AIBU re Grandchild care while parents are on leave?

If two young, healthy adults at home all day can't cope with 2 children, one of which will be at nursery 2 days a week, there is something very wrong.

Honestly, new parents today with all mod cons at their finger tips and disposable nappies, as well as paid maternity and paternity leave, seem to have such a sense of martyrdom and entitlement.

I agree SuzieHi

Maybe say you’ve thought about it and would prefer to be more flexible while dil is on maternity leave. Suggest you can offer random days or just offer half days if you’re finding it too much.

It was a big assumption to expect you to continue without asking!

Tararh

Sorry but yabu! Your dil won't be sitting around doing nothing. She's looking after a new baby. Yes, you managed. But perhaps you've forgotten what it was like. I had my son at nursery full time when I was off at first then down to 3 days. He was 3 and I wanted him used to the routine. I loved those days at home with the two of them but it was hard! Trying to get the baby to sleep with a Toddler in tow... the exhaustion of you've had a sleepless night with teething. Why would you begrudge them a fews with one child? Plus they get to know their new baby onene. I agree they should have asked you but I would have thought you'd have wanted to help out? Especially in those early no sleep days.

I think your response is rather harsh. The OP has every right to decide what and when she does with her own life. She isn't a youngster and her husband has recently had surgery.

She didn't get her daughter in law pregnant did she.

I'm sure the OP is well aware of sleepless nights, teething and trying to get a baby to sleep with a toddler in tow. She had four children of her own for heaven's sake, without any help.

Her son has a month's paternity leave too, so there will be two of them at home to cope with the drama. There was no paternity leave in the OP's day or, I doubt, in yours.

If parents decide to increase their family they should have the means, both financial and practical, to do so and not assume someone else will bail them out. You'd think having 2 children (by choice I might add and with both parents at home) was tantamount to being sent to the Somme judging by some of these comments.

Thread from January, I assume it got sorted.

Our daughters had 2 children each with a gap of around 2 years. We did one day a week with the 2 first cousins, they were off to preschool at 3 when the next two arrived. We were happy to keep up our day a week whilst parents were on mat leave. Other grandparents and nursery continued as well. Good routines, lots of contact with family. Works well for many

Sorry but yabu! Your dil won't be sitting around doing nothing. She's looking after a new baby. Yes, you managed. But perhaps you've forgotten what it was like. I had my son at nursery full time when I was off at first then down to 3 days. He was 3 and I wanted him used to the routine. I loved those days at home with the two of them but it was hard! Trying to get the baby to sleep with a Toddler in tow... the exhaustion of you've had a sleepless night with teething. Why would you begrudge them a fews with one child? Plus they get to know their new baby onene. I agree they should have asked you but I would have thought you'd have wanted to help out? Especially in those early no sleep days.

It's okay to say no if you don't want to do it. I don't think grandparents have to offer up explanations for why they won't provide childcare. It's up to the parents to sort because they are the ones who chose to reproduce. Any help is really just bonus. Having said that, I don't see anything wrong generally with the other child going to nursery if the parents choose. I also don't think it's proper to judge them for it. Separate the two issues. Say no and do so without guilt.

I think they just want to continue with normal routine and they are presuming that you can see the sense in that. Mum wants time with the new baby and if you’re usually around they want to carry on with that. I don’t think they are being selfish, but if it’s a problem, speak up now.

Maybe they just want to keep to a regular schedule for their eldest GC, so they can say 'you'll still be going to see granny and grandad, baby won't stop that for you', or maybe they thought you were worried you wouldn't be seeing your GC much!!

It would be a nice thing to do for them to continue with the routine. I think the difference can be that, years ago, the hospital used to keep you in for about 10 days with support in the hospital for new mothers - now we get discharged the same day and the most support you get is from a husband/partner who is often not as much help as is needed. Baby blues will hit on days 3/4 when her hormones shift after having the baby so I think it's nice to still offer support and give them some exclusive time with their new baby to bond. Of course, it's up to you - if you don't want to then say so but your other GC will likely be used to the routine and will enjoy coming over to see you and spend time with you so I expect the parents also want to keep things as 'normal' as possible for LO.

As a few have mentioned I think your S and DIL are trying to ensure that your unique relationship with your GC continues. These days many parents are completely obsessed with their offspring and they think everybody else, especially grandparents, feel the same. I'm not saying that GPs don't love them to death but as the years increase even the odd day of childcare can be exhausting for some which I don't think is often appreciated by parents.

Jzpap

I think it’s lovely to have your DGC once a week. Surely you want continuity of care and seemingly her parents do as they’re keeping her at Nursery. You’re only being asked for one day a week and I’m guessing your son and DIL think you’d probably want to keep with the existing arrangement. I don’t think their request is unreasonable

I think it's not a request I think it's an assumption.

I may have misread it?

Common sense!
Nobody’s feelings get hurt.
This is what communicating instead of catastrophising achieves.

I notice that the OP says, 'it hasn't officially been discussed'. Which means it's still open for discussion. That being the case, I'd bring the subject up again and simply say, 'going back to what DS previously mentioned, I'm more than happy to have GD each week so as not to disrupt her routine, and to take her on little outings/to the park/etc. However, due to his father's recent surgery, I'd prefer it wasn't for the whole day as he needs his rest'. I'd then go on to mention that, 'of course, I'm happy to continue with the full day, once DiL's year-long maternity leave is over'.

What about how your granddaughter will feel about you giving up? Abandoned? Addition of a new child to the family can be quite challenging for little ones. She does not need to cope with your emotions about it all as well. She’ll be soon at school and will have little if any time for you. So just enjoy it and think if it as a privilege not a burden. Reframe the situation

Yes it did Curlywhirly. My parents married in 1944 & they lived with paternal grandparents for 5 years before they got their own house. They also had my older cousin, and another uncle and aunt, living with them at various times.
Then after paternal GM died, Grandpa came to live with us until he died a few years later.

Just for balance, my parents lived with my dad's Mum for 8 years after they got married! They lodged with her and many of their friends lodged with their parents; this was after the war and most were on the Council House waiting list. My parents finally got a brand new Council house in 1955. So though some on this thread knew of no one living with their parents, it did happen. Suppose it depends on demographics, many people in my parents' area couldn't afford to private rent, or even buy a house in the post war years.

You were consulted they didn't just turn up that would beaking an assumption There was an opportunity to say what you've said here

It’s not the fact they want to be with baby and not with the older child …it’s a matter of older child’s routine . My daughter asked me the same and I was more than willing to oblige because I also offered to take the eldest home on bus every day , instead of them braving the horrendous traffic around here ….which also enabled me quality time with grandchild AND i got to see new grandchild more often than I usually would.
Believe me, it will be all about the eldest , and you, not missing out. It was with me .

I think the minding started as an economy thing , why can’t the parents parent their own children. All the ones saying about the bond aren’t considering when the older goes to school. The bond won’t be broken. Think it’s cheeky to have kids then expect a full day off when they are yours . The grandparents don’t choose the parents do . It could be on a more informal schedule so a few hours in the park, minding kids is hard work that’s why the younger ones have them . As we age helping if and when should be enough.

I think it’s lovely to have your DGC once a week. Surely you want continuity of care and seemingly her parents do as they’re keeping her at Nursery. You’re only being asked for one day a week and I’m guessing your son and DIL think you’d probably want to keep with the existing arrangement. I don’t think their request is unreasonable

Nannan2

I know some nans were available in the 'old days' to help with looking after the kids while mums or mum & dads worked long hours- (40's 50's 60's 70's) but back then they had a lot of extended families all of them living in same house!(or couples got wed & lived at home with the mum or mum in law-& along came baby or babies.

I’m a bit confused! I was born in the 50.’ Not one of my school friends lived with their parents AND grandparents and all my Aunties and Uncles lived in their own homes with their children

When I was 2 and my younger sister was born in 1952, my Grandma would come to our house (a journey involving 3 different buses), take me back to her house where I would stay the night with her & my uncle & aunt who lived there.
I had the most wonderful time at Grandma’s. We played games including Lost at the Fair (my favourite book) ‘Going to Pretend Blackpool’ which involved sitting on the stairs pretending we were on the bus, and sometimes actually going to Blackpool on a real bus. I was allowed to play the piano, look at Grandma’s books, water the geraniums, and sometimes we went to Lewis’s in Manchester where Grandma would buy me a chunk of marzipan. Sometimes we went to Alexandra Park in Moss Side to feed the ducks.
Meanwhile Mum would be having precious time with my little sister.
70 years later these vivid memories of my Grandma live on in my mind.
Nanasoo unless you really need a rest and the time to yourself, don’t deprive your little GC of this time with you, or your DiL the time with the new little one.

RosiesMaw

Nannan2

I know some nans were available in the 'old days' to help with looking after the kids while mums or mum & dads worked long hours- (40's 50's 60's 70's) but back then they had a lot of extended families all of them living in same house!(or couples got wed & lived at home with the mum or mum in law-& along came baby or babies.

How many generalisations can you get into one post?
Extended families all living in the same house. ?
While many families were perhaps less geographically spread out these days (well actually probably since post-war years) this was by no means universal.
Many young adults emigrated particularly from Scotland and Ireland in search of a decent job, or moved to the newer industrial centres in England in search of employment. Married and stayed there.
The cosy image you project of “Nan” helping out and families living in and out of each other’s terraced houses was not my experience growing up - in fact my Scottish granny was never involved in my or my sisters care and my maternal granny was thousands of miles away.
Your experience is yours, mine is mine.
It’s inaccurate and unfair to generalise from personal anecdotal experience in this way or to say that modern mums think it’s somebody else’s business to look after their children!
I think it is great if grandparents can be involved in their grandchildren’s upbringing - many of us here would give our right arm to be within regular “granny” duty distance.

I was beginning to think our family wasn't normal after reading Nannan2's post 😯

Or perhaps our family (and DH's) were more independent and adventurous.
I don't know any who lived with their parents and many moved away or emigrated.

Rented property was more easily obtainable and reasonable in the 1950s, 60s and 70s and young couples could rent a flat and save for a mortgage too.

I do remember one of my dear Aunts gathering in any elderly waifs and strays in the family and taking them to live with her and her husband so she could care for them when they were unable to cope on their own.