Would you be a little hurt…

I only really went on holiday with my mum when we realised nobody else wanted us on theirs.

One woman’s holiday imo can be another woman’s nightmare. My DH and his mother were and still are obsessed with holidays so much so that I dreaded telling mil if we were going away. As she was widowed and a very angry widow I felt we could take her on holiday every three years ( she had three children) we always had to pander to her preferences- DH always paying for her accommodation and her drinks bill. She always chose the most exotic items on the menu and then when they weren’t what she thought someone had to swap. She had to be the first to go the loo on comfort stops even though we had two small children for some of those holidays and would leave a mess( the generation of women who hovered above the seat!) her other grandchildren had to be bought presents as “ they didn’t have expensive holidays like you do”
I’m assuming op is not remotely like this but i dont go on holiday with my children and family but offer to take them if they wish. I’m not bothered either way any more.

Why don't you all go and have the one holiday together , both sets of grandparents can then enjoy time together too with the grandchildren

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Yes I can understand why you would feel hurt. I would too. But I think what happened on your holiday last year has had a knock on effect. It must have been dreadfully stressful and worrying for everyone. Your DIL may well be feeling concerned you are still not well enough.

It’s supposed to be a holiday, not a war zone. And why wouldn’t the DIL want just a family holiday with just them? You say they have been on holiday with both sets of grandparents, perhaps they could do with a break from all of that? It’s a bit like “We had Christmas with your family last year”! Relax, let them do their own thing, I expect you did yours?

I'm shocked at comments made about the DIL, we don't know the situation or why she just wants a holiday with her parents, may there isn't the time /money for 2 holidays, don't over think the being ill part either

Moanin turtle I get that and I would feel the same, perhaps it’s because you were ill last year and don’t want to put strain on you? However I also find parents of sons come way down the list of priorities . My grandchildren don’t live with their dad and he lives 2 hours away from them so when he has his children we don’t push, however as the gc live very near us we used to have them every Thursday for dinner . Covid stopped all that and in the course of the epidemic they went to teenagers with all that entails . So when the country’s opened up I understood when exdil said because if clubs etc it would be difficult to restart , however two years later we have discovered they have been going to her mothers every week for dinner without exdil and grandma is very involved with them . Won’t rock the boat but am hurt as they turn to us for help with clothes etc ,I guess as long as they know we are here for them .😪

No, wouldn't be upset at all.

No, I wouldn't be upset at all.
I wouldn't have wanted to go, so it would save me having to make excuses.

M0nica

Like Notspaghetti it wouldn't bother me at all, but then we talk everything through in our immediate and extended family. So this would have been discussed, understood and complied with.

You would talk through the fact that your DIL resented you being taken seriously ill and decided not to allow it to spoil her holiday again? Saint Monica?

Cambsnan

How big is the holiday? Maybe book a big house in the UK for a long weekend and invite them to come for as long or as short a time as they like? could you invite her folks as well?

And if they can't make it, or don't want to come? Does the DIL get no say on where and with whom she spends her time off? She's already had offensive and sexist insults thrown at her (not by you, Cambsnan), is assumed to be a harridan, and more, because the family has not asked the OP to join them on holiday. Manipulating her into going whether she likes it or not is unlikely to help, IMO.

MoaningTurtle, how do you know your son is upset by the arrangements? Have you been discussing your DIL with him behind her back? I would see that as a huge betrayal in her shoes, and if anything would put me off seeing my MIL as part of my close family it would be that sort of behaviour.

Sounds like your DIL rules the roost but to comment that DS is not 'allowed' to take children away on his own rings some alarm bells.
Can understand that if both working then holiday time is scarce and taking 2 separate hols with grandparents may stop them having a holiday with just their own children.
I can understand you are upset but for the sake of DS and family harmony I would just keep quiet, you can't do anything about it, the decision has been made. Maybe you can make some other arrangements to see more of DS and grandchildren?

How big is the holiday? Maybe book a big house in the UK for a long weekend and invite them to come for as long or as short a time as they like? could you invite her folks as well?

Perhaps your DIL is worried about your health? It must have been very upsetting, for all of them almost losing you while on holiday. She may feel that it’s too much responsibility. Other than that I agree with many others comments except the ones calling your DIL a controlling whatnot. Just take a breath and accept things as they are

It's not odd. Mothers and fathers need to agree with taking children away. Why should parents be separated from children on their holiday if they don't want to be?

The wants of the extended family do no superseded the need for quality time as a nuclear unit.

Knitandnatter

And I have just missed the comment from the OP that her son is NOT allowed to take the children away on his own!!!!!
That is not a happy marriage and is doomed; what a dreadful, spiteful, coercive, controlling bitch your DIL is.

Yes I wondered about that, "not allowed" they are his children too, seems very odd.

I also find that a strange word 'allowed'???? to use..As you say they are his children too!

my dil booked a holiday last year to the same place we usually go, she told me about it after booking and i was fine with it, she then went on another with her family, she has no mum so she is very close to her aunt and again i was fine, my grandson is 5 and autistic, non verbal, she takes him on holiday with family and on her own a couple of times a year, she has taken him on weekends abroad to various places and my son is fine with this as he is not into theme parks, i am not hurt or upset, i see my grandson every few weeks, all i ask for is plenty of pics on my facebook, to see him smile meeting his favourite characters at theme parks is so worth it, she is his mum and it is up to her how she spends her holidays, as all of us grans on here know, they grow up so fast and you want to spend as much time with your children as you can, i think some grandparents forget we are the grandparent and not the parent, just count yourself lucky you have grandchildren and that you do see them.

Yes I’d be hurt due to the circumstances but what can you do but maybe ask why? But be prepared for an answer you may not be able to handle. Our children we love warts and all but the additional family you either get on with or tolerate. I have both.

Well I’m not a gran yet , so I don’t know how I’d feel . But when my dc were young , we had two short uk breaks with my in-laws . It was fine but we saw both sets of parents quite a lot and we both wanted to go away with just us and our two kids . We both worked and valued family time together. Plus we wanted different things from our holidays .
So maybe that’s behind your dil decision. And obviously she leans more towards her parents .
If your son is upset about her decision then he needs to speak to his wife .

Yes I would be.

V3ra

^It was recently my granddaughters 18 birthday and we were not invited to the actual 18th gathering but told we could go the week before or week after to deliver our gifts.^
Apparently it was our granddaughters decision that was what she wanted.

😳
That's so presumptuous, how rude.

But perhaps the party was for other 18 year olds? I know that there were no adults at my 18th birthday party, which was what I wanted

Siope

MoaningTurtle

@ V3ra
That’s a lovely idea but there’s no way my son would be allowed to take the children away in his own.

Allowed?

They are his children. He doesn’t need permission.

My son and DIL try to make the most of their limited holidays from work by splitting the half terms between them so that they both don't need to use up all of their holidays in the winter. This last week they've been away with my DIL, during other holidays they've been away with my son. That means that they have more holiday left to spend together in the summer.

Yes, I would be hurt, too.

Changing an established holiday routine is not something that can be done easily. Your DIL has been tactless, as she is apparently willing to go away with HER parents but not with her HUSBAND'S!

It would be better if they had suggested going away with one set of parents one year and the other the next - if they feel that two short holidays a year with their parents is too much.

You are doing the right thing, trying just to move on and keep the peace. I hope you stop feeling hurt soon.