AIBU re Grandchild care while parents are on leave?

I am surprised by the assumption that you would continue to babysit/childmind as before even though your DC will be at home.

They must see it as a privilege! Perhaps it is.
Let them know what you are prepared to do but explain about the health issues and how it is a chance for you to enjoy retirement.

I agree -why not offer to do half a day a week.A good compromise

I'm more than happy to take care of my GD when needed, but I wouldn't like it to be on a regular schedule, unless it was absolutely necessary. I like my own space, and my own free time. I do find that keeping young children occupied for a whole day is extremely exhausting. I simply don't have the energy in my 60s that I had in my 30s! My GDs are wanting to be doing something every minute of the day. They want to make cakes, then before that's finished they want the paints out, then the dolls house, then the kitchen, then the lego. And, of course, Nannie has to play with them too! I literally don't have a moment to sit down with a coffee for a 5 mins break, and usually don't have any lunch either!

I think in the OPs situation, I'd be inclined to say that I'm happy to take GD1 for 2 or 3 hours, or for a morning or afternoon, just to continue with the routine, and for me still to have that special time with GD. Also, considering that your DH has recently had surgery, just say that a full day is a bit much for you to handle right now, as he needs his rest and he's not currently able to help out with GD. I think it unnecessary to expect you to have her for the full day whilst DiL is on maternity leave. Just put it to them nicely, and I'm sure they'll understand.

Sorry - I misread and it is a granddaughter so substitute “she/her” for “he/him”

I think everything has been said - about keeping the nursery place, not disrupting the older GC’s routine etc but this jumped out at me
it seems very odd that they want us to do it while they sit at home / whatever with the new baby. ?
My recollection from all those years ago was that “sitting at home/whatever” did not describe those first exhausting weeks!
I would expect Dad to take on more especially when on paternity leave as usually happens to give Mum more time with the newborn, but your elder GC will need his own special attention if his nose is not to be put too much out of joint!
TBH I think you have reached a wall re the childcare and probably need to be honest about why you feel you need a break.
But how different we all are, look at all the threads where grands feel “pushed out “ because they are excluded from the baby moon/bonding period!

If you don't want to look after your GC then you need to tell them.

It is pretty normal to keep the nursery place while on maternity leave to keep things normal for the older one. It helps the toddler to stay in their routine despite the new baby. There is no guarantee these days that you would be able to get the nursery place back at the end of maternity leave as so many nurseries are closing. Many toddlers get very bored at home with an exhausted mum and baby after the routine of other children, play and activities of nursery - there is not always the social network that existed 30-40 years ago. Even 25-30 years ago when I was on maternity leave I was the only person at home in my cul-de-sac between 8am and 4 pm.

Same thing happened to me - but I was more than happy to carry on with my one day a week looking after my DGD. Its not forever- before you know it, your grandchild will be going to school; our DGD is now 9 and I cherish the days I looked after her (and her younger brother when he came along). I was glad to help Mum and Dad have a break and be able to have some one to one time with their new baby. However, if it doesn't suit, you really should have a word with them and just say you were looking forward to a break.

MissInterpreted

Norah

I've never cared for GC on a regular schedule (I will help out in emergency), I can't imagine why it's accepted by so many. I like freedom in my days to cook, clean, surgery recovery, garden, walk, etc.

Perhaps just say 'no thank you, we have plans' -- polite and non-confrontational? No huge dicussion needed, their children to care for.

Some grandparents have no option but to step in and provide care for their grandchildren as there is no other alternative.

There's always another alternative, if you live hundreds of miles away or even over seas like one of mine you find something.
I payed a student one half term when I worked when mine got Chicken pox one after another, another time I had to employ a nurse from a bank before my parents could get to us.
I lived beside girls who just expected their mothers to drop everything to help.
We made a self help group and had each others children and did school ,nursery and playgroups pick ups and drop offs for each other, even giving tea some days.

If you had so many children do you also care for other grandchildren I wonder

Grannyben

I wonder if they are being as extravagant as you think. I could be wrong but doesn't the free 15 hours come in shortly. If so they will probably only be paying a nominal amount to cover lunches etc. Also, I understand that many Nurseries have up to a year wait so if they give her place up she is highly unlikely to get it back.

Yes, I think continuing nursery is a good idea.

However, perhaps Grandarent care could be flexible, especially as GrandadSoo will need some convalescence after his surgery.

Norah

Callistemon21

Children like helping with cooking, gardening, perhaps not so much cleaning (nor do I!).

I wouldn't put a clean house before enjoying time with my grandchildren; they're not tiny for long.

However, DIL didn't expect us to look after DC1 when she was on maternity leave with No.2.

I agree children like to 'help' cook, garden, perhaps use the duster, fold napkins - however, in my experience they aren't actually helpful and add to the disarray - just my opinion about our many GC, GGC and GGGC.

I've enough to do on a daily basis - I want to be available for what actually needs doing. We do see all of them quite often, just no schedule or weekly commitment taking our time. Works for us.

As usual, everyone is different.

I agree children like to 'help' cook, garden, perhaps use the duster, fold napkins - however, in my experience they aren't actually helpful and add to the disarray - just my opinion about our many GC, GGC and GGGC.

Don't they just!! 😁

I can remember DGD2 helping to make smoothies and pressing the on switch before the lid was on the liquidiser. 😯

And cake-making .....

I wonder if they are being as extravagant as you think. I could be wrong but doesn't the free 15 hours come in shortly. If so they will probably only be paying a nominal amount to cover lunches etc. Also, I understand that many Nurseries have up to a year wait so if they give her place up she is highly unlikely to get it back.

My daughter and SIL are having a second baby in April. My GD is 3 and is at nursery 2 full days and 2 half days. Her other Grandma and myself share the other half days, daughter works 4 days a week.
Daughter has asked if we still pick up GD from nursery and look after her in the afternoons. I will also take her to swimming lessons on what is daughters day off.
We have all agreed that this is flexible as after a couple of months daughter might want to meet friends with children and take both of them. Also we are already planning that we will have outings, daughter 2 grand children and me and grandma.
I think communication and flexibility is the key.

Norah

MissInterpreted

Norah

I've never cared for GC on a regular schedule (I will help out in emergency), I can't imagine why it's accepted by so many. I like freedom in my days to cook, clean, surgery recovery, garden, walk, etc.

Perhaps just say 'no thank you, we have plans' -- polite and non-confrontational? No huge dicussion needed, their children to care for.

Some grandparents have no option but to step in and provide care for their grandchildren as there is no other alternative.

I'm sure there are parents in hospital or jail, on drugs, dead, otherwise incapacitated. That is not what the OP is about, is it?

Actually, I wasn't thinking about any of those examples. I was thinking of instances where parents may work shifts, perhaps including night shifts, where things like nurseries, childminders etc wouldn't be available.

Maybe instead of mind-reading that NanaSoo would want to continue childminding when the child's mother was at home it would have been better for the parents to ask NanaSoo if she wanted to - given that there's no need to do so anymore?

Lots of people on here seem to be guessing what the parents might think might be in NanaSoo's mind.

I think it is important that your granddaughter continues to attend nursery after the baby is born, for continuity and also because it is possible that the two days will no longer be available to her at a later date. I also believe, as others have said, that maybe your son and daughter-in-law thought that you would wish to continue looking after their daughter for one day a week. You obviously have a very close relationship with them, so it would be so sad if you were to fall out with them over this. Tread very carefully, if you decide to discuss this with them.

It seems to me likely a matter of keeping the first child to the existing routine and keeping your close relationship with her. I expect your granddaughter looks forward to her day with you and might feel the new baby has robbed her of that if it stops. Surely one day a week isn’t a huge deal, especially as you live close by? And in the early days I’m sure your daughter in law would be very grateful for that help - who knows, it might not be an easy birth. I really don’t think either of them will just be ‘sitting at home’! Cast your mind back!

MissInterpreted

Norah

I've never cared for GC on a regular schedule (I will help out in emergency), I can't imagine why it's accepted by so many. I like freedom in my days to cook, clean, surgery recovery, garden, walk, etc.

Perhaps just say 'no thank you, we have plans' -- polite and non-confrontational? No huge dicussion needed, their children to care for.

Some grandparents have no option but to step in and provide care for their grandchildren as there is no other alternative.

I'm sure there are parents in hospital or jail, on drugs, dead, otherwise incapacitated. That is not what the OP is about, is it?

I looked after my first grandchild one day a week until the second one came along. It never occurred to me that I would continue whilst my daughter was on maternity leave. 😬 We did visit on those days but not on a regular basis. We also helped out with childcare on an ad hoc basis when needed. Why not talk to your daughter and say you had hoped to have a bit more free time during her ml but would be happy to look after her once or twice a month during this period? If that suits you of course.

Maybe they just want to keep the routine the same, especially if the child likes being with you, they wouldn’t want a new baby to mean that what their daughter likes doing has to change.

If you dont want to do it just tell them.

All sounds reasonable to me, unless you do not want to look after GC1. They are trying to maintain a routine and continuity.

Do not judge them - they have their reasons and have obviously decided they can afford the nursery place. If you do not want to look after the child, then that is fine and you have the right to make that decision. But you do not have the right to judge their decisions.

Norah

I've never cared for GC on a regular schedule (I will help out in emergency), I can't imagine why it's accepted by so many. I like freedom in my days to cook, clean, surgery recovery, garden, walk, etc.

Perhaps just say 'no thank you, we have plans' -- polite and non-confrontational? No huge dicussion needed, their children to care for.

Some grandparents have no option but to step in and provide care for their grandchildren as there is no other alternative.

If they can afford the nursery care I understand why they will want to continue nursery attendance while DIL is on maternity leave - keeping her routine will make things normal for her. If you feel up you would like a break during this time just tell the parents that. I have always done one day a week GM duty and never regretted it - one day was fine !!
I stayed at home with our children in their preschool days and took them one morning each week to playgroup. How things have changed!!

Callistemon21

Children like helping with cooking, gardening, perhaps not so much cleaning (nor do I!).

I wouldn't put a clean house before enjoying time with my grandchildren; they're not tiny for long.

However, DIL didn't expect us to look after DC1 when she was on maternity leave with No.2.

I agree children like to 'help' cook, garden, perhaps use the duster, fold napkins - however, in my experience they aren't actually helpful and add to the disarray - just my opinion about our many GC, GGC and GGGC.

I've enough to do on a daily basis - I want to be available for what actually needs doing. We do see all of them quite often, just no schedule or weekly commitment taking our time. Works for us.

As usual, everyone is different.

Callistemon21

Although keeping to the same routine for the older child might be thought desirable, I can see one problem arising from this.
However well they handle the arrival of the new baby, the older child might experience feelings of jealousy and be wondering what fun times Mummy and Daddy are having with the new baby while she is at nursery or at your house.
That could happen even if she is having a wonderful time with you.

I think being on call, if possible, if the parent needs to go somewhere with the baby would be a good idea so that you maintain a relationship with your DGD but I think, if your DS has paternity leave and your DIL has a year's maternity leave, establishing their family unit at home together is important.

Your DH needs time to recover too, and little ones can be very exhausting.
He needs recovery and convalescent leave!

I hope you can sort this out amicably.

I agree.
Make sure your talk with son is said in a pleasant way tho.😬