the time but I wouldn’t want to go back to the days of him yawning his way through any functions we were invited to or having to leave early.

I love our weekends now as I am sure you do too.I would explain to him what it was like when he was working before and that you really don’t want to go back to that lifestyle.

You have as much right to be happy as him.Say to him you are happy with him working two nights if that is what he wants to do but not at the weekend.

Mmm I’m torn with this one. I don’t value weekends that much now we’re retired. We don’t see family usually as it’s their family time. We tend not to go out much as it’s too busy especially at this time of year.
We’re out most days through the week days out walking, shopping and the coast, then picking DGC from school some says too. But it’s how you feel that matters, if weekends are usually your time then you need to speak up.