Would you be a little hurt…

When I had family of my own I made it a thing that we had our own family holidays, just the four of us, as we both worked hard and needed a break.

Day trips with extended family? Yes, but a week? Good heavens no, not my idea of rest or fun at all.

Now I have grandchildren I am glad they do the same. Sometimes I have 'joined' the holiday for a few days but stay the whole time? No chance. I have breaks with my friends, with other family, with my daughter even, but not a 'family' holiday.

Horses for courses I suppose. Life is change. Let them go away together and accept it. There is no point in creating conflict about something which should be fun and relaxing.

What if your son insisted on your coming? What that make you feel better? I know I wouldn't feel comfortable at all.

Why not just go away with your son? It sounds like he could do with a break and may show his wife he has a life of his own too, and is free to make choices as we all are.

Knitandnatter

And I have just missed the comment from the OP that her son is NOT allowed to take the children away on his own!!!!!
That is not a happy marriage and is doomed; what a dreadful, spiteful, coercive, controlling bitch your DIL is.

Dear me!

OP, you obviously dislike your son's wife.
she will be aware of this.
most of us would not choose to holiday with people who dislike us.
it just isn't relaxing.
also, quite apart from that, as you have been ill, maybe she does not want to risk her children being frightened by any sudden onset illness that might occur.
you need to disentangle from all this, or you will make your life miserable.

Knitandnatter

I would pull on my big-girl pants, get together with my son and plan a holiday with my OH, DS and the grandchildren and totally disregard the self-centred DIL. If she wants to behave like an entitled brat then she is welcome to do so.

Sorry, but if you think you can plan a holiday with someone else's children and "completely" disregard them, that is pure delusion. You don't get to make decision for other people's children; being a grandparent doesn't change this fact. I am sure the OP knows this basic life fact. Why give her "advice" that will only end badly for her? And it doesn't make her a brat to not want to go on two holidays every year with grandparents. Entitled to do so? Absolutely. On what planet isn't this adult entitled to make decisions for her own life? Ridiculous.

Yes I would be hurt, I think upset could have been avoided if they’d spoken about it with you , it’s the not knowing sometimes. Maybe going forward they plan a year each so maybe it’s your turn next year.
But whatever the reason I’d keep quiet and invite them over to you if that’s possible.

Callistemon, please forgive me for offending you , I can assure you it was not my intention to insult any knit and natter group. I was so cross about knitandnatters unkind remarks that I thought her knit and natter friends would have enough sense to put her firmly in her place! Really sorry 😞

Theexwife

I wouldn’t be hurt, we all prefer to spend time with some people over others. Your daughter in law prefers to spend time with her family, you cannot make someone want to be with you.

If your son really wants to holiday with you then he will.

This ^^

Siope

MoaningTurtle

@ V3ra
That’s a lovely idea but there’s no way my son would be allowed to take the children away in his own.

Allowed?

They are his children. He doesn’t need permission.

Uhh yes he does need permission, as does the mother from her husband. Children are not objects to carry around on a whim. Separation from parents is a two-yes situation. If the daughter in law prefers not to use holiday time being separated from her children, that's her right. If the shoe were on the other foot and the father didn't want to be separated from his children on holiday time, that is also his right. Why should either parent have to involuntarily separate on holiday from their children to appease others all the time? Not everyone has children to fulfill the needs of grandparents.

People seem to think that every bit of free holiday time needs to be spent with as much extended family as possible. This is neither true, nor a reasonable expectation.

Knitandnatter

And I have just missed the comment from the OP that her son is NOT allowed to take the children away on his own!!!!!
That is not a happy marriage and is doomed; what a dreadful, spiteful, coercive, controlling bitch your DIL is.

How do you know?, You can give advice that has been asked for but not sweeping statements about the state of the couple's marriage. The OP is upset enough without your doom-ridden forecasts.
Are you like that in your knit and natter club I bet you drop a lot of stitches.

I wouldn’t be hurt, we all prefer to spend time with some people over others. Your daughter in law prefers to spend time with her family, you cannot make someone want to be with you.

If your son really wants to holiday with you then he will.

MoaningTurtle

@ NotSpaghetti
But why does it have to be her parents they go away with and not my husband and myself?
My son has made it clear he would rather go with us as we don’t see that much of them and a few days break is wonderful for spending time with my grandchildren.

Can you suggest they come with you next year?
That's what I'd do.

You will find that as children grow they want different things anyway. I don't think you should assume anything by this.

As to your son's preference to holiday with you rather than his in-laws - most of our families would rather holiday with the people they are closer to - your son with you, his wife with her family. I don't think this is odd.

Please try to relax about it and maybe look to 2025.

I wouldn't be hurt at all. When does this young family get to take holiday alone? If I were them there wouldn't have even been a routine established where both sets get a holiday each year. One year with one set, another year with the other seems fair. Maybe this year they are skipping holiday with your family and will go next year.

I would suggest your DS and GC come and see you sometime and if she joins in well so be it. I would never let her see she had hurt me. In some respects, if you show how upset you are you are giving her further ammunition if she has done it on purpose.
I think all daughters turn to their mums more than their MIL you only have to read posts on other subjects.Some sons do as well .
We have one DD's MIL to contend with and I just ignore her antics and keep as far away as possible. She spoiled many things and was controlling with her DS so it goes both ways. Until I gave the impression I couldn't care less.

Shelflife

Knitandnatter, how dare you make such an unpleasant judgement!? Non of us ( and that includes you) know the background to this situation. I sincerely hope that MoaningTurtle disregards your nasty comments. I suggest you keep save any nasty views you have for your knit and natter meetings where people can respond accordingly!

Do you mind! My umbrage is well and truly taken!!

I go to a craft group and everyone is absolutely lovely, no bitching or spiteful comments at all.

Knitandnatter, how dare you make such an unpleasant judgement!? Non of us ( and that includes you) know the background to this situation. I sincerely hope that MoaningTurtle disregards your nasty comments. I suggest you keep save any nasty views you have for your knit and natter meetings where people can respond accordingly!

rosie1959

Knitandnatter

And I have just missed the comment from the OP that her son is NOT allowed to take the children away on his own!!!!!
That is not a happy marriage and is doomed; what a dreadful, spiteful, coercive, controlling bitch your DIL is.

Bit of a sweeping and unnecessary statement

Knitandnatter has no idea why the daughter in law doesn’t want her husband to take the children away on his own. He may not be very responsible when it comes to childcare - my first husband certainly wasn’t. What a thoroughly nasty thing to say about the daughter in law and the marriage. I can’t imagine what sort of mother in law Knitandnatter is. Or maybe I can …

Wanting to spend a holiday with her parents doesn’t make the daughter in law a self-centred, entitled brat.

Harsh words indeed, however the point here is that up to last year the family has had a short break with both sets of grandparents (as well as by themselves), now the paternal grandparents are to be left out and the children's father gets no say about it.

Knitandnatter how nasty to call someone a controlling bitch. We don't know all the details or the DIL reasons.
The son must take responsibility for himself, and if he chooses to let his wife make the desitions that is on him.
I understand why the OP is hurt though.

Oh no, Knitandnatter. That would cause a huge fall out. Wanting to spend a holiday with her parents doesn’t make the daughter in law a self-centred, entitled brat. What a horrible thing to say.

Knitandnatter

And I have just missed the comment from the OP that her son is NOT allowed to take the children away on his own!!!!!
That is not a happy marriage and is doomed; what a dreadful, spiteful, coercive, controlling bitch your DIL is.

Bit of a sweeping and unnecessary statement

Sounds as if DIL rules the roast! If your son is upset he should tell his wife he is. It probably won’t change things but at the moment does she presume there’s no problem.

I go away with daughters and grandchildren a couple of times a year and sometimes they go on their own and I go with a friend. I understand you would be upset I would be too

Personally I prefer holidays with friends and acquaintances. I don’t mind maybe once a year with children and grandchildren, it is nice but not very relaxing. They like to do different things, they are young and just have different interests.

No, I wouldn't be hurt. I'd wait quietly, see how the next trip unfolds. Odd to keep a count of who goes to which holiday, imo.

I'd never discuss their holidays either. I'd mind my business.

And I have just missed the comment from the OP that her son is NOT allowed to take the children away on his own!!!!!
That is not a happy marriage and is doomed; what a dreadful, spiteful, coercive, controlling bitch your DIL is.

I would pull on my big-girl pants, get together with my son and plan a holiday with my OH, DS and the grandchildren and totally disregard the self-centred DIL. If she wants to behave like an entitled brat then she is welcome to do so.