Excruciating experience - surprise birthday party

Wow, I am overwhelmed at all your kind responses. It is so comforting knowing I am not alone in hating being the centre of attention. I felt so vulnerable, like my privacy had been invaded in a strange way? My very good work friends all met my children, husband - I hadn’t introduced my family to many of my work friends before. Oh - and the speeches, I was mortified. It seems so ungrateful to feel like this, as I know the event was all about love and appreciation of me but goodness, I’m upset today. I don’t want to go into work next week! I am going to take all your advice though - I’ll keep focussed on the fact that this feeling will pass, my husband will be told never to do such a thing again - and try and feel gratitude for the lovely people I have in my life. THANK YOU each and everyone of you xxxx

My mother-in-law is hoping to have a "family dinner" for her 100th this year Pantglas2 - she has already made the booking.

I’ve always loved attending others surprise parties but have known they weren’t for me - I hate not being able to sail under the radar as it were!

My dad will be 90 this year and he’s adamant he wants a small family dinner which, god willing, is what he’ll get.

Try not to think about it Pearly . You will see from comments on here that you are not alone in your view of surprise parties. I have always made it clear that they mustn't do it to me. I had a friend who was thrown a surprise party organised by friends she had met at a club she joined. She was upset that they invited all the wrong people.

Truly and awfully excruciating, I feel your pain! I’m sure it was done with so much love, wanting to arrange something special for you, but not enough thought for what would make you happy. I really don’t blame you, I would have hated it too. As you can see from the replies already, nearly everyone feels the same way as you. But it’s done now and in the past. The feelings will pass, just try very hard not to keep reliving the embarrassment. I wonder how your husband and daughter judged your reaction, did they realise this surprise party was unwelcome? I don’t understand the draw of any surprise party, I would be wearing the wrong clothes and my hair would be a mess!

I like parties but would hate a surprise one as I’d like to choose an outfit, get hair done etc in anticipation.

I would hate it myself. Then a friend and I both had landmark birthdays coming up and my friend's daughters were arranging a party, although they told her about it so it wasn't a surprise. As our children grew up together, I suddenly wondered if my two were thinking of organising a surprise party for me. Yikes!

The look on their faces when I asked them!!! It made my day as the thought had obviously never occurred to them.

For my 60(th many years ago now), my adult children had made all the arrangements, hired a hall, arranging food, photocopied my address book and contact virtually everyone in it. I was told I was going out for a meal with my two eldest daughters and we had to stop off at that hall to leave my year old g.son with some friends who were there.

Went in and there wee about sixty people saying Happy Birthday. Wonderful surprise, and I was so appreciative of all the arrangements that had been made by them. Sadly itg was the last birthday attended by my youngest child who died in a tragic accident nine months later. Makes those memories even more nostalgic.

Twenty years later, my 80th came just as they were lifting the Covid regulations. Originally I had made it clear that I really wanted for that was to be with all five adults children and eight grandchildren. Not much chance in June 2021/

Collected that morning by daughter and family who lived close by just to go out for a lunch, drove for miles and miles (It is really nice place we have chosen - I was told). Arrived -and there were all my children, their partners and my grandchildren. Wonderful, wonderful surprise and so very welcome.

So, just be grateful that you have family and friends who are happy to attend your birthday and welcome the surprise party.

I think the issue regarding reading people's minds is that there are many people who would poo-poo a big surprise party while all the while really wanting one.

Some I have known have actually been disappointed such an event WASN'T arranged, despite having said, "oh no, I wouldn't want that!

Very kind, but people who mean well often get it wrong (Prince Charles marrying Diana…)

No surprises for me please, vanity overrules it. I like to be dressed for the occasion and the thought of a surprise party being laid on in my own house fills me with horror. Family know this would not be for me.
It can be a little stressful being ready for prepared parties, never mind surprise parties.

I have got round this by just organising the day myself, which pre-empts any surprises. Sometimes this has been in the form of a big celebration (I had a ceilidh for my 70th - it was great) , sometimes a family get together.

I made it very clear that I didn't want a party, surprise or not for my last milestone. Did have a get together with family and that was it. I would just concentrate on the fact that you have people who care enough about you to make the effort. Being grateful and focusing on the positives is the way to park your discomfort.

I would love a special treat like that but it would never happen i am the onethat does it for everyone else xx it will feel better soon enough dont fret xx

I wouldn’t have liked it either. I dont think you can solely blame your husband, it was at your daughters house, she didn't try to stop it and those that were invited didn't say to anyone that they thought you would not like it so it seems all your friends and family thought it was a good idea.

husband and family have taken it upon themselves to show you how loved you are...
Would have preferred compulsory bungee jumping!

Same here I would have hated a surprise gathering like this
I was made redundant at work and didn’t go to the goodbye party along with others who same happened to
I went in later when all had gone home and cleared my desk
Just now it gives me the shivers thinking about it Others like me just accepted it but I couldn’t face all the goodbyes and sympathy Big bosses just making our team smaller without any real solid reason just cost cutting So rubbish !!!

But they havent shown her they love her. Unless love is forcing someone to do something they hate.

Ohhhh dear me 😲. I would view it as your lovely husband and family have taken it upon themselves to show you how loved you are, some people are lucky to get a card and thats when its a special birthday. I would view it as a positive experience in my life opposed to a negative.

I’d actually love it, being normally the organiser in the family. Won’t happen, sadly.

It happened to me, Pearly, a joint 60th for me and my OH, arranged by our children, two weeks before my actual birthday. We thought we were going out for a meal with friends! I wasn’t at all prepared - not wearing what I would have chosen, not having my nails manicured (only do this on special occasions!). However, they’d all gone to so much trouble and expense that I felt so spoilt and loved. It was a really memorable evening, and I only have happy memories. However, when it was our 70th I organised a weekend in the New Forest for our immediate family, with lots of activities and caterers. 😊

I'm another one who would hate a surprise party, not that I have enough friends or family to warrant one anyway. I loathe being the centre of attention.

I hate any fuss directed at me fullstop. My worst nightmare would be surprise anything. I would be upset that my husband could agree to such a thing and also my children. Obviously do not know me at all. I would probably/possibly just turn around and leave the situation.

I would have hated it too.
Did your husband realise that you did not like this kind of thing? If he did then I can see where you are coming from. If he didn't I would make it clear that that was the last in no uncertain terms.
Just tell yourself everyone enjoyed it and at least they turned up for you not stayed away like they have in some I have gone to. You managed to stay some people just turn around and leave when confronted. Good for you.

My friend had a surprise party. Her husband took her to the pub for a birthday drink while other family members sorted out the party in her house. She didn't enjoy it at all, as she said all she could think of was that she hadn't tidied up and cleaned everywhere that she would have liked to.

I wouldn’t be happy but it has passed. Maybe arrange your own next time just the way you want it.