AIBU - Husband

My husband was probably a bit like you Mel, frustrated (although he never said), that I kept falling asleep and was struggling to get things done.
He has a very stressful job and worked long hours, often away for work, so couldn't really help.

He took early retirement and took over much of the chores, still does, although I can no longer work. It's all about having a discussion.
I explained that I couldn't physically cope anymore and still work, and that he would have to step up to the mark, so he did.

Whiff, from your posts, I know how much you love and miss your husband, but Mel's frustration is understandable. She is probably exhausted and worried about her husband and that affects your thinking and how you deal with things.

I also think that lower domestic standards, bought help and gaining better understanding of her DH’s condition would help Mell to be the support she needs to be. Yes, resentment does creep in when you are the one doing everything, but I found going into the garden to scream helped reduce the tension and allowed me to carry on. I do note that two years after DH’s death my domestic standards are not what they used to be!

@Gwyllt Do you have any tips for getting over the chronic fatigue please?

I too had to do everything in the last few years of DH’s life, but even earlier when the girls were younger he would come home at the end of the week exhausted and spend most of Saturday asleep in bed while I did the hockey run/supermarket run/ washing and ironing (5 office shirts and 3 x school uniform for the week) and on Sundays I did my own lesson prep and marking plus any driving around.
Yes, it was incredibly hard but with hindsight he was ill and already showing symptoms of the health issues which killed him. I still feel guilty at my impatience at times so OP is perhaps wise to get it out of her system here rather than to her DH.
I entirely endorse all the advice and labour -saving ideas too.

Whiff, I fully understand how you, and any other woman who has lost a husband, must feel. I do also think that most of us, at some point become annoyed with them, for whatever reasons, and likewise I'm sure they feel the same way about us wives too!

I think it sounds like the OP is getting totally worn out herself, and probably feels a bit of annoyance towards her husband for not being able to help her out with all the daily chores. It's hard for anyone, but especially those who are working full time.

I think OP needs to take a deep breath, appreciate that her husband has an illness which makes him feel exhausted, but also start to think about her own well-being as well. It won't do anyone any good if she becomes worn out and ill.

Mel1967, talk honestly to your husband, and tell him that you understand what he's going through, but also tell him that you're finding having to deal with all the chores yourself, as well as working full-time, is wearing you out, and you need help. Cut costs elsewhere, but find the extra money for a cleaner once a week, and someone to do your ironing. You won't be any good to your husband if you find yourself ill through exhaustion. Be kind to yourself.

It would seem perfectly reasonable from what you have said. Your husband has a chronic illness that makes him tired. He's takes meds that also makes him fatigued. I imagine that going to work is probably the best that he can manage. Sometimes you just have to step up. Speaking as someone who has also stepped up and does literally everything.

As others have said, employ a cleaner and batch cook meals to ease the burden.

Mell do you love your husband? Is he the other half of yourself and makes you feel whole? And would you be devastated if he died ?

If you answered yes to all those questions then be thankful you still have a husband. And stop moaning about him and talk to him.

And yes I expect this to be deleted. But it is the run up to 20 years since my husband died aged 47. And have no time for women who moan about there ill husbands falling asleep and not helping in the home.

Mel1967 you started a thread saying your DH had been diagnosed fairly recently and one of the symptoms is fatigue so I feel sorry for both of you.

You also said you dislike your job in another thread. Is there any way you can reduce your hours so that you don't feel so overwhelmed? If not, can you get help in the home? Are there any benefits your DH could apply for so that you could pay for help?

Perhaps you could go along with him to his hospital appointments and discuss the fatigue with the doctors? There may be a support group they could suggest too.

OP, if there's only the two of you surely you could cut back on household chores. Perhaps you could employ a cleaner for a few hours a week and send the bulk of the washing out. I have a very good laundry (not launderette) not far from me and these days I use them. By the time I've factored in electricity etc it really isn't that expensive and it comes back all dried, folded and ironed. Buy a slow cooker and an air fryer to help with cooking and generally cut corners. I do these days after a lifetime of keeping house. There's only 2 of us and I work full time. I'm not ashamed to say that I don't do a quarter of what I used to.

Could your DH work part time so he was less exhausted? Quality of life is so important.

Aldom

Yes I've also noticed this person has several threads on the go.

Perhaps she has no one to talk to.

I would suggest that you go to some of his doctor's appointments and find out what's going on and whether anything more can be done about his fatigue. Based on what you have written yes YABU.

The man works despite his condition so yes you are unreasonable. I would be worried he’s doing too much.

Yes I've also noticed this person has several threads on the go.

I think this is the 5th thread you have started since 1 Jan.
Not sure what to make of it all really.

Genuine fatigue is really debilitating. Got the tee shirt and moved past. but do I detect that you have thoughts he might be using his condition. Really sorry if I am barking up the wrong tree.
Before you think about your position ask yourself how much your husband contributed to the running of the household before his illness
That might help you answer your question
And yes get yourself a cleaner would take some pressure of you And only do what is necessary

He is ILL - I used to fret that mine left me to do everything until I realised he was not a well man, he died 6 years ago after 20 years of fighting considerable health issues.
Your DH sounds as if he is probably exhausted using up what resources he has on holding down a job.
As you both work full time could you not ease the domestic burden by employing a cleaner and/or help in the garden, internet shopping and buying in other practical help?

Communication is key. Discuss this together. Better than asking us actually.

On the face of it, yes.
My DH also had a blood disorder (serious) and fell asleep every time he sat down.
Your sick DH also holds down a job, so I think you are being a bit unreasonable, if he is genuinely exhausted. As you both work, is there a lot of cleaning? Could you perhaps spare a bit of money and employ a cleaner for the bigger jobs?

I have R.A and one of the symptoms is chronic fatigue. It is indescribable how it feels.
I worked full time as a teacher, was studying and looked after my mother with alzheimers. By the time I got home at night, I was fit for nothing.
If he is genuinely fatigued due to his illness, you should be glad that he is still able to work and should be more sympathetic. I had to to stop working in the end.

If he is using it as an excuse, then he needs to step up to the mark.

If he's genuinely fatigued because of his illness and medication than yes you are. If he's using this as an excuse not to give you a helping hand, then no you're not.

Yes