To think this is weird?

When my ex husband died the funeral director asked if we wanted the coffin open at the crematorium. His was the 4th funeral I'd helped arrange and I don't remember being asked that before.
Years ago l went to a funeral in Wales and my husband needed a shave, he was given a bowl and a towel and told to use the mirror in the parlour. Noone told him his granny was lying in there in an open coffin. It was just normal for them, life carried on around her
l wouldn't want to see a dead body unless it was someone close to me, for me that is the time to say a solitary goodbye. I find it a very peaceful, respectful farewell and l can appreciate others may want that opportunity.

All my family saw my mum and dad after they had died. It is comforting to know the person they were is not there anymore and that this is really just the "container" in which they resided.

I think as a society we have become rather squeamish about death.

We sat with friends and family with the body of my dear friends husband a few years ago in their home.. A number of us (close friends and family) sat together through that first night with her. We shared stories and laughed a lot and frankly it felt very respectful, loving, fitting and ordinary. We raised a few glasses to happy times with him.
I suppose this is what a wake would have been like - until for some reason the term became used for the funeral "reception".
I would like to think some people might feel able to support me if I was in that position, or my husband if I died first.

I had to identify my mum after flying from Australia. Dad was in bits and couldn’t do it. At first I said they had the wrong person because she looked completely different and not as I knew her. Very strange and not something I would choose.

A similar experience with my mother in law in NI Grannynannywanny, an open coffin in the front room, her body had to have ‘company’ 24/7 until the priest sealed it on the day of her funeral. Her sons, including MrJ, carried her coffin to the church a goodly way in the drizzling rain.
I read the Janet Evanovich books Callistemon very amusing.

Yes Caleo and perhaps they had a healthier attitude to death than is common in contemporary society, where death is “sanitised” and hidden, and an uncomfortable reminder of our own mortality, but in such communities a normal part of life (and death).

Traditions as described in rural Ireland were suited to a society where The tradition included people living close to each other and sharing much more of day to day lives than is normal today in cities. The ritual of the corpse viewing , like other such communal rituals, kept the community close.

I realise that viewing is important for some, but not for me. When I was a young student nurse I saw my first dead body and felt very traumatised by it. I’ve seen a few since, but definitely wouldn’t want to see my nearest and dearest, or for them to see me. To me their body is just a body, and the person I knew has gone.
The idea of the undertaker cosmetically enhancing a body for viewing fills me with horror.

KittyLester , I believe you are right to be bothered by any possibility the undertaker was not treating your dead friend's body with respect.
In life nobody should enter another's private space such as their home, their hotel room, their hospital bedside unless they have a specific invitation to do so. The same courtesy should be given to dead bodies.

Yes completely normal in Ireland. My grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins were all “laid out” at home and it was a constant stream of visitors to pay their respects in the days prior to the funeral. They were in an open coffin on the bed.

The most recent funeral I attended in Ireland my cousin was in an open coffin in the funeral parlour the evening before funeral. The close relatives sat in a line either side of the coffin while neighbours from their rural community filed by, stood by the coffin momentarily, shook hands and offered condolences to the seated family and filed out. Some kissed the deceased on the forehead or patted their hands.

It’s a cultural norm in rural Ireland. Including bringing young children along. I thought I’d seen it all till I witnessed a local farmer lift his 5 yr old over the coffin and the child kissed the deceased on the forehead. To say they are relaxed around death is putting it mildly.

woodenspoon

An in law in our extended family loves going to the funeral parlour to view the body of any relatives who die. I find it quite ghoulish. She is Irish and said it’s normal to do so. Is it ?

Yes it’s very normal in Ireland.

The wake house is visited by people from miles around and can last up to three days. it can be seen as a slight if you don’t visit!

Exhausting for the family and a tradition that is slowly becoming less so expected.

Perhaps they went at the request of the family.. to give support maybe

An in law in our extended family loves going to the funeral parlour to view the body of any relatives who die. I find it quite ghoulish. She is Irish and said it’s normal to do so. Is it ?

I don’t want the undertaker to tart me up, just put me in the box and screw the lid down.

People act weird when people die. I think we just have to accept that there is no right or wrong.

I’ve viewed two people close to me. I’m not sure it’s for me either but for others it brings comfort

My DD and DiL’s have strict instructions that nobody visits me in the funeral home until they have sorted my hair and makeup.

Having seen a number of dead bodies in my life, it is not something I would recommend. I do find it odd that her friend wanted to view her but even odder that her ex boss did.

Rather strange , but I think that Celieanne86 , as a retired funeral director gave the best answer .
Many condolences kittylester .
I've lost so many friends ( unfortunately some in their youth ) and still grieve over them .

I think it's intrusive to go and view the body unless you are a direct relative! Even then I would prefer them as they were when alive.

my mother often told us that they make you look as you did when alive.. hair and bit of make up so you are not white..
she died suddenly in 1970.

I didn't want to see her but was encouraged to and had a dreadful shock and can still at times smell the heavy make up and see her dark hair brushed straight back as she would never wear it in a subdued lit room. I was in my twenties at the time and she'd died suddenly and was not ill.

Gosh I better make my wishes known - NOONE to see me. NOT AT ALL.

I saw my lovely dad in hospital an hour after his death. It was still hard to believe at that point that he was actually dead, especially as he was still very hot. While it was heartbreaking, it felt a lot more natural than visiting someone who has been dead several days and their appearance artificially 'normalized' by an undertaker, and I am glad I saw him when I did. With hindsight, that time spent with him still in his hospital bed actually means far more to me than his funeral.

But anyone would want to visit anyone other than very close family after their death, I can't really imagine.

To answer your question, kittylester, it does seem to me unusual that anyone outside the family would want to view the body of a dead person. Maybe it was a way of paying respect and saying goodbye.
I've been with a number of people at the moment of death: beloved aunt of DH, DM, DH and beloved childhood friend who had died just before I got to visit her.
But I have never been to see anyone at the undertaker's premises, smartened up for viewing. Death is death and that's what it looks like.

On a humourous note on a serious thread - I’ve told my DDs that if they cremate me without eye liner and mascara, I’ll come back and haunt them!

I had to go to the Undertakers with the Police to identify my fathers body and my Mum died in hospital as I walked along the corridor to visit her.

I’d much rather I hadn’t seen them after they had died and I told the undertaker to close the coffin so that no one could view their bodies.
I had relatives who wouldn’t go and visit my parents when they were alive, but seemed all to ready to go to the undertakers and see them.

i wonder if that is unusual, for a mature adult i mean, to have never seen such.

My friend and her family almost prepared her Mum for burial,
They bathed her, washed her hair and styled it, dressed her and applied her make up at the undertakes premises. Now, I find that weird!!

I saw both my beloved Dad and Husband take their last breaths on this Earth and just want to remember them as they were, not as they were in death.