Excruciating experience - surprise birthday party

It's not embarrassment for me. I just would prefer only family (or to choose which friends).

I am not an introvert but do dislike parties.

It was done with the best of intentions, so I would focus on the positive aspects of the occasion and the appreciation of your nearest and dearest. Embarrassment will fade in time.
I felt the same when I was wanting to slip quietly out of the door on my last day at work, intending to sneak out of the back door in the afternoon, only to be faced with everyone in the building crowding into the room where my workspace was, before lunch that day, and a brief "this is your life" type speech and gifts being presented. So despite squirming with embarrassment, just tried to focus on the kindness and sense of occasion. So maybe you could try and look on your birthday shock in a similar way?

I’d be disgusted if my lot did that for me. How do they know who I’d love to invite to a special birthday party?

Neilspurgeon0, that's interesting. My daughter hates her Birthday and Christmas because of the anxiety it induces which started when she reached puberty. It has taken us a long time as a family to realise she isn't attention seeking or being awkward and to find a way we can support her in those feelings. I am sorry that your family doesn't feel they can support you in that way.

Absolutely awful for you. My worst nightmare. Grounds for divorce if your husband doesn’t know you by now.

I would absolutely hate it - I think if you're introvert, being the centre of attention is absolutely horrible. I was the unhappiest bride when I got married years ago - absolutely hated being the centre of attention - we lived in a house on a corner, and I wanted to leave out the side door so no one saw me (sad hey) ; I also had a light purple dress as didn't want anyone to know I was the bride. Really sad, but true.

Yes, completely agree. I love parties, actually, but hate surprise parties. My 60th was a 'surprise' dinner party and I just had to go with it though I made it pretty difficult for the two organisers as I insisted on knowing what kind of dress I would need, did I need to get my hair done etc. I would have not had quite the same guest list, although I would have included several of the people on it, and I might have chosen the same venue, so actually my friend and my family did very well. I just had to go with the feeling that the thought and organisation behind it was all done with love, and that I was lucky to have my family and those particular friends. But I really really don't want a surprise party again, and suspect at nearly 65, I probably won't get one!

It would have been a nightmare for me too. But like all. nightmares it 's over and done with and only lasted a night. Move on. Life's too short to dwell on it. Husbands often don't get it right !

Carenza123

A shock - not what you wanted! But it was arranged with love and appreciation of you! How lovely. Count your blessings. Not everyone is so fortunate.

Exactly! I would have been absolutely delighted.

That is EXACTLY the sort of thing my wife and daughter would do and they would almost gloat to know how embarrassed and fed up by the whole thing I would feel. My daughter always attacks me for my lack of empathy but has no real idea, as my wife after 45 years equally never gets, that I just want to be left alone to het on with my life privately.

They all think my request for a big box of peace and quiet every Christmas and birthday is a joke

As someone whose DCs and DH barely acknowledge my birthday, and haven’t done so for years, I would actually have loved a surprise birthday party!
I don’t receive Christmas presents either.
Perhaps that really shows how they think of me (or not)

I had exactly the same experience my DH and children had invited everyone they could think of!
To get me away from the house while they prepared, I was taken for a long walk along the seafront. I arrived back to “Surprise!!!” very wind blown, no make up in jeans and sweater.
Some of the people there I hadn’t seen in years. I would have preferred to meet them looking my best.

Oh I feel your pain! Sounds like my worst nightmare. I would say, as have others, time is a healer. It happened, nothing you can do about it now. Just let OH know it’s never ever to happen again.

I agree I hate surprise parties for myself my H through me on once and everyone was all dressed up and I was in my jeans and jumper it was very uncomfortable but got through the evening with gritted teeth ……never again to be repeated

As I've never been a willing partygoer I can't imagine anyone organising one for me..though I did organise one once for my partners 30th...he was so popular had to hire a room in a nightclub and three bands volunteered. I hated every minute...as it happened he was diagnosed with motor neurone disease the next year so perhaps it was worth it...I've never been that liked. Unimaginable. Though I do remember as we walked up the stairs to the venue he heard a band start 'happy birthday' and he was relieved that someone else was having to suffer it...little did he know. My talent is organising but I don't believe in these big O do's... people feel they have to celebrate them which I never have wanted to...who wants to enter the next decade and pretend its a public celebration?

Galaxy

But they havent shown her they love her. Unless love is forcing someone to do something they hate.

I agree, Galaxy. Unless I am mistaken, Pearly’s issue is not so much the surprise party, but rather the fact that the organisers didn’t seem to know that she would hate it.
Sadly, I think focusing on the fact that they meant well, and wanted you to know you are loved is all you can do.

Carenza123

A shock - not what you wanted! But it was arranged with love and appreciation of you! How lovely. Count your blessings. Not everyone is so fortunate.

Absolutely right Carenza123!

Oh Pearly how I sympathise with you! I would hate a surprise, I’m not a party person either. Perhaps what’s bothering you the most is that your husband thought you would love a surprise party. It will seem less horrifying with the passing of time, and perhaps concentrate on the fact that your guests will have enjoyed it. If something upsets or irritates me, I think will I still care about it this time next year, and usually the answer is no. At least you know it won’t happen again.

I'd tell my husband how appreciative I was of his efforts but would ask him not to do it again. Just do it kindly and try to think of the positive moments in the day. Unless you've been explicit about keeping family and work friends apart, your husband may not have clocked that's how you manage things.

I once went to a surprise party where the surprised person was really ungracious about it. It made us feel very awkward and it was at that point I started to notice how ungrateful/critical the person was in other areas of her life. I viewed her totally differently after that and no longer see her. Even if the partner got it wrong, it was done with kindness and love.

I've always found writing very helpful; I write about difficult feelings, when I'm worried about someone or something and usually the act of writing it down clarifies things and helps me to move on. Good luck.

On the subject of birthday surprises, a friend told me about her deep embarrassment when her husband sprang a beauty treatment on her. All she could think about was that she hadn’t showered that morning, had greasy hair and that she was wearing old mis-matched underwear. She was furious with him.

It’s a difficult one isn’t it? I’ve got a big birthday later in the year and I’m torn between doing nothing, just seeing family, or adding a few friends. The thing is what ever happens I’ll have to arrange it all myself. There’s no way my daughter would have a party for me in her house, she hardly ever invites us round, even for a cup of tea because she hates entertaining people. I’m pretty sure my partner would resent spending money on a big party. I don’t like being the centre of attention but I am a bit jealous that the people in your life will go to the bother of organising this for you.

Has the OP has stopped to think how her family and friends would feel if they read her post.

It was all done out of love and friendship. I m sorry but I found her post mean minded and unappreciative, whatever she says. You are an adult, OP, get your big girl's pants on and get on with it.

So put up and shut up in other words Petra !
No wonder women are undermined throughout their lives. Always put others first etc etc. I bet if OP husband had said 'no surprises' she would have listened to his wants & needs.
I would have been furious, especially after saying I didn't want/like surprise parties.

But, oh no, never mind eh. You'll get over it.

Pearly34 how I empathise with you - I would want to get under the carpet if someone screamed 'SURPRISE' and threw the doors open to reveal a crowd of people, however much I loved them. However, it is done, and you will only sour the memory even more if you keep thinking about it. Move on, but make is known very firmly that the event was a 'once in a lifetime' and your poor old heart couldn't take another surprise of that sort.