How late can a birthday present be?

Never too late, last year we celebrated my friend's birthday six weeks after the actual date. She only has Fridays free so if other things arise we just have to reschedule.

If this happens every year and your friend eventually treats you to lunch- what is the problem?

I don't think it's matters when you meet, just that you meet. We're talking about adults after all, not like kids who need to celebrate on the day. Just be available for her bday weeks after as well.

*with your friend

nandad - I'm delighted you have a date booked in!
Hooray!

Please don't "treat it as an Easter celebration" if she's taking you out for a birthday meal ..that doesn't feel right - even if it is later than you expected.

Why not book in an Easter "Coffee and Cake" day with your friends - maybe a couple of weeks after your birthday meal if you want to celebrate Easter?

Thank you all for your support and words of wisdom. Maybe I’m a little sensitive around my birthday, for reasons I won’t go in to (my friend knows about this) and expected my friend to understand and, well be more of a friend. She has been in touch and we are going out in April, 7 weeks after my birthday, close to Easter so I will treat it as an Easter celebration. Xx

NotSpaghetti

I have a close friend who I see very infrequently. I know she does things with other people (so do I) but our friendship is such that we can cancel or rearrange or not get round to planning things with no ill feeling.

Her husband has died and she misses him.
I am happy to be the person she calls when she feels miserable. It's a small thing really - even if it's 10pm. I have my lovely husband and she no longer has hers.

She can fill her "social" days with "froth", and the grandchildren and she keeps as busy as she can. She can see other friends when she's "upbeat" - but I feel privileged that she knows I'm always there whether she is or isn't feeling very "whole".

When we do get together we have the most marvellous time. I love her a lot and we laugh (and sometimes, yes, cry), and look back over the 40+ years we have known each other. We look forward to our holidays, talk about the news, books, gardens, family - we have a lot in common.

It took nearly a year to get her to come out with me once and I still don't have the small item I know she has for me from Christmas.

So what is different I wonder - between this successful, "random" rather irregular and rolling friendship that I enjoy eith my friend and the one that nandad has with her friend?

I think maybe it's not that the other person loves her less as many seem to think - it may be that her friend feels so comfortable with her. It could be that nandad has an expectation that the other person is thinking of the friendship in the same way as they do - that it's about outings and talking about different things and not just a relationship of mutual support that since she obviously has problems and thinks you are her rock.

I know others will say "don't get walked over" - but I say you are probably a truly valued friend who she is safe with.
Try to ignore forthcoming Fridays or simply suggest it yourself.
"When should we meet up to celebrate my birthday "x"? I'm going to be ready to celebrate yours soon"

Happy Birthday! 💐

I could almost have written the first paragraph of this myself. My 70th birthday was at the beginning of September, but it was late December before my dear friend finally got around to taking me out to lunch. We had a lovely time catching up and we were both simply glad to be together - at last. 😄

The French have a saying il y a toujours un qui baise et l’autre qui tend la joue
Which roughly means there is always a giver (the one who gives the kiss) and a taker (the other who offers their cheek)-
So as in love, so in friendship, some friends are “givers” others “givees “ and it’s up to you to decide if the friendship is worth the imbalance.
It may well be that you value her friendship more than your irritation at her dappiness- I have friends like that .
You could sort the meal issue if that is all that is bothering you . But if not, cut your losses kindly and move on.

Really, so long as it's before your next birthday it's never too late! However I don't think its working for you and the taking each other out for lunch almost negates the other. So, you buy one lunch, your friend buys the next is actually the same as going halves each time. Why not have a joint birthday celebration with afternoon tea somewhere nice at any time you choose and do this once a year, you both go halves for this.

nandad

Maybe I am being unreasonable, reading the responses. However, she only works part time hours the four days she works. We are usually on the phone for an hour each time with me listening to her problems, she doesn’t unburden herself to her other friends as she doesn’t want to come across as a whinge! But, she does make time to meet up with her work colleagues or people from her past on Fridays, so I guess maybe I feel a bit put out that my birthday takes so long to be celebrated.

It sounds to me like you are the 'phone buddy' who listens to all of her woes and that's mostly what she wants from you.

Is there any mutual sharing and listening or is it just one way?
If it's just one way I'd be reassessing what the relationship actually is. I'd be feeling put upon if the exchanges were not mutual.

Maybe she's trying to tell you she has outgrown your birthday arrangements and would like to stop them.

I have a close friend who I see very infrequently. I know she does things with other people (so do I) but our friendship is such that we can cancel or rearrange or not get round to planning things with no ill feeling.

Her husband has died and she misses him.
I am happy to be the person she calls when she feels miserable. It's a small thing really - even if it's 10pm. I have my lovely husband and she no longer has hers.

She can fill her "social" days with "froth", and the grandchildren and she keeps as busy as she can. She can see other friends when she's "upbeat" - but I feel privileged that she knows I'm always there whether she is or isn't feeling very "whole".

When we do get together we have the most marvellous time. I love her a lot and we laugh (and sometimes, yes, cry), and look back over the 40+ years we have known each other. We look forward to our holidays, talk about the news, books, gardens, family - we have a lot in common.

It took nearly a year to get her to come out with me once and I still don't have the small item I know she has for me from Christmas.

So what is different I wonder - between this successful, "random" rather irregular and rolling friendship that I enjoy eith my friend and the one that nandad has with her friend?

I think maybe it's not that the other person loves her less as many seem to think - it may be that her friend feels so comfortable with her. It could be that nandad has an expectation that the other person is thinking of the friendship in the same way as they do - that it's about outings and talking about different things and not just a relationship of mutual support that since she obviously has problems and thinks you are her rock.

I know others will say "don't get walked over" - but I say you are probably a truly valued friend who she is safe with.
Try to ignore forthcoming Fridays or simply suggest it yourself.
"When should we meet up to celebrate my birthday "x"? I'm going to be ready to celebrate yours soon"

Happy Birthday! 💐

Does she have problems or issues with other upcoming appointments or events?

nandad I do want to add… I think your friend is a little selfish. You don’t have to bend over backwards to appease her birthday. Do it as you’re able. She’s lucky to have you as a friend to begin with.

It’s never too late! At our age we should be celebrating our AGE (not our birth necessarily) by going to lunch any time and as often as we want throughout the year.

I announced at my 70th birthday - I am DONE with birthday parties, on my behalf! That didn’t work - as much as I hate having my birthday, my friends don’t let me do that. Oh well.

In my head I’m forever frozen at age 70, just the way I like it.

nandad

Maybe I am being unreasonable, reading the responses. However, she only works part time hours the four days she works. We are usually on the phone for an hour each time with me listening to her problems, she doesn’t unburden herself to her other friends as she doesn’t want to come across as a whinge! But, she does make time to meet up with her work colleagues or people from her past on Fridays, so I guess maybe I feel a bit put out that my birthday takes so long to be celebrated.

I'd be fuming. I hate things like this, it's not difficult to know when a friends birthday is. I'd purposely forget her birthday next time.
Incidentally, my husbands birthday was beginning of February. Still no card from his own sister. Its lazy not to remember.

Nandad, it’s understandable why this upsets you. I may have had the benefit of reading your additional comment in the thread than others. You are clearly the emotional support for your friend and I feel this is what prompts her to be in touch 3 times a week via phone? The fact she arranges meet ups with other friends on a Friday must hurt you. It’s wonderful she and her husband like to spend all their weekends together. Though that she can’t give one Saturday afternoon a year to spend with a dear friend that lets her unburden all her worries so that her other friends don’t find her whingy tells you a lot about your friend. You are the more caring and considerate. It’s up to you how you choose to handle this imbalance in your friendship. I wish you well.

I’m with you on this nandad as a birthday celebration is only such if it is near you birthday I think.
Everyone saying it can be any time well no it can’t! Lunch out can be anytime but a birthday one has to be near your special day I think and in my opinion nandads friend is being unkind.
Having said that I am still waiting for my Christmas present from a friend who lives nearby. I think she might as well just open it and use herself.

Your friend sounds like me! I love my friends dearly but I forget cards & gifts quiet easily. We meet up for a girls night in spring/summer and camping trips throughout the year. I love spending time with my other half, my children & grandchildren & my friends.
None of us expect anything from me nor I from them.
All I can say is be happy with yourself & 'your lot'. Too many of us depend on returned happenings or favours.

What a mountain out of a molehill!!
She remembers your birthday and eventually celebrates it with you. I would be more miffed if she forgot, maybe, though I certainly w ouldn't tell her.
Few of us have any idea of everything that is gong on in someone else's life. I know that there are things going on in my life that I do not share with my closest of friends, for a number of reasons. Maybe there are very understandable reason why she cannot arrange a lunch date sooner.
If you have a friend that communicates with you regularly then that seems to me to be a great blessing, and the lunch issue is just trivial - - even petty.

Esmay, the menopause can really affect you in the way you describe. I found that my disorganisation got far worse. Now we are going back over my history because I thought I was suffering with dementia but now they suspect ADHD which has been made worse by age and hormones. Incidentally, having no concept of time is classic ADHD!
As for your Birthday treat, I'd accept whatever you get as being the thought that counts. My son is always late with the meal out but I know he is time poor and ADHD so even though it doesn't look very thoughtful, it is.

Thank you nandad .
It's hard to suggest that my friend's confusion might have been caused by Covid
I remember the time line exactly and she doesn't .
One thing , which continually strikes me - she has almost all concept of time .

Esmay I’m sorry to hear about your friend. Covid has left so many people with undiagnosed long term problems, and it just keeps on giving.
Iixy I like your idea and yes, I like organisation. It’s almost like I can’t plan anything for Fridays until we have our lunch and when it’s so long after my birthday it feels like it’s not about me anymore,

Nandad this is clearly bothering you. I'm guessing that you like an organised life (as do I).

I wonder if you could take each other out for a joint birthday lunch somewhere between the two dates? You pay for her and she pays for you? Make sure the venue and time are of your choosing so that it is a treat for you.
If she can't make it could you say, 'Oh never mind, I'll take NNN'?

It sounds to me like she's using you when it suits her and doesn't value you for yourself.
Sorry ☹️