Would you be a little hurt…

NotSpaghetti

Maybe she doesn't want TWO holidays with grandparents.
I wouldn't have chosen to do that either to be honest as holidays are nice to just enjoy your own little family I feel.

Please don't take it to heart. They came with you last year.
💐

Yes, I'm guessing that they'd like a holiday alone with their own family which is normal. Working parents have limited holiday time and probably want to spend it as a family.

Unfortunately it sounds like she doesn't enjoy the time away with you - maybe you get a lot more enjoyment from it than she does. I personally don't enjoy going away with DH's parents and if DIL is the main carer of your grandchildren and the one who organises all the plans for the family (as often women are) that may be why she has got to make the final decision this year.

Do your son and DIL both work? If so, they probably have just a few weeks in the year when they can go on holiday, and may or may not have trouble getting time off together during school holidays - planning family holidays is not easy when those things have to be factored in. It's not unreasonable to want some time for relaxing with their immediate family, doing child-centred things or however they prefer to spend their leisure time. I always liked being able to lie in, as I had to get up early for work. My mum, OTOH, sees it as a waste of the day not to be up before the sparrows, so there is pressure there straight away. Children have their own needs and preferences too, and the more people who have to be considered, the more difficult it becomes to please everyone.

My son and DIL see more of her parents than they do us - because they live in the same city, which is a long way from us. I don't get hurt when they don't 'level up' and spend hard-earned time off making up the difference by visiting us when they are on holiday. I'd love to see them, but it would be very unreasonable to expect that of them. I enjoy the time we do spend together, even though it doesn't happen as often as I'd like. This is their time now - we've had ours.

I have never been on holiday with my adult children and grandchildren and I wouldn’t expect or want to. Their holidays are in the sun, which doesn’t suit me at all.
The problem is that you are used to the arrangement and when it stops for a reason which has not been made clear that is hurtful. It seems best to hope they might want to do alternate years. Maybe you could take the initiative regarding next year? Or maybe now that the grandchildren are older, they want different types of breaks?
Best not to stress about it if you can. Make your own plans for something you really want to do as a couple for once.

I've never been invited to go on holiday with my son, Dil and grandchildren. Neither have the in-laws. They go away as a family or with friends. I've been hurt in the past when visits to in-laws have far outweighed visits to my home. However, the tide has turned by now as the grandchildren are now old enough to say that they want to visit me rather than the other grandma - Result! Bide your time and play nice !

I can understand your hurt, but as you say we do try to avoid conflict don’t we as grandparents so I’m sure you’ll try to put it behind you. I think maybe the context to think about is how well you get along with your DIL generally. Also what your son has said about the circumstances of the change in arrangements and his own feelings. Could it be that they’re cutting down on breaks for the sake of cost, they wouldn’t be alone, the cost of living and mortgages can be crippling for young families these days. I hope there will be an arrangement that keeps everyone more or less happy. I’m so sorry to hear about what happened to you on holiday, That must have been so shocking and upsetting, I hope you’re ok now.

I don’t think unless you ask your DIL directly that you will ever know the real reason and it could be a very simple readon. Time does move on, we holidayed with the GC when they were small but wouldn’t expect to now. Our DIL who comes from abroad naturally wants to see her mum when she can. We are up the road and can be seen anytime if they wish b

No, I wouldn't be hurt. my adult children have never been the sort to hang out with parents. I came from a family that did everything together and it was fun, but my own aren't interested. I'm not hurt by it. I'm quite happy to do my own thing. They both visit for family get-togethers a few times a year and that's great.

Maybe not, but you did say that your DIL was “really annoyed” by the disruption caused by your illness. Perhaps it was a factor in future holiday choices.

NotSpaghetti
Thank you but I don’t think my DIL was in the slightest panicked by my illness and it did happen on the penultimate day of the break.

If someone in your "party" is seriously ill when you are away from home it does stress you and put a damper on everything as you are constantly in a semi-panic mode.
I know of this personally. Our incident happened at a family wedding and years later people still talk about how it affected the day. I have since been asked "are you bringing N? Let's hope x doesn't happen..." It has lived much longer than I expected and came up at my son's wedding last autumn!

Personally I would think after a year or two with no incidents it should be "over" and if this is the reason it will just be history.

Good luck.

I would find it upsetting, particularly if it's something you've been doing every year. However, it could be that DiL would like to break with the habit of going away every year with both sets of grandparents. Maybe she just wants to start having holidays with her own husband and children, so she'd prefer just one holiday a year with GPs ... maybe it'll be your turn next year ...

I can also see that the fact you were taken very ill last year, whilst on holiday with them, may be a reason why she's not so keen on going away with you again. Myself, having had a parent with medical issues, we had a few holidays cut short, and even cancelled. I got to the point where I didn't really look forward to holidays with them, even though I loved them very much.

I think you need to try to accept that this is the way it's going to be from now on. It's up to your DS and DiL to sort it out between themselves. Don't get in involved in questioning why this has happened as it will only cause more problems. Sadly, it's usually the wife who gets her own way in these circumstances, so you need to accept that, and try to do other things with with your grandchildren, such as days out, like others have suggested. And enjoy spending time with your other family who like spending time with you.

My younger daughter and her family are hurt by this too as she receives the same treatment. Honestly it is best to just accept what you get given and smile to keep the contact going.

After all these years I really don't think I'd bother ☹️
Concentrate on the family that do want you in their lives.

It was recently my granddaughters 18 birthday and we were not invited to the actual 18th gathering but told we could go the week before or week after to deliver our gifts.
Apparently it was our granddaughters decision that was what she wanted.

😳
That's so presumptuous, how rude.

@ Desdemona.
I don’t want to stress him any further as he’s a very loving man who hates the thought of hurting anyone.
I’m sure it was because of what happened last year.

Yes I would be hurt by this. Have you asked your son, MoaningTurtle, as to the reasons behind his wife's decision?

At least if you know the honest reason why, you can discuss it and come to terms with it, even if you don't holiday with them this year.

@Grannyivy.
I’m so sad to hear this, big hugs from me. Xx

It is hard and hurtful and I understand how you feel. However from my experience best to say nothing and accept. My daughter and I were very close til she met her husband 19 years ago. His mother is very controlling and likes her family around her all the time My SIL has always had little interest in us and makes little effort to include me and my husband in anything and plans everything with his family! I used to speak out to my daughter about why we had to always take second place and couldn’t understand why my daughter no longer wanted to spend time with her own family but I gave up as the years went by as I became the bad guy who upset everyone apparently if I raised it. There was no problem I was being sensitive. It has become the unspoken elephant in the room!! My husband and I are kept at arms length and by stepping back I thought my daughter and grandchildren would eventually miss us in their life but no we get left out even more. It was recently my granddaughters 18 birthday and we were not invited to the actual 18th gathering but told we could go the week before or week after to deliver our gifts. Apparently it was our granddaughters decision that was what she wanted. I feel dreadfully hurt that we are always on the sidelines. My younger daughter and her family are hurt by this too as she receives the same treatment. Honestly it is best to just accept what you get given and smile to keep the contact going. It doesn’t stop the hurt but keeps the peace!! I tried so hard for so long and feel so sad.

MissAdventure

I remember my friends Christmas at her sons.
She said she was hurried in, a paper hat plonked on her head, and her dinner put in front of her.
The minute that was finished, a bit of pudding was thrust at her, before her coat was handed to her, and she was on her way home.

How sad 😔. I treasure my Christmases with my parents and my children (not always all together) and VV. I can't imagine doing that to my parents - they'd be distraught.

Yesterday my son and daughter-in-law popped in and mentioned they’re going on holiday abroad at half-term with my daughter-in-law’s family.

Our response? We offered to look after their dog.

Fitting in holidays with family members can be difficult for many reasons. We usually have at least one holiday with our children each year, but it’s about enjoyment and convenience. If it doesn’t work for us or them then we would simply adapt. We like each other’s company, respect each other’s boundaries - and truly value the good relationships we have.

I hope this doesn’t cause ongoing problems between you and that you find other ways of spending time with your grandchildren.

Thanks for all the replies, especially those who seem to understand.
It is very difficult to know how to behave sometimes with DILs and maybe Son in laws but my husband and I try very hard to be welcoming and not to tread on toes but it’s not always appreciated.

It did, and they are a really, really nice little family now.

Glad it turned out ok in the end. 😊

Yes, it did.
She was very reliant on her son though, for no particular reason, so I think she needed to be weaned off, gently.
At one time she was very, very feisty, but she has learned when to rein it in now, and they all get on like a house on fire, and as a result, see a lot more of each other because they realise that they're all good people.

Such a shame MissA. It must have made her feel somewhat unwanted.