Children moving back in?

I am always open to the possibility that there might be occasions when I might not be willing to let my children come home.There are times when the greatest love is shown by saying 'no'. What would you do if the child wanting to come home was violent or abusive, verbally or physically, or had been in the recent past?

My children have moved in and out for short periods, never more than a few months. The last time was some years ago when DD lived with us when she completed on the sale of a flat several months before she completed on her own purchase. B

Both children are now in their 50s and I cannot see a circumstance arising now when I would not be happy to provide a roof over their heads, but one should never, say never.

Oopsadaisy1

Ours know that they always have somewhere to go, no matter for how long, when they need to.

Mine too. And only two days ago my parents told me that/us that if our house move goes awry for a while we can live with them. I'm very lucky from all sides.

Juicylucy

I’m of the mindset that your adult children always have a home whilst you’re alive for as long as they need. I’d never need to have a conversation for how long that would be.

We feel exactly the same.

I could never have gone back to live with my parents and lived under their rules. I need privacy like others need food water and air. In the same way I would never allow anyone to live with me for more than a few days no matter how desperate they were.

I once had an aquaintance turn up at my door with a small child and a suitcase. She had been getting on badly with her partner and I had no intention of being drawn in. Fortunately I had one of those spy holes and never answered the door. She hung around for about half an hour and then went away. I knew she had other options such as friends and family.

I think most would think like you oopsadaisy1 but sometimes the best way we can show our love for them is by booting them out. I have never been in that position, but I have had friends who were.

When I was at university, a friend found being away from home very difficult. She only lived 50 miles away, In the first term, sometime every week. She would get a train home and her parents would greet her, support her, give her supper and drive her back to our hall of residence. She never missed a single lecture. Come the second term, she adjusted and loved the rest of her time at Uni.

Ours know that they always have somewhere to go, no matter for how long, when they need to.

Many years ago my son moved back in, enjoyed having him but he only stayed about 18 months until he settled with his now wife.

One of my sons went to live in America, but things are not working out for him. I'm fully expecting to get a phone call asking if he can come back and live with me. Trouble is, I have expanded to fit my space and there is no room. I have my life organised to suit me and don't want to have to adjust to having someone else around. So, I'm afraid I shall tell him to live with his dad, even though I know they don't get on.
Selfish? Possibly.

Now that all my DC have households of their own to run, I invite people to stay on "help exchange" which is an online platform matching those who have jobs which need doing with people who can help.
I've been a host for 15 years . No money changes hands but accommodation supplied in exchange for work.
I tell my friends it's like having your own children but they actually work and don't answer back!

Some have been several times. Some stay for a week, others for several months.
Its quite common for these travellers to work from their laptops and earn money while they fit in 20hrs labour per week.
They decorate rooms, dig and mow the garden, cook and clean as basics but jobs can be quite niche. One PHD student meticulously organised DH map collection, including a box of duplicates.

We cook and eat together and write eachother reviews on the site. They aren't there all the time and only when needed.

Nannan2

My youngest is bone idle though & wont lift a finger in our house and his room is a horrendous tip! Cant see that working out so well in a student houseshare!😂

He wouldn't have any choice in my house. He either pulled his weight or got out.

My eldest DS moved back after leaving University 10 years ago, youngest is late 20s and has never moved out. Middle DS2 rents a house share. They can't afford to buy. We would ideally downsize so we can help with deposits if they buy, but need the space for the 2 still living at home.

I should add our son found a much better job that has led to a very successful career!

Yes indeed Terribull. I wholeheartedly agree.

Our son moved in for a year after his job failed to pay regularly enough to meet the rent, we did charge him rent but unbeknown to him at the time saved it on his behalf for a deposit on his own rental flat a year later!
Our daughter, SiL and 2 GC moved in while their house/kitchen was being knocked about - we loved it but our SiL couldn’t wait to go home, our daughter appreciated food on the table and laundry being done. They contributed to the food bill but we didn’t want anything more.

Reading those replies, it seems very common these days. Mainly due to instability of relationships, housing, jobs. Three of my sons at different times have moved back with me. ( me no partner) All contributed financially, did own washing shopping cooking, even cooked for me sometimes. One ill one, made no fault homeless. That was very difficult for both of us. Second one, mental health issues. Third one bereavement, house repossession relationship breakup. Yes, as biglouise commented we/they do have to learn to stand on our own two own feet. That was my thinking when the first one returned, but due to the pressures of life, we lost him. Don't be too hasty to get him to leave.

My eldest son, in his fifties, has a wife with Alzheimer's and they stay with me for long periods when he finds it hard to cope.
I am a widow in my late seventies and do find it difficult, but know I will help while I can. Things get moved and sometimes broken and the house has had to be rearranged and I do find this quite hard.

Yoginimeisje-paying for his food & a share of the utilities IS paying a rent though isnt it?🙄😆

My youngest is bone idle though & wont lift a finger in our house and his room is a horrendous tip! Cant see that working out so well in a student houseshare!😂

My 2 youngest not left yet.(25&20) But youngest is planning on renting a student house with a friend on same course next educational year as both are fed up of traveling back & forth 1- to 2 hours each day.I know my son and cant see it lasting long tbh and then he will still be stuck with having to pay the rent on it a year as well.At moment both sons pay a little bit towards their keep.

My son came back to live with me just before lockdown. I had a big 4 bed house then but moved 2 years back to a 1 bed ground floor flat with a garden studio for my son, so he has his own space. He pays for his food and half the utilities, wouldn't cross my mind to charge rent. He obviously wants his own place and is working towards that now he has a well-paid job. We get on well so no problems there.

My younger daughter moved back with us so many times between relationship break up or flats, we called her Yo Yo!

One son, after travelling for 5 years with girlfriend following graduation returned to UK. Lived together for a year before breaking up. He moved in pending buying somewhere. Managed to find a job and had to use my car for 60 mile round trip. Basically just slept in his room occasionally at home weekends. He didn't do any chores, didn't expect him to. Even though he was working didn't charge rent/board as he was saving hard. He did manage half deposit for a city flat, the other half from bank of Mum & Dad. All within a year.

I’m of the mindset that your adult children always have a home whilst you’re alive for as long as they need. I’d never need to have a conversation for how long that would be.

My AC are always welcome and still have their bedrooms .
Both have returned home only on a temporary basis. My DS returned after uni and was looking for work . He was home for about a year and found a flat share . He lives and works in London and still house shares . On one salary he can’t afford the deposit to buy .
My DD has returned twice , the first time during covid when she was furloughed and her flatmate was wfh,
The second time , she was between flats . Her landlord gave her 1 months notice , so she came home for 6 months . Because it was a temporary I didn’t charge rent.
I did have ground rules though . The communal areas had to be kept clean and tidy . I didn’t touch their bedrooms but stipulated no food left in bedrooms due to the dog.
Both would take turns cooking the evening meal if they were home .
I enjoyed the time they were home as adults , but obviously temporary is different from permanent.

Any or all of my sons would be welcome back home any time - with or without their family and they always have a key to our house so don’t even need to tell us . They even still have their old bedrooms and the house always has it ready for them . Sadly they all live away so we or they have to travel and stay . My eldest son just appears with his family some times and our daughter in law has come without him as she has been “adopted “ by us !